Friday, December 4, 2009

8th Doctor - Memory Lane (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Visits Pleasantville
Doctor Mysteria dia las Snooker Finals Morte
"The Public Are Sheep When It Comes To Artistic Appreciation" by Joseph Knobend and Vincent Poofarty

Fluffs – Paul McGann seemed to be day tripping for most of this story.

"Hey, C’Rizz, what... is the most RUUTHLESS thing... in THE BAKERY?!"
"What's a bakery?"
"Atilla THE BUN. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Maybe you need some more tabs of ecstasy to really appreciate the subtle humor..."

"Chocophobics... bunch a wankers."

Goofs –
The author is a comic creation of Adrian Edmonsen and not actually a real person. If he was, there is a chance he might have written something halfway decent.

Fashion Victims -
C’Rizz in his emerald green Zoot Suit and pink suspenders.

Technobabble -
The non-friction sex that Kim expounds relies on "non-Euclidean heavy mass-compaction petting".

Links and References -
Polly Wright, Charley’s niece makes her third appearance as the product of Charley’s disturbed imagination after appearing as similar hallucinations in "Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass" and "The Best Wife".

Untelevised Misadventures -
C’Rizz notes the TARDIS is regularly turning up in strange other-dimensional prisons of late, and composes a truly annoying poem about them using the phrase "Blatant Tremeloes Exploitation" no less than one thousand and one times.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The director’s commentary of "Star Begotten". For some reason.

Dialogue Disasters –

(The Doctor pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head.)
Doctor: I’m hungry. Who fancies a pizza?

C'Rizz: Perhaps, just for once, the voices can do something for me.
Kim: Like what?
C'Rizz: Sing "California Dreaming" without me having to accompany myself. It's a really pathetic sight to behold.
Kim: And it’s up against stiff competition.

Tom: Space Lego isn’t for girls. Girls like building hairdressers and flower shops, not rockets and satellites and all that good stuff.
Charley: What are you on about? Girls like science fiction! Hell, I use a light sabre for a vibrator – that’s how hardcore I am!
Tom: [starts drooling and then falls over]

Lest: How in the name of all that’s sane can you possibly defeat me?
Doctor: I shall use my super Time Lord powers and ask you to stop!!

Kim: Not being afraid of dying and not wanting to die aren’t the same thing. I think. It’s kinda like "jealousy" and "envy". There’s a difference, everyone knows there’s a difference, but no one gives a flying fuck about what it is.

Charley: What's inside the room, Doctor?
Doctor: I shall use my super Time Lord powers and look through the window to find out!

Polly: Oh, for heaven’s sake, Auntie! It seems as though never a minute passes without you sustaining an illegitimate pregnancy as a consequence of some reckless enterprise.
Charley: Huh?
Polly: Sorry, did I say that? What I meant to say was: KEEP YOUR LEGS TOGETHER, YOU DISGUSTING WHORE!

C’Rizz: How are you going to pay for those ice creams?
Doctor: I shall use my super Time Lord powers and collect suitable coins from my wallet! If there be a difference in cost, I shall collect the change and use it later!
C'Rizz: Whoa.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Argot: Funny shape for a female reproductive system. Still, that’s blondes for you.

Mrs. Braudy: Don’t hurry on my account. Stay and watch the end of the episode if you want.
Doctor: Really?
Doctor: Really?
Mrs. Braudy: Naw, love. Just joshing. Would you like a cup of tea at all? And I got some biscuits knocking about.

C'Rizz: You were watching TV and shagging each other senseless while I was out there, counting to a hundred and looking for you? In the cold, miserable rain?!?
Charley: We’re nothing if not consistent.

Kim: Are you brave? Or just tired of life?
C’Rizz: Stop playing hard to get. You’re just DYING to snog me.

