Wednesday, December 2, 2009

8th Doctor - Zagreus (ii)

Part Two - Fart Spam

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass are building a giant tower out of Weetabix Top Trumps cards, and idly discuss what they plan to do for the weekends. The Doctor was considering having a quick trip to a forest reserve and cutting down Canadian redwoods with a herring, while Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass admits once he destroyed all possible realities, he didn't have anything planned, and offers to tag along.

"And then what?"


"And then what? I mean, if you do that, we do sort of kill the opportunities for further mischief. We can’t go and vandalize the cubist exhibitiion on Patrellis Major, freak out that oracle of KS59 or laugh at the JFK conspiracy theorists. We can’t even play I Spy because you DESTROYED THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE!"


Meanwhile, Peri leads Charley over to a corridor where a three-foot talking penguin is repeatedly banging his head against the wall. The reason for this soon becomes obvious when they realize that his companions are the senile Dr. Evelyn Smythe and the insufferable Melanie Bush.

The Sixth Doctor arrives, dressed in a bitching black cloak and Goth makeup, asking everyone refer to him as Provost Tepesh of the Arcalian chapterhouse - as he intends to pop down to Nosferatu's the Gay Vampire Night Club tonight, and wants to stay in character.

To the incredible boredom of everyone except Melanie, the Sixth Doctor explains he has discovered something truly educational - a holographic simulation of the first lump of superdense matter beyond Planck's Wall that triggered the Big Bang.

"Or, as some know it," the Sixth Doctor booms, "The Swinging Bachelor Pad of Rassilon!!!!"

The entourage follow him through a doorway into the pre-dawn of all history.

Curiously, this looks just like a squalid bedsit in 19th Century England.

Peri and Frobisher are furious, Evelyn is confused, Charley is bored shitless, and Melanie berates the Doctor for taking a wrong turning and insists she knows the proper route through these dreamscapes.

"For God's sake, Mel!" the Sixth Doctor screams. "You're just a corrupted anti-time shayde of the real Melanie Bush! You are nothing but a mis-remembered dream! So for once in your revolting life, stop acting like you best you REDHEADED BITCH!"

The Sixth Doctor notes that although they all expected something a bit cooler and Lovecraftian, this bedsit is shifted seconds out of synch with the rest of the entire universe. The whole of creation came from this one point, and was clearly devised by some student that didn't get out much.

Frobisher realizes they literally have the dirty laundry of God and might be able to learn his secrets and blackmail the supreme creator of the entire stunted macrocosm.

"That'd just be silly," Mel says condescendingly and pats the penguin on the head.

Before Frobisher can morph into something six foot tall, armor plated, with more teeth than the entire Osmond family and use the 1980s fitness freak for dental floss, the Doctor bites Mel's neck and kills her.

Peri is impressed at the Doctor's new found vampireness, but the Doctor explains he was just in a bit of a mood. Besides, her blood is neat carrot juice and who in their right mind would want to drink that?

The Brigadier wanders in, looking for the lavatory, and Charley protests that this stupid simulation is as dull as the last one.

"Dull?" the Brigadier exclaims. "You just saw a scenario based on historical fact as something outside the boundaries of space and time nearly broke into this existence! You call that DULL?!"

"Of course. There wasn't nearly enough sex, violence and realistic gore."

The Brigadier sighs, shakes his head and storms off again.

Meanwhile, Evelyn notes a huge pile of cassette tapes marked "Oddly Visuals" with titles like "The Space Mail", "The Time Cabbages", "The Mutant Phrase", "Just a Judas", "Bored of Ironing" and "Just This Once". Frobisher notes a huge pile of submissions to something called "Big Finish Productions", each one with a stamp saying FUCK OFF, BRIGGSY. The Doctor is more troubled by the wardrobe full of dinner suits, bowties and toothbrushes.

Peri, however, discovers a strange meccano set and a to-do list stuck to the fridge, which Charley rapidly empties because giving birth on another planet causes quite an appetite apparently.

Reading the to-do list, Peri discovers that the owner of the bedsit has created the meccano set which will trigger the creation of a whole universe for the next 100 trillion years, and seed it with nanobots which will create a specific collection of individual humanoids on planets who will do certain things.

"So God keeps post it notes on his fridge?" Frobisher muses. "And yet... I'm not surprised..."

The Sixth Doctor broods over the fact the entire web of time is not creation by the Time Lord Rassilon and his 1957 Chevy, but instead some wanker sci fi fan called Briggsy. If that's true, Briggsy must come from a completely different universe - and since it's unlikely THAT one was created by Briggsy as well, it's probably a hell of a lot more interesting...

