Wednesday, December 2, 2009

REG Doctor - Scream of the Shalka (ii)

Books(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who: The Boogie Outlaw (Canada Only)
The Boom-Shaka-Laka Medulla Oblongata Songbook
"'I Came, I Saw, I Yodeled' And Other Crap Invasion Plans That Failed To Conquer The Planet Earth" by Michael Grade

Fluffs – Richard E Grant seemed a bit inhumane in this story

When an awed Alison asks, "What are you?", the Doctor replies, "A sandwich machine. Sorry. I meant to say... a LOVING machine!! ...If you know what I mean!"

"Die, Doctor! DIE!" screams the Doctor halfway through episode 4 for no readily-apparent reason.

Goofs –
How does the Doctor know that there is a 10-ton weight in the ceiling of the flat when Alison and Joe, who claim to have built the apartment, were unaware of its existence?

Previous stories have firmly established that the Doctor is distinctly UNABLE to shove man-eating Bengal tigers into his pocket so he can unleash them on his enemies, and has been badly mauled on the numerous occasions he has tried. If he could do this, why wouldn’t he use it on EVERY single baddy??

While we’re on the subject, just after the Doctor screams, "Kill them, Simba! Eat their BRAY-YEEEEEEEEENS!" we stay on his deranged face for a full three minutes while, in the background you can hear the director screaming. We then cut to the amazingly-false two-dimensional cardboard-cut-out silhouette that jerkily glides across the set towards the two aliens. Now, HERE'S the goof – it is quite clearly the shape of Zebra, not a tiger! Jesus, just because both animals have stripes, the crew got them confused??? Give me strength!

Just before the bomb goes off, we see the Doctor, Alison and Joe running away from the flat. Then, we get a thirty second outtake from "Not The Nine O’clock News" of Rowan Atkinson sneezing violently. We cut back to show the flat is now a burning ruin. Over the scene, we can hear Rowan apologize to someone called "Lloyd" and beg for some tissues, rendering the dialogue of that scene inaudible.

I’m fairly certain that the Shaka-Laka's P.O.V should have cut away before we see it sliding off the set, leaving the studio altogether and then heading for the gents’ toilets via an illicit drug deal in the shadowy confines of the BBC canteen.

As the Doctor's message comes through on the answering machine, I swear you can hear someone's mobile go off and the Bastard whispering "Not now, Jeremy... Look, I'm working, all right? Of course I do, I just can't say it now, OK! Oh, don't be like that, muffin! Hello? Hello? Oh, rat's bollocks!"

Speaking of mobiles, as the Doctor plunges, upside down into a singularity, he pulls out the phone, fumbles and drops it. He then scowls at shouts in the direction of the black hole, "OI!" Then, a human hand appears, and passes the Doctor the mobile, which he takes saying, "If I see this in the finished episode, I'll take the bastard axe to the producer. Bastard. You'll all suffer. I'm going to be A STAR!!!!"

During the chaos as the world’s atmosphere begins to fall apart, John Levene can be made out shoving his way through the crowds of extras, heaving for the exit, a cigarette in his mouth as he says "Coming through, people". At first, you might think this is intentional, scripted even – but just how is Benton supposed to be striding through crowds simultaneously on twenty-six different parts of the planet? Is this something ANY UNIT officer can do? The Brigadier and Benton meet the TARDIS in New Zealand with no trouble, even though there is no reason for either of them to be there. Or is it just doubling-up on location? If so, then I guess it's STILL a blooper!

How come the Prima Donna Kebab Shaka-Laka can tie people to comfy chairs when there is no need for chairs, or rope in the caverns and she didn't even have arms to start with?

The title sequence is obviously Jon Pertwee's title sequence with the music done on a Jew's Harp. However, the titles have not been updated and each one shows Jon Pertwee's face, his logo, and call this story "Carnival of Munsters Episode Two".

Technobabble –
The Doctor can create a massive weapon of nuclear destruction with a bag of NorbensTM fertilizer ("From The Ground To You"), a plastic skull key ring and three towels. The Doctor defeats the Shaka-Laka by "reversing the atonality of the karioke flow".

Prima Donna Kebab: A simple toy?
Doctor: That's my sonic screwdriver you're talking about!
Prima Donna Kebab: It is hardly worth your humiliation.
Doctor: Oh. Pity.

Fashion Victims –
The Doctor's hideous Goth outfit with horrific echoes to the Time Lord's triceratops collars

Fashion Triumphs -
Alison's bra seems to be trying to emigrate every time she inhales

Links and References -
The Doctor compares being hung-over to having a Snotaran shit in your head. Just HOW this happened isn't clear, and I, for one, am not complaining. Since Doctor Root & The Enema Within, the REG Doctor has downloaded the Bastard's mind into an android for a laugh. It must striptease, do a cartwheel and vomit on the Doctor's order of "LUBRICATE!"

