Wednesday, December 2, 2009

8th Doctor - Scherzo (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Waits For Godot
The Shearman Master Plan: Phase 2
Charley Pollard And The Sound of Two Hands Clapping (Canada Only)

Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed a multiple personality disorder in this story.

When the Doctor tries to save the TARDIS by reversing the neutron flow's polarity, Charley suggests he "increase the vealtiaj". The Doctor giggles insanely and uses the pronunciation countless times afterwards while Charley swears under her breath

Goofs –
Despite all reason, this was scripted, paid for and everyone seemed to think it would go down well.

Although it's made quite clear they have no control over the stolen shuttlecraft, Charley is able to reprogram its automatic pilot without breaking sweat. Lucky slut.

Fashion Victims –
The Doctor's faithful velvet coat suffers disgusting damage in this story

Technobabble -
Doctor: I shall incwease the vealtiaj to myaxmimyum - SYIX HYUNDRED YAND HIFTY!!!

Links and References -
In the final episode, REG warns the Doctor to keep an eye out for any giant insects, sluggy foes, 1984-style hellholes or a She Devil in a basement being ruled over by a Blake's 7 character. Which did sort of spoil the surprises in the following stories The Credo of the Moron, The Actual Mystery of Beer and The Twice-A-Night Kingdom.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor and his companions attend a Christmas Supper outside continuity. The Doctor plans to show off some photos of Hex, Nyssa and Turlough in an extra-marital affair at a crucial point for the next Christmas Supper which will "get 'em all good".

Groovy DVD Extras -
A special extended sequence for REG - and a warning that not all televisions are built to stand more than sixty-five seconds of his... 'acting'.

Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: I was in court once.
Charley: Yeah, I can guess what for, you filthy little pervert! You should be hanged!
Doctor: No, I was a witness.
Charley: You despicable bastard, Doctor! Imagine, grassing on your fellow man!
Doctor: The judge thought it was very public spirited of me...
Charely: I hope you're ashamed of yourself.
Doctor: ...when I saw some idiot filling the pond with petrol and throwing in a lit match.

Doctor: C'mon yah huge, swarthing beast! I'll make an example of ya for all yer loser, mutant mates! Ya hear that, ya freak of super-nature??! I'm about to do a bit of land development on your noggin, but first, I have to clear away some unnecessary extrusions - LIKE YOUR FRONTAL LOBE AREA! Ha-hahhahahaaaaa!!!

Charley: Doctor? Can you hear me? Come in, tango! Tango, this is Alpha Force! Go Alpha Force! Delta Omega two, standby...
Doctor: Charley?
Charley: Go, Doctor 8, over!
Doctor: Oh, no, not you here too. Talk about overkill. Only I would be unlucky enough to get a stalker in the afterlife.
Charley: Roger, Doctor 2! Stand by for further communication on this channel! The next voice you will be hearing will be none other than myself from the central location of...
Doctor: ARGH! I don't deserve this!
Charley: Doctor?
Doctor: What?
Charley: Can you confirm that, Bingo 12?
Doctor: I give up.

Charley: Doctor! Get down behind the console with me...
Doctor: Not now, Charley, I've got a headache.

R.E.G.: I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame the earth seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy the air, look you, this mighty o'rehanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire; why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, how like an angel in apprehension, how like a GOD, I NEED A DRINK!

Doctor: I doubt anyone at the philharmonic would release our footsteps on CD.
Charley: What about Big Finish?
Doctor: Yeah, those wankers would, I suppose...

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: We're not dead!
Charley: Terrific!
Doctor: At least not yet. We should keep our options open.
Charley: What about our legs? Should we keep THEM open, too?
Doctor: Damn it, Charley, didn't you learn from last time?!?

REG: I must say I do find my continued virginity very frustrating.
Doctor: I find your continued existence very frustrating.

Charley: I am all you have in the world. We are all each other has.
Doctor: [breaks down in sobs] Oh, God, please, no...

The heart-breaking final scene -
R.E.G.: The beauty of the world, paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dusk. Man delights not me, no, nor women neither, nor women neither... Sigh... Christ, I'm horny.

UnQuotable Quote -

Doctor: I think he takes after you, dear.

Viewer Quotes -

"Once upon a time, in a land not too dissimilar to ours, there was a double CD adventure from Big Finish. And it was very expensive, so for all my great sanity, I decided to spend fifty bucks of my hard-earned cash on this, this... ARSE!! And I was not pleased! Not pleased at all! Each episode starts with the Doctor reading a fairy tale about kings and kingdoms and music. I wonder why it's there. Then I twigged - THERE IS NO REASON! IT'S JUST ARSE!!! What is it? Oh, yes. I remember. ARSE!!! Schizo comes in a shorter length than virtually all Big Finish stories. AND I STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS... ARSE! THAT'S WHAT IT IS, AND THAT'S WHAT I'M CALLING IT! ARSE!! DO YOU HEAR ME?? *ARSE*!!!"
- Gabriel the Cherub (2003)

"I wouldn't like all Doctor Who to be like this, it's just not brilliant destruction." - Toyko Reconstructionist Monthly (2003)

