Serial 9T – Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Forty-Sixth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Guide O' Roots of All Evil
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 9T – Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment -
The Doctor and Smelly Ed the floating sentient cloud of pink gas are summoned to Earth in the year 1985 by ex-copper James W. Hazell who runs a ramshackle private investigator business in an office just off Baker Street. Hazell is one of numerous people who the Doctor rather rashly handed out Super Outer Space Telephone Thingie Spiff-a-rinnos to when they met at a wild Islington party in the 1970s.
Thus when the TARDIS lands, both the Doctor and Hazell have questions – for the Doctor, why the hell has a Cockney private eye called on a Time Lord to aide him in his investigations? And for Hazell – who the hell is the weird beatnik with the pink smoke when he specifically requested the white-haired gentlemen in the super disco outfit?
After a lengthy and tedious explanation about the Time Lord gift of contractual renewal, Hazell agrees that this man is the Doctor he once knew. Or at least it’s too much hassle believing anything else.
Switching on his funky new VHS video recorder, Hazell plays back a news item from two weeks ago that inspired him to call for the help of the One They Call Doctor, the Threefold Man, the Oncoming Storm, the Destroyer of Worlds and the Bringer of Darkness!
"This is just the snooker!" the Doctor complains.
"Oh, ang about," Hazell mutters and fast-forwards to the News at 10.
It’s the usual 1980s news report – there’s a national state of emergency to combat the rising levels of unemployment, there have been 20 weeks of drought, satirical sketch shows on ITV will be prosecuted for making any jokes about Margaret Thatcher.
But the important bit is a sit-in at Scumbag College, a demonstration organized by ex-student, part-time rock star, charity worker and stoner environmental activist Neil Pye. Once a high-prospect academically-gifted young man, he discovered the wonders of marijuana and has never been the same since. Even being caught in a bus explosion after robbing a bank hasn’t restored his sanity, but merely inspired his hit single cover version of Traffic’s "Hole In My Shoe".
The gormless hippy Neil is being interviewed by BBC journo Dan Prick about how increasingly extreme situation the Earth is facing. "Yeah, listen right? The governments of the world have been doing some pretty heavy things over the years, right, and it’s gotta start getting beautiful – or this planet’s heading for oblivion!"
"So what exactly does the pressure group, the Brothers of the Soil Commune, intend to do about it?"
"Well, we don’t want to get all totally breadheaded, man! We need, like, all the oil wells to be given, tax free, to really nice people, and all petroleum and oil to be sold at a retail price of 2p a gallon, plus, you know, the abolition of private capital and compulsory population reduction to weed out all the bad vibe merchants at a, like, genetic level..."
"Isn’t this what you yourself would describe as 'totally uncool white-sugar-spiked fascism'?"
"You WOULD say that, Dan, coz you’re like part of the Great Breadhead Conspiracy against all us freaks! You should get those businessman’s clothes off before you, like, turn into a computer! I’d totally welcome anything that stopped future generations turning into Eton greaser freak-traitor pig-love hyper-straights like you!" Neil complains, pausing only to puff on a joint. "Anyone got any herbal tea?"
Just then, another member of the Brothers of the Soil Commune, barges into view – the so-called Militant Mother of the New Age! She begins to scream that her group is prepared to resort to intimidation, violence, mass murder with poison gas, and repeated lounge cabaret version of the Sex Pistols’ "God Save The Queen".
"Saving the world is not something I’m prepared to die for, but I’m sure as hell am prepared to kill for! It’s far out!" rants the young Northern eco-terrorist.
As Neil weakly reprimands his fellow commune member that she is "doing the cause more harm than good", the Doctor and Smelly Ed are horrified as the recognize the Militant Mother of the New Age as none other than LUCIE BLEEDIN MILLER!
"Oh, for fuck’s sake!" the Doctor groans.
Parte the First
Hazell is puzzled that the Doctor and his gaseous companion are on first names terms with the notorious MMNA, since he actually summoned the Doctor to help him investigate Neil Pye’s newly-opened vegetarian restaurant, Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment (where you can taste such delights as Lentil and Cheese, Lentils on Toast, Lentils à la Duck à l’orange and, of course Lentil Surprise).
On behalf of curry houses across the United Kingdom, Hazell has been chosen to close down this offense to Indian dysentery everywhere and he knows the Doctor is the expert on exotic fun-time plants that make you get the munchies so bad even lentils become appealing.