Untelevised Misadventures -
It is heavily implied that the last sixteen pretty girls the REG Doctor has tried to hook-up with have been seduced by the Brigadier using the mysterious "Melon Device".

Groovy DVD Extras -
A completely new end sequence to Episode Six. The Doctor turns directly into camera and says this entire adventure kinda reminds him of a song, "We're SO Screwed", which he proceeds to sing despite the protests and sobs from Alison and the Bastard. The credits then roll over the singing Doctor in upside-down, back-to-front Czechoslovakian.

Dialogue Disasters -

Bastard: A young woman again?
Doctor: Yes, again!
Bastard: On this point, your programming of my electronic brain is quite clear. I am not to give the girl your phone-number.
Doctor: So, why are you giving her yours instead?
Bastard: Guess, loser.

The new PC Doctor's attitude to New Zealanders in general -
"Are you the same as all the other sheep?"

Alison: What will all those slaughtered funk musicians do now, Doctor?
Doctor: [shrugs] Decompose, probably.

The first words between the new Doctor and his new companion -
Doctor: Do you fancy a puff of my huffer?
Alison: That's a terrible chat-up line.
Doctor: Sarah Michelle-Gellar thought otherwise.

The very next scene –
Alison: I can't find a proper position.
Doctor: And so many to choose from.

And, five minutes later -
Doctor: I can't do this any more - ugh!
Alison: Too late. You already did.
Doctor: Christ, I've never lasted THAT long before.

Brigadier: Doctor, I have some extremely distressing news.
Doctor: WE'RE OUT OF WINE??!?

Joe: Have you, uh, actually... Actually, you know... have you done it? You know... with a woman?
Doctor: So many answers to that, but no... no interest in giving them.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Prima Donna Kebab: Resistance is useless!
Doctor: [sneers] What fucker said that!?

Joe: What do you think you can do?
Doctor: Resist them, surprise them, abuse them roughly will marrows and salami... Oh, and maybe finally win the special Lotto jackpot!

Bastard: I am not fond of you.
Alison: Then why do you call me "Ali-baby"?
Bastard: I call everyone that.
Alison: OK, now you're creeping me out now.

Doctor: [proudly] Trust me, I know about fetishes - I'M THE DOCTOR!

Doctor: I'm a Time Lord... reduced to the state of a bum!
Bastard: [uninterested] Dear me, how tiresome.
Doctor: [sobs] I feel like a Snotaran's shat in my head!

The stunning first scene between the Ninth Doctor and Brigadier –
Doctor: [bitterly] How disgusting, Alistair. I seem to attract bondage freaks. They're either strapping me to leather couches, growling in Morse code or seducing my friends. Go and find someone else to play your filthy games with!
Brigadier: Damn it, Doctor - you used to be cool!
Doctor: [worried] I'm still cool! Get the whipped cream, I'll prove it to you.

Doctor: In time, I hope you will come to accept my peccadilloes. Sometimes, it's all I can think about. Well, most times. Well, ALL the time, but that's enough of that.
Alison: Is that why you brought me here? So you could do this in front of me?
Doctor: Oh, no. That would be sheer vanity. I need you in a very biological sense. Hit me again, "George"!

Prima Donna Kebab: The singularity, when set like this, becomes a black hole. It crushes everything down to a mathematical point. Many lesser beings have fallen in accidentally. Maybe it's because we can't be bothered opening and closing it.
Doctor: "Accidentally"? ACCIDENTALLY! Those aren't accidents. They are throwing themselves into the black hole gladly. Throwing themselves into space to escape all the hideousness of it all!! [to Alison] Throw yourself into the black hole, darling! You haven't got a chance!

Doctor: Why have you invaded a tiny part of Lanchashire?
Prima Donna Kebab: Our ambitions stretch much further than that.
Doctor: [aghast] You mean, Nottinghamshire?
Prima Donna Kebab: Exactly!
Doctor: [horrified] Dear God, the horror! No, not that! OH, SWEET JESUS, NOOOO!
[A pause.]
Prima Donna Kebab: Are you being sarcastic?
Doctor: ... ...nope.

The Bastard summing up the Doctor's character in a single sentence:
"As always, you're screwing two things at once. Perhaps your most infuriatingly human trait."

UnQuotable Quote -
Bastard: Every day seems to present a new challenge to one's dignity. [Evil Bastard Chuckle] Oh, yeah. Sweet, sweet candy...

