Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who And Friends Go A Bit Loopy
A is for Assassins, B is for Bastards, C is for C'Rizz
Mind-Bender Finalists: The Weirdo years
Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed slightly Hawaiian in this story.
"One's name is now Injilti... Injiltaprje... Jiltpra... Look, I'm here to convert heathens and chew bubble gum and I just ran out of bubble gum!!?"
Forgive me but am I the only one who noticed this ISN'T FUCKING DOCTOR WHO?!?? ...well, obviously, I am.
So, pointing a gun barrel into someone's face and pulling the trigger is perfectly safe as long as the telescopic sights are mis-aligned??
The final episode is set on a Saturday, so why was that girl going to school? Her "If I don't get there before the end of lunch today, the deputy said he'd make me squeal like a pig during assembly!" explanation is either a lie... or, worse... the truth!
How come the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz are able to watch proper Doctor Who on their TV but we aren't? Charley claims that watching Doctor Who is much more interesting than her current life!
It is unlikely but not impossible that both C'Rizz and Charley have been banned from the same park on the same offence by the same 'retarded park keeper'.
Fashion Victims –
C'Rizz's neon pink I AM WHAT WOMEN WANT T-shirt.
"There's always fish inside a TV, C'Rizz. Fixing the damage from the bullets was easy, but it scared that guppy into the horizontal hold and it got stuck there."
Links and References –
Each episode begins with the characters watching episodes of Doctor Who, before being interrupted by plot details: Nowhere-Land Part 4, Vogon Cutaway Scene 24, Creed of the Moron Part 1 and Schizo Part 1.
Untelevised Misadventures -
C'Rizz mentions that the one thing their time with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was always to wear gloves when dealing with gigantic mutated pot plants. Charley points out this is not exactly a useful skill in their current predicament, but C'Rizz keeps bringing it up.
Groovy DVD Extras -
A choose-your-view selection on the scene where C'Rizz is forcefully given an enema.
Dialogue Disasters -
Foxx: Pornography is such an unpredictable process.
Charley: What are you, a man or a munchkin? I mean what would a real man do in this situation? What would James Bond do?
C'Rizz: How should I know? Order a Vodka Martini and shag the nearest good-looking chick. I mean, that idea has its appeal, but we don't have any of those around. Too bad.
Doctor: My job is to act on what is currently canonical.
Charley: How do you feel after your enema?
C'Rizz: Feckin... awful... How'd'ja think... I'd... feel?
Charley: It doesn't count, you know.
C'Rizz: What doesn't?
Charley: You're still a virgin.
C'Rizz: Right, shush, you too and listen! All I need to do is write to the BBC and tell them about my nightmare experience with evil Kraut Kamp and – bang!
Doctor: [confused] He shoots you?
C'Rizz: No, "Bang! I'm a media celebrity". And you know what the means, don't you? No, of course you don't. God, I expect too much from you two, don't I? Can you at least nod your head so that it appears, to an alien being watching us, that you actually sentient?
(The Doctor and Charley start nodding their heads.)
C'Rizz: Good. Right. Where was I? You can stop nodding you heads, guys.
Guys? For god's sake, guys, I...!
(C'Rizz goes ape)
Dialogue Triumphs -
"And now, on BBC1, a new series: Fergie And Di - Undercover Call-Girl Duchesses. The BBC would wish to warn viewers of an erotic nature, to relax and enjoy the graphic scenes of violence, torture and Satanism."
Foxx on C'Rizz:
"Someone has let the wanker out of his cage."
C'Rizz: A citizen does not use questions. A citizen does not enjoy freedom. Only the deviant use questions. Only the perverse crave freedom...
Charley: Hey, are you implying something, lizard boy?
C'Rizz: YOU have enjoyed freedom.
Charley: Once. But I didn't inhale!
Doctor: Hmm. So, let me get this straight. We've MISSED Halloween?
Charley: No, we didn't. We dropped around your place and got wasted, remember? C'Rizz got randy and tied himself up in leather restraints, so Romana decided to try to chop his head off under the pretence it was a bondage game, remember?
Doctor: Oh, yes, I remember that.
Foxx: I don't. I don't remember ANY of that!
Doctor: Steve, you don't even remember your wife's name!
Foxx: I'm married?!!?
C'Rizz: Right, my plan, yes, the plan of the century... Now, what I'll do is write to good old Auntie Beeb, tell her what horrid things happened to me and I'll become a TV star, appear on tons of talk shows and stuff. I mean, look at that David Hicks guy - what did he do to get on TV? Hung around terrorists until he got arrested. Pah! A rank amateur!
Charley: Yeah. And he had a beard.
C'Rizz: That's right! He had a big beard! Never trust ANYBODY with a beard, that's that I say... Oh! And when I've become a star and written my best-selling autobiography, there'll be million of girls wanting to shag me to death, won't there?!?
Doctor: I think that's just a wee bit too hopeful, C'Rizz.
C'Rizz: All right, then. I'll scrap the book.