Since it’s a free meal, the Doctor agrees. Leaving Smelly Ed to man the phone at Hazell’s office because the writer can’t think of anything to do with the character, the Doctor and Hazell in his funky car. They pass Neil’s Underpant Garden of Urban Shitty Decay Rejection – a heavily-guarded top secret research facility, 10 kilometres square, beyond the control of "Lord Bad Vibe" where scientists are working to balance out karma by growing lentils in used Y-fronts and hamster poo. After all, why should gardening be defined by a bit of mud and grass being looked after by little concrete gnomes?
The Doctor muses that after 600 years living in a commune of fish-people it’s a rather brutal reminder that not only are humans complacent, irresponsible polluters but the only ones taking their planet’s future seriously are incredibly stupid paranoid drug-addicts trying to crazy-pave their underpants with orange tic-tacs.
Hazell has encountered Neil before at a student party in 1981 and is able to bluff his presence as sociology lecturer Jim Morrison, while the Doctor uses his psychic passport to convince the Maitre D’ that he is a fellow member of the Society for the Furtherance of Inner Enlightenment and Cosmic Peace.
In the purple-crush-velvet-lined interior of the restaurants, the Doctor and Hazell are lead to a table and offered eight-foot-long spliffs while they watch music videos of Dark Side of the Moon synched up with The Wizard of Oz. Sitting on unsold copies of "Neil’s Book of the Dead", the duo order the special of the day: a pile of uncooked lentils, chick peas, aduki beans, tahini, granola, dried black peas, soya beans and joss sticks stuffed into a bong and present on Nepalese rice paintings in lieu of crockery with wine gum cassoulet for desert.
Sipping a half-glass of cider and blackcurrant, the Doctor wonders what he ever saw in the human race. Alas, the pleasant atmos is broken by Lucie who is sitting at the next table making a scene with the waiter as she refuses to either pay for her meal or do the washing up.
"Hey, don’t hassle me! Are you, like, into material possessions and being a straight breadhead or what?" she screams at the top of her voice. "How untogether can you be morally to force a girl in my condition to do slave labor for the food her unborn child needs to survive?! You know, I should just go and tell the pigs about your mega alien weed operation round the back!"
The Doctor 'accidentally' hurls muesli at Lucie to shut her up and confides in Hazell that he suspects that there may be an extra-terrestrial element to the stash-flavored lentil topping!
Under the cover of "looking for the lav", the pair sneak out through the filthy kitchen and into Neil’s Practical Pagan Playground where some fly paper acts as an airlock to maintain atmospheric integrity. Inside is a stinking heap of unwashed laundry with onion stalks growing out of the stubborn under-stains. It turns out the "Underpant Garden" wasn’t a funky marketing idea but solid, moist fact!
Worse, severed fingers are being use to grow things in the lush, rich soil under their nails; a flannel planted with body hair; mattresses with mould growing on it; hollowed out fridges, shoes, and stuffed-and-mounted psychedelic kingfishers!
Truly, this is a smell-o-vision of Hades itself!
Watching from his room while munching on pigeon shit roasted in an old shoe polish tin as Dr Strangely Strange’s "Strangely Strange But Oddly Normal" plays on the record player, Neil Pye assumes the Doctor and Hazell are freemasons. "Oh shit, I’ve completely blown the whole Brothers of the Soil Commune Master Plan now! That’s really typical! I might as well not have bothered, I should have known it was going to end up being lousy just because it was me doing it! The whole thing was a complete waste of time – just as I expected – that’s really great, that is..."
Unaware that they are being observed by a BBC camera stolen from the Top of the Pops studio, the Doctor and Hazell decide that a pony a day plus expenses is not enough to warrant them going any further. They decide to leave and maybe get their stomachs pumped. The Doctor spots a strange green coconut-pod marked "Corinne-Oid" and decides that it might be a spectacularly clever career move if they ran for their lives right about now.
"It’s a Krynoid seed pod!" the Doctor explains calmly to Hazell as he grabs him by the scruff of the neck and drags him towards the exit. "If that thing germinates, every human being, every animal on this planet will be dead within hours! On worlds where the Krynoids take root, the vegetation fights back and it’s Triffid Apocalypse times a million!!!"
