Unbound # 1 - Auld Mortality

An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Sounds of Then

W H A T I F . . . THE DOCTOR HAD NEVER GOT OFF HIS ARSE AND STAYED ON GALLIFREY FOR THE LAST NINE HUNDRED AND SIX YEARS?


A Tardy Doctor – A Tardy Dimension


Serial 101 – Arse Morality

The story begins in a packed-out square outside the Roman Senate where the hideous Latin puns in the humorous "...And Finally" item by the newsreader make the audience groan so loudly that no one hears the wheezing groaning sound of a TARDIS landing in a side street.

From this strange cabinet emerges an elderly adventurer named the Doctor and his jailbait mistress Katie Darling Katie, who is delighted to have traveled back in time. OK, they were actually aiming for Ancient GREECE rather than Ancient Rome, but luckily Katie’s IQ doesn’t quite equal her bra size and she can’t tell the difference.

The Doctor muses they’ve just missed Gaius Julius Ceaser getting stabbed 23 times by his own senators – and that gore-soaked public execution was precisely why they came here. Deeply pissed off, the time traveler hopes that Caeser’s heir, his randy nephew Octavian, will at least cause a nasty scene now he’s back from Greece.

In the Senate Chamber Octavian is eager to discharge his new duties before heading to the nearest brothel to, er... discharge other things. Thus, he and his heterosexual life partner Mark Anthony hand over a funky puzzle box for the Senate to look after as expressly stated in Caesar’s last will and testament. The Senate don’t want the bloody thing but it IS kind of their own fault since they not only killed Caeser, but allowed him to become sole dictator of Rome in the first place. Where do these bloody Italians get off, anyway?

Finally, Cicero (who’s been taking some very recreational narcotics) decides to smash open the box, which immediately unleashes an incredibly freaky angelic singing beyond the latitude of mortal comprehension and understanding, a sound that would instantly deafen a god itself. To our ordinary ears it sounds like Enya doing a yodeling competition, however.

After a while, Octavian and Mark Anthony get bored and wander off, leaving the others to headbang along with the sounds of an emissary from across the River Styx.

Outside, the Doctor and Katie are eating fish and chips and ogling the beautiful septuagenarian Clodia Metelli as she is carried through Rome on an opulent bed of kitty litter – saving vital time that would otherwise be wasted on toilet breaks. The Doctor finally decides to try and seduce her with the old "I was best mates with your late brother and he said I could have sex with you in return for forgetting about the 80 sesterce he owed me" ploy that worked so well with Lindsey Lohan, Joan d’Arc and the Rani.

However, Clodia despised her brother and has no interest with the strange old man who drops grapes down her cleavage and suggests a threesome with his sex slave.

The Doctor is not one to take "no" for an answer – and he’s got the restraining orders to prove it. He and Katie stalk Clodia as she is carried into Capitoline, the most exclusive red-light district in Rome where Clodia not only a madam at a modest summer brothel by the river... but she’s also a client!

Night falls, shadows lengthen, the air turns chilly and Clodia’s libido reaches a point that even the Doctor considers "full on" in her brothel’s courtyard toga party and cream cheese orgy! It seems her family’s construction of the Appian Way (one of the most important roads in the world at the time) was a failed attempt to fight their own uncontrollable sexual urges by building lots of stark, penetrating straight lines furrowed into virgin earth...

...ahem, and so on.

Hiding amongst the ferns and statues of household gods, the Doctor and Katie perv on Clodia as she and another chick called Fausta put their fingers on "the pulse of the city" and other such disgusting foreplay. Faustia alas insist on waffling on about her day and about that whole box of screaming damned souls her husband had to listen to at work today. The Doctor thinks this must be some kind of code for a bitching orgy at the Senate and rushes off, leaving Katie behind – ostensibly because women aren’t allowed in the senate, but probably just because he finds she is cramping his style something chronic.

On his way, the Doctor picks up a rent boy called Quintus who is also deluded to think there’s some sex to be had at the Senate. They are thus both immensely disappointed to find that the "shattered box" everyone’s talking about isn’t some kind of horrible euphemism at all. The old men are genuinely worried about some weird ghostly angel thing that may or may not be haunting the Senate.