However, Evelyn - mistaking the meccano set for a VCR and trying to tape an episode of "After Henry" - accidentally sets off the firestorm that will in turn create the big bang and start off the entire universe.

The Sixth Doctor and his companions react to this news with their usual cold, hard pragmatism in the face of certain death - by having screaming fits of hysteria and panicking until they hyperventilate and collapse.

Sensibly Charley kicks the fridge in the hope it will stop the simulation, but all it does is bring Mel back to life, safe and sound as before.

Seeing this, Charley starts screaming in hysteria as well until Melanie shrieks at her to "just shut the fuck up for one single solitary moment for the love of God!"

Charley thinks that this is the height of chutzpah, but follows the redhead out of the simulation and into the corridor. Thanks to the TARDIS's wacky layout, Event One is happening in the broom cupboard while Event Two is occurring in the stairwell directly opposite.

Mel cheerfully suggests they pop into it to see just what will happen to the universe 100 trillion years down the line, certain it will be a time of peace, prosperity and personal advancement.

"Dear God I hate you," Charley mutters as they enter the simulation.

The Doctor and Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass are now so bored out of their skulls they have decided to redecorate the TARDIS using its architectural configuration systems and a wallpaper book to blow up rooms - hopefully ones that Charley might be in.

Suddenly, the door to the tunnel opens and unspeakable creature emerges.

Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass screams that it must be a Jabberwock, straight out of the pages of The Alice In WonderLand Compendium, sent to destroy them.

The Doctor points out that if it IS a Jabberwock, it's a Terry Gilliam animation from a forgotten episode of Monty Python - but admits if he's right, this actually makes the creature ten times as dangerous.

They scramble out of the door, neatly fusing into one entity as the hideous creation shambles after them, long, claw-ended arms reaching blindly after its fleeing prey...

Charley and Mel arrive in a funfair where mascots dressed as Disney animals are being hunted down and shot in the head by other mascots dressed as Disney fairy tale characters. As snarling pirates hunt down Mickey Mouse through a hall of mirrors, Charley shakes her head and walks straight out again, explaining she doesn't have to put up with any more of this shit.

In the next room, Charley and Mel bump into the leather clad, bazooka-wielding, sunglasses-wearing NA Ace who has been captured by the clever but unfeeling Gorgon-headed Medusians. Their cell mate "Professor" Bernice Summerfield, who has got completely legless on Napoleon brandy and is chatting up the furniture.

Despite Mel suggesting they calmly and sensibly try to communicate with their captors, Ace prefers to grab the servile guard delivering food, knock them to the floor, perform a partial dissection with a broken bottle before beating them up in a homo-erotic display of feminine aggression.

"Is she ALWAYS like this?" Charley asks Bernice.

"You betcha. Hic."

After this disgusting display of guns and frocks mentality, the quartet of warrior women flee into the palace outside, where all the other Medusians are lying around, drunk and high and of no threat to either of them. In order to exorcise some unresolved issues with her mother, Benny scratches her phone number into a courtyard wall, and then they escape.

Running out into the forests outside, they bump into a shimmering silver being calling itself Phyllis and its life partner Dianne. Phyllis explains that the Medusians are fighting with the MutterMonks of Mutterdom over mineral rights, worse, the Medusians are harboring weapons of mass destruction!

"The Lumidolphs!" Phyllis booms - referring to a particularly lethal brand of florescent dolphins with nuclear bombs strapped to their heads.

At this point, Charley, Mel, Bernice and Ace turn and walk off in disgust, as Phyllis and Dianne jump up and down and scream desperately that the war must be prevented at all costs because it will stuff up the party season.

Over the hill, the quartet discover the palace of King Chimpanzo, a blue spider monkey with fleas and unsurprisingly clueless about what to do to prevent the entire destruction of his civilization from day-glow thermonuclear dolphins.

But then, Chympanzo's ginger-haired advisor, Merlin, suggests that he use the Mongs - a genetically engineered race of highland ferrets which are just perfect for dealing with the powerful, magnetic and genocidal Medusians, and frankly, what kind of moron would genetically engineer ferrets for any OTHER reason?

Chympanzo agrees to send a peacekeeping force of ferrets into Medusia Palace to restore order, but before any more Iraq War commentary can occur, Ace rips off Merlin's ginger wig to reveal that it was the Seventh Doctor all along!

What's more, it turns out that Phyllis, Diane, Chympanzo and the Medusian guard were Roz, Kadiatu, Chris and Hex (the later seriously pissed off after Ace beat nine colours of shit out of him)!