Having finally gorged herself on dried goldfish fins and cat litter, Lucie spots the pair of them returning to the restaurant and draws a gun from her titanic cleavage. Communicating by "Celtick Talking Sticks" (since walkie talkies or phones doesn’t form mystick patterns and vibrate with goodness), Lucie contacts Neil and summons him.
Luckily, while his former companion is banging a stick against the wall and shouting at the ceiling, the Doctor and Hazell sneak back out into the underpant garden and over to a shed whose conveniently unlocked door is marked "DO NOT PROCEED PAST THIS DOOR UNLESS YOU DON’T MIND GOING MAD."
Beyond this door is another door with a notice saying, "YOU’VE GOT TO BE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS IF YOU’RE GOING TO GO ANY FURTHER."
And beyond that is another door: "ALL RIGHT, WELL DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU!"
Now convinced that whatever the shed contains will live up to their expectations, the Doctor and Hazell break in and find a bunch of cages filled with punks, skinheads and Rastafarians in various stages of metamorphosis – all of which resemble old Exxon costumes spray-painted green with tribble-like tufts of fur.
Hazell looks at the swaying, coarse green shapes with their slim tendrils for fingers and toes and decides that this isn’t worth 50 pounds a day, let alone 25 and decides to put "extensive psychiatric therapy" down on his expenses.
The Doctor decides to chat the nearest man-shaped mass of green foliage, noting that the Krynoid pods have the freaky supernatural ability to turn human beings into plant men, flesh transformed vegetable matter. "No idea why, it’s just their 'thing' that they do," he admits. "The life cycle makes no sense if you think about it."
"Mind you," Hazell points out, "that’s true of most things."
It turns out that these unlucky suckers were all people who picked on, beat up, de-bagged and occasionally set fire to Neil Pye during his student days. It seems that people bear a grudge when you start screaming "KILL THE HIPPY!!" and try to kick their skulls in.
Since the plot has started to slow down, the mutants start screaming anti-hippy abuse and all transform into full Krynoid forms... which resemble tall green blobs with waving tentacles making noise like sexually-aroused rattlesnakes. At first they amusing blunder blindly around their cages, but then start to break free.
Just when everything looks lost and the cliffhanger ending is imminent, tracks from Neil’s Heavy Concept album begin to play through hidden speakers, pacifying the Krynoid freaks. "The Amoeba Song" works and in moments the Doctor and Hazell are perfectly safe.
Well, they HAVE been captured by Lucie and Neil, but apart from that they are as safe as it’s possible for them to be, all things considered.
The Doctor begins a vicious and passionate speech about the stupidity of mankind, assuming that someone managed to get a cutting from the remains of Audrey the Krynoid in 1976, but it’s pointed out to him that Krynoid pods fall to Earth all the time, but people usually smoke them or eat them before anything can go wrong. Indeed, Neil has been unwittingly saving the human race for years by turning them into casseroles before they can germinate their vegetation of death.
With that bit of plot tied up, Neil orders his Elfin Diggers (the elite guard of the Brothers of the Soil Commune) to restrain Lucie. "Yeah, see I always knew you were an undercover agent, Lucie!" he mocks, gripped by what he affectionately refers to as Captain Paranoia. The irony that Lucie is being locked up as an ally of the Doctor even though they’re not allies and indeed Lucie has completely forgotten who the Time Lord is, is really rather funny.
"People, why can’t we all, like, just be really, you know, like nice, because, you know, I mean the thing is right, why can’t we just get it together?" Neil rambles. "If the whole world would just mellow out a bit we could all be peaceful and beautiful children free to go as we... oh, fine, ignore me then. Shit."
"What do you want, Neil?" demands the Doctor.
Neil then recites "A History of the Planet Earth And The Events That Really Mattered But The Breadheads Have Tried To Cover Up So They Can Continue To Rule the World" – starting in 10000 BC where the peaceful world of heads, freaks and pipe-smoking dinosaurs was invaded by heavy straight aliens disguised as negative parents and MPs, who introduce religion, Father Christmas, wars, tobacco, alcohol, venereal diseases, violence and death. After going on for several hours about "the Breadhead Conspiracy" undermining the alternative, ecologically-sound and totally peaceful lifestyle of the planet Earth with imported frisbees, antique emporiums, discount record shops, hairdressers, Neil FINALLY starts answering the question.
"Oh yeah, I was wondering if you could give me some, like, gardening tips, on how to grow Krynoids."
"Well, cause otherwise I’ll get my Krynoid pod to germinate right in your face and infect you and, totally, turn you into a psychotic man-eating plant man, OK?" Neil shouts at him.