The Doctor laughs in their faces and mocks their beliefs in gods and ghosts, insisting there is a perfectly rational explanation for any phenomenon you might encounter.

Just then, the singing ghost monster floats through the wall and snaps the neck of the senator with a speaking part before floating off again.

The Doctor stares at the dead senator for a moment before screaming hysterically, "GET A PRIEST! GET A VICAR! I BELIEVE IN GOD!!!", crossing himself badly and dusting the box with washing powder.

Back at Clodia’s it’s gone all "Desparatus Housewivium" as the girls gossip about Mark Anthony’s genital warts and what a slut Clodia’s sinister-in-law Fulvia is. Then Clodia’s eyes turn a strange silver colour and she starts talking backwards in Romanian. Katie gets bored and wanders off, as is her want.

Meanwhile, at the Senate, the Doctor has finally calmed down enough to realize that the shattered box has "Made in Pandora", and made rather shoddily too since it broke so easy. Still, what can you expect from protoplasmic energy-based life-forms? Worse than the Chinese...

Mark Anthony and Octavian turn up, mainly to justify the fee for the actors, and are uninterested in any weird supernatural shit that they might be directly responsible for. This is slightly strained as the corpse of the senator jerks to life and lumbers around the place, eyes glowing silver and growling in Romanian...

...until Mark Anthony blows his head off with a pump-action shotgun.

Musing they are dealing with your typical "alien-invasion-disguised-as-plague-of-zombies", the Doctor announces he’s bored now and wanders out of the Senate only to bump into Katie who was also heading back to the TARDIS, what with Clodia turning out to be a zombie as well. They enter the timeship, claiming it is the Temple of Dispy, Tinky-Winky, La-La and Po, which is enough to put Octavian off entering coz he thinks the Tellytubbies are WELL queer.

Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor announces the box has unleashed two alien Pandoran bodysnatchers loose on Rome. This is not only the inspiration for "Pandora’s Box", but also very, very dull and would require running around Rome in a hurry for the next hour or so. Thus, the Time Lord decides to quit the whole thing.

Yes, it turns out the entire adventure was a 4-dimensional Role Playing Game the Doctor has been addicted to for the last millennia and plays it continuously with his deadpan servant Badger who resembles Tim Curry from Legend only with more horns and body hair.

The Doctor is stuck in his squalid bachelor pad living off benefits for his Athlete’s Respiratory Bypass and microwave dinners. He used to watch TV but got depressed at the Dustbins conquering more and more star systems while the Time Lord do sweet bugger all. Occasionally he considers chiseling himself off the sober, putting down his bong and actually doing something with his life, Badger smacks him over the head with a cricket bat with a breeze block nailed to it.

This aversion therapy has proved remarkably effective for 907 years.

Then there’s a knock at the door – it’s Ordinal-General Quences, the Doctor’s disapproving and rather randy old dad who has dropped by for a visit and to bum a tenner off his lay about son. He bemoans that the Doctor is a great disappointment, frittering away his expensive education and never fulfilling the potential his family saw in him... until Quences remembers he was getting the Doctor confused with his more successful and pompous brother Braxiatel.

After pulling a few cones, the Doctor suggests that he and Quences play a new RPG where the Doctor plays the newly-invested President of the High Council and Quences plays the living reminder that even the greatest power is transient and that all must decay in the end. After throwing a six to start, Quences pulls himself together, shouts at his useless RPG-addicted son and storms off.

In a huff, the Doctor returns to the game already in progress...

Back in the slightly-less fashionable districts of Rome, the Doctor, Katie, Mark Anthony, Octavian, Quintus and a pantomime horse they picked up somewhere, are fighting silver-eyed cannibal zombies! Quintus is soon bitten but is far too image-obsessed to admit it until it’s too late and needs to be decapitated by the Pantomime Horse.

The Doctor and Katie decide it might be best to run and barricade in the nearest library. Octavian assumes they want to find Caesar’s diaries and discover more about the Pandora box thingamajig and thus defeat the Pandoran zombies.