Lest: I’m very grateful to you, Doctor. I honestly thought I’d never escape from a life of servitude to the evil Mohawk. Excuse me, I thought I might go and find something to eat.
Doctor: I shall use my super Time Lord powers and ask you to make me a cheese and mustard pickle sandwich.
Lest: Do it yourself, Hippy.
(The Doctor pulls out a gun and shoots Lest through the head.)
Doctor: What a tragic waste of human life.

UnQuotable Quote -


Viewer Quotes -

"I do so hate that annoying habit of 21st century scriptwriters to include friends and relatives of major characters. Charley’s niece, Polly Wright, has appeared in practically every episode! Well, a few episodes. In three stories. And she mentions she has sisters! Okay, so the original series featured Victoria's father, Leela's father, Adric's brother, Nyssa's father, Tegan's aunt, cousin and grandfather, Turlough's brother, Peri's stepfather and Ace's grandmother and mother (as a baby), but these only ever appeared in one story. They weren't regular fixtures! WHY WON’T ANYONE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?!?"
- Gabriel Chase, The Discerning Who Fan (2007)

"Baker Street is a little bit odd and a lot of fun. Like hiding in the locker in the girl’s shower room and watching them all come in and strip off slowly, exposing smooth skin to the cool damp air, soaping each other with mounds of foam... Sorry, man, I gotta go."
– Nigel Verkoff (2000)

"Not as shithouse as Touchwood 2: This Time It's Personal."
– Chris Chin-Balls (2009)

"This story was so bad it made me want to pull the bed sheets over my head and suffocate myself to death with my own farts. Which midget tosser wrote this drivel? Which foul little troll produced this audio enema? Oh, I despair even describing it! It’s so uncouth! And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's someone loud, annoying, obnoxious and uncouth! That is the exact opposite of how I've lived my life! Speaking of which, what a horrible state my life is in!"
– Sir Richie Richard Esq. (2008)

"I'm sure that some people may disagree with me, but there was no Holocaust. It’s just a journalistic invention." – Austen Tashous (2004)

"More bloody repeats." – Father James O’Malley (2006)

"Hey! This is just like The Unholy Error! Those bastards totally ripped me off! HOW VERY DARE THEY?!??" – Rob Shearman (2007)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Baker Street is in my ears and in my eyes! There beneath the blue suburban skies I sit, and meanwhile back! Penny lane is in my ears and in my eyes! There beneath the blue suburban skies, Baker Street!!"

Paul McGann Speaks!
"No summer can ever quite be as glorious as the ones you remember from when you were young, when a sunny afternoon seemed to last forever and all there was to do was ride your bike. Well, ride your bike and eat ice-lollies. And play with Lego. Oh, and listen to the Beatles. Well, Liverpool, 1963, they were the big thing, they were.
I wanted them to call this story Penny Lane instead of Baker Street. But no. John Lennon was my hero. Like him, I’ve sung in bands, in choirs, Latin masses, rock’n’roll, and once, when I was very drunk, I appeared in "Doctor Who and the Chorus Line". But you won’t have heard of that, because I destroyed every copy.
...that sounds like something out of a Christmas cracker, doesn’t it?
Piss off."

India Fisher Speaks!
"My friends send me reviews or tell me that I have to read something that’s written on Outpost Gallifrey – usually an incredibly vulgar biological suggestion by one of my many obsessive admirers! In the world of Doctor Who, people do stalk me. To the rest of the world, I am sexy, full-breasted fertility figure worshipped by the Royal College of Physicians!! It’s a strange dichotomy, my life – fan mail one side, giving executive relief on the other..."

Conrad Westmaas Speaks!
"There are a lot of stories made up about our work at Big Finish, and they really should be put to bed. One, I really am as stunningly gorgeous and attractive as the DWM previews state – the exoskeleton is just a skin condition I’m getting help for. Two, Paul McGann is with us in the studios during recording. It isn’t any kind of editing trick, he’s in there, with me and India. This is also why he takes half his bodyweight in tranquilizers during recording. And finally, the claims that C’Rizz is getting his own spin off series are unfounded. In fact, I shall simply be doing my definitive version of Shakespeare’s Othello, portraying him less as a tragic, betrayed figure and more as a psychotic Eutermisan wannabe poet."

Trivia -
This story’s cover art used up the final photo of Paul McGann playing the Doctor in the TV Movie 'Dr Root & The Enema Within'. Rather than simply re-using photos, Nicholas Briggs took the easier route of completely redesigning all Big Finish covers and lay outs to a cost of thirty six thousand pounds.

Which, in those days, was a lot of money.

Rumors & Facts -

I'm impressed that they had the nerve to make this story, a tissue
thin plot that relies on suspicion and paranoia alone to keep the
story running for 100 minutes of karioke, sex and exploding gas ovens.

As 2006 began was becoming painfully clear that the public were rapidly losing interest in the ongoing adventures of the doomed Eighth Doctor, his stale sex slave Charley Pollard and the depressed beatnik lizard poet C’Rizz. Especially since they no longer tackled interesting villains like Cybermen, Snotarans or even the Garm.

After four releases of this ill-matched trio wandering around boring places, bitching at each other and occasionally breaking BBC policy repeatedly by chatting about the events of RTD’s TV series, enthusiasm for the adventures were at an all time low.

Thus, Producer Gay Russell decided to end the fifth season of Paul McGann adventures with a rip-snorting, skull-crushing extravaganza of fast women, loose cars, returning monsters, and a heavy dollop of Split Endz music at incredibly inopportune moments.

Thus, the original closing story – Jonathon Creek’s "All Hallow’s Eve" Halloween special, which had the Eighth Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz experiencing the events of Halloween: H20, but instead of Michael Myers as the psychotic serial killer stalking them, it would be Jonathan Pryce in a cape shouting "Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name!"

However, Jason Haigh-Ellery knew if Russell himself attempted to pen the replacement "epic", Big Finish would be firebombed before they even started recording, and all the really good writers had already been nabbed by Russell T Davies to remake their stories for his own personal, and high canonical, empire.

Thus, Russell turned to the homemade possibility generator Rob Shearman built entirely out of plastic coffee-stirrers one lunch time. With this he was able to visit parallel time lines and manifest them in this reality... but for some reason, this simply caused 1980s British comedy characters to pop into existence.

After being repeatedly kicked about the head by the cast of Not The Nine O’Clock News, assistant producer Ian Farrington approached Neil Weedon Watkins-Pye, a drug-addicted hippie philosophy student with impotence.

Pye’s outline for this special story was "The Myriad Consequence of Mystic Dreams When The Lords of Existence Restore The Bastard To Life To Become The New Urban Celtic Pagan, Because The Ayatollah Was Right!", but was also known under the titles of "Oooh, My Back!" and "Elfin Digger Cutaway".

The story, such as it was, revolved around the Doctor receiving a series of dirty phone calls from the Planet Freak-Out. Arriving in Straighte City, the Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz find a rubber plant named Wayne has taken over Nillalldraw castle, while the dragons of Westmonster and the DHSS Gremlin are now working for the Bastard, who has inexplicably survived a space/time enema that flushed him out of existence, and maroon him in Insainsbury Swamps!

However, Russell and JHE were devastated to discover that the draft script sent in was actually supposed to be sent to RTD about a potential spin off entitled "The Tylers Fight The Breadhead Conspiracy!" and featured Rose and Mickey enjoying a lovely alfalfa casserole, and impressing Yvonne Hartman with a mighty fine joint, but forced to share it Jackie and Pete who live next door and are trying to impress Harriet Jones with the same joint (since some passing Cybermen had been at the family’s communal stash).

Big Finish were, to say the least, unimpressed.