"Paul McGann and India Fisher have formed possibly the closest companionship ever seen between Doctor and companion. The last twelve stories have seen a gradual building of this friendship. What results is a relationship that Doctor Who has never ever seen in its intensity. It's interesting to speculate whether this is the result of a master plan by Big Finish, or more likely, a result of the mixed drinks the 2 actors have together. Fact - Paul McGann and India Fisher work brilliantly together and I just wish I could get in between them for a bit of a vegemite sandwich, if you get my drift. Hahah."
- Nigel Verkoff (2004)

"Richard E Grant? You call THAT a hideous alien downtown destroyer?? What about Mothra? Gamera? Baragon? King-Kong, even?!? Heck, I could have done a better job! This is ARSE!!" - Godzilla (2345)

"It was about halfway through Schizo that I started to think about to moments in the series when the Doctor spied on the naughtiness of his companions. There's Susan and Romana II of course, and little Jo and perhaps even Ace in some twisted way. It shocked me to realize that I had never considered what Hex, Nyssa and Turlough got up to. Now I consider it all the time. I have devoted several fanzines to the topic. I think I'll just pop outside for a good hard think on this... horny topic. Bye." - Nigel Verkoff (later the same day)

"Schizo reminds me of the Peter Davison era in all the wrong ways. I mean, it doesn't have Peter Davison in it, or regular appearances of the Bastard, Tegan, Kamelion or the Ergon. And it was made twenty years afterwards. Actually it sort of reminds me of the Paul McGann era in all the right ways. Yeah, Schizo is exactly the sort of adventure the eighth Doctor would have. A bit like that other adventure he had, Schizo." - The Stater of Extremely Obvious Things At Whovention 2004

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I can totally relate to this episode. I too have large chunks of my life completely missing and filled in only by dodgy exposition. Like that time Wincing Tom Quiggly bet me I couldn't juggle seven meat-cleavers and a live kitten all in one ago. I remember the starting whistle, the next thing you know it's 20 years later and I'm tied to a trolley in a mental institution, covered in blood, being fondled by three Mormons... Marvelous."

Paul McGann Speaks!
"Once upon a time, in a land not too dissimilar to ours, there lived an actor. And he was a good actor, in an age where such people were an unfashionable rarity. His work was lauded, and people who mattered marked him down for great things. Believing it would do no harm, he allowed himself to bypass his talents and appeared in a failed revival on an old British science fiction series. As soon as he did this, he realized he was trapped. He was forced to mimic one performance he'd bullshitted while high on cheap Andromedan cocaine, and, before he realized it, the actor was trapped in the rapture of an audience that made Man United supporters seem sane and composed in comparison. Eventually, the actor decided to stuff it all and just read out the lines, knowing his mere presence was enough to secure a standing ovation. Then Richard E Grant turned up, and, for form's sake, the actor struggled to act yet again..."
"Okaaaaaaaaay, Paul. I think you may've had enough to drink for tonight."
"Oh, what would YOU know, you thick-headed, miniature swamp reptile??"

India Fisher Speaks!
"Love. It hurts, it makes you smile, it brings tears to your eyes, it gives you moments of intense, intoxicating pleasure. Love is all around us, inside us, enslaving us. You cannot predict when love will strike or when it will lose its grip. But love, above all things, is why we exist. Failing that, of course, a quick shag will do me."

Richard E Grant Speaks!
"What? Doctor Who? What's that? Paul McGann? Never heard of him. Piss off and get a life!"

Trivia -
This story proves "I Scream Boom-Shaka-Laka" was total crap. Without a doubt.

Rumors & Facts -
In it's own way, Schizo is just as radical and deranged as Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, only much shorter and with slightly more of a point to it.

I can recall nothing remotely like it in any Doctor Who, but then, my memory is not what it used to be. Have I already said that? Oh.

Does Schizo work? Is it a bold experiment that really came off? Do we care? I'm not quite sure I can endorse the thing whole-heartedly, but I have to commend Big Finish for trying something different and getting that fuckwit Gay Russell's hands off Doctor Who for all of five minutes.

With the revelation that Doctor Who would be returning to terrestrial television, half of Big Finish resigned and used their severance pay to buy huge bags of dorritoes to eat while they watched the new series.

The idea of making a new series in a dimension beyond all that of human comprehension appealed to Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery, who realized that they could show any old crap they wanted as no one in this universe could prove them wrong.

Russell decided that the first two stories would be exhaustingly traditional before becoming so avant garde reviewers would suffer epileptic fits simply trying to note the story titles. JHE wanted exactly the same thing, only in a different order.

Jacqueline Raynor was the one who came up with the master stroke of alternating them so that Season 30 would become a 1936 roller coaster - rusty, dangerous and illegal in three counties.

When asked during an interview to cite the one script that made them piss themselves laughing at the sheer lunacy inherent in believing this crap was suitable for actors to record, both Paul McGann and India Fisher had no hesitation in saying that it was The Crime of Fright-Night "by" Robert Shearman.

Indeed, in 2003 sufferers of Doctor Who Magazine not only voted The Crime of Fright-Night as the most plagiaristic script they'd ever had the misfortune to come across, but Shearman actually took poll position as the most overrated human being ever.