"Um," the Doctor shrugs unconvincingly, "yeah. Sure. Why not?"

The trio break into Caesar’s opulent and luxurious villa and Octavian tries to convince his aunt Calpurnia that they need his dead uncle’s diaries to storm an army of the living dead. Luckily, Calpurnia’s a drunken moron and falls for such a story completely.

The Doctor soon locates a receipt that tells them all absolutely everything they could possibly need to know about the box, its history, how Caesar got hold of it, what he was wearing at the time, and basically everything except how to STOP the zombie plague. Mind you, it saves a HELL of a lot of exposition, so props for that.

In reality, there is a knock at the door from a social worker come round to inspect whether or not the Doctor still qualifies for all the social security cheques he’s defrauded over the years. When Badger tries to stop her, he gets a can of nitro-9 jammed in his fang-filled mouth and runs off in a panic.

The social worker is none other than SUSAN FOREMAN!

And she is horrified to discover her grandfather is such a socially-retarded sad bastard he has become a roleplayer and is lost in games like "Meglomania of the Clan Hairy Wolfen" or "Legendary 12-Sided-Dice of the Tigers". Lost in these sad roleplayer delusions, the Doctor is unable to perceive Susan until she starts playing the game herself...

Susan arrives at the Senate as Mark Anthony sends in the troops to confront the army of undead lobe slurpers. Alas, she is a woman and not allowed inside the Senate, so she has to stay outside with Katie and the very effeminate Quintus in an awkward silence.

Inside, the possessed Clodia suddenly sings "Age of Aquarius" so badly all the zombies are destroyed and reduced to foaming dust. This now makes Clodia the last of her kind and she immediately gets all passive-aggressive and wanting everyone to feel sorry for her. After a very, very, long, long, long, LONG speech of contemptible self-justification, Mark Anthony blows her head off with his pump-action shotgun.

Outside, Quintus finally succumbs to the zombie infestation while Susan complains to Katie about the truly awful plotting – getting TOLD about aliens in Pandora’s Box is way less enthralling than actually seeing it happen, you know!

Story and reality have overlapped, but as yet the Doctor is unaware of this as he’s rather frustrated and considering heading back to the red light district since this RPG scenario is increasingly stale and predictable. Annoyed, he informs Mark Anthony that he’s a fictional creation with a very anachronistic pump-action shotgun, and storms out, only to bump into Susan.

While the infected Quintus runs around biting people and spreading the zombie infection, the Doctor struggles to remember who Susan is and finally twigs she is his granddaughter – the only one in the whole clan who was sick the night of the Academy Prom and is unaware of the truly shameful and disgusting thing he did right in front of the headmaster. In short, she’s the only member of his family who doesn’t vomit at the sight of him and deny he ever exists.

Over the last 907 years, Susan has found her true vocation as a social services worker which allows her to be incredibly cruel to her relatives, even her own grandchildren, all of whom lie about the house all day playing thrash metal and Xboxes. Indeed, she ultimately found the Doctor because she’d run out of family members to torment. All her other relatives were so desperate to be left alone they rigged the latest election so Susan would be sworn in as President of the Supreme Council and thus be too busy to bother them.

Leaving Mark Anthony and Octavian to the spreading zombie hordes, the Doctor and Susan finally abandon the game and return to reality. When the fact he’s wasted the last nine centuries shutting himself away from reality playing Dungeons and Dragons comes up, the Doctor hastily changes the subject on how he was planning to steal a TARDIS and flee from Gallifrey to live a life of adventure, excitement and really wild things. Alas, he got high and never found the strength or inclination to get off his sofa.

In fact, after nine centuries of continual, constant substance abuse, the Doctor’s so mind-rotted he hallucinates about his disapproving deadbeat dad Quences constantly heckling and plaguing him – but the truth is actually much worse!