Pye insisted he had no intention of being 'a total breadhead', unlike the 'sell-out arch conspirator in the military-industrial complex' like the 'whalocidal killers' that ran BBC enterprizes. He just refused to write a proper script without either an overall buyout free granting Big Finish the franchise for a period of eighteen months maximum for all trade and media spots (including online promotion) but excluding basic merchandising articles such as clothing, mugs and videos, for which he would receive or a flat 39% royalty.

Russell struck Pye over the head with a frying pan and told him to get back to work or have large chunks of his femurs violently removed.

Pye responded by offering 29% royalty and the mugs being included in the buy-out rights, or else he might just walk away from the whole deal as by his accounts Big Finish already owed him 1492 pounds and 80 pence simply for agreeing to work for them.

Pye was shoved out of the offices and told in no uncertain terms if there is one thing worse than a stinky, loser hippie, than it is a complete sell out loser hippie like him.

"Hey, man, out west we’ve got an old saying: 'Don’t shit in your own jacuzzi', OK?" Pye sneered, sipping a green daiquiri, brushing down his Ted Lapidus shirt and before taking Nastassia Kinski, Billy Connelly and Pamela Stephenson to the nearest Italian restaurant and causing a nasty scene with the Maitre D'.

Neil Weedon Watkins-Pye Speaks!
"I hate you, Lords of Existence. I hate you because you’re NEGATIVE, HOSTILE and TOTALLY UNHELPFUL. I hope you die, okay? Listen, I don’t NEED training in how to write for Doctor Who. I’m not stupid you know. Why does everyone hate me? Do they think that because of my big success and all that money got on my Lentil Tour and developing a psychokinetic washing machine, that I’m totally out of touch with the real world? Well, I haven’t sold out, I still have something valid to say, I’m not some typical hyped-up media wanker leeching off the kids’ credibility!

My Big Finish storyline was beyond the brain and the totally blown mind, for those subscribers who brim with cosmic elfin awareness. It would totally blow the lid off the Breadhead Conspiracy, one of the heaviest trips you can imagine, linking life’s heaviest bummers – the alien astronauts (Attila the Hun, Henry VIII, Boadicea, Colonel Custer, Margaret Thatcher and ABBA) who came to Planet Earth ten thousand years ago to undermine the peaceful freaks and prehistoric animals who were all living in peace without any power hassles or pollution. Of course, the Breadheads have covered up the true history of Earth so they rule us with impunity – it’s like, too late! Oh, wowww!

I didn’t pay for any words or concepts lifted from Rob Shearman, because the whole concept of ‘copyright’ and ‘permissions’ is totally straight and breadheaded. By the way, my story "Elfin Digger Cutaway" is STRICTLY COPYRIGHTED © Neil, 1984 – so nobody fucking rip off anything, okay?

Hey, just look at the TARDIS, really study it carefully – if possible when you’re totally out of it. Suddenly, you can see the truth! The truth is the TARDIS! The TARDIS is the truth! Truth TARDIS, TARDIS truth... OH GOD, IT’S SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, MAN!!"

With less options than an Ipswich fish and chip shop, Russell turned to Eddie Hitler.

Edward Elizabeth Hitler had written a number of books on film, unfortunately no one could read his crude child like hieroglyphics on Emmerdale, QPR and the works of the Cohen Brothers, or his short story in Doctor Who – Short Trips: 'TARDIS Birds I Want To Do It With'. He had never written a Doctor Who audio drama before. Or any audio drama. Indeed, his first reaction to radio was to complain the tele part wasn’t working properly and kick it to pieces.

Hitler came up with a nifty four-part story entitled Waste of Life, and featured the TARDIS crew discovering a society based entirely on old episodes of Space: 1999, and featured a weird Cthulu-type tentacle monster eat people and sexually assault others.

Russell turned this down on the grounds they had used that plot in the six previous releases.

Hitler then suggested a new story entitled Atlanta, where the Eighth Doctor and his companions encountered a pitched battle between the rival armies of the Rollergirls and the Silverbacks, each seeking to gain control over the state of Georgia.

JHE turned this down as, not only had they used the plot in the six previous releases, it was a pretty pathetic idea to start with.

Desperately, Hitler logged onto OG and decided to tackle the old "wacky juxtaposition of alien monsters in suburban high street" story, but without any interesting alien monsters, just some wacky juxtaposition after he found out stories involving eleventh century monks owning phonograph, alien scientist spaceships being a Victorian’s cellar and Edwardian yachts racing through space had all been done before and much better than in Doctor Who.

Struggling to come up with a similar twist of fantasy and reality, Hitler spent six weeks getting completely pissed out of his skull on Victoria Bitter while watching the World Snooker Championships on TV at his Hammersmith bedsit he shares with Sir Richard Richard Esquire, the one human being possibly more pathetic than he is – an onlooker that remained rather skeptical over whether or not getting drunk and watching bar billiards counted as serious research for a Big Finish audio drama.

Finally, after consuming three gallons of old spice and a bottle of bleach, Hitler collapsed and suffered horrifyingly graphic hallucinations, one of which was an enormously fat astronaut holding two ice creams. He tried to communicate this vision by mime to his flatmate, but unfortunately Richard mistook the sight for a description of Pamela Anderson and so instead of ringing an ambulance for Hitler promptly locked himself in the bathroom for six weeks.

This disturbing image (the astronaut, not Richard Richard in the bathroom) was chosen to be the cover of Baker Street, so Hitler’s starting point to justify its use in the story. His idea was that suburbia is a hellish prison of torment, which was based on his life in Hammersmith for the past twenty five years.

JHE was, to put it likely, extremely pissed off to learn that Hitler had very vaguely outlined a story around the visual image of an astronaut selling ice cream in suburbia. True, Doctor Who often was just a means of stringing a plot out of bad LSD trips, but JHE didn’t want people to actually KNOW that!

Hitler later justified the crap script with "if you want discipline and self-restraint, go play with lego blocks you sad, pathetic wankers! Only fans will buy this shit anyway!"

(He’s right, you know.)

Ultimately, the main flaw in the story is it’s ending, which simply as Charley having sex so much the walls of reality come tumbling down – as the Doctor notes, this is rapidly replacing reversing the polarity of the neutron flow as the Who fan’s dues ex machina of choice.

The eighth Doctor is much more car-obsessed here than in recent releases, and Paul McGann delivers his petrol head material with obvious enjoyment.

India Fisher gets to shag Anneke Wills for some of the play and gives a cute, appealing performance. And though C’Rizz is paired off with Kim (Sara Carver) and left to argue what does and does not consist of "first base" for much of the play, Conrad Westmaas gives an enthusiastic performance of being sexed to the point of collapse.

Like The Crime of Fright-Night before it, Baker Street proved to be a completely unambitious tale totally ripped off other, much better stories, but done with such bollocks-in-the-fridge-door panache somehow makes it incredibly popular to respected reviewers and sheep-like fans.

Impressed not only by Baker Street’s success, but by Hitler’s can-do attitude and the fact he was not Nicholas Briggs, Russell decided to make him the offical script editor for the next few adventures of Paul McGann’s Doctor.

Although up against stiff competition, this has to have been the worst decision about Doctor Who that Gay Russell... or indeed ANYONE... has ever made.

Eddie Hitler Speaks!
"Doctor Who Audio Dramas by Big Finish? Sigh. Where do I even begin? How can I possibly describe in mere words the hatred I have for this atrocious production company? What could truly express the utter contempt I hold the never-ending franchise of elephant dung? The pile of monkey doo-doo I was forced to be a part of?