Lucie laughs at Neil’s attempts to be assertive and the disgusting truth comes to light – she and Neil are lovers! Well, not quite, but they might well have been if it wasn’t for Neil’s chronic impotence which lead him to declare sexual intercourse "genital fascism" and that making love gives you cancer if you enjoy it.
"You know, there was a magical time before chicks started getting into independence, running the country and having their own orgasms!" Neil rants. "During the Age of Aquarius, they’d be happy just hanging around grooving and bringing sunshine to the guys!"
"Sexist pig!" Lucie spits. "You’re as out of date as yer flares!"
It seems that this presses Neil’s 'Berserk Button'. "DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT! FLARES ARE COMING BACK IN, I READ IT IN MY HOROSCOPE!" wails the hippie in horror.
"Yeah!" the Doctor encourages wildly. "How DARE she say that, Neil! Feed her to the Krynoids!"
"Well, I’m not into violence, right," Neil muses, flinging Lucie into a cage and bunging the Krynoid pod in with her, "but I’m really going to turn you into an intergalactic weed!"
Lucie continues to laugh at Neil’s claims that orgasms were invented by drug companies to push up the demand for contraceptive pills – when she really should be paying attention to the pod as it breaks open and a green tendril emerges towards her in a scene that is really rather hard to describe without using the expression "tentacle rape"...
Parte the Second
At the last second, Hazell announces he’s had enough of this aggravation and a huge fight scene breaks out between him and the Brothers of the Soil Commune that makes the average Bruce Lee film look like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. As is traditional, Hazell gets nine colours of shit kicked out of him but somehow manages to escape only to end up cornered by a fat Scottish copper called Choc Minty demanding to know what the private eye is up to THIS time?!
Back at the Underpant Garden, the distraction has allowed Lucie to waddle out of danger and use some guy who happened to also be in the exact same cage with her as a makeshift human shield. The opening seed pod does an extremely nasty thing to this hapless sucker, who immediately starts to mutate.
"Oh yeah," Neil marvels. "Geoff! I totally forgot about you!"
Neil explains to the Doctor that Geoff is his brother, a weapon-collecting alcoholic fashion stylist who builds nuclear reactors, invents chemical warfare and starts right-wing military coups in Central Africa in his spare time. "He thinks I don’t know he started a holocaust which wiped out most of western civilization and then floated up and destroyed the ozone layer so there was no organic life left at all on Planet Earth within twenty-five years!"
"So how come we’re all still alive?" demands Lucie.
"Don’t get all heavy and aggressive!" the hippie wails.
Lucie’s cell mate is not happy about this at all – apart from anything else he ISN’T Geoff, he’s actually the Maitre D’ at Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment who was collecting more lentils to make a casserole and now his boss is turning him into a plant man!
"You think YOU’VE got problems?" Neil retorts to the Maitre D’. "What about me? I wish *I* was mutating into an uncontrollable carnivorous plant... actually, I probably AM, not that anyone would care!"
Neil buggers off with the Doctor back to his squat to discuss the global situation over a cup of herbal tea, leaving Lucie trapped as the Maitre D’s skin starts to transform into congealed sap. Mottled green vegetable growth starts to form on the Maitre D’, steadily turning the bit part character into a mass of wet seaweed as he starts to hear the thoughts of the lentils and can feel them breathing and growing inside his head...
And then the Maitre D’ starts screaming as Lucie gets a bit peckish and takes a bite out of the tendrils growing out of his head. She confides in the audience he tastes just like baked asparagus, and looks forward to consuming more of the unlucky soon-to-be Krynoid...
Meanwhile, in Neil’s room, the Doctor idly admires all the broken lightbulbs, patterned bedspreads, the boarded up windows, the overflowing ashtrays and the ruined furniture. Neil stubbs a cigarette out on a Led Zeppelin album in a mono record player and begins justifying his actions:
"The Earth is doomed! Richard Branson’s cut off his hair and got into the whole Young Conservative scene! It’s hip to be a breadhead and alternative is, like, a dirty word and the conspiracy is in total control! Four million people a second die from fumes inhales when they walk past dry cleaning shops! All music is being made by computers in digital briefcases! Rainwater is turning into pure asbestos! Donovan is a scientologist and Norman Tebbit is Minister of Truth!"