Therein follows a long, tedious and drawn out argument full of references to New Adventures I've never read, in fact, references to New Adventures NO ONE has read since 1995. Ace yells at the Seventh Doctor for sacrificing Jan to the Hoothi, and the Seventh Doctor yells at Ace for stabbing him in the back and selling him out to the Meddling Monk. Bernice shouts about the Seven Planets or something, while Chris is desperate to avoid the ever growing army of illegitimate children he is fathering, and Kadiatu still doesn't know how to pronounce the names of Also People.

Charley finally runs in between them and shouts "WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU LOT? ARE YOU ALL OUT OF YOUR MINDS?!"

There is an embarrassed pause and the Seventh Doctor points at her with his umbrella and shouts, "Jailbait! JAILBAIT FRRROM THE DAWN OF TIIIIIME!" whereupon everyone starts to beat her up.

Meanwhile, the Seventh Doctor uses a mobile to ring the solicitor's firm of Eternals Death, Time and Pain and note he has restored the cosmic balance of Aquatica and created peace between the three kingdoms. Only took him sixty billion years, too.

Charley realizes that the Universe is now coming to an end around them and they really should be trying to get out of the simulation before the sky tears itself apart above them.

It is then the Seventh Doctor senses something trying to force its way out from the other side of the rift - it sounds like Murray Gold and Enya, smells like a Slitheen farting, and there are lots of chips everywhere.

Charley finally twigs that something has been trying to break into the universe ever since the mysterious Briggsy created it, and nearly managed it in the 1950s and at the very end of time and space. Either Briggsy is incredibly powerful or this unknown force is not particularly goal-orientated.

Charley leaves the squabbling companions to angst out their horror and anguish while she bumps into the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass running desperately from the other direction, being chased by the jabberwock.

Charley stares at the gaunt, demonic, blood-drained creation and exclaims.

"Isn't that my baby?"

The Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass screams even louder and hides behind Charley.

The creature, one third Time Lord, one third human, on third Furby, highly radioactive, drug addicted and alcoholic, wearing a question mark nappy, actually resembles Richard E Grant after a night out on the town with Keith Richards.

"There is no way that thing could have come from my DNA!" the Doctor/Zig-Zag-gay-Ass wails. "And there's no way I claim parentage of it, understand?"

"I'm sure he'll look nicer when he goes up," Charley points out half-heartedly, but admits she doesn't particularly like her offspring. There's little chance she'll be able to score with THAT walking advertisement for birth control lurching around her.

Terrified, the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass and Charley run to the ruined control room and desperately open a communications frequency with Gallifrey to get the Time Lords to come and sort out all this bollocks for them, despite the fact it is quite obviously a dumb course of action, since if the Time Lords enter the TARDIS, er... well, bad stuff happens, as established in part one. I think.

These last few episodes have in fact taken six whole months (feels longer) and Romana has successfully returned to Gallifrey and gone on vacation in her office, getting K9 to read "Theta Sigma and the Philosopher's Stone" to her, when Cardinal Irving Braxiatel texts her to say that the Doctor's TARDIS is sending an all-frequency alert: "Please Save Our Sorry Asses Please!"

Romana laughs evilly and gets Leela to give her a Swedish massage.

The Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass realizes he shall have to try and bootlick an even higher authority that the President of the Supreme Council of Time Lords, specifically the Great Lord Rassilon himself! Unfortunately, that's like deciding to get Arthur, King of the Britons to sort out your tax return - unlikely and ridiculous.

Suddenly, the TARDIS buckles out of control and its doors open onto the vortex, sucking out a lot of useless props, merchandise and Charley - though not the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass or his nauseating offspring.

The Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass justifies his refusal to save Charley on the grounds he risked infecting the entire universe with anti-time and Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass energy, and if it got rid of an annoying stalker, well, that's just down to good luck.

Suddenly, an old black man in the ancient robes of Gallifreyan nobility strides into the control room, untouched by the ravaging Time Winds. The Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass is stunned to see Lord Rassilon himself has manifested in the TARDIS.

Suddenly, Rassilon's face becomes a cheap latex mask which the figure rips off to reveal a bald white man beneath - his ceremonial cloak falling away to reveal a tuxedo with a bow-tie and toothbrush.

"There is no Rassilon, just me! I created the Great Legacy of Rassilon, I live in the Great Tomb of Rassilon, I sleep the Great Sleep of Rassilon, I wield the Great Power of Rassilon, but I am not Rassilon. I am responsible for the Heroes of Omigod, Vanderdyke and Moby, shaped the course of time and space, I created this entire universe!" the figure booms.

"But if you're not Rassilon, who are you?" the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass gasps.

The newcomer grins psychotically. "I am the Great, the all-seeing, the all-knowing, the all-understanding, I am omnipotence itself!"

"You're not narrowing it down, dude," the Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass cuts in.

"I... am... NICHOLAS BRIGGS!!!"

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