Working with the Doctor Who guys was, at best, a total fucking annoyance. They were talking constantly, all the time, non-stop! SHUT UP FOR TWO FUCKING SECONDS, PLEASE!! Still, I did manage to have sex seventeen times every hour with India Fisher, the voluptuous bit of tail that made the thing bearable – and isn’t Conrad Westmaas a bit of a poof? I’m not being homophobic, but a bloke who turns up for work – work which involves pretending to be a lizard – dressed as a pink bridesmaid’s dress clutching a bouquet is obviously still buttering his toast on three sides, if you get my drift.

Nicholas Briggs, however, was something else. He kept demanding that, as long as I wrote in a scene where the Doctor regenerates into Nicholas Briggs, he didn’t give a hoot about what else happened. He had no respect at all for the creative process, which is why I called him a wank biscuit and told him to get the fuck out of the way or I’d ram the editing equipment up his rectum. Bet he would have liked that, too, the little shitface. He actually asked me to put my name on his script, called "The Time Cabbages". Boy, let me tell you, what a piece of shit THAT was! 'Makes Season 23 look like friggin’ Shakespeare,' I told him, so I could enjoy seeing the flatulent git in such emotional agony.

I was so relieved when I found out he wasn’t in charge, just some nutter that was the only one who knew how to use the mixing desk and had ideas above his station..."

Season 32 Round-Up -

The fifth season of Paul McGann’s Doctor had true hurdles thrown at it. It wasn’t just the looming shadow of a clearly much more interesting, entertaining and above all visual series on the horizon, like the third and fourth seasons had suffered. By the time Terri’s Firmer was around, Paul McGann had been replaced not once, but twice! What’s more, the Temporal Difference of Opinion backstory, coupled passionately with McGann’s cameos in the new series proved without doubt that the Eighth Doctor was a dead man walking.

It would take something spectacular, something truly monumental to keep audiences interested in the clearly finite adventures of the Eighth Doctor, Charley "I was cool once" Pollard and Cecil "I was never cool" Rizz Esquire.

Tragically, Big Finish provided instead spectacularly, monumentally pointless stories, using submissions from the Divergent Universe/Double the Fist storyline that seemed, at the time, too rubbish to make.

After the dark, dangerous, evil peculiarity of Terri’s Firmer, with it’s at-times line-by-line plagiarism of the new series, all the stories had been up-beat, slightly wacky, un-involving, self-contained yawn fests linked by a steadfast refusal to join the new TV series.

Terri’s Firmer was the impressive opener, providing yet ANOTHER duel with a tyrannical maniac despot, the Last Ever Dear God Please Let Me Never Be Wrong About This The Idiot Must Never Return story for Kaiser "Ranty Goodness" Lavros, the prequel to the ongoing Dustbin Umpire series and finally revealed that the Eighth Doctor had the Olsen Twins as his companions – tragically, the handful of flashbacks show a much more interesting, enjoyable and above all jailbait relationship than the one he endures with Charley and C’Rizz.

Sail Away, with its strange Enya fetish, helped cement C’Rizz into the TARDIS crew, only three years after his first appearance, but this merely magnified the fact that Charley – once the entire purpose of the Big Finish audio line – was now as fascinating and engaging as Dennis Thatcher’s autobiography. With the novel twist of showing a titantic battle between natural order and human chaos with a nasty hair-pulling contest with Enya activating the full-tilt Maximum Evil Reset Button of Death, this audio barely justifies being released, let alone pointlessly spread over two discs.

Then, Other Lies, with its surprising, shocking and strangely satisfying sequences with C’Rizz being seduced by the Duke of Wellington; the Doctor being forced to wear a posing pouch and strut up and down in the freak show; and Charley and her sister having sexy pillow fights wearing only wet T-shirts. Nothing else of real consequence happens, which sums up this season rather well.

On to Clock Works, with its predictable satirical attack on consumerism and capitalism and forced conformity by lethal Clockwork Middle Management, with plenty of 1980s greed, paranoia, and hair styles, which makes it incredibly difficult to review as it simply blurs into memories of much better stories.

