Tuesday, December 1, 2009

8th Doctor - The TV Movie (i)

Serial 8A - Doctor Root & The Enema Within
First Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Egyptian Koalas


Serial 8A - Doctor Root & The Enema Within

"It was on the planet Fargo that my ex-wife and part-time pro-wrestling cheese impersonator, the Bastard finally achieved his life-long ambition to become the greatest drag-act in Mutter's Spiral: Florentine de le Palme. They say he listened calmly as the nominations for Sexiest Bearded Woman 30906 and decision made - he had beaten Lavros, Queen of Deep Space by a nose, left arm and two legs. The Dustbins immediately turned on him, vowing to scrub away mascara and nail polish to reveal the balding, middle-aged temporal parasite within. Then he made his last and, I thought, somewhat curious request. He demanded that I, the Doctor, a rival Time Lord, should whistle the theme tune to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as he was reduced to ashes. All in all, I still have no freaking idea why he requested it, but I have a sneaking suspicion I shouldn't have granted it..."

The huge, puss-colored planet lurches past, the twin moons above shifting to become two haggard, cat-like eyes. But the pupil of the right eye is, in fact, the Bastard, standing at a urinal wearing a cycling helmet. A massive shock rips through the Bastard, who explodes, his bloody remains dripping to form the words DOCTOR WHO. This zooms out to show the Seventh Doctor sitting in his chair, eyes wide and face pale.

"HEX!" he shouts. "Have you been putting LSD in the teapot again??!!"

The shaken Doctor, still reeling from this unintentional trip, stumbles around the control room, unsure if it has been redesigned as a gigantic mass of metal, wood and antiques or if he is still hallucinating. A quick check of his 900 Year Diary shows all the pages are blank - all in all, an astonishingly accurate and detailed biography since the BBC cancelled the show back in 1989. The Doctor checks the console and finds the TARDIS is caught in San Fransisco traffic. The year is 1999 by the time scale of humans, 5725 by the time scale of Rassilon, and Minus-OOek-Klek-Bar by the time scale of the Minions of Threek. The Doctor collapses back into his plush chair, idly wondering if he will ever escape from this Californian traffic jam and return to life he once lead. He munches on some jelly babies, eyeing the statues and ticking clocks cautiously in drug-induced paranoia. Finally, he forces himself to calm down and relax. At that moment, his tea cup hurls itself across the control room and ruins his priceless Ace of Base CD collection, and a jar of hair gel explodes, allowing its contents to slurp into the console.

At this moment the Doctor screams hysterically and tries to hide inside a copy of H.G. Well's The Time Machine. After ruining this and several other rare first copies, he notices that the console is sparking and bursting, with various screens saying ILLEGAL OPERATION, CRITICAL MALFUNCTION, and YOU'VE LEFT THE GAS ON! The Doctor runs the console and hauls on a brake lever marked BREAK and the TARDIS grinds to a halt. Immediately, a huge pile-up occurs and the TARDIS is smashed and bashed, thrown straight up in the air and straight down in a back alley way, where Chinese gang members are providing an ethnic cleansing service. The fact their victims are fellow Chinese gang members show that they are in no way hypocrites and will kill anyone who needs killing. As total professionals, the gangsters are not shaken in the slightest when a large blue Police Telephone Box lands in front of a victim and takes the bullets meant for him. Instead, they merely reload and wait patiently for the door to open and the Doctor to emerge, shouting "Who the hell NEEDS the damned scanner screen anyway?" before he is gunned down like the dog he is.

