Thursday, December 3, 2009

8th Doctor - The Last (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who In The Lust, Sorry, Last Adventure
Doctor Who: Charley On Heat
Doctor Mysteria ia Lust-Monger
The Return of Adric 7 – Just DIE Already!

Fluffs – Paul McGann seemed totally libidinous during this story.

"I'm disappointed. I tried to teach you to understand.... something or another, but, as I've forgotten exactly what that was, I'll let you off this time... But I'm watching you!"

Goofs –
Why the hell does a fairground ride have a 500-megaton nuclear warhead built into it? The designers of Jules Verne theme parks must SERIOUSLY have too much time on their hands.

Fashion Victims –
Excelis victory gown. Yeeeeeeeuck.

Links and References -
This story finally reveals just where the Ninth Doctor got his cool leather jacket. OK, it also cancels out the Ninth Doctor's existence, but, after all, you can't have everything.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor has an indescribable phobia in regard to Jules Verne theme parks caused by a traumatic incident so disturbing he doubts even Charley could understand.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The original ending whereupon the Doctor wakes up, having dozed off while Foxx outlines the real challenge they have to do. This was edited out by Gay Russell who refused to countenance such a cheap, cop-out ending under his editorial control.

This was replaced by another final scene that was ultimately abandoned and replaced with the next story, "Cardiff"...

Charley: Doctor... You're letting me get cold and I put on this teddy especially for you. Again. Just how you like it.
Doctor: Sorry, Charley. I just can't seem to stay awake. Overwhelming tiredness. Where are we?
Charley: My bedroom on the TARDIS of course.
Doctor: Of course. When did we get it on?
Charley: On?
Doctor: How long ago did we start? I can't remember. My memory's not what it was when I see you dressed like that... Did we win the TARDIS back?
Charley: We didn't win the TARDIS back, silly. What are you on about?
Doctor: We were trying to win some stupid life-style show. Some fat bastard in sunglasses stole it and hid it down the back of his sofa. Steve Foxx! The Kro'ka!
C'Rizz: The what? Are you all right, Doctor?
Doctor: Not any more! C'Rizz, I don't care how much it helps your poetry, you're not allowed in the bedroom during Privacy Time!
C'Rizz: Well, it WAS Charley's idea.
Charley: Rather kinky, huh?
Doctor: Was it your idea for him to wear this gingham dress?
Charley: No.
C'Rizz: What? It's comfortable! Got a problem with it?
Doctor: Yes... No. No, I don't think so. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. About anything. I'm not even sure about you two.
Charley: I'm Charley, that's C'Rizz. Can we get back to sex please?
Doctor: No. He's putting me off. Unless... Wait! Charley and C'Rizz are dead!
Charley: Yup.
C'Rizz: That's right.
Charley: Necrophilia's underrated in my opinion.
Doctor: Let me get this straight. You're dead and you ACCEPT that you're dead as long as you get to have your wicked way with me in Charley's bedroom?
C'Rizz: There isn't a lot we can do about it.
Charley: It's not all that bad, Doctor. When you get over the initial shock, it takes a little getting used to, but then the electrodes on the nipples really start working for you!
Doctor: Yeah, I was wondering about that... Wait! Am I dead?
C'Rizz: Not yet.
Charley: But soon.
Doctor: Oh, no, you're really going to try and shag me to death this time, aren't you Charley! My worst nightmare! Actually, it's not so much a nightmare, more sort of 'things to do before I'm Merlin'. But I don't want it right now, thanks.
Charley: But don't you want to be with us, back in the TARDIS, free to travel wherever we wish, free to sleep around the whole universe, every universe?
Doctor: Is that a serious question? Charley, I've spent the last four seasons trying to ditch you and C'Rizz is something else entirely. You two can stay here, but I'm off back to life! You're happy here, nothing can hurt you, you'll never grow old, you have everything you could ever want and me, I get... Adric. And Katarina. Oh dear. The end of one relationship is the beginning of another.
C'Rizz: You'll have to die one day.
Doctor: Leave me alone, C'Rizz. If you think I want to do some Jean-Paul Satre crap stuck in a hotel room with you two for company for the rest of time, you are very much mistaken.
Charley: You really want to be with Adric?
Doctor: No. Oh well. C'Rizz, turn your back. Charley and I have got the fourth edition of the Karma Sutra to work through.