In Rubik’s Cube, a traditional blend of Cenobite torture, serial killer slasher horror, and the Eighth Doctor losing his memory with lots and lots and lots of running up and down corridors until four episodes are up and we can all go home and get wasted. Rubik’s Cube is aptly named since it is an irritating waste of time and yet... strangely alluring and addictive. Like meth amphetamines.

And to conclude the season of boring dead-end characters with absolutely no development from start to finish, we have another formulaic ‘TARDIS arrives in screwy world full of idiots and sweet FA happens for three and a half episodes’. Mind you, that describes most of Doctor Who now I come to think of it.

I myself am just glad this season had the common theme of the TARDIS crew dodging the draft against fighting Dustbins – imagine how shithouse these stories would have been without that? Oooh! Horrible!

However, looking back at it, McGann’s fifth season – and Baker Street in particular - was the last moment of tranquil normality before darkness engulfed the Earth for the final end of all things. Fighting and storms spilt the world asunder in the beginnings of Wolf-Time. BAD Wolf-Time!

No sooner had the next BF release ("Canberra", starring the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn) hit the shelves then the Great Serpent rose from the oceans and spewed its venomous fumes across all the land, killing every living thing on Earth.

The Dead Man’s Ship slipped its moorings and, with the evil god Loki at its helm, was carried by a huge wave right to Asgard shattering the Rainbow bridge that connects the home of the gods with Earth, leaving the gods trapped on the battlefield of Vilgrith against the wolfman Fenric, the Great Serpent and Loki plus their army of dead men.

Lord of the gods Odin hid behind the Great Ash Tree to ask the Well of Mimir for some way to save his sorry celestial arse, only to discover the Well has sent him into Coventry after Heimdal the Gatekeeper of the Rainbow Bridge had been using the well as a urinal for the past twenty aeons. Realizing how supremely screwed they are, Odin cried like a baby. Or Stan Laurel. Or Stan Laurel as a baby.

Finally, Heimdal spoiled for a rumble and played "Danny Boy" on the Gailler Horn as Fenric devoured his former pimp, Tyr; Thor smacked the Great Serpent up; before Loki sneaked up behind Heimdal himself and gave him the Wedgie of Ragnarok!

As the battlefield thundered with the sounds of death as the might armies died (often for the second time) Odin and his Warrior Wife Fricka enjoyed one last knee-trembler behind Valhalla and accidentally set off a conveniently-placed stack of M80s.

The whole universe burned, and as the flames began to subside leaving creation as nothing but chaos...


"Tom Baker Street" by Tom Baker and Mankind

*sax solo*

Stumbling your way
Down Tom Baker Street
Nostalgia in your head
Postmodernism on your feet
Well, another crazy day
You’ll drink the night away
And forget about jelly babies.

Cardiff’s weather
Makes you feel so cold
It’s got so many people
But it’s got no soul.
And it’s taken you so long
To find out you were wrong
About "Touchwood" being watchable.

We used to think
There’d be no new series
We used to say
There’d be no new series
But we’re crying
We’re lying now.

Another year and
We’ll get Eccleston.
Just one more year and
Then we’ll regenerate McGann.
But we’re lying
But we’re lying now!

*sax solo*

Way down the street
There’s a light in his place
McGann opens the door
He’s still got that face
And he asks where you have been
You tell him the spoilers you’ve seen
And you talk about Catherine Tate

He has got this dream about
Ditching his companions
He’s gonna get a new girl
For more than one night stands
And then there’s a chance in a million
Temporal Differences of Opinion
Will appear in SOME medium!

But you know Big Finish
Will always keep selling!
You know, it’ll never
Going to stop making
Missing adventures
For at least four Doctors or so...

The next two stories
Get rid of C’Rizz and Charley
The story after
Is really gnarly
New companion
Plus the Dustbins, yeah!

*sax solo*
*guitar solo*
*sax solo*

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