As total professionals, the villains have fulfilled their kill quota for this evening and head off to a charity ball to provide entertainment. Their intended victim, a Vietnamese juggler Chang Lee comes from behind the TARDIS and blubbers at the horror of what he has seen and how it will haunt him for the rest of his days, but his sobs are interrupted when the Doctor moans that he's ISN'T dead, but is just very badly injured and in quite a lot of pain. Chang Lee ignores him and begins to loot his possessions, insisting that this is what the mysterious stranger would have wanted. The Doctor babbles that he bloody well would not and requests Chang Lee both flag down the ambulance and watch out from the hair gel leaking out of the TARDIS lock. Chang Lee pretends not to hear him and begins to take off his trousers when the ambulance arrives and Bruce Astbrad demands to know what in tarnation is going on here. Chang Lee frantically explains that they were just passing by when the Doctor's trousers fell down and the others fell heavily onto bullets. He gives the Doctor's name as Dr. John Root on a release form as they arrive at the Wanker General Hospital. The hair gel shuffles unconvincingly after the Doctor as he is checked and discovers the bullets have caused no damage and the Time Lord has simply sprained his ankle. In order to get back at the Doctor for wasting their time they decide to book him for dangerous and illegal keyhole surgery in the cardiology department.

At the Grand Metropolitan Opera House, Dr. Grace Holloway is throwing popcorn at the performers in Madam Butterfly, and dumps her boyfriend Brian in order to perform unnecessary surgery on a Scotsman. At the operating room, Grace asks a nurse to play a CD of hideous screams and chainsaws to relax herself and also get the Doctor's hearts fibrillating at 300. The Doctor - who has not been given anaesthetic in order to save costs - urges her to stop, he babbles about himself not being human, how he is not like her, and how he's not insured. Grace explains she wants to see how many organs can be removed from a Scotsman before he drops dead, and the Doctor relaxes, challenging her to kill him. She promptly picks up a machete and pulverizes his midsection in an insane bonsai-type-mashing maneuver. The hospital administrator enters, showing potential investors around, and the surgeons boast that the machine that goes ping is working perfectly. Satisfied, the administrator and co leave, slipping slightly on the ever-expanding pool of blood. Grace feels déjà vu - remembering the last time she brutally murdered a healthy Scotsman, and decides she shall change her irrational hatred to all things donkey related. Grace wins the staff lottery and thus gets to break the news to Chang Lee, who steals the Doctor's possessions and runs off into the night - typical behavior in San Francisco, so no one stops him.

Meanwhile, the Doctor is wheeled into a mortuary by two overseers, Bill and Ted, who are forced to work in Wanker General Hospital ever since their air guitaring went out of fashion six months ago. Upon learning that the victim used a time-travelling phone box, they decide to commandeer it and change their dull present into a fantastic future. However, they are booked to appear at the New Year's Eve party and so decide to finish that before doing anything else. The Doctor is put in an ice box and, at midnight, the Doctor's Time Lord Flair For the Drammatic kicks in and his body glows with electricity, shifts, contorts changes and he slumps back, new in body but just as dead. At this point the new Doctor remembers about breathing in and out and soon recovers consciousness.

Meanwhile, Bruce the paramedic decides to dress up as the Terminator for the New Year's Eve party, and adds some hair gel to his dirty locks. Immediately, Bruce Astbrad becomes the Bastard for tax reasons! Finally back in the mortal coil, with a new body that fits like a glove, the Bastard shags Bruce's wife to death in a scene deemed too intense for television. Indeed, Gay Russell's novelization consists entirely of this sequence in extreme and graphic detail. Which I can't honestly complain about.

Bill and Ted are passing the time by telling the "Knock, knock"-Doctor Who jokes and, furious, the shroud-wrapped Eighth Doctor punches his way out of the ice box and snaps their necks. As they die (again), gasping "Party on, dudes..." the Doctor spits in their faces, steals their fancy dress costume and eats their popcorn before dozing off next to a curly-haired man in a long scarf, who offers him a jelly baby and introduces himself as the Doctor. The dazed Eighth Doctor checks his toe-tag and finds his name is "John Root" and so the two exchange conversational pleasantries before going their separate ways. The Doctor returns to the scene of the crime where a bored Grace can't be arsed calling the cops about two dead stoners and so dumps their bodies in the ice box and decides to harvest their organs in future. As she heads back home, "John Root" chats her up and offers to show her REAL fibrillation. As the new Doctor no longer resembles either a Scotsman or a donkey (as far as we know), Grace accepts.

Just at that moment, the Bastard arrives and asks the man in the scarf what all the flap is about. The man explains that a dead body last night has vanished, but has made up for this for providing two fresh corpses. Sensing the insane generosity of the Doctor behind that, the Bastard decides to go back to the TARDIS and lay an ambush. The man in the scarf reminds him that he doesn't have any way of getting inside, and so offers him a spare key. The Bastard thanks him and enters the TARDIS just before Chang Lee enters with a bottle of paraffin and a match - but his insurance scandal dreams are temporarily scuppered as he realizes that the time machine is BIGGER on the INSIDE than it is on the OUTSIDE! Yes, he'll definitely need more paraffin for this job. The Bastard suggests that rather than simply setting fire to this mysterious machine, he might actually do something sensible and find out, for example, what the fuck a bigger-on-the-inside police box is doing in the middle of San Francisco, 1999? Chang Lee thinks about this for a while, gives up, and begins dousing the control room in petrol. Sighing, the Bastard uses the mysterious Hypno-Coin to hypnotize Chang Lee to hand over the Doctor's stolen possessions. When Chang Lee says that the man he stole them from was some passing Frenchman, and the Bastard hisses "HE'S NOT FRENCH!" He grabs the boy by the throat and tells Chang Lee that the Doctor is a total arsehole and they must beat him with rubber tubing. Chang Lee is allowed to have a quick smoke and asks, "What's the capital of Alaska?" The Bastard taps his cheek, "You know."

The Doctor is amazed that Grace has an amazingly detailed and accurate portrait of him in her front room, and is rather put out when Grace explains he's just looking in the mirror. The Doctor explains he has shock-induced amnesia, probably brought on by his near-failed regeneration. Grace asks how the hell the Doctor could know this if he can't remember anything, and the Doctor quickly changes topic by noting her truly awful CD collection of FOX sound effects volume 4: Chainsaw-Killers on the Loose. Grace is skeptical, but he tells her he has 13 lives and he knows bad musical taste when he hears it. She tells him that no matter what he says, the dead stay dead and you can't turn back time. He says, "What on Earth are you on about? I was talking about your choice of music not Frankenstien, you weirdo!"

Aboard the TARDIS, the Bastard is shocked to learn that the Doctor's personal possessions are all nicked from him! Even his sonic screwdriver, pocket watch and bags of liquid cheese in case of Cyberman attack. A bored Chang Lee points out that there must be SOMETHING of the Bastard's the Doctor hasn't pinched, but the Bastard has a nasty feeling that his arch-nemesis nicked his wallet - which is where the Bastard keeps his spare regenerations. Following this train of thought, the Bastard concludes that the Doctor was in fact Genghis Khan. Chang Lee finds that kind of cool, and considers teaming up with this hellion. The Bastard changes tact, insisting that the Doctor is pure evil, but this only impresses Chang Lee further! Giving up, the Bastard hauls Chang Lee by the earlobe to the TARDIS Cloister Room, named after Cloister the Stupid because it features no Cloisters in any way, shape or form. It contains a whacking great staircase and is teaming with Batman logos dangling on string. The 57 Chevy of Rassilon is here and it is the device that powers the entire TARDIS, power from the heart of the structure. If they can open it, they'll get the satisfaction of a job well done. In a boring bit of Arthurian plagiarism, the Bastard makes Chang Lee pull the staff out of the stone and use it to check the oil levels of the 57 Chevy. Chang Lee is electrocuted and flung across the room as the ancient engine rumbles into life, wobbling the set dangerously.

Wasting no time, the Doctor quickly makes himself at home, eats all the foot, steals Brian's shoes (clubbing him unconscious beforehand) and starts to relax on the sofa. Grace decides to take him into the park outside her house and drown him in the fountain, sick of his god-awful name-dropping and arrogance. On the way the Doctor brags about how cool he was on Gallifrey, a real trend-setter and no one at all dared call him "Ape Boy" or "Monkey Molester" for his deep abiding love for human females. When Grace begins to point out the Doctor shouldn't be able to remember this, the Doctor suddenly screams, "THESE SHOES! THEY FIT PERFECTLY!" and starts doing cartwheels. He then falls flat on his arse as the vibrations from 57 Chevy reach him, and he gasps that he's suddenly remembered the Bastard's evil plan. Grace finds the "amnesia" excuse more and more suspect, so the Doctor screams, "I remember who I am! I'm a PINBALL WIZARD!! IT'S A MIRACLE!" and kisses Grace passionately - at least until he remembers how vile humans taste, and retches. He stops Grace kissing him and wails "What do you think you're doing, girl, hm? Sticking your tongue in my... mymy mouth? Naughty!"

