ACT TWO – THE ENEMA GENE!
The newly created Dustbins in Professor Martez’s laboratory open fire – and Martez realizes that putting creatures with two eyes into cybernetic casings designed for creatures with only ONE eye causes a complete loss of depth perception. The confused creatures completely miss the Doctor, who laughs in their faces and then runs away.
Martez screams at the Neo-Dustbins to do something, but the cyborgs succeed only in bumping into each other uselessly, giving the Doctor all the time he needs to close the door to the lab, lock it and throw away the key, trapping the monsters and their maker FOREVER!
Meanwhile, Tom Campbell and a bunch of non-speaking extras are finally allowed inside the Dustbin saucer and lined up against the wall and questioned about Professor Martez and whether or not the mad bastard is creating a new race of Dustbins on New Cardiff Rising.
The survivors haven’t the faintest idea what the Dustbins are talking about, and the disappointed aliens thank the humans for their time... and then exterminate the lot of them, in a gory crossfire of glowing CGI skeletons and screams of agony.
As the Dustbins turn away, we discover that Tom is still alive – thanks to his amazingly useful anti-alien tinfoil-beanie! Once again, the paranoid schizophrenic conspiracy theorist survives where normal men die screaming. Makes you feel proud to be British, doesn’t it?
Parte the Third
As the Neo-Dustbins desperately try to cut their way through the bulkhead, Martez uses the intercom to flirt heavily with the Doctor – but now he knows that inside that hot female body is a middle-aged psychopathic MALE brain rather kills the passion. Instead, the Doctor starts quoting Buffy catchphrases to taunt Martez until s/he switches off and leaves him alone.
"Seriously, what is it with Dustbin Creators?" the Doctor muses. "The wankers never want to shut up..."
The Dustbins decide they’ve spent enough time pissing about and they will locate the Doctor by their own means. They collect Lucie from her cell and drag her onto the command deck. Despite seeing the Dustbins gather up humans and exterminate them in death squads, Lucie STILL believes that the metallic aliens are going to apologize to her for her rough treatment even after she showed them her tits.
The Dustbins send out an infomercial to the whole planet, warning the survivors of a dangerous criminal known as the Doctor who plans to
destroy them all, and if anyone knows his location they should inform the Dustbins immediately. They then drag forward Lucie – not only will her bare breasts keep the audience’s attention, she is actually the Doctor’s accomplice. They order Lucie to describe her terrorist, and it quickly proves that this is generally speaking a dumb move.
"Yeah, I was just... I haven’t known him for long. I don’t even like him. In fact, I think I’ll kill him for getting me into this mess. It’s all his fault! Oh, it don’t matter. Hello, I’m Lucie bleeding Miller. Er, right. The Doctor’s about the same age as me dad. What do you mean, 'be more specific'? I dunno, somewhere about 40-something. You know. Old. But he wears funny stuff like an old hippy or, you know, something you’d see in some boring film. Long hair, leather jacket, funny collar, tie-dyed cravat, probably thinks he’s smart but he’s probably never shopped anywhere trendy in his life..."
Finally the Dustbins give up – suspecting that Lucie is some brilliant double agent sent to confuse their logic circuits. They tell the people of New Cardiff Rising to 'keep em peeled' and threaten to exterminate Lucie if he does not surrender himself to them before the end of the episode. The Doctor, watching this infomercial at the Zantek Facility, beams happily at the thought and puts his feet up.
"Well, well, well. Looks like the Time Lords have well and truly screwed you over, Lucie Miller – and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person!"
Just then the Neo-Dustbins blast their way out of the incubation chamber and break through to the lab, so the Doctor screams like a girl and runs away as fast as he can. Martez laughs evilly and rants that her Dustbins must fulfill their destiny and other shite along those very predictable and unimaginative lines.
Finally understanding that the Dustbins will exterminate her, Lucie cheerfully decides to betray the Doctor to their complete lack of mercy, no questions asked. She leads them out of the saucer and back towards the TARDIS... just as the Doctor appears, running like hell back to his time machine.