Dialogue Disasters -

Charley: We're all going to die.
Doctor: We're NOT going to die! Keep telling yourself we're not going to die. Every day, wake up in the morning and think 'Today, I am going to live!'
Charley: And if we die?
Doctor: Well, on that day, think this: 'You failed, loser!'

Excelis: What are you trying to do, you scaly idiot? Strangle me with my own face or something?
C'Rizz: Actually, miss, I was just trying to strangle you. It's kinda like my "thing".

Steve Foxx: The power of the Fist-Worthy is greater than you realize.
Doctor: What? The super ability to talk about yourself in the third person? I'm quaking in my boots. Wanker.

Excelis: Remember who you are ministers, cause I sure as hell don't!

Doctor: You built these weapons to defend your homeland. Those same weapons have destroyed that homeland. DAMN IT, I JUST LOVE DRAMATIC IRONY!!

Dialogue Triumphs -

C'Rizz: War? HUH! Good God, hey! What is it good for?
Doctor: Productivity? Unemployment? Industrial advancement? Male bonding? The free expression of man? Ab-sailing? Not to mention Jules Vern Porno Theme Parks!!
C'Rizz: Nah, nah, nah, Doctor. War... is bad. It's really, really bad. It's really, really, REALLY bad. It's really, really...
Doctor: Really bad. I get it! I GET IT!!

Lies: Little by little we have been brought to our knees.
Charley: You're just playing hard to get.

Doctor: You killed Charley?
Excelis: It was for the good of society!
Excelis: My good man, what do you think I'm trying to do??

The hear-breaking final scene between the Doctor and Charley -
Charley: Doctor, for all your amazing skills and talents you can't perform miracles. There's a limit to what you – or, indeed, anyone for that matter - can do.
Doctor: You are NOT helping.
Charley: It happens to all men. Apparently.
Doctor: Damn it Charley, I'm only one thousand, four hundred and ninety-eight... and seven months... I'M NOT EVEN FIFTEEN YET!!
Charley: You want to wait half an hour and try again?

UnQuotable Quote -

Adric: Hello, sailor!