Quences, like the rest of the family, was so desperate not to get his dole cut off, he used quantum mnemonics and black magic to try and remain eligible for benefits – and found that embodiments of death, living reminders that all power is fleeing and everything must come to an end, are actually exempt from the GITS (Gallifreyan Internal Tax Service). On the downside, he is now under the delusion that if he is related to the President, he will be power and death combined, making him a truly godlike entity that could rule the universe.

Susan challenges him to explain exactly how the fuck that would work logically, but Quences is above such puny things like logic and oral hygiene. Thinking quickly for the first time in twelve lifetimes, the Doctor resumes the RPG game, snatching him and Susan out of reality and Quences’ insubstantial clutches!

On the downside they end up back to the Italian zombie apocalypse. But never fear, since by rolling the right numbers they can get their way out of this mess by changing the scenario completely so they were never in danger in the first place.

They reappear in a completely different RPG based on Last of the Summer Wine, in a bathtub hurtling down a hill. The weary Doctor admits he can barely tell the difference between reality and roleplay any more, and dreams of a universe where the Time Lords have +10 kill points and extra strength. The Doctor nearly loses himself amongst the myriad of possibilities, but Susan brings him back to himself by poking him in the eye very hard. The Doctor swears mightily and realizes they are back in reality and his eye is very, very sore.

Quences and Badger are waiting for them, so the whole thing has been a bit of a complete waste of time actually when you think about it.

Proving to have more brain cells than most of her gene pool, Susan says that when she becomes President, she could always just sack Quences and his elemental undead Department of Whispering Dire Warnings And Reminders of Death In Your Ears – hell, they’re not half as efficient as the Department of Stating the Bleeding Obvious In An Overly-Complicated and Pretentious Manner anyway!

Quences wails that his curse-like cancerous influence over the heart of Time Lord powers is all he has left – without it, he’s no better than the Doctor, a useless bum sitting on a sofa getting wasted every day. What kind of life is that?

Badger suggests they pass the time playing RPGs, and they do.

Laughing themselves sick at the irony, the Doctor finally notices that his swinging bachelor pad is actually the TARDIS he was going to steal – he got so wasted he forgot to take off and eventually the control console got buried in dirty washing up and porn mags.

Susan realizes that the Doctor can finally leave Gallifrey and explore the universe, and decides that there is much more interesting stuff to blow up with pipe bombs than the pathetic Panopticon. Kicking out Badger and Quences, the duo depart together.

The Doctor has finally escaped from his dull-as-Swedish-clay-animation life on Gallifrey, and is roaming through all of time and space, exploring infinite possibilities, righting wrongs and soliciting the sexual favors of alien babes wherever he encounters them.

SAYONARA, SUCKERS!!!


Book(s)/Other Related –
Dr Who & The Pandorica Songbook by Murray Gold
Doctor Who Discovers Benefit Fraud
"JFK Was Killed By Black Magic!" and other lame conspiracy theories


Fluffs – Geoffrey Bayldon seemed to suffer delayed reaction this story.

"I have you know, I heard that, sir! Where does a priest learn words like that? Oh, it’s in the script? Oh, well, fair enough then. Yes, I should say so. Quite."


Goofs –
If Quences is non-corporeal how is he able to play checkers? How in the name of Sue Sylvester does THAT work?!


Technobabble -
"The Aurora Temporalis - the Anvils of heaven from which all time springs... or a rather nasty little yeast infection, I honestly can’t recall which."


Fashion Victims
Quences’ incontinent pads of darkest night.


Links and References -
Quences and Badger are from Bungalow – the Origin Story of the Doctor that JST thought was too rubbish to film. You’d think that JST thinking a script was unfeasible would be like a canary in a coal mine coughing up blood, but no, they decide to turn it into a New Adventure anyway...


Untelevised Misadventures -
After leaving Gallifrey the TARDIS is set for a foggy night on Barnes Common where it will take the inconspicuous form of Winston Churchill stuck in a revolving door.


Groovy DVD Extras –
A documentary discussing the Doctor’s family tree and how his great-grandchildren John and Gillian Who ultimately found true happiness as a Nazi scientist and the Super-Trod’s lover respectively.


Dialogue Disasters -

Susan: Are you bearing the promise of death in your pocket... or are you just pleased to see me?

Clodia: I do hate a prude.
Doctor: I have known your family for a while, Clodia. "Modest" isn’t in your vocabulary. Or "vegemite". Or "baboon". Hmm, Katie, this conversation could go on for a while...

Susan: Grandfather, this addiction is controlling you!
Badger: Like, DUHHHHHH!

Doctor: I am the Doctor.
Senator: A man of medicine?
Doctor: Quite so. I was good friends with Galen until he did that truly revolting thing to the pigs... Oh, yes, quite. A bit early for him. Well, I studied the works of Hippopotamus, er, Hippocrates.
Senator: Pah, that arrogant fool denounced the gods!
Doctor: Gracious, you’re never pleased are you?
Senator: Hippocrates believed he could heal better than Asclepius!
Doctor: Oh, deary me, this education remit is tedious. Bring on the Monster of the Week, already!

Doctor: Do you think I cannot distinguish between historic truth and dramatic license?
Badger: No.
(long pause)
Doctor: ...shut the fuck up.

Octavian: You’re not real, none of this is!
The Games Master: You players always get uppity and start rewriting your own powers!

Quences: I’m a whacky sitcom dad, my disposition is permanently silly.

Doctor: Now, that - that's not normal. Not normal at all. Well, if you’re human that is. And he isn’t. Not completely. You’ve heard of possession, Octavian? That’s what we have here, a good old fashioned case of possession.
Octavian: I’ll have a servant fetch the priests.
Doctor: Not THAT type of possession, unfortunately. What we are dealing with here is something much worse. I'm going to want to examine this body a bit more -
(Mark Anthony uses his shotgun to blow zombies apart.)
Doctor: STOP FUCKING DOING THAT!!!


Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: I have no interest in changing the course of history... but I might as well do it for shits and giggles anyway.

Quences: Just like you to make a fool of the whole Family. Arse over ceremonial tit in front of the Lordships!
Doctor: Tits? You’re thinking of Innocet or Satthralope! Honestly, Ordinal-General, it was just some dodgy hormone treatment...

Octavian: I will feed you to the dogs!
Doctor: Only the dogs? Oh dear, oh dear. I’ve lost five pounds I bet Katie saying you’d feed me to the crows. You are a bastard, sir, yes!

Mark Anthony on zombies –
"Pump action shotguns take us all, some more finally than others."

Quences: "Time's roses, scented with memory."
Doctor: Oh please, this literary self indulgence is getting us nowhere! We’ve all read Bunbgalow, we’ve all got the eBook! There’s no need to go on about it so! The cheap scientifically fictional romance... Not half as good as Human Nature, was it? Hmmm?
Badger: Pah! That had Aubertides! No one liked them!

Priest: Don’t just assume things only go wrong because God didn’t do his research.
Katie: You’re REALLY in the wrong job, aren’t you?

Doctor: You always badger me when I'm busy!
Badger: Correct. Me Badger, you busy.
Doctor: ...give me strength.

Susan: I’ll make a difference to this estate. I’m going to open windows and blow out the stale air! And if I can’t open them, I shall throw stones through them! In fact, I’ll use petrol bombs, burn the houses down and then claim on the insurance! Yes, what’s the fun in being part of social services without protection money?

Quintus: You bein’ cheeky, Mark Anthony? See here, laddie, I ced DO YOU fer that, ye English bastard ye!

Doctor: Too much haste results in shoddy, half-baked research and now the truth and your army are being sacrificed on the altar of some cheap scientifically fictional romance.
Mark Anthony: Pardon?
Doctor: ENOUGH WITH GODDAMN BUNGALOW REFERENCES!!


