Friday, December 4, 2009

8th Doctor - Other Lives (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who: Duller Lives
Doctor Who Joins The Witness Protection Program
My Iron Will – The Saucy Diaries of a Duke

Fluffs – Paul McGann seemed to be repeatedly mistaken for someone else for most of this story.

"I never wanted to a Time Lord. I wanted to be... THE ELEPHANT MAN!"

Goofs – Episode Three.

The freak show consists solely of the Doctor, Drax and a Japanese fighting midget – yet apparently this is enough to seduce Victorian Society. Maybe it does, but when I tried it in 21st century Sydney, all I got was a five thousand dollar fine, a restraining order and a spot on The Chaser's War on Everything.

Fashion Victims -
Historical accuracy aside, it's dumb for all this orgiastic sex to appear in a society where it take three hours for the servants to carefully unbutton your jacket.

Oh, and the beard. Dear God, THAT BEARD! We always thought the one in Farscape: Jeremiah Chrichton was the worst one ever seen with the naked human eye! Oh, we were so better off before we saw this! JESUS CHRIST, IT IS UNHOLY! LIKE RASPUTIN'S INBRED TRIBBLE OFFSRPING!

Technobabble -
The Duke of Wellington plans to "reverse the orientation off the Froggy Credibility flow".

Links and References -
C'Rizz repeatedly mentions his insane, brain-dimmingly intense lust for Felicity Kendall ('Terri's Firmer').

Untelevised Misadventures -
Either there's a bungled reference to REG or Charley once got C'Rizz pregnant on a day trip to Brighton Beach.
In any case, I don't want to know.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The Ghost of Emperor Napoleon: the cult animated series written entirely by Terrance Dicks

Dialogue Disasters - Far too much. Imagine Pip & Jane on acid.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Cecily: We can soak up family life! Eat meals! Take the air together!
Charley: Sounds vomit inducing.
Cecily: Hmm. So it does. Want a pillow fight?
Charley: In wet T-shirts, though.
Cecily: Done!

Charley: Hi! I'm Charlotte Pollard, but my friends call me -
Passer-By: Shut-up, not interested.
(Charley sobs and takes out a handgun)
Charley: Now I must kill you. Get ready to die, knob head!

UnQuotable Quote -

C'Rizz: He thought I was a prostitute! OH, GOSH, VICAR! THE SHAME!!!!

Viewer Quotes -

"I felt Other Lies lacked a little plot. Well, a lot of plot. And drama. And the writing was... beyond disgusting! Frankly, it's not as good as auto-erotic electrocution."
– buzzman99 (2000)

"It's just plain wrong that the Duke of Wellington and Cecil Rizz were more sexy and interesting than the Pollard sisters. I mean, why? Sphincter for the Adept still makes me harder than a quadratic equation, so why doesn't this? I know familiarity breeds contempt, but to have that much contempt I'd need to be locked in a tiny room with both sisters for the next thirty-seven years! And I used to pray every night for that to happen! What strange apathy doth ooze forth from Big Finish! WHY DON'T WE GIVE A DAMN ANY MORE? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE MAGIC OF DOCTOR WHO?! AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE MAGIC OF GIRL ON GIRL XXX-RATED ACTION?!"
- Nigel Verkoff (pretty much all the time)

"I'm fascinated by Victorian Britain. As this story was done when George was regent, well, I gotta say, I refused to listen to it. I guess it's not really the sort of quote you can use. Sorry about it. I suppose I could pretend Victoria was in it. Would that help? I mean, looking back over a century at Britain is vague enough. But there isn't enough Victoria in it. It's like Season Four. Only six episodes of salty Victoria goodness. My pants are tight."
- Raquel Smeg (2005)

"I was right looking forward to this story. I look forward to them all, to be honest, and I never let the incredible, crushing disappointment grind me further into the dirt. How a little bit of me dies every time Gay Russell breathes in. I wish I had a parrot." – James Xu (2006)

"A nice, pure historical with our heroes getting involved in local politics, interpersonal relationships and various scrapes, some improbable coincidences, pathos... BO-ORING! WHERE ARE THE ALIEN MONSTERS? ANSWER ME THAT! DON'T YOU LOT WATCH 'TOTALLY DOCTOR WHO'?!"
- Chris Hale (2005)

"If there are any TV execs out there reading this (yeah, right!) India Fisher needs to be let loose in the world of television! She is a genuine talent! And when she bends over, you can clearly see..."
- mysterious, soiled and mainly unreadable letter to RTD (2004)

"A very enjoyable play, the best Eighth Doctor play in a long time. An excellent cast and some very vivid characters. Ultimately the plot was really just a runaround rather than anything earth shattering, but was no less entertaining for that. The light and humorous tone made it ideal for listening to over the festive season, but there were some more sombre elements to stop things becoming too twee. Overall, an unqualified success, and an ending that leaves you with a big smile on your face. Right, that should be vague enough for someone to quote."
– DIY Sheep (2006)

"I'd hesitate to say that this is a 'lightweight' story. I'd also hesitate to say it's 'romp'. I'd compare it in tone to 'Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World' - that'll do." – Cameron J Mason (2006)

"This story sucked. Yeah, go on, quote that, huh!"
– Rob Shearman (2006)

"Yes, thank you, Peter. Being a historical, I was initially worried that the story would resolve around someone trying to change Earth's timeline, an idea that Big Finish have overused in recent years to the point my brain bleeds, but instead Other Lies goes the route of the Doctor, Charley and C'rizz separated from the TARDIS and spending the entire story trying to find both it and each other. How utterly pathetic. Conscription is a valued Australian tradition and the divine Prime Minister Howard knows that the Dalai Llama is talking out of his arse. Young people need guidance, discipline, patriotism, and hair-trigger psychosis. We must protect the borders of Australia against the French, which is thankfully something the lefty, wishy-washy homosexuals that currently run Doctor Who have opened their blinked eyes wide enough to see something so obvious not even David Tennant could call it impossible. No doubt the rest of fandom will be sitting on the sofa with its hands down its pants, while I must stay a solitary bastion of common sense and traditional, discerning Whovian support... here at the AB friggen C." – Dexter Pinion (2006)

Psychotic Nostalgia -

Paul McGann Speaks!
"I liked Francesca Hunt. India and her older sister, getting very affectionate in between takes... DAMN IT! I JUST LOVE BIG FINISH!"

India Fisher Speaks!
"Comedy of manners, my arse. This is a blatant pilot for a whole new series of Big Finish – The Promiscuous Pollard Prostitutes! Well, come on, it was either that or Slitheen Empire, and not even Briggsy wants to do that, does he? Abzorbaloff Unbound, maybe, but Slitheen Empire?"

Conrad Westmaas Speaks!
"I would like to point out to my public (and yes, he has escaped again, I can smell him from here) that the claims I wear nothing but a thong during publicity shoots is a damn lie. It exposes far too much vulnerable skin for Paul and India to cut, bruise, burn and scrape. You think that picture of me bald and scaly is photoshoping? No, that’s fourth-degree burns! But, no, I like the character of C'Rizz. He's a likeable, well-meaning fellow. He just likes to kill people occasionally. And gets away with it.... Lucky bastard. I wish I could do that. A certain DWM editor is the first on my list..."

Trivia -
One plot thread involved C'Rizz being set as a werewolf-gram to Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. This was scrapped – mainly because it wasn't half as brain twistingly sick as the similar events in RTD's "Tooth and Tongue".

Rumors & Facts -

Whether or not Other Lies sheds new light on the hypocrisy of Victorian England is open to question. Like what pharmaceuticals were consumed in the writing of this "story".

It was during the recording of The Lust that Big Finished, egged on by cast, asked Witch Finder Matthew Hopkins to submit another storyline. Not because they liked his writing or even thought he had any actual talent for audio, but because they were desperate not to upset this maladjusted sociopath who introduced himself with the phrase "I'm Matt. I've got a problem."

Hopkins was planning on bigger things. After using righteous and divine retribution to murder the wicked characters of the Eighth Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz, he barged into BBC Wales and tried to take over the production of RTD's new Doctor Who.

Hopkins was beaten up, blindfolded, tied to a kitchen sink, had his nostrils plucked and was ritualistically abused by a gang of dwarves in what he would later dub "a marvelous weekend". However, spending a few hours in Rob Shearman's presence was enough to break him.

This left BBC Wales with a twitchy paranoid schizophrenic in the basement telling people lots of scary crap about how God speaks to him and tells him to write Doctor Who stories and murder people with 'evil eyes' and firing warning shots into their heads.

When Big Finish flouted every act of the Geneva Convention and mentioned events of the new series in Terri's Firmer (going completely outside their contract), they only managed to survive by agreeing to take Hopkins off their lily-white hands.

Having at last overcome their fear and terror of Hopkins, the production team went on a pub crawl and forced Hopkins to pay for it. Between shots of tequila, the topic of plots for the Eighth Doctor's twenty-sixth adventure came up, were forgotten, remembered and after a segue into the chest measurements of India Fisher and Billie Piper, the idea of light-hearted comedy of manners was arrived at, abandoned, returned to, mapped out, asked for directions and thrown up upon.

During March of 2005, Hopkins suffered a seventeenth psychotic episode and announced he was the reincarnation of Charles Dickens and was thus far too sophisticated and clever to write for Doctor Who, and besides, he spent more on moustache cups than Big Finish could (or would) pay him in five years!

Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery demanded he get back to work or they would take him to the nearest McDonalds and dump his paralyzed body in the deep fat fryer and distribute the chips he would be made into among the housemates of the latest Big Brother series.

"Dickens" grudgingly returned to work and completed Other Lies as a twenty-seven episode story with a cast of more than two billion speaking-parts. The one good point was that C'Rizz would have to spend the entire adventure trapped in the TARDIS, unable to move or speak.

Ron Moody was introduced into the story when he absent-mindedly turned up for an audition for the Tenth Doctor – having previously auditioned for the part the previous nine times. Although it would have been easy to plot out an Unsoiled play for Moody, Gay Russell was the director and refused to be an easy pushover. Ron Moody's dearest dream thus remains just that.

"No Plot Today" by the cast and crew of Other Lies

No plot today!
The author's gone astray!
Director stands forlorn
A symbol of the dawn!

No plot today!
It seems a common trial
But fans who CDs buy
Don't know the reason why!

How could they know
Just what this message means?
The end of our hopes?
The end of all our dreams?

How could they know
Before the new series
The only Doctor Who
Was the one with damn C'Rizz?

No plot today!
It wasn't always so!
The company was gay
The Big Finish way!

When the music played
We screamed that it was real
But now its back on TV
Big Finish No Big Deal

But all that's left
Is fan fic far too costly
Two shiny discs
In pompous
Used as ashtrays
While we watch stuff by RTD
It's astonishing!

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