Viewer Quotes -

"I found myself rather under-whelmed by The Lust, truth to be told. Not a patch on Faith Dealer, to be sure.
What I don't like about Matthew Hopkins in general is that he just doesn't go [I]far[/I] enough IMHO! :P
'Father James O'Mally. A great Catholic priest. A terrible human being, but a great Catholic priest.'"
- Father James O'Malley, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"This story could have just been so much better. Imagine, if you will, that now famous line – 'Hmmm... Bollocks to this!' – turn the key, push the button, BANG!!, theme music. Wouldn't that be one massive cliffhanger into the next adventure?
'*I* am what women want.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Um, yeah, it would. And, it sort of, well, did. It WAS one massive cliffhanger into the next adventure. Did you not listen all the way through?
'I may not be dead or intoxicated, but I'll manage one of the two before the day is out.'"
- Dave Restal, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Oh. Well, er, of course I listened to the whole thing! What are you implying, shortass? I was... was just suggesting that The Lust would be rewritten as a more devastating kind of gig that ended the 8th Doctor's era. You know, leave a whole mystery between the end of McGann's run (where he presses the bomb switch) and the start of Eccleston's.
'Give in. Give in to your cravings, bitch.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"WHAT?!?! Dude, we've got a bad enough situation at the moment with a 'whole mystery between the end of McGann's run (where he starts tripping in the TARDIS) and the start of Eccleston's'! Don't make a bad situation worse, you moron! At least until you've actually listened to whole damn thing!
'I could be right. I usually am. Except when I'm wrong of course.'"
- Andrew Beeblebrox, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"I *have* listened to the whole thing, you waste of oxygen! And I thought that it would have made an excellent finale story for the 8th Doctor – the way the situation gets progressively worse throughout the story reminds me a little of The Phantom of Androzani.
'It's a Sex-God thing. You wouldn't understand.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Uh, in what way?
'I'm entitled to my opinion – AND SO ARE YOU'"
- Ewen Campion-Clarke, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Well, in the way, um... well... that everyone dropped dead. In a quarry.
'Nigel Verkoff – Lust Dentist'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"That could be practically ANY Doctor Who story, Nige! The Phantom of Androzani was about a mad actor, salmonella being cured by bat's milk, and Colin Baker laughing evilly. The Lust is about... well... it's about lust, I guess.
'Jesus died for me. What a fool.'"
- Dave Restal, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Well, now that we've weathered that brilliant intellectual deconstruction from Master Restal there, we can get back onto some SERIOUS discussion!
I thought that The Lust undermined itself – showing the horrors of war effectively, it really undermined itself by playing into the popular facile notion that "war is always wrong". Or "war never solved anything". I hate it when the Doctor talks like that because, well, his knowledge of history should make him know better. While I think we can all agree that war is never good, can we honestly look back at history's wars and say that they never solved anything or never led to a better situation?
'I'm way better than that tool Fabian.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Oh, cock-a-doodle-doo, Nigel, what ARE you talking about? There's no mention of war until the fourth episode – whereupon the Doctor extols its virtues to a befuddled C'Rizz! Are you absolutely certain that you've honestly listened to the whole play?
'Nigel Verkoff is a retarded heap of ferret droppings.'"
- Andrew Beeblebrox, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Look, buster, all I’m saying is that when the Doctor goes all mushy and making sweeping generalizations that all war is pointless or bad... ugh. Obviously he's living in a different universe.
'Andrew Beeblebrox – created when God threw up on a pizza.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"'Obviously he's living in a different universe.'
Eerily accurate.
Yet also eerily obvious for a story in the "Divergent Universe Arc."
You really *haven't* been paying *any* attention lately, have you?
'Seriously. I really DO exist.'"
- Ewen Campion-Clarke, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"All right! I admit it! I just fast-forward through any bits where people are talking. Or clothed. Or, indeed, not Charley. I'm only in it for her.
On the bright side, I can get through 98 per cent of the entire 8th Doctor era in one evening.
'I can go all night. All night! Well, once. And possibly twice.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Cheers, Nigel.
'Eccentrica Gallumbits? Pah! Rank amateur'"
- India Fisher, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Heterosexuals... Who need 'em?"

Paul McGann Speaks!
"Yeah, The Lust was my final story as the Eighth Doctor. Well, the Eighth Doctor when he was alive. You know, looking back at the 1996 movie, you can see how much the character has changed. So much so, in fact, I'm fairly confident that the Big Finish Doctor isn't the one from the movie more skittish, lighthearted, knockabout... This is the movie Doctor's manic, oversexed, camper cousin who's covering for him at work today. And I hate that guy."

India Fisher Speaks!
"And so it ends. I'm no longer the current companion, and now people are stuck with Billie bloody Piper – a peroxide blonde with a voice like cats screwing and a mouth wide enough to lose Chris Evans in. Oh, well, at least I now have conventions to go to and, while most of the fans are pretty scary, I haven't noticed any of them stalking me. So they must be very good stalkers. I remember Carolyn Jones suggesting I didn't have a stalker at all. She's still in hospital."

Conrad Westmaas Speaks!
"The interesting thing about the way the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz are developing is how they react in different combinations. In this story we see how they each cope on their own, in pairings and as a team... The fact they all suffer horrible, sickeningly violent deaths over the last episode proves they are equally useless and doomed."

Trivia -
Each episode begins with a long, boring whinge from Excelis about how decadent society has become and how wholesome family values are the only way forward. Flip the bloody disk, lady.

Rumors & Facts –

After the screwy diversion of Faith Dealer, the continuing story of the Eighth Doctor's participation in Double The Fist takes on the harshest tone so far – unsurprising as it is written by Witch-Finder General Matthew Hopkins.