Viewer Quotes –

"This ancient-yet-impish wizard is, unsurprisingly, a successful and believable Doctor, up there with the best of them in the scene where he mixes bong water with instant mash potato to create nutrition for the mind and the body. Mmmmm. Tasty." - FishCustard Enterprizes (2011)

"If you don’t like Goth Night, avoid!"
- Some Dude Who Hates Goth Night (2003)

"An excellent way to start Big Finish's Big Ruby Annivesary Celebration Thing. Smart cookies that they are. It would have been really dumb to start it with something crap." - Jonathon This (2109)

"The Unsoiled series stands away from the standard DW Big Finish releases, so we wouldn’t be missing out on them at all. I am not bothered about continuity much anyway, so I didn’t bother to listen to this one. Clever, huh?" - the Verve (2007)

"It’s a big, nummy treat that left me feeling warm and happy as a little cupcake and a brandy before bedtime. Drink up!"
- The Unpublished Target Novel "Doctor Who and the Cooking Analogies"

"You know Geoffrey Bayldon? He once ran up to me in the street and kicked me square in the balls. I let go of my balloon, and it floated away, so Bayldon ran into the nearest Chinese takeaway, went up to the second floor, leaned out of the window, and burst the balloon. And then he LAUGHED at my misery! Everyone who likes Catweazle is a child molester, I tell you!" - Mad Larry the Pirate King (2010)

"So the manifestation of Death is an oversexed milkman?"
- Dave Restal (2004)

"You see, Dave, someone said that he’s 50% metaphor, but what’s he a metaphor FOR? It’s good recapitulation, rising just above the level of Pointless In Joke, but not quite reaching the level of Alientating Self-Indulgence. Big yay. Still, no point in crying over milk that wasn’t there in the first place." - Andrew Beeblebrox (2004)



Geoffrey Bayldon Speaks!
"You know, I was first offered the role of the Doctor back in 1963 and I said no without having seen the script which was probably for the best since they had no script to show me in the first place. In fact, they seemed convinced it was actually a puppet show about Triffids. I’ve always been able to play old men, which was very useful in rep theatre and in Shakespeare and whenever the police had my description... eventually I decided I was going to get typecast as an old man in a magic time travel show. So I turned it down there and then. I didn’t want to be seen, yet again, playing an old man on television. At least until ITV offered me the part of Catweazle and a few years later I was swimming butt naked in cash. Pretty clever, huh?"


Carol Anne-Ford Speaks!
"Doctor Who ruined my career. I wish I’d never got involved. I was doing fantastically well before Doctor Who, doing exactly what I wanted, not to be a star as such but a working actress playing lots of different characters. I never wanted to be majorly in the public eye. When I left the show, nobody would touch me with a barge pole... mainly because they found out I was actually 25 rather than a jailbait teen and all their kinky fantasies were actually about someone LEGAL. That’s the curse of success and classical bone structure, I guess."


Rumors & Facts –

At one time or another, most Doctor Who fans will have pondered the question of what would have happened if a particular event befell the Doctor or a certain story turned out a different way to how it actually happened. Christ they need to get laid, huh?

For the fortieth anniversary of the series, Big Finish created their new range of audio adventures Doctor Who Split Infinitives taking these 'what if?' questions further and exploring their implications and their possibilities. Unfortunately such possibilities boiled down to:

1) What if Adric lived?
2) What if Turlough had a sex change?
3) What if the Doctor stayed in a squalid bedsit on Gallifrey getting very, very stoned and not actually doing much?

Curiously enough it was this last, most fundamental of 'what if?' questions that captured the imagination of Gay Russell... at least after Paul "Shagger" Carnal came up with the exact same idea three weeks previously, including the idea they recast the first Doctor with Anthony Stewart-Head. Once Carnal was banned from ever having anything to do with Big Finish ever again, Russell plotted out the Unsoiled concept which now had a further three 'what ifs?'

4) What if that shitty cameo from the Valeyard in "Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass" was a proper story?
5) What if Mark Gatiss and The Web of Caves was canon?
6) What if they could get Joanna Lumbley to continue her portrayal of the Thirteenth Doctor as seen in The Curse of Fatal Death?

The response to this idea involved dousing Russell with petrol, setting him alight and throwing him out the window. John Ainsworth took over production of the Unsoileds, and there was much rejoicing since John Ainsworth isn’t a complete prick. Sometimes.

Ainsworth quickly grew mad with power, imagining first four plays, then five and finally – dare he even TO DREAM?!? – six plays, each with a different actor as the Doctor and what’s more, none of them the usual four sad-acts that Big Finish had to play with. This could allow investigations of major character and stylistic ideas that would be out of place in the normal whoniverse. And, of course, being Doctor Who plays with new actors in the role.

After changing the title of the series to Doctor Who Unsoiled (after the famous Mary Shelly sequel Frankenstein Unsoiled where the monster Adam learns basic toilet training) Mark Plate was chosen to pen the first installment – being an overcomplicated geek whose novels have investigated and uncovered the origins of the Doctor himself and revealed they’re actually monumentally boring.
Since the broadcast of Goth Night, Plate’s subsequent Doctor Who work has always been ready to challenge its audience by telling complex stories that require thought and imagination to reap the best rewards from them. What a selfish asshole Plate is. Do you know how many times I’ve struggled to read Fat Ladle: Tim’s Crucible or Bungalow? TOO MANY TIMES, that’s how many! They may add a rich texture to the Doctor and Gallifrey, but then so does fucking sandpaper!

Indeed, Plate was so completely and utterly sick of Gallifreyan life his initial draft consisted of the words "WHAT IF... I don’t write this crap?" and went by various titles such as Ticked Off, Distant Flatulence and Dearth of Creativity. Ainsworth insisted that Plate was morally obliged to write the script and Plate’s response was chosen as the title for the story: "Arse Morality!!"

One of the core themes of Arse Morality is that RPG games are a fate second only to rolling a boulder up a hill as the worst way to completely waste your miserable existence in this mortal realm. Given that the concept behind the Doctor Who Unsoiled series is to pose questions and show how things might have been, Plate bravely suggests that maybe this is worse than either of those two.

The scenario is 'What if... the Doctor never left Gallifrey?'

The answer is he gets insanely addicted to RPGs. With these, the Doctor can have adventures without ever leaving his flat. In other words, having created a 'what if?' which erased the Doctor’s travels, they immediately contrive ANOTHER way he can have adventures. Rather than examine what he would’ve become as a politician, a scientist or even a writer of Swiftian satires of the established order, they choose to present him as a confused old man who doesn’t really know where he is and is usually too stoned to care...

In fact, the only reason the Doctor didn’t leave Gallifrey is that he never got round to doing it, but he still WANTED to – so he is even LESS diverging from the proper Doctor!

Arse Morality ignores the interesting question it initially claims to pose and replaces it with, 'What if... the Doctor was too slack and wasted to get off the fucking couch and instead just bitched about everything while being waited on by a giant badger?'

You wonder why they bothered to recast the First Doctor instead of just letting Tom Baker record it... come to think of it, he did that anyway. Twice. As Whore’s Fishnets and Demeaning Quest, respectively.

In fact, the only really cool thing about Arse Morality is the new arrangement of the famous theme music, the first of which, by Alistair Lock, debuts here. It's certainly an improvement on Lock's last effort (the Long-Drawn-Out Death-Rattle-Of-A-Beefy-Fart remix featured on Clash Of The Titans) and reflects the differing approach of the Unsoiled series by capturing the essence of the original yet showing this in a unique way. Did I say "unique"? I meant... crap.

"Gold Usher Can Go Fuck Himself"


I saw the pictures, I read those stories bout
All the good times in the Daze of Old
Now look around you and see the legacy
Of all those empire that just went a-wrong

So, take your time to open your eyes
You know you might just get a few surprises
All those cheap and nasty sympathizers
Fall in love like it’s out of style

Now look around you and what do you find?
A civilization that just went a-wrong
No sexy people? No decent senseless crimes?
Life was boring in the Daze of Old!

So don’t you know you’ve still got a soul?
Stuck in the TARDIS that you forgot you stole so?
All the things that you waited so long for?
All the things you worked so hard for?

Are these your golden years? Oh won’t you tell me now?
Are these your golden years? Oh won’t you tell me now?
Are these your golden years? Oh won’t you tell me now?
You should be living them!

Golden years...