"There you go lads, he’s all yours," Lucie cheers and then runs away herself as the Dustbins en masse open fire on the Doctor. There follows the usual chase sequence as the Doctor flees for his life, runs into a ruined building and heads for the upper floor. As the Dustbins continue to search, the Doctor discovers he is sharing his hiding place with Lucie, who gives him a winning smile.
As the Time Lord slams her head against the wall repeatedly to teach her not to go around betraying her betters to their mortal enemies, the Dustbins stop short as Martez’s Neo-Dustbins arrive.
The Neo-Dustbins explain they are the ultimate evolutionary life form, created by Professor Martez who sent a signal to the Dustbin Empire to help him transform the people of New Cardiff Rising into Dustbins. But the invaders only came here to stop people muscling into their pure Dustbin franchise – and these Neo-Dustbins have deviated from the core guidelines as laid down by Terry Nation himself.
The Neo-Dustbins ask if this is bad, and the Dustbins decide they no longer wish to talk to these empty-headed mutant freaks and open fire, reducing the Neo-Dustbins to scrap. Even the Doctor is moved at this sight of instinctive racist genocide... but Lucie doesn’t care, but at least she’s alive and she just wants to get out of here.
"Oh Lucie, there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to hate you properly," the Doctor sighs wistfully, before punching her lights out. However, as she falls through the window and into the street below, it attracts the attention of the triumphant Dustbins.
The Doctor surrenders and asks to be taken to the Dustbin Supreme – on the condition they exterminate Lucie right away. The Dustbins suspect some kind of freaky mind game and keep her alive for the moment. The Doctor swears loudly all the way back to the Dustbin Saucer.
Back at the Zantek Facility, Martez watches as her new generation of Dustbins are blown to smithereens. "Son of a bitch! Right," s/he shouts, "if you tin bastards want a war, you just got one!"
On board the Dustbin spaceship, the Doctor demands Lucie explain why the hell she was with the Dustbins in the first place. Lucie demands to know why the Doctor surrendered. The Doctor points out that the two-faced bitch was leading the Dustbins right to him, the treacherous slag! Lucie snaps she only went aboard the spaceship to get as
far away from the Doctor as she could!
"You couldn’t even manage THAT, could you?" the Time Lord sneers and soon the two prisoners are pushing and shoving and pulling each other’s hair in the sort of embarrassing girly fight that makes you relieved to remember yet again this is all on audio and you don’t have to SEE this humiliatingly childish spectacle.
The Dustbins decide to split up the quarrelling pair and send Lucie back to her cell, while the Doctor is brought before the Dustbin Supreme. He reveals to the Dustbins that the evil criminal genius Martez they are after escaped the hangman’s noose by having a surreptitious sex change, much to everyone’s nausea.
The Doctor goes on to reveal that in one of the endless time blockades in the Temporal Difference of Opinion betwixt the Time Lords and the Dustbins, a Dustbin cruiser was shot down and crashed on New Cardiff Rising, allowing Martez to start his insanely unoriginal experiments and was so ludicrously overconfident, he invited the genuine Dustbins to come and help him out.
The Doctor expects that the Dustbins tried to destroy the planet with an asteroid and is shocked when the alien robot people explain they did no such thing – there was no asteroid! The Nouveau Welsh populace were so utterly stupid they mistook their own moon for an asteroid and tried to blow it up in the atmosphere, Armageddon-style, only to destroy their own retarded society instead.
"It’s funny because it’s true," Klint giggles idiotically.
The Dustbin Supreme explains that the Neo-Dustbins are a breach of intergalactic copyright laws and they have come to ensure the destruction of Martez and hir army of darkness. The Dustbins know the Doctor has been in contact with the mutants and demands to know where they are, but the Doctor tells them there’s no need for threats this time. He knows what they want and he’s willing to help them!
"WHY?!" demand the Dustbins.
"Like I need ANOTHER transsexual DNA-re-writing mad scientist trying to conquer the whole universe! Let’s nuke the fucker!"
In her cell, Lucie is delighted when Tom appears again as she has some to bitch at for all the horrible things that have happened to her that she in no way deserves and are all completely down to the fault of the Doctor. After listening to her rambling on for twenty-six seconds, Tom gives up and decides to kill himself by drinking battery acid from the countless flat Eveready Batteries he has about his person. Lucie starts to panic and pleads with him to release her from the cell, so she can get plastered on toxic substances as well.