Hopkins had been involved in Doctor Who fandom on and off since time immemorial until, many moons ago, he went and got a proper job burning witches. However, society now frowns on that sort of thing ever since Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed made wiccas the sexiest thing on television.

In the firm belief that society had collapsed, Hopkins submitted a story to the Big Finish Productions. This was not the first time he had written a script for the program.

In 1986 he had offered his services to Eric Saward to write a story for The Mistrial of the Time Lord, a four-parter entitled Meltdown. This featured the Sixth Doctor, Peri and Sil visiting the Chernobyl nuclear power station which would turn Sil into a giant, radioactive monster who would obey God's will and slaughter the sinful Peri, replacing her with the wholesome Melanie Bush.

Saward replied by telling Hopkins to go forth and multiply elsewhere.

In 2002, Hopkins wrote a new script for the Eighth Doctor and Charley. Called Virginosi, the story concerned sexual fantasies breaking into reality and corrupting the minds of bit-part characters.

There were plenty of moments that seemed too close to the ones in both Faith Dealer and Cardiff, mainly because they were shamelessly plagiarized from the script.

As a Witch-Finder General is not someone you want to have as an enemy, Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery decided to commission another, less-nickable idea from Hopkins.

Hopkins idea was that the Lord himself should appear before the Eighth Doctor and Charley (whose activities Hopkins had followed devoutly since her debut in 2000) and smite down the sinners with ludicrously-appropriate karmic deaths, to separate the pure from the sinful and restore the balance of the apocalypse.

As he was a genuine Doctor Who fan, however, Hopkins allowed the Doctor to cheat fate by killing himself before the vengeance of the Lord could strike him down.

This idea was a bit extreme, but, as no one was prepared to annoy the religious mass-murdering zealot, he was allowed to outline a story which would end the narrative of Doctor Who forever despite the fact this season was specifically designed to fit into the new Russell T Davies-scripted series starring Billie Piper and Christopher Eccleston.

Despite freely admitting he was gripped in utter megalomania, Hopkins was happy to alter the scripts to suit the needs of Big Finish as long as the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz were placed into a desperate situation where there was no hope of escape or survival.

Working late at night into the early hours of the morning, Hopkins felt increasing detached from reality, isolated from the bleakness of reality. It was this borderline insanity that greatly contributed to the character of Excelis.

Changes made included changing the name of the planet from Teganjovanka to Chumran, named after the first victim of Godly retribution in Virginosi and revealing the origin of the Ninth Doctor's leather jacket, the lack of imagination in said jacket having caused mass suicides in fandom.

Production of The Lust was steeped in a grim, foreboding atmosphere by virtue of Hopkins having a hand in every aspect of production. Even the mournful sex music in the story is kept to a minimum just in case it annoyed the Witch-Finder General and he slaughtered all involved.

Not even the casting was spared from the sinister influence of Hopkins' power – he suggested that Carolyn Jones, the fanatical missionary zealot in the original 1970s run of Crossroads of Hellfire, be cast as Excelis. Clifford the Big Red Dog was also cast as Lies because Hopkins liked the idea of the fictional character appearing in his play, while Denial was portrayed by Ian Brooker, Un-Unbound Doctor and personal dog's body to Matthew Hopkins.

In fact, the story has more material in it than most six-parters as no one was brave enough to either edit or suggest Hopkins re-format the episode structure. Even Doctor Who Magazine boasted The Lust as one of Big Finish's very best productions out of sheer timidity.

If any further proof were needed that the entire production team were scared stiff of Hopkins is when he demanded that Adric and Katarina (two ex-companions of the Doctor who have ceased to be and joined the choir invisible) be used in the story. And was immediately obeyed.

Although Adriana Hill had died a few years previously, it was easy enough for Paul McGann to imitate her with three helium filled balloons and Trojan handmaiden outfit (not for the character, but for his own personal use). Big Finish had already created a CGI Matthew Waterhouse for a Fifth Doctor story No Phone, No Home, and had ever since been giving acting tips to the CGI Tom Baker constructed for the BBCi Shagged'er II webcast.