The Bastard is surprised that the windscreen mirror does not reflect him, but the Seventh Doctor. He is more surprised when the reflection changes to that of the Eighth Doctor. His surprise mainly stems for the fact there is absolutely no reason for this to be happening and he wasn't intending anything like it to happen. This plot hole damages the Bastard's psyche even further - and he suddenly announces that the Doctor is half apricot! This revelation is neatly sidestepped when Grace appears in the mirror and the Bastard gasps, "Day-AM! White woman's got some BIG boobies! Must be one o' them Doctor Who companions!" The Bastard decides that the need to find the Doctor before the Doctor finds a baboon, and the battered Chang Lee begins to suspect that the Bastard is a total nutter.

The Doctor explains to Grace that the 57 Chevy of Rassilon is the power source at the heart of the TARDIS, which is his ship that carries him through Time and Space and the Bastard is a rival Time Lord, whose remains he was talking back to Gallifrey from Fargo after his final incarnation had died, or so they thought, but the Bastard isn’t dead and has set up a trap and he wants the Doctor to shove his head into the Chevy's engine, and if he shoves his head into the Chevy's engine, his soul will be destroyed allowing the Bastard to steal his body and inhabit it for his own life and furthermore, if the Chevy isn't switched off by midnight, the planet will be run over and in order to stop it the Doctor must fix the timing mechanism on the TARDIS with a beryllium atomic clock. All of this is explained in less time than it took you to read the previous sentence and screamed in an annoying high-pitched whine.

Grace responds by calmly kicking him in the nuts and running into her house, vowing never to complain about "Cheese-Breath" Brian again. The Doctor runs after her and explains that the horrible vibrations from the Chevy are changing the molecular structure of the planet. To prove this, he walks through a window. This does not impress Grace, who had been meaning to add some glass to the window for some time. Sighing, the Doctor walks through another window, which warps and snaps around him. Grace explains that she covered that glassless window with cling-wrap two months ago. Annoyed, the Doctor asks Grace to find him a window with actual GLASS in it and so walks into that, smacks his forehead, and collapses unconscious with a bloody nose.

Grace prepares to kick the Doctor out onto the street, explaining that she has a party to attend at the Institute of Technological Research and Advancement, where a beryllium clock is being started. "They're celebrating the start of a new year, century and millennium by starting an atomic clock?" the Doctor replies. "What a bunch of gay-wads!" However, he remembers that a beryllium clock is exactly what he needs to repair the TARDIS, and explains this whacking great plot contrivance by saying he PLANNED to come to San Francisco, 1999, just because there was one available. Grace points out that he was already in San Francisco BEFORE the Bastard sabotaged the TARDIS, to which the Doctor starts screaming about panty-lines. After a while, he explains that he deliberately chose San Francisco 1999 and not, say, Vancouver, 2034 (where beryllium clocks are available at any corner shop), because he is a man on a mission. A mission to gatecrash every New Year's Eve party in the cosmos! Twice! At this point the Bastard and Chang Lee arrive and drag the Doctor away into their ambulance, and Grace hitches a lift.

Unfortunately, the ambulance quickly gets stuck in the pile-up caused by the Doctor in the first scene of the film. As the characters brood over this dramatic irony, the Doctor grows suspicious of the EMT, whose strange lizard impressions and boasts that he's slept with the Time Lord suggest he's really the Bastard. However, the Bastard seems allergic to the new Doctor's outfit and so sneezes violently, covering Grace in what could either be snot or hair gel. Screaming hysterically, the Doctor runs out of the ambulance and is about to steal a motorcycle when a traffic cop pulls a gun on him. The Doctor considers doing the old "pull the trigger, end my life" gag, but realizes that the "traffic cop" is a gangster who has already shot him today. He thus offers the cop the LSD soaked T-bag, saying, "C'mon Ponch. Taste the rainbow." As the cop freaks out and starts dancing, the Doctor shoots him through the heart, steals his bike and drives off.

Aboard the ambulance, the Bastard screams, "Hey, Yamaguchi! Take off the damn skates and step on the gas!!" and then goes on to explain that, as he and Change Lee are villains - distinctly EVIL villains! - it is a bit difficult to maintain an evil personas if they have the windshield wipers on. Chang Lee sighs, switches off the wipers and guns the engine, causing even more destruction and mayhem, but not half as much as the Doctor, who is driving like a maniac and trying to do some "Gone in 60 Seconds" stunts as he does burn-outs, wheelies around cars, passes cars, goes down a hill, up to another road, over a man repairing his tire. All of which prompting him to scream, "Yes, I AM giving up rock'n'roll! Right after my next tour! And my reunion tour with Elton John! And my farewell tour! YIPPE-KAI-YAY-HAY, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Smashing his way into the ITRA base, the Doctor demands to be allowed to tinker with the atomic clock as he is British and better than anyone else in the whole world. It doesn't work. Neither does his magic hamster dance. Suddenly, Dr. Wagg, creator of the clock arrives and begins to chat the Doctor up. He will not hear of allowing "Dr. Root" closer to the clock. The Doctor asks him to bend the rules and tells Wagg his big secret: "My grandpa was Dutch-Irish, and my grandma was lesbian, that makes me quarter-lesbian. On my mother's side." Wagg laughs this off and goes off to be sick. The Doctor, having nicked Wagg's security pass, runs up to the huge clock and cuts it down with and axe. As he drags it towards the exit, a suspicious security guard decides to have a chat with him. The Doctor is saved at the last minute when a man with curly hair and a scarf arrives and distracts the guard with a jelly baby. Just as the Doctor escapes ITRA, the Bastard arrives and accidentally sneezes over most of the guests, drowning them in dripping slime. The Doctor activates a fire alarm to cover the dull incidental music and escapes in the confusion.

After ANOTHER ludicrous bike chase, this time with the Doctor tying sixteen tons of circuitry and glass to the back wheel, the situation returns to the TARDIS. The cloister bell is ringing, even though the Seventh Doctor ripped the batteries out when Ace linked it up to his alarm clock. There, however, the Bastard, Grace and Chang Lee are waiting. The Bastard point out that they only needed a tiny chip from the clock and not the whole damn thing, and the Doctor defends this by adding the huge timepiece to his meager clock collection of three broken sport watches and an egg timer. Grace, however, is in fact a temporal physics genius when it comes to inter-dimensional transference threshold, and easily repairs the TARDIS. She explains she only ever took up surgery to cover her insane hatred of the Scottish. However, the cloister bell continues to ring - the Earth is so damaged it will collapse in six minutes. The Bastard frantically shuts down the 57 Chevy of Rassilon, but it doesn't help. All these idiotic cliches and plot contrivances are the cause of this mutually assured destruction - the universe's credulity buffers can no longer take this crap. The Doctor suggests they reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and channel energy from the console directly into the 57 Chevy - a giant, time-space enema! The Bastard suggests they just get the hell out of there and leave Earth to its fate. The Doctor refuses. Not on moral grounds, but just because he automatically gainsays everything the Bastard does on principle. Bored, Grace bludgeons the Doctor unconscious with a handy neutron ram. The Doctor tries to reason with her, and, sick of his ever-changing excuses, Grace kicks him in the ribs repeatedly.

The Doctor recovers consciousness in the Cloister Room as Grace slaps him awake and then slaps him unconscious again. Chang Lee explains that they are all very lucky and that the Bastard's special evening is about to occur. The Bastard himself enters flamboyantly in a ball gown and fishnet stockings, leading a rousing chorus of "Let's Reverse The Polarity Again!" The Doctor suggests that the Bastard is slowly but surely going round the bend, and calls him "Acid Queen" when he doesn't listen. The ever-increasing insanity of the Bastard makes him snog Chang Lee, claiming he is "the unicorn I have never yearned for." The Doctor reminds everyone that the world is about to end and he should really be let free to fix it when Grace begins to hammer six-inch nails into his skull - ostensibly for acupuncture reasons.

The Doctor is dragged towards the bonnet of the 57 Chevy of Rassilon, screaming that the TARDIS has always been his and Grace is possessed by evil, not good. The Bastard reminds him he stole the TARDIS and Grace is acting of her own free will. Chang Lee inexplicably shouts out that he knows the truth and walks out of the Cloister Room. Not really sure what do with this plot development, the Bastard ultimately decides to stick to the old plan and opens the bonnet to shove the Doctor's head into the whirring engine. The stereo cranks up and the decrepit corpse of the Bastard grows younger, stronger, hairer... Until suddenly an exact copy of the Eighth Doctor stands wearing the weird drag queen outfit. An impromptu performance of "YMCA" breaks out and the real Doctor screams "Stop this, please... STOP!!!!!"

Chang Lee is ransacking the control room when the man in the scarf and hat arrives and begins operating controls on the console. The time rotor grinds into life and the police box vanishes from the Earth in a flash of lightning. On the scanner, the Earth implodes as this implausible escape destroys any credibility left. The mysterious stranger then begins to program the time-space enema which will unwrite the plot of the movie and thus restore everything to normal. Awestruck, Chang Lee asks the man his name. "Call me... Rasputin," he cackles insanely at him.

The Bastard is on the ropes as Grace finds the opportunity of torturing TWO Doctors irresistible, and has already chained both of them up and is attacking them with hot pokers. Suddenly, the 57 Chevy of Rassilon slams into reverse in a cheap negative effect. The set shakes violently as the Bastard returns to his former, American body and the invigorated Doctor frees himself and throws Grace off the balcony. The Bastard frees himself and together they begin to attack Grace with the Dipstick of Omigod. Grace kicks them both into the open engine of the 57 Chevy and only the Doctor escapes alive as one of the walls falls over.

In the control room, 'Rasputin' punches in the final commands into the console in an insane manner - blindfolded, over his shoulder, using darts. Already, the Earth has swirled back into existence and time is hurtling backwards. Chang Lee gets sick of this and simply punches a red button on the console and there is a fantastic explosion of trippy-colours that clears to show the Doctor, Grace, 'Rasputin' and Chang Lee on the floor. The Fourth Doctor congratulates himself on a job well done and the Doctor thanks him - the fact they have lived through this several times means the Eighth Doctor can actually look like he knows what he's doing. The TARDIS materializes outside Grace's flat and the Fourth Doctor heads off to gatecrash the Wanker General Hospital NYE ball, deciding to dress in a shroud to mock Bill and Ted, who are alive in this history. The Eighth Doctor considers breaking the news to the Fourth Doctor that the joke won't make sense to them as the story hasn't happened yet, but changes his mind. He'll find out later, which is why the Eighth Doctor already knows this.

The Doctor turns his attention to Grace and Chang Lee, whose puny Earth brains have been effected by the temporal enema and thus have no memory of the last few days. He thus tricks Chang Lee into handing over his possessions and begins to try and chat up Grace. She does not, however, believe that they had 'an adventure of great whimsey and excitement much like The Goonies' and refuses to hang around in the TARDIS for any longer than she has to. The Doctor screams "FINE! Go back to your own humdrum life in San Francisco! Don't worry about all the horrible environmental disasters that'll occur in the next few years! And remember to duck when the terrorists start attacking! Oh, and you DO become famous - when you get run over at a zebra crossing and it gets named after you! BURN IN HELL, YOU BITCH!"

He kicks her and Chang Lee out of the TARDIS, flips them the bird and dematerializes. Scowling with fury, he kicks at all the loose crap lying around and puts on an Ace of Base CD. As he sits down to have some tea, the trippy end credits start and he realizes he forgot to wash out the LSD. As the psychedelia continues, we hear the Doctor moan, "Neeeeeeeeaaaaaat!"

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who and Grace: 1999
Doctor Mysterio Le Seigneur Du Temps Parties til Dawn
Bill & Ted's All-In-All Rather Mediocre Adventure

Fluffs - Sylvester McCoy seemed mute and dangerous in this story

Although the soundtrack has the Doctor saying "I have THIRTEEN lives, Grace! And I wanna spend about four and a half of them with you" you can clearly see Paul McGann saying "Dear God, there has got to be some way out of this drivel!"

When Grace complains that Curtis has pulled her corset on too tight, she reacts as though Curtis has apologized to her and not, in fact, snarled, "It's your own fault, you disgustingly overweight whore!"

The Doctor babbles to Grace and Change Lee that he has to get to the "Institute of Technicolodoraymefarsolahtorelogical Advancement and Research" when the name of the building is quite clearly the organization is clearly called "Institute of Technicolodoraymefarsolahtorelogical RESEARCH and ADVANCEMENT"!

Goofs –
What the hell is the 57 Chevy of Rassilon doing on the inside of the TARDIS?!? Why is it clearly 89 Mitsubishi? The only thing THIS amazing power-source has in common with the 57 Chevy is its name! Of course, only fans would know that, so naming the device the 57 Chevy does sweet fuck all apart from annoy the fans... Which is a good enough reason, I suppose.

Several close-ups of the motocycle chase show it is clearly a moustached biker with swastika tattoos riding the bike, with Paul McGann in the bitch's seat.

How does giving the TARDIS an enema stop the adventure from happening but doesn't revert the Doctor back to his Seventh self? Does the enema just have good taste?

In the final scene, Grace is bald for no obvious reason.

How come the Bastard is reduced to ashes but turns into hair gel? And how can the Bastard control people through their hair anyway??!?

In one of the ambulance scenes, the Bastard is clearly being presented as a cardboard cutout out of Reese Witherspoon.

When Earth is being destroyed, we see that absolutely nowhere across the world is New Year's Eve being celebrated at all. Not even in England.

The blonde TV presenter says wild horses couldn't drag her to the San Francisco Mean Time event, but when it rolls around, she's there, stealing the finger buffet.

Chang Lee doesn’t even begin to think that a man who takes over bodies, sprays paralyzing venom on people, hypnotizes unwilling individuals, possess people, steals ambulances and is called 'the Bastard' might just possibly be evil.

Fashion Victims - The Bastard's tapioca-coloured ball gown

Whatever anyone is wearing in San Francisco - according to the producers, this is supposed to be 'five minutes into the future'. By that time, apparently, we will be wearing transparent plastic raincoats and no underwear. Woo hoo!

Fashion Triumphs –
Grace, rushing to surgery in her fairy princess get-up. Without a bra.

Technobabble –
The Fourth Doctor destablizing the "happy ending circuitry" with a ray-phase shifting poylmer overload. But with panache. Anyone could destablize the "happy ending circuitry" with a ray-phase shifting poylmer overload, but to do with panache... that takes style.

Links and References -
The Fourth Doctor helps out the Eighth, who will be forced to return the favor in Shagged'er II: This Time It's Finished - which is eerily foreshadowed by his use of the alias 'Rasputin'

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor was with Puccinini before he died. Apparently, his last words were, "Doctor, give me back my pills." He also refers to the fatwah being placed on him by Leonardo Da Vinci.

The Fourth Doctor spent ten years of his life gatecrashing every NYE party in San Fransisco, and is accompanied in this story by two badgers called Kenny 1 and Kenny 2, and a small turtle.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A full run-down of all the script elements that never QUITE made it to screen, including a sequence which suggests that the Seventh Doctor has picked up the vulgar habit of pretending to be a corpse to seduce any morticians who may be passing. Also, the "No Time Lords were harmed in the making of this movie" slogan.

Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: How can you not remember me? I’m the guy with two hearts.
Grace: Who cares? I mean, it's not as if you have two -
Doctor: I'm the Doctor, I'm a Time Lord, I am over seven hundred years old, I have thirteen lives, I was born on Gallifrey on the other side of the universe. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT, FOR GOD'S SAKE??
Grace: Just something a little... bigger.
Doctor: It's not the size that counts, Grace!
Grace: Yeah, they say that on my planet too. It's crap.

Bill: Knock, knock, dude.
Ted: Whoa. Who's there, dude?
Bill: Doctor.
Ted: Uh... Doctor Who?
[The Doctor smashes out of the ice box and grabs them both by the necks.]
Doctor: Exactly! ... Christ, how I hate that joke!

Doctor: What do you know of long-lasting, meaningful relationships??
Bastard: MORE THAN YOU!!

Grace: Why can't you turn yourself into a sea lion like the Bastard?
Doctor: Oh, I can, but only when I swim in creme de menthe and think vividly of Rik Mayall. In the fight for survival, there is no such thing as plot, logic or consistency.
Grace: Man, you have a real chip on your shoulder, you know that?

Bill: Knock, knock, dude.
Ted: Who's there?
Bill: Genghis.
Ted: Genghis who?
Bill: Genghis Khan, man.
Ted: Whoa. Genghis Khan was at your front door? No way!
Bill: Yes way, Ted!
Ted: Awesome! PARTY ON!

Grace: Did you know Madame Curie too?
Doctor: Intimately.
Grace: Does she kiss as good as me?
Bastard: No. I'm much better than both of you.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Bastard: Gotta sing... gotta dance.....
Ever since I was a young boy
I've played the silver ball!
From Soho down to Brighton
I must have played them all!

Doctor: Grace, I came back to life before your eyes!
Grace: No you didn't.
Doctor: I held back death!
Grace: Prove it.
Doctor: Look, I can't make your dream come true forever, but I can make it come true today!
Grace: What? You can give me Brad Pitt and a tub of maple syrup?
Doctor: NO! But I can get you Richard E Grant and some lighter fluid!
Grace: DEAL!

Bastard: Say, 'Goodnight Grace.'
Grace: Goodnight.
Bastard: Smart arse.

"That Pavarotti guy's got a cute butt."
- Grace, watching the opera through a pair of binoculars.

Bastard: The Doctor is half apricot.
Chang Lee: Yeah, my Asian ass he is!

Doctor: [with deranged enthusiasm] Come on, Grace! It’s time to play doctors and nurses!

Bastard: My name is not Honey
Miranda: Oh, well, what would you like me to call you?
Bastard: "Bastard" will do.
Miranda: That's not a name!
Bastard: Yes it is.
Miranda: What, you're the son of Mister and Mrs Bastard?
Bastard: [snaps her neck] I give up.

Doctor: I LOVE HUMANS! They're always seeing panty lines that aren't there!

Doctor: You want to shag the living! But all you do is watch!
Bastard: Hey, don't come the moral high ground with me, Mr. "I am the Watcher!"
Doctor: There's nothing wrong with simple voyeurism.
Bastard: I know. Cool, isn't it?

The aftermath of the first sex scene -
Doctor: Grace, I've lost twenty pounds!
Grace: Maybe you'll be able to walk properly now.

Bastard: This is an ambulance!
Chang Lee: Um, no it isn't.
Bastard: No? Well, it should be!
Chang Lee: It's a pool table.
Bastard: Are you arguing with me?
Chang Lee: ...no.
Bastard: Good girl. Otherwise, I would have to kill you.

Dialogue Oddities -
The Doctor: And so, my friends, our story is at an end. The TARDIS is waiting and I must move on to another time, another place. Perhaps some remote corner of the outer universe. My life is an endless journey across the bounds of space and time. A time traveler, drifting amongst the great galaxies of the universe. But wherever it is, we shall meet again. We SHALL meet again, the next time the universe is in peril, the next time something needs fixing, the next time...

Tom Baker: Shall we meet again? Well, the next time the universe is in peril, the next time something needs fixing, the next time my arch-enemy is pretending to be a false messiah to bring about the end of the world... well, you can just get stuffed. I'M HAULING ASS TO TIJUANA!

UnQuotable Quote -

Doctor: Hello, I'm Doctor Root, and I'm damn glad to meet you.

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