At the Doctor’s orders, the Dustbin Saucer takes off and flies across the ruined city towards the Zantek facility as the Doctor provides the coordinates for the Dustbins to fire their Complete Carnage Ajax Missiles which will wipe clean the surface of the planet.
"YOU ARE AN... EFFICIENT ALLY, DOCTOR!" the Dustbin Supreme flirts after an awkward silence.
"You hopeless romantic, you!" giggles the Doctor coyly, hugging the alien cleaning machine in what is without doubt the most disturbing scene in this ENTIRE season.
Mercifully, this is cut short as the Dustbin Supreme orders the saucer to be programmed to crash into the laboratory – thanks to the recession, time wars and inflation, the Dustbins don’t have any Ajax missiles to fire. This way the destruction of the saucer will not only wipe out Martez and his creations, but ALSO grant the Dustbin Empire a massive insurance pay-out!
The Doctor points out that they are all still on BOARD the saucer, and the Dustbins exclaim they hadn’t actually thought that far ahead. Quickly, they all shout "ELEVATE!" and float up into the air, evacuating the saucer en masse.
"WE SHALL VERIFY THAT ALL THE MUTANT DUSTBINS HAVE BEEN DESTROYED AND THEN WE WILL EXTERMINATE EVERY BANJO-PLUCKING WELSH RETARD ON THIS PLANET! ONLY ONE FORM OF LIFE MATTERS – DUSTBIN LIFE!"
"Don’t you do ANYTHING but kill and clean?!" demands Klint.
"A CLUE: NO!!!!"
Parte the Fourth
Inside hir laboratory, Martez laughs evilly as she activates more Neo-Dustbins to create an army to fight their new enemy. But even as s/he congratulates hir own unsurpassable genius, the Neo-Dustbins point out the whacking great flying saucer hurtling out of the sky straight towards them with gathering speed.
"It must be a Monday. I hate Mondays," s/he muses philosophically.
As the saucer draws closer, the very, VERY drunk Lucie and Tom are stumbling around, falling on top of control panels and soon manage to shut down the neutronic engines. The saucer thus drops like a stone before it can reach the Zantek Facility and crushes most of the Abandoned Warehouse District.
Despite all the laws of God and Man, the Doctor, Klint, Lucie and Tom are able to survive a crash that reduces half a city to rubble. Lucie drunkenly hurls abuse at the Doctor, pointing out that she managed to save all their lives and defeat the Dustbins so the Doctor should thank her. When the Doctor DOES thank her to shut her up, she shrugs and says "Whatever!", so everyone beats her over the head with bricks.
However, the Dustbin Supreme joins with its fifty-strong army and realize they’re going to have to fight the freakish mutant inbred Dustbins the old fashioned way and hurtle out of the sky towards the Facility, just as an endless stream of Neo-Dustbins surge out of the ruins – the upstart mutants already outnumber the genuine article and more are being churned off the production line as I type!
The Dustbin Supreme yawns and orders the mutant Dustbins to self-destruct... and the mutants ALMOST fall for this Simon-Says-style bit of crude trickery.
At that moment, the still-incredibly-drunk Tom arrives with a bunch of survivors on the same mailing list. Fueled with Dutch courage, they charge at both sides. The Neo-Dustbins’ insistence that they are not the enemy but just corpses of loved ones mutated into alien killing machines oddly enough does not sway the mob.
"Ungrateful proles!" shouts Martez as s/he churns out more zombie-mutant Neo-Dustbins out of their relatives’ entrails.
The drunken Lucie struggles to understand the logic of the Doctor’s plan, believing it’s nothing more than murder. Which it is, but as the Doctor points out, these Nouveau Welsh don’t have anything to live for anyway and between clean, merciless extermination and long drawn out disease, starvation and radiation poisoning, it’s not THAT much of a choice, is it?