When later questioned about why he had given all editorial control to a paranoid fanatic, Gay Russell insisted Nick Briggs had not left his cage. When it was clarified he meant Matthew Hopkins, Russell explained that he didn't mind the return of Adric as it made the Doctor's suicide completely credible.

It is ironic that Hopkins script provides the first decent ensemble piece for the Eighth Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz as the script is merely an excuse to murder the lot of them by the end of episode four. Nevertheless, each of the three regulars is dealt a decent sized part and these lead to their inevitable destruction.

Paul McGann in particular shakes off the resigned, philosophical version he's been portraying recently and return to the more angry and suicidal manifestation last heard in Schizo. As the situation seems increasingly hopeless, the Doctor's casualness towards his act of suicide is absolutely brilliant as it encapsulates the Big Finish characterization perfectly and also demonstrates the Doctor's inherent refusal to hang around Adric at all.

The Lust also provides the character of C'Rizz grounding desperately needed after effectively two different origin stories for two different characters (morose angst-ridden poet in The Credo of the Moron and frustrated arrogant would-be womanizer in The Actual Mystery of Beer) to create an arrogant, would-be womanizer who pretends to be a morose angst-ridden poet to impress the girls.

However, Charley fares less well as she has lost that nymphomaniac enthusiasm that made her so appealing in the first place. No longer the shag-it-if-it-moves bigamist who stalked the Doctor, her matter-of-fact attitude to paralysis suggests she's looking forward to being the passive partner in future relationships doesn't do anything to reinforce the believability of this plot twist either.

It isn't difficult to see that while The Lust works fine as a standalone story, it is nigh-on impossible to fit into the middle of a continuing series of adventures designed to lead to a Ninth Doctor and a new television series.

JHE tried to look on the bright side, pointing out that Big Finish now had total creative freedom as to where they can take the Eighth Doctor and his audio companions.

However, Gay Russell detested such things, as already he was finding it borderline impossible to fit Past Doctor adventures into the TV canon, let alone decide what happened between Survival and the TV Movie and Mickey.

However, rather than negate the adventure and render it a disappointing runaround, Russell decided that The Lust would not returns its characters to a former point in their lives with no knowledge of what they have been through.

Thus, he decided that the rest of Season 31 would be devoted to showing the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz in the afterlife.

Matthew Hopkins, having left Big Finish to their spiraling panic and insanity, went over to BBC Wales and demanded that Russell T Davies allow him to rewrite the author's own "The Second Coming" into "God Blows The Fuck Out of Heathens With a Smith and Western .38" which would compose the final two-parter of Eccleston's first season.

RTD smiled disarmingly and pressed a control on his desk.

The trapdoor beneath Hopkins opened and he plunged into a subterranean cavern where Rob Shearman was being kept.

Hopkins' screams were heard for an hour.

Then, they stopped.

Finally, a reproduction of the special musical tribute to the death of Charley Pollard, created by Nigel Verkoff and genetic duplicates of the 1980s reggae band Amazulu replaced the theme tune this week:

"So Much Lust"

Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
(So much lust!)

Charley, when we're
And the lights
They start to dimmer
I really must
Change that light bulb

Oh, Charley,
When we're together
You move C'Rizz
Right out of view

Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
For you and I
Know it's not gonna last

Charley, order me a drink
Cause the last one's bout to finish
I can still remember
Richard E Grant

Why did you have
To get knocked up?
That's what I'd like
To know or maybe not

Yes, Charley there were
Plenty of nights to remember
Wiping out Dustbins
Cyber-threats to dismember

Let go of my arm as I
Flee back to the TARDIS
On second thoughts,
This relationship's retarded

Oh, C'Rizz, when you put
Your soft and tender
Hands around my neck...

Dear god, lizard boy,
Are you trying to kill me?
Frankly I'm sick
To death of
Both of you freaks

Got so much lust
For you and I
Know it's not gonna last


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