C'Rizz: You... scum. You... set me up... ya arsehole... According to the surgeon... they hadn't put me down for any enemas... There's only... one bastard here... who coulda done that...
Doctor: Well, it was just a joke!
C'Rizz: You're a real... party animal, aren't you? Give... all your friends... enemas and have... a good giggle... makes you Mister... fucking Popularity... I'll be bound...
UnQuotable Quote -
Doctor: What shall I do now? I know - drive myself into another dimension by causing an aneurysm in my brain! Coooooool!
Viewer Quotes -
"A somewhat unique story, quite absorbing, very well-crafted, and written with skill and panache. But if I want one of those, I'll watch The West Wing or The Exorcist. I watch Doctor Who for one reason and one reason alone: seeing Charley's tits. So how come we were not allowed to zoom in on the shower? This is just screwed up! Who gives a shit about this altered dimension crap - four weeks without seeing Charley's nipples! How can the production team sleep at night?"
- Nigel Verkoff, email@example.com (2004)
"The mindless proles are continually doped into submission by constant reruns of the Doctor's adventures, killing all originality, humor and thought. If there's a subtext to this, I'm buggered if I can find it."
- Jeff Mud (2003)
"Its nature means that it never plays the same on a second viewing, because we KNOW absolutely everything that's going to happen. Why do people watch things again? Are their memories crap or something? I mean, you must have seen all those Doctor Who videos? Why keep them? You know what happens? Give them to me and I'll put them to a good purpose!"
- the lying, no-good son of a bitch pretending to be a mormon in order to steal my Doctor Who collection and sell it at a profit (2003) I'll get you one day! You can't escape! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!!
"If scratching your head for two hours is your idea of a good time, The Natural History of Beer is the thing for you. But it's hugely derivative of previous (and superior) situation comedies."
- Adrian Edmonsen (2005)
"The story made no sense, was pointless as a whole and had no place in Doctor Who canon. The acting was appalling, the special effects made my pine for the wonders of The Pleas of Fairness and direction implied that the editors were dead from heroine overdoses. The best Eighth Doctor audio adventure by some way thus far, all the same."
- The Eye of Horus (2007)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"'It is a criminal offence to copy or attempt to copy any personality or memory-related article shown or displayed in this public theatre, including this warning. Punishment or conviction is an unlimited reduction of authorized overtime hours and total personality revision. You are not permitted to bring any jukebox or recording equipment into this public theatre. This will be treated as an attempt to breach copyright. Any person doing so can be ejected and the Editor may confiscate such articles.' Yeah, my uncle used to tell me that story every night during bath time until he got arrested by the Local Conscience."
Paul McGann Speaks!
"The Actual Mystery of Beer was the best script I've read. Not a Doctor Who script, but just as a script. Apart from having to reply to "Doctor", I was free once again. I got to play a goggle-eyed alcoholic tongue-twister who commits GBH on Conrad Westmaas' character at the slightest inclination. No 57 Chevy of Rassilon, not Dustbins, no REG. Just me, India and some flesh wounds to inflict. I remember that wonderful time where I beat him over the head with a child's spinning top. We had to retake that scene seventeen times. I put my all in each time. That whole bit where C'Rizz shaves his head and starts talking gibberish wasn't scripted, it was all down to concussion. I think India and myself adapted brilliantly. No, there was only one problem I had with this story, and that was the fact that it ended with episode four. Tragic."
India Fisher Speaks!
"I had a great laugh imagining all the sad Who fans and their heads imploding trying to work out the plot to this one. I had the script and stage directions, and I had no idea. It was just a continual excuse to beat the shit out of Conrad. Of course, if we'd done the OTHER stories before this one, Paul and I would have made the most out of these scenes. The bastard would never have walked again if we got a chance to remount that bit in episode four. I really was impressed when I managed to trick Conrad into drinking a pint of salt water. He thought it was for some trailer wild track, but it was just me making it up. Yech. Then I made him clean ALL of it up. So there."
Conrad Westmaas Speaks!
"We didn't record this season in order - if, indeed, there IS an order - so this was the first one I recorded as the new companion. Uh... I can't really say much more than that, um, as C'Rizz doesn't technically exist in The Actual Mystery of Beer. I was actually playing a 18-year-old virgin with bad breath in this story, which was lucky because that sort of role really plays to my strengths. Paul McGann has taught me loads. Especially telling me to shut up while he and India make out in the green room. Neither me nor my earlobe is going to forget that lesson in a hurry."
Colin Baker frozen in carbonite can clearly be seen propping up a poster of Judge Dredd
Rumors & Facts -
I was completely baffled by this story when I first saw it. I didn't understand the thing and was fairly certain I was watching a light-entertainment sitcom set in a students' flat. Indeed, it was only the continual violence meeted out to C'Rizz that in any way connected the show to Doctor Who I know and annotate.
So, I watched it again. And although the plot moved quicker and smoother this time round, I still had no idea what the hell it was FOR.
So, I checked it out for a third time, it was even more rewarding, and I marveled at the structure and the production, producing a level of comment unheard of between fans, as I admire the way it made me think.