The Doctor looks up from trying to get the television set to work. "And what does that have to do with rounding up figures from your childhood and feeding them to alien blood-sucking plants?"
"It’s amazing, right? The Krynoids are this totally parasitic infection, but the plant men they create can totally commune with other plants! Imagine, like, if we could use the plant men to get nature to fight back, and the Amazon rainforest will totally become like jungle warfare and the world will totally be saved!"
The Doctor flips through a lot of old science fiction novels, bored out of his mind. "And then what?"
"The new world will be filled with freaks giving out flowers and explaining things in a perfectly logical way, playing electric guitars and blowing everyone’s minds! We’ll all be really stoned and freaking out and doing poos in the open and painting our bodies and not washing our hair and letting butterflies go in protest against Vietnam! No more police or social workers or tutors, doctors, surgeons, ear nose and throat specialists all the other pigs... Will you help me make it happen, Doc? Will you?"
The Doctor pockets a broken incense holder. "Nope. Frankly, after the last ten minutes talking to you, I’d rather see the entire human race hurtle into the extinction it really deserves than become a bunch of whining hateful thought police like you, you hypocritical fuckwit."
"Don’t bring me down, man! DON’T BRING ME DOWN!"
"Or WHAT, you sell-out wannabe?? OR WHAT?!?!"
"Or... or... I’ll let the Krynoids eat Lucie!"
"...and that’s supposed to motivate me?" the Doctor boggles.
Downstairs, the mutating Maitre D’ urges Lucie to stop biting him, but she’s becoming deliriously hungry. Indeed, if she had some cheese and biscuits, she’d have scoffed him down entirely by now. In desperation, the Maitre D’ reaches out with her mind to every plant in the restaurant and hear what they hear – and that includes the mildew growing under the mattress in the middle of Neil’s room.
Through this mould, the Krynoids can hear the Doctor mocking Neil for being more like a sexist fascist dictator with his paranoid belief that World War III is being orchestrated by the Lords of Existence (a bunch immortal gods who live in Scandinavia) and that there’s a special addictive chemical aura in Sub-Electro Galaxian games to explain why Neil hangs around amusement arcades.
Deciding that they can no longer put up with this cretinous, ill-thought out paranoid manic-depressive misanthrope, all the Krynoid plant men go berserk and smashing their way out of the cages, which isn’t very difficult as they’re incredibly cheap cages built out of abandoned bedspreads and rubber bands.
With all vestige of humanity gone, the giant malformed plants kill all the Brothers of the Soil Commune they can find with they long fibrous tentacles. But the rattling green monsters are soon forced to flee as Lucie gets more of the munchies and attacks the nearest with a knife, fork and HB sauce. "Delicious vegetable flesh!" she giggles. "I look forward to consuming you!!"
The Doctor is laughing that Neil’s betraying the very world he’s trying to save based entirely on a misconception as to the plot of an episode of "Dallas", a show Neil’s never watched but believes proves "the Ayatollah was right all along" when he realizes the Krynoids are on the loose in the restaurant and now heading up the stairs.
Realizing death is near, Neil treats himself to a psychedelic meusli and wheatgerm milkshake with a chicken nugget. The realization that he’s actually eaten MEAT doesn’t do Neil’s barely-adequate mental state any good at all!
"Hang on a minute, that wasn’t a lentil bahji I just ate! Oh no! Neil the barbarian! Everything has gone black! The phalanxes of plant men will destroy everything in the universe! This is the wrath of the Demon Lentil King! Lentil Nightmare! Lentil Nightmare! LENTIL NIGHTMARE!!!"
"Is any of this going to help us escape imminent death by salad phalanxes?" the Doctor demands irritably as green tendrils start to break though the bedroom door.
"No, not really, if I’m honest," Neil sighs. Then, inspiration seemingly strikes: "Make like a banana - split!"
Neil promptly dives out the window, leaving the Doctor with nothing to defend himself but a very thin dog who happens to be squatting in the room at the time.
The outlook is bleak as the throbbing and pulsing plant men break the door down with their long, clawing tentacles waving wildly... which turns out to be death throes as Lucie consumes them ravenously. Indeed, all this Vitamin K seems to have restored her memory and she vaguely recognizes the Doctor as her chauffeur. Since she DID just save his life, the Doctor lets her live and merely gives her a slap.