Therefore, sickened by the fact McGann and Fisher seemed to have lives outside the office, Russell decided to make sure their lives INSIDE it would be sheer, unadulterated, guilt-ridden hell. JHE commented that this wasn't aiming too high.

Shearman was still recovering from the nervous breakdown he had suffered when the Big Finish team blackmailed him into writing every single script for Season 29 and then changed their minds at the last minute.

Indeed, it was during this period of mental instability Shearman penned the Doctor Who Unsoiled play Headline about an insane man forced to write Juliet Bravo script after Juliet Bravo script for the evil Small Whimper Productions and also featured the vengeance of an evil entity that lived in photographs.

Although utter shit of the first order, it is undoubtedly the most original material Shearman ever presented.

It was during the commissioning of a four-part story for the new season that, in a fit of pique, Russell decided to hand over executive control of all Big Finish to Greg the cleaner.

Greg immediately decided, from his hour-long association with the televisual phenomenon that is Doctor Who, that was really needed was a hideous monster destroying downtown Tokyo in a rabid lust for alcohol.

He also believed that, rather than ruin the whole story through bad special effects, they should limit the carnage and destruction to be shown off-screen and only really involve the monster at the cliffhanger to part two and in episode four.

In order to make up for the lack of it, Greg also suggested they focus on the Doctor and Charley getting lost in a maze and reminiscing about various court cases they were involved in throughout their relationship.

He also refused point blank Shearman's suggestion that the story be set in a futuristic time capsule powered by the angry spirits of dead animals, believing it was a bit "American".

Furious that his reportoire of Sapphire & Steel scripts had been rendered useless, Shearman immediately delved into his files, ran it through Find and Replace and handed it over before marrying his life-long sweetheart, the plum pudding, and leaving for Bermuda.

The story, entitled simply "Get Stuffed, Big Finish" was set in a deserted motorway station where the Doctor and Charley discover that the carnage of the evil Wankersaurus Rex has allowed a breech in time to allow Transient Beings to capture the time travelers and conquer the sixth dimension.

Greg promptly helicoptered over Shearman's seaside resort and kidnapped him in the middle of his honeymoon, shooting the pudding at point blank range with an Uzi submachine gun.

The script was to be written from scratch and, as a compromise to make things easier, Shearman was ordered that it only feature the Doctor, Charley and the Wankersaurus Rex (or REX as it was now known). Shearman was also allowed to contrast the story with its immediate predecessor, Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, by writing something even vaguely viewable.

At this point, Shearman's sanity snapped and began to hurl insults at himself and then take note of his own activities secretly, typing it up when he wasn't looking, denying everything and accusing himself of being paranoid to his own face.

It was at this point the story was renamed from "Assignment 712" to "Schizophrenia", and the idea of introducing C'Rizz in the final episode was dropped as an excuse of getting Conrad Westmaas the hell out of the room.

Schizo had "different" written all over it in strange, childlike handwriting; a further symptom of Shearman's ever-increasing insanity and resentment.

Monologues to proceed every episode were written for absolutely no reason at all, and a detailed outline was given for the fairy tale: In ancient times, God created the world, its people, and legions of flying typewriters to feast on tapioca pudding. God then realizes he is going round the twist and demands the universe stop getting him hack jobs during 2003. God creates man, and man tells God to get back to work and make sure there's a totally gratuitous reference to Romp With the Rani on page 7 or else. Then God eats man AND the typewriter and begins to go cross-eyed until a big purple monster appears before him and he drops dead in a cloud of pathos.

Greg decided to try and compose links with Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass and Schizo by resolving the tangled paradoxical web of sadism and cynicism that was Richard E Grant's performance as the Doctor in I Scream 'Boom Shaka-Laka'!

Have managed to create an origin story for the blood-drained, hung-over Time Lord, Russell suggested it would be flying in the face of Doctor Who's established tradition of ruining decent ideas before they have a chance to show potential.

He also suggested that they should make the Doctor and Charley cold and distant, and found this could be easily achieved by stopping one or the other giving in to sexual depravity.

Greg at this point, threw scalding coffee into Russell's face, called him a fascist and ordered him not to interfere in the creative process.

When the whole BFP crew burst into simultaneous applause, Russell fouled himself and hid in the corner.

However, before Greg could pistol-whip Shearman into writing a resolution for the cliffhanger where REG eats his parents, there was a mysterious power failure and when the lights returned, Greg the cleaner had vanished from the face of the earth.

Shearman, twitching dangerously and singing "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim, was deemed too unstable to use by the BFP and so was handed over to Russell T Davies with their compliments.

Gay Russell took on the burden of padding out the underwritten, over-thought script with long sequences involving the TARDIS manual, games of I Spy and some of the naughtier things the companions got up to (however the "And another thing, I've seen Adric bumming sheep" sequence was deleted when Russell realized there was a taste threshold even to his work).

Since both McGann and Fisher were mentally exhausted after having to participate in this... 'script', Russell decided to force them to make a completely new adventure.

Just for a laugh.

This explains the dazed expressions and sullen delivery in the one-episode story, Vogon Cutaway.

No comments: