Serial 8O - The Actual Mystery of Beer
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Eighteenth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Michael Moore
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 8O - The Actual Mystery of Beer
Three people are walking into a school hall to sit some exams.
The people in question look and sound like the Doctor, Charley, and C'rizz, but they are about to do something for the common good - deliberately failing the exam to lower to the grade point average in order to make it easier for future generations to pass their exams...
In the ladies toilet of a TV station, the Doctor sits reading "The Completely Incomplete Graham Chapmen" while Charley sits in a cubicle screaming in agony at the result of one of the Doctor's "food experiments" which was "fibre-enriched"... with sandpaper.
C'Rizz enters, desperate to use the facilities as he is nervous at his birthday treat: appearing on the cable TV game show Mind-Bender, an extremely tacky production hosted by Steve Foxx.
C'Rizz ducks into a toilet with a kinky Dutch porn mag to 'study', as he has been for 'some considerable time'. Indeed, it is his specialist subject.
The show begins and Charley and the Doctor take their place in the audience alongside two old ladies, a twitching tramp and four thousand toy penguins.
C'Rizz joins the other contestants: Jackie Downtown-Tokyo III, an English teacher of Japanese migrants, and William Patrick-Jonathon-Thomas, the Fifth Earl of Warrick.
C'Rizz is put out when Steve Foxx skips him completely in the opening intro and he demands to be included.
However, when it becomes apparent that C'Rizz is an unemployable wretch with an obsession for hardcore Dutch erotica, things rapidly go down hill.
Indeed, by the time of the third round William is in the lead with 43 points, Jackie has 33 points and C'Rizz has got minus 208 points.
As the ad break begins, Steve Foxx despairs of the useless morons he's stuck with today, especially "lizard boy", who gets quite violent on this point.
The Doctor and Charley move to intervene but, when reminded by C'Rizz that it's because of this cheating baracuda they will never get the Star Prize African Safari, they join in beating up the quizmaster as well.
With the break nearly over, a calm logical argument allows the Doctor to become the replacement for Steve Foxx. Well, that and some punches.
However, "Flamingo Jones" (as the Doctor calls himself) takes offence at the criticism from the other two contestants and C'Rizz beats them unconscious.
Charley becomes C'Rizz fellow contestant and her sycophantic drooling soon gets her even further ahead of C'Rizz's negative score.
The Doctor decides to give C'Rizz a final chance to win the holiday: how many pints of absinthe did the Time Lord drink the previous night?
C'Rizz thinks this isn't a proper question, but Charley points out only a complete ignoramus would be unable to answer the question. This is when the Doctor reveals the sheer volume of alcohol has wiped his memory of its exact number - he doesn't know what the answer is.
As the Doctor doesn't know the right answer, he cannot know what the wrong answer is and so C'Rizz wins the booby prize by default.
However, C'Rizz perverse joy at this is diminished when he discovers the booby prize is, in fact, a two-month period at the "Gunther Gruber Geschnellkopf Fitness & Health Kamp".
"Oh, shit," C'Rizz cries. "Where are all my gorgeous, ample-breasted, panting sex-crazed bitches?"
"Oh, they'll all be around at our place while you're getting force-fed old prunes and running 50-kilometer obstacle courses in the nude," the Doctor replies mockingly.
Suddenly, TV station security storm the set and the picture turns to static.
Weeks later, the Doctor and Charley are chilling out watching Parliamentary Question Time at their bachelor apartment when there is an ominous knocking on the front door.
Charley, who is high on crack and riddled with paranoia, suggests that it is the TV detector people and that the Doctor should set off the atom bomb and "take as many of the bastards with us as we can!".
The Doctor replies by calmly shoving his foot through the television, rendering its vacuum tube inoperable.
The Doctor heads for the front door to discover C'Rizz - wet, unshaven and furious that the first thing his old pal does upon seeing him is accuse him of smashing the TV which even now lies in pieces on the floor.
C'Rizz explains he has escaped from the health camp which was four whole weeks of sheer, evil torture at the hands of hairy, sweaty, mustachioed Germans with big whips and enormous, smelly muscles...
"And the men were much worse!" he adds, before comparing the whole scenario to being "back at boarding school".
Charley points out that C'Rizz did not attend boarding school and the Doctor has his old school reports to prove it.
But the Eutermisan's excuse that the "Coal Hill School" logo is a one-off-typing error quickly becomes a tirade that at least he went to a PROPER school and not a "special one" like the spastic Doctor and Charley, who were taken out of Coal Hill after they got appallingly drunk and were found making out during assembly in front of the whole school. Charley points out that this was a moment of madness, and C'Rizz reminds her that they did this every day. The Doctor defends himself, saying that he was misunderstood - mainly because he was too drunk to talk half the time.
C'Rizz decides that the last month of hell has transformed him into a newer, tougher lizard and decides to write to Points of View and complain about his treatment at the hands of Mindbender.
He explains this will lead to him becoming a media celebrity and become a tower of attractiveness to women. He thus orders Charley to take a letter voicing his concerns to the BBC:
"Dear Sir or Madman, I've been to a Nazi health camp where butch, hairy women with whips force-fed me prunes and sprouts and made my arse sore from farting. Please go there and beat them up like you usually do and get me on the TV, so I can have tons of huge-breasted amazons to shag.
Yours and stuff, Cecil Rizz Esquire.
P.S.: Just send a few babes round now for me to test out, OK?"
The Doctor doesn't believe C'Rizz plan is worth the paper it's written down on, and points out an obvious flaw: their TV is smashed to bits.
C'Rizz tells Charley to post the letter and the Doctor to 'acquire' a new television set.
The Doctor does so, with the aid of a note to the shop owner claiming that the Doctor is in fact a lucky winner of the best TV in the shop.
C'Rizz points out that this doesn't make sense, but nevertheless it works and soon they are watching the latest episode of Points of View - which totally ignores C'Rizz letter.
In a rage, the Eutermisan kicks the shit out of their new TV and bemoans the cruelty of fate - before twigging that Charley never actually got round to posting the letter.
Suddenly, there is a knock at the front door, and the Doctor speculates it might be the camera crew arrived to do the interview.
It is, in fact, five huge, hairy, mustachioed German lesbians with swastikas delicately tattooed on their foreheads - guards from the Gunther Gruber Geschnellkopf Fitness & Health Kamp who have come to collect C'Rizz for the rest of his 'vacation' and they do so in a quite unnecessarily painful and violent way.
As they drag him out, the Doctor reveals that he set up C'Rizz to be sent to the health camp in the first place and lizard boy screams he will have his revenge.
Two years later, the Doctor is enjoying a slice of pizza on his own when the door is kicked in by a bizarre cowled figure calling itself Injiltiprahura, disciple of the all-knowing one who has come to make the infidel pay for its insults - or rather, C'Rizz is back and he's is a meaaaaan mood.
The Doctor backs away in horror as C'Rizz leaps through the air at him, feet-first...
This stunning Bruce-Lee-style attack ends when the Doctor ducks and C'Rizz smashes through a window, breaking every bone in his body.
After months of painful rehabilitative surgery, C'Rizz falls in love with Ruth, his physiotherapist, until the Doctor spots her in the street and shouts that C'Rizz's herpes have just been confirmed by two separate specialists.
Later, at Guy Fawkes' Night, Charley tries to mediate between the pair, but only ends up with C'Rizz threatening to beat in the Doctor's skull with a chair leg.
The doorbell rings and Charley goes to answer it, leaving the others to fight to the death. At the door is Foxx, their wacky neighbor, dressed as a ghost - or, rather, is utterly drunk and wearing a sheet, believing it to be Halloween.
The duo return to the living room to find the Doctor watching TV and C'Rizz lying in a pool of his own blood. The Doctor explains C'Rizz attempted to "attack a table leg with his face and lost".
The concussed companion C'Rizz regains consciousness under the misapprehension he is in hell - but quickly learns the truth: the Doctor, Charley and Steve Foxx have been invited to an exclusive fancy dress party without him.
In order to shut him up, they agree, and C'Rizz decides to cancel a non-existent prior engagement to go with them.
However, the only real "do" is happening at the local park - which C'Rizz was banned from after he poured petrol into the pond and threw in a lit match.
C'Rizz protests that no sensible person would call such a jesting, schoolboyish prank as setting fire to ducks a banning offence, however the judge did, mainly due to expert testimony from the Doctor.
Since their daggy friend is stuck at home, the others prepare to leave. C'Rizz suggests that he pretend to be a Guy Fawkes and get wheeled around in a stolen shopping trolley collecting charity money.
The others agree to go along with this plan - but it appears this just a ploy to put C'Rizz in said shopping trolley and throw it down the stairs.
The next day, the police spot the suspicious sight of a Eutermisan inserted half way through a wall and investigate.
The Doctor and Charley blame Steve Foxx for this misdemeanor, and escape while the coppers beat the living shit out of him.
At the hospital, C'Rizz's concussion is not being helped by the nurses, who react to his continual demands for bedbaths by twatting him in the head with kidney dishes. C'Rizz continues in the hope that at least ONE of the nurses will have seen The Singing Detective.
His reaction to his flatmates isn't enthusiastic.
"You've have a nasty knock on the head, C'Rizz. And I'm not talking about the self-inflicted ones. Don't worry, I'm not offended. It's hardly surprising that you're not remembering things straight, is it?"
"I remember EVERYTHING," C'Rizz replies coldly.
"Go on then," Charley prompts
"You don't believe me, eh? Well, you, the Doctor and that other little idiot were off to a fancy dress ball on Guy Fawkes Night and you didn't want me to come along. So, instead of saying, "C'Rizz, we'd like to go on our own since you are so obviously our superior and lave lots of other parties to go to," you attempt to kill me! Charming attitude you've got there, Charlotte, I must say. Charming!"
"Oh, come on, C'Rizz - forgive and forget. It was ages ago."
"It was yesterday!"
"No, it wasn't."
"It's nearly two years since you went into a coma," lied the Doctor ponderously.
"Oh," said C'Rizz quietly, voice turning to ice. "Oh Christ. I’ve missed so much... That Teletubby marathon. That cartoon series of Buffy. Shit! I never got to vote Howard out of office! I bet Hilary Duff is probably married by now, the slut! Doctor, did I get anything from her in the mail? No? Typical. How hard can it be for that atonal noise polluter to pop a pair of used underwear into a self-addressed envelope, huh? Huh?"
Shocked beyond measure, the dazed C'Rizz quickly comes to the conclusion that the nurses have been gang-raping him during his coma.
As Charley says, that's either very good karma or very bad, but she's not sure which.
Meanwhile, the surgeons find C'Rizz's clipboard which the Doctor has altered so their companion is given a wide course of anti-insanity drugs, fifteen enemas and a blood transfusion.
The Doctor is boasting his own cleverness when he trips and ends up face-first in a bucket of C'Rizz's bubbling bodily fluids...
Tempers are getting frayed in the apartment.
Amidst the traded insults, the Doctor announces he is inviting his long time friend and mentor, "Meathook" Foxx around, explaining he is a prison worker who has left the place after ten years.
C'Rizz confides in Charley his suspicions that "Meathook" is, in fact, a hired assassin to kill him and Charley cannot fault his logic.
C'Rizz decides to get his own back and orders a passing school kid to contact Uulungid Caloovin, the Mad Pirate King, and sent his main goon, Napalm Nick McShane The Hydrogen Bomb Chainsaw Maniac of Olde London Town, to beat up the Doctor with his extra-large cattle stunner.
Charley comments that such stealth and subtlety is what makes her companion so endearing.
C'Rizz then collects a shotgun and tries to kill "Meathook" but inexplicably blows up the TV instead. Taking a dim view on televisionocide and murder attempts in general, "Meathook" is about to break the Eutermisan's neck when he loses control of his bodily functions, which puts a real dampener on the proceedings.
C'Rizz tries to talk his way out of it, but makes a fatal mistake - he believed that "Meathook" was a warden - he was actually a prisoner!
Sickened, "Meathook" throws C'Rizz onto the railway line and heads off home.
Later, the Doctor and Charley drag C'Rizz's mutilated body back to the apartment, where the Time Lord reproached C'Rizz for assuming he'd hire an assassin.
Like he'd want someone ELSE to have the fun for killing C'Rizz!
Charley goes to answer the door, and gets smashed into the floor by Nick McShane's cattle stunner.