Telling Lucie she was meant to die here on New Cardiff Rising and she needs to run to the heart of trouble with a bullseye on her face, the Doctor charges through the Dustbin-on-Dustbin violence and slips into the ruins of Martez’ laboratory. There he finds that the evil genius is suffering mood swings and depressions from hir hormone replacement therapy and is sobbing that s/he never meant to slaughter every last human being on her planet. "Just MOST of them," s/he weeps.
"You betrayed us to the monsters!" wails Martez.
"Which monsters?" asks the Doctor, arms folded. "They’re no different and they’re slaughtering your own people. And if your oh-so-supreme Dustbin rip-offs DO survive today, they’ll leave here and wreak havoc wherever they go, conquering innocent worlds or in-fighting with their own relatives. They only difference is they will have a Welsh accent as they scream their war cries."
"They are MY creation! I am improving humanity! It just so happens that it looks like a deadly galactic hurricane, a force that will create destruction and unimaginable misery everywhere! This is all your fault anyway!"
"THAT DOES IT! CHUTZPAH OVERLOAD! NO MORE!" screams the Doctor, sick to death of people going off their rocket and blaming him for absolutely everything with unnecessary vehemence. Having been trashed by Lucie, Klint and some homeless nutter in a tinfoil hat named Tom has pushed the Doctor past the point and he uses his sonic screwdriver to activate a convenient self-destruct plot device.
As he runs out, the Neo-Dustbins return for more reinforcements and discover that in the five minutes they’ve been gone Martez has let a wandering space tramp shut down the production line. Showing that – just like ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE ELSE in this story – they are incapable of showing any gratitude whatsoever, they repeatedly shoot Martez through the back of the head.
Meanwhile the Doctor returns to Tom’s flat, snatches up his Hatichami Jog Person, setting it to an annoyingly loud frequency on a rave-remix of The A-Team theme music, which will temporarily disorientate the Dustbins – long enough for the Doctor to use Orbital’s rave-remix of the Doctor Who theme music, which will prove DEADLY!
He bumps into the surviving speaking parts in a cul-de-sac as flying Dustbins from both sides close in on them. The Doctor activates the music player and the Dustbins suffer a momentary brain-shock and the rest will be down to their brute force!
The sound waves hit the Dustbins and they immediately suffer from a loss of control. They scream out and fall to the ground in confusion. Nevertheless, despite all the evidence of her eyes, Lucie thinks that the plan had failed and starts screaming: "You and your rubbish plans, Doctor! IT’S NOT BLEEDING WORKING! What are you doing, you soft wanker?!?"
The crippled Dustbins cannot possibly cope with Lucie and instinctively set off their self-destruct mechanism. The only survivors are the Dustbin Supreme and one of Martez’ Dustbins, both severely damaged and begging for Lucie to shut the fuck up already. Finally, the last of Martez’ Dustbins takes pity on the Dustbin Supreme and blows it to pieces before, with its dying breath, declares the Doctor the ultimate enemy of the Dustbins.
"YOU... WILL... BE..."
"The one who smashes your head in? Right first time!" the Doctor grins, grabbing Lucie and using her peroxide-blonde scalp to smash the bonded-polycarbide battle armor to pieces, and leaving Lucie concussed – dazed, confused, forgetful and incomprehensibly stupid. But at least she’s not saying "Whatever" all the time.
Now showing a modicum of concern for other people, the dazed Lucie suggests the Doctor gives the handful of survivors a lift in the TARDIS, but the Doctor refuses point blank to let Welsh people into his time machine. He’d have to have the place fumigated afterwards.
"Still, you can stay here for when the rescue ship turns up," the Doctor says, shoving her away from the police box as fast as he can. "No need for me to put myself out on your account, is there? It’s for the best, isn’t it? We’re both into free spirits and there are plenty of off-licenses left for you raid for booze, isn’t there? We both have our own lives to lead? Why should we dance to the Time Lord’s tune, hmm? Well, goodbye!"
The Doctor runs back into the TARDIS, twiddles knobs on the console and slams down levers – but to his horror, the time rotor does not budge a sodding inch! He tries whacking the console with a mallet, but the engines refuse to start. Finally, after four hours of temper tantrums, kicking the console and screaming 'WORK, YOU BASTARD!', the Doctor slumps down onto his pilot seat.