On a fourth viewing, I decided it was completely baffling crap and switched over to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
The Actual Mystery of Beer was borne out of a conversation between producer Gay Russell and grease monkey Jim Mortimore, when the latter asked what kind of stories Big Finish were after for the first Eighth Doctor/new universe season and then showed Russell his notes for a Samuel Beckett-inspired play of two stoned wasters contemplating the absurdity of existence and then robbing the local branch of KFC.
After a couple of weeks of long, hard discussion and rigorous debate, the story was commissioned as the final story of Season 30.
Since it was unlikely that ANYONE would be paying attention by that end, Mortimore could include whatever he damn well pleased. It wasn't like anyone was going to be interested enough to complain.
Most of the inspiration for The Actual Mystery of Beer came from Mortimore's life of acid, speed, electro-stimulation and really, really, really, really sordid sex. Real life does nothing for him, apparently.
In fact, his script was commissioned in 2000 but it took three years to write 90 minutes of material because he was far too interested in India Fisher's boasts she could have two sorts of orgasm simultaneously and promptly tried to beat her record.
He was thus rendered barely able to speak or even think for days at a time, but did provide Big Finish with a worryingly-realistic Bonnie Langford impression from India Fisher, which replaced the theme music at the conclusion of part one.
Thus, with only a cut and paste of "Alex Sorne" with "Doctor Who" and "Josephine March" with "Charley Pollard", the script was recorded quite rapidly.
Indeed, in editing it was remembered that a third regular character had been included. After scanning the actions of Norman Yanker, an arrogant, self-obsessed, un-charismatic retard, it was decided to dub the name "C'Rizz" over the top of the finished product.
Surprisingly, this story contributes a hell of a lot to the character of C'Rizz - and provides more characterization here than any other story in which he appears, and especially those in which he does not.
Ultimately, one has to wonder, just what the hell was going on in this story? Why have the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz taken up residence in a studio flat? How come Steve Foxx assumes the role of three different characters but all are addressed as "Foxx" and look identical? What happened to the whole Double the Fist plotline?
The only clue is involved in a sequence in episode three which excised under the editorship of Greg the cleaner.
I have decided to type out whatever wild, spurious crap comes to mind and, what do you know - it makes total sense of the story and also gives a vague justification for the title:
Excerpt from "Doctor Who Gets Abso-Fucking-Lutely Sloshed" Episode 3:
(Setting: a corner pub, the Slug & Sandwich late on a Friday afternoon. There aren't many people around, so we soon find C'Rizz and the Doctor sitting at a small round table drinking beer. Soft jazz plays in the background. They are in varying stages of inebriation, continuing a conversation already in progress.)
Doctor: I got a theory, though. You wanna hear it?
C'Rizz: (Laughs drunkenly) Yo...
Doctor: (Laughs) This is an experiment. Somebody's messin' with my mind. Tryin' to see which way I'll move next.
C'Rizz: Sort of like a... 'rat in a maze' kind of thing, huh?
Doctor: That's right. I am some alien's personal science project.
C'Rizz: I so know how you feel. You know; life's a bitch and so was that dominatrix with the man boobs! Let's get another drink.
Doctor: I got a plan, though... cause they're testin' for reactions to the freak show?
C'Rizz: Uh huh.
Doctor: I'm not gonna react! (Triumphantly) Let em deal with that!
(Charley looms over them, as menacing as its possible to be.)
Charley: (Coldly) C'Rizz... Have you been using my computer?
C'Rizz: That's a very... interesting... philosophical question.
Charley: (Angry) Answer the damn question, C'Rizz! Have you or have you not been logging onto 'Insecurities.Com' as ME and running up over three thousand messages under MY NAME?!
(C'Rizz peers at her, and then mouths the question. He moves his head from side to side as though trying to remember.)
C'Rizz: Maybe. What's your name, anyway?
Charley: What? You've forgotten?
C'Rizz: No. Must check, though. May have put someone else's name in there. So, uh, why do you want to know?
Charley: Because you are using my stuff without permission.
C'Rizz: Uh... What's the question again?
(He finally slides off his stool and falls to the ground. The Doctor laughs at him before falling off his stool as well. Charley picks the Doctor up and the latter stares at her.)
Doctor: Hey, you don't fit the pattern! You got not Halloween costume - got no assumed name - you're not playing a role... You're the sick bastard behind all this!
Charley: (Confused) What?
Doctor: Well, fine! Either let me out or watch me go mad!
C'Rizz: Dude, we've been doing that for years.
Doctor: (Paranoid) You're not real! Either that or you're part of the plot! For the love of Led Zeppelin!
(He swings and tries to punch Charley. He misses and falls onto the ground, groaning. C'Rizz manages to rise enough to fall down and use the Doctor as a couch. He peers up at Charley.)
C'Rizz: Uh, why were you looking up Insecurities.com anyway?
(Charley is about to answer when she suddenly looks embarrassed and runs out, wailing like a baby. C'Rizz giggles and passes out.)