Outside the restaurant, Neil is lying sprawled in the bins, concussed and rambling "Listen to the sound of fishes going to bed! See the music in the cider apple of your eye! Take time to smell the flowers!"
Suddenly he notices a towering fibrous mass of green bark lurches down the alleyway towards him – the Krynoid plant man formally known as the Maitre D’ what has just broken out of the Underpant Garden. "Make like a drum – beat it!" says Neil worriedly as a glistening tendril snakes around the hippie and lifts him bodily into the air...
...but Neil is rapidly deposited back to the ground when he mumbles, "Oh no, I shouldn’t have had that last lentil! Oh, wow, get the fuck out of here! I think I can feel a cataclysmic biggie coming on!"
A strange glint appears in the now clearly-insane Neil who now believes he has communed with the Krynoids and is their undisputed master... when really they actually can’t stand his lentil-powered farts of certain death.
"I can sympathize with them, you know," he tells himself. "I mean, just cause I’m a vegetarian, right, doesn’t mean I don’t, like, at times need to taste blood and feel flesh tearing in my teeth!"
Neil runs around to the front of the restaurant as the Doctor and Lucie emerge and shouts, "Trying to, like, escape? Well don’t make like an elephant – forget it!"
The Doctor and Lucie ignore him and begin emptying petrol cans throughout the deserted lentil restaurant with intent to burn it to the ground for insurance purposes. Meanwhile, Neil continues to ramble that he is the Lord of the Krynoids, and shall rule the Earth after all the breadheads are mercilessly slaughtered.
"This shall be a state of complete blissed-out-blottoness, beyond ego, beyond thought, beyond hassles! No visions, no words, no smells, no magazines, no TV, no video, no muesli, no pigs, no washing up, no jobs, no toilets, no troubles, no toilet troubles... not a lot happens what with all the blankness and truth. But it’s really nice!"
Neil is now so out of it he doesn’t even notice that the Doctor and Lucie have now tied him to a chair, doused him in lighter fluid from his own Zippo, and are retreating to a safe distance as the giant ex-waiter-Krynoid begins to crush the Lentil House.
"This is manna from Nirvanah!" Neil dribbles as the foul, hissing monster engulfs him. "No more Straight City! No more neon forests, polluted lakes, Sainsbury swamps, asbestos cities, Westminster, McDonalds, or even laundrettes! I shall finally defeat the DHSS Gremlin! For the first time in, like, ever, I’m making like a rooster! I’m gonna suck seed!"
Just then, the conveniently returned James Hazell throws a lit match through the doorway and Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment explodes in a very smelly fireball – all those lentils detonate like TNT, annihilating the stupid hippie, the plant men and the Krynoids.
With Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment destroyed, an American hamburger chain called Holocausts immediately sets up shops on the smoking ruins and the Doctor, Lucie, Smelly Ed and Hazell are their first customers – and have a complimentary meal of Cruiseburgers, ICBM milkshakes and 20 Megadeath atomic chicken nuggets.
It is now that Hazell reveals the truth: "Luscious Lucie here was the one who hired me to find you. Something about you being a complete and utter see-you-next-Tuesday who dumped her in her own past while you were off shagging mermaids!"
"So you really remember me?" the Doctor boggles.
"Course I do," Lucie belches. "You’re the frock-coat ponce with the police box. I’m not stupid, you know." She frowns. "Ang about! I’ve forgotten how to walk!"
Everyone laughs cheesily at Lucie’s wandering amnesia... before they all head off to get their stomachs pumped.
"There are no decent breasts on Warlocks and there never were!"
"Why am I wearing this boxing glove?"
"It’s been so many years yet he still looks like Paul McGann!"
"It’s all right Baron, I’m a big Hammer Horror fan."
"The breasts smothered them all!"
"The breasts of Warlocks have returned to turn us on!"
"The breasts of Warlocks are a myth! Like the rhythm method, it’s a silly fairy story that doesn’t exist and only leads to naughty touching!"
"Now, if you’ll kindly stop trying to hang us, I’d like to cop a feel of these breasts of yours."
"Not before I get a turn, Doctor!"
"No nemesis, no oblivion, no clue what I’m talking about..."
"Double D, am I right?"
"Look, who are you?"
"Diabolical gypsy meteorites robbing graves and mutilating cattle!"
"You can’t just fondle them!"
"I promise I’ll fondle them deferentially."
"He wants nothing more than to keep this town in a permanent state of arousal!"
...The Breasts of Warlock...