"You know," the Doctor muses to himself, "if I didn’t know better I’d say that some force was keeping the TARDIS here on New Cardiff Rising, almost as if the Time Lords won’t let me leave without Lucie."
The Doctor’s face falls and he starts headbutting the coral pillars of the control room as Lucie blunders in, still drunk and complaining that the street party was so boring she decided to leave. Typically, she just expected the Doctor to wait for her and is angry at the thought he might try and leave without her, even though she was willing to ditch him the second she got a better offer.
"You’re supposed to be protecting me, in case you forgot!" she rants. "Just cause I want to see the universe doesn’t mean I have with all yer moaning and yer preaching and yer unfashionable clothes..."
"Well, it looks like we’re stuck together for the foreseeable future," the Doctor scowls. "Fan-TAS-tic!"
Lucie rolls her eyes. "Whatever!"
The Doctor’s eyes widen, and then he strikes her over the head with his console mallet, knocking her unconscious instantly. Feeling much better, the Doctor sets the time machine to take off when he gets another text message from Klint:
OUR CALS HAEV B3N ANSWARED SONER AVEN THAN WA CUD HAEV PRAEYD!!111111! WTF IT SI WIT JOY AND RES2R3D FATEH TAHT I TEL U MAH FREINDS TAHT RESCUE TRULEY SI AT HAND!!11111!1 LOL A FLET OF SHIPS SI ON ITS WAY FROM A WORLD AT DA EDG3 OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM POPULAETD BY PEOPLA VERY MUCH LIEK OURS3LVES WORLD CAL3D TELOS!11!!! WTF
"New Cardiff Rising is having a really bad day," the Doctor muses as he pulls the dematerialization lever, and this time the TARDIS vanishes from the doomed colony.
At that moment on a far distant asteroid where civilization has been burned down, condemned, demolished, rebuilt and burned down again is the base of the Galactic Headhunters Guild, a place of arrogant, dolphin-hating, hippie-slaughtering mercenaries who seek, locate and destroy people for vast amounts of easily-converted wealth.
There, a rather severe leather-clad biker moll woman in sunglasses is performing unnecessary rhinoplasty operations on her fellow Headhunters, and generally beating the living shit out of anything that moves in clear violation of the Guild codes of internal conduct.
Finally, the Administrator of the Headhunters Guild arrives and the woman hastily exclaims, "You’re so lucky I got here when I did! I narrowly averted a massacre and HERE is the filthy culprit!"
"A banana peel?" asks the Administrator dryly.
"It was HORRIBLE! Those cartoons were right! One errant peel wiped out a whole banana boat of Headhunters! OH THE AWFUL HUMANITY! Hold me? I tremble!"
"A banana peel."
"No, I swear – it’s a radioactive banana peel with powers and abilities that set it far apart from normal produce! But since I’ve rendered all the other bottom-feeding psychopaths insensible, are there any jobs for your number one Headhunter?"
The Administrator hands over a piece of paper and walks off.
"Charming. So, what do we have here? 'Mr. Hulbert seeks guaranteed collection of Lucie Miller – that’s L-U-C-I-E, not Lucy, Miller – and returned to Earth in 2007. Currently on New Cardiff Rising, bio-signature attached, might be anywhere throughout all of time and space especially with the huge temporal warzone in the vortex.' Piss-easy! It’s not like she’s with the Doctor or anything, is it? I’LL DO IT!"
"Now, if only we had some decent music to listen to..."
"It’s just a bloody service station!"
"Oh dem it all the blasted luck!"
"Glittery top hat, tinsel feathered boa, stack-heeled boots and silver eye shadow... I thought this was Eminem, not Marilyn Manson!"
"EMINEM IS DEAD?!?"
"I’ve seen it all before. This plot is really derivative."
"Those aliens I keep on about will be here very soon."
"Doctor, what year is this?"
"Because we want to keep our pulse on the cultural zeitgeist!"
"Why are they called the Illegal Aliens?!"
"Is it me or is this so traditional it’s agonizing?"
"And it’s going to be a long night, so let’s start bickering amongst ourselves as the killer picks us off one by one. Is that OK with everyone? At all?"
...Horror of the Music Industry...