Viewer's Quotes –

"Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! Richard E Grant IS the Doctor! There's going to be a whole new series about this character – Telos novellas, DWM strips, BBC Books! EMBRACE THE NINTH DOCTOR!"
- some poster at Outpost Gallifrey (2003)

"REG sucked at the Doctor. His singing was off-key, I can’t stretch myself to fit I Scream "Boom-Shaka-Laka!" into my narrow continuity, and everyone knows there isn't going to be another one. I decry this as distilled whippet shit and anyone who doesn't is a damn moron."
- the same poster at Outpost Gallifrey after he saw the story (2003)

"When I heard they were making a cartoon of Doctor Who, I knew that there would only be one enemy monster that Cosgrove Hall could possibly capture the grace and beauty of, yet still retain the horror and fear generated by such an ungodly nightmare. Yes, "Doctor Who Sings The Quirks A Lullaby" would have cemented Richard E Grant's place as the Doctor and spun-off an entire new series of the show. Did they listen to me? Did they fuck."
- the Creator of the Quirks (2003)

"The new webcast is called 'I Scream "Boom-Shaka-Laka"', but I'll be screaming something a bit more prosaic if I ever have to watch it."
- Tony Davenport, (2003)

"This has to be the most anodyne, pathetic, drawn-out wastes of space it has ever been my misfortune to come across. The phrase, "square to the point of deformity" has never been so aptly used. This entire mockery of Doctor Who shall be the final nail in the coffin. No, I haven't WATCHED the story, more sort of SET FIRE to people that have."
- Dan Freeman (2004)

"I notice that the vastly-superior Shagged'er has gone from the BBC Cult Website the moment this crap turned up."
- Douglas Adams, via Ouji Board (2098 – rather good, considering his previous experiences with deadlines)

"Did you know not a single slash fiction piece about this story has turned up? DOES THAT NOT SUGGEST SOMETHING? If only the Doctor had been crucified and dipped in beeswax, maybe then, THEN, this story could have been a winner."
- Kate Orman (2004)

"This will be my final piece of Doctor Who fiction. Honest."
- Laurence Miles (2003)

"Doctor Who Animated? ANIMATED!?! Look, buster, I know animation when I see it, I've seen a lot of animation and you, sir, are not animation!"
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2004)

"Aw, he's getting wasted on lighter fluid, bless 'im!"
"Yes, he definitely takes after you, dear."
- the REG Doctor's parents, the Eighth Doctor and Charley, in “Schizo" (2003)

Psychotic Nostalgia –
"Man, this story has to be, without a doubt, the best expose of alien karioke experiments being carried out by Harley Street doctors. Yeah, man, it's time for the truth! I was so impressed, I began to sing "Innocent Eyes" by Delta Goodrem for 87 hours straight while I hung, upside down, from the ceiling in front of the distorting mirror of Ashgotoroth! You know what, it all suddenly became clear to me! Doctor Who was never cancelled! This is just one of the stories that has been made since 1989 that the MIB have frantically tried to hide from our sight! They say they're making it in 2005, but I know the truth. The REAL Doctor Who, with Ian Richardson as the Tenth Doctor, won't be let in for Season Forty-Two and they'll just get some big-eared, mop-haired freak to cover up the truth! OH, MY GOD! MY BRAIN JUST IMPLODED..."

Trivia -
It was after watching this story together that Tom Baker and Hilary Duff finally agreed to tie the knot. The marriage was annulled six hours later when Hilary realized that the man she had married was not the Tom Baker who had been systematically sending her love letters and serenading her at night in Latin. She has now shacked-up full-time with Madame Tussurds' wax model of the Fourth Doctor and are expecting their first child in June.

Rumors & Facts -
In 2002, BBCi launched an all-new animated fantasy series that was broadcast over the internet and watched on a fantastic three occasions – two by people whose PC's jammed on the website, and another who had wandered off for lunch and come back in time to miss the entire adventure. The animated webcast was called The Boasts of Albion, about a sword-and-sorcery braggart who vainly tried impress his peers. The so-called animation was done by Cosgrove Hall – the god-like beings responsible for Danger Mouse and Count Duckula and, thus, every single TV show a fictional character on the BBC is allowed to watch before the plot kicks back into gear. James Gross, the producer of BBCi, had been tempted at animating a Doctor Who story for some time. His first effort, Beth Comes To Rhyme had static images of various characters doing sod all. This was improved in Meal Time where the various static images faded in and out of focus in time to the incidental music. The most recent work was the re-make of Douglas Adams aborted tale of anarchic set-burning, Shagged'er wherein static images of characters ice-skated around static sets with monotonous close-ups for often ill-placed dialogue. Gross decided that, in conjunction with the BBC, they would advance this method and screw up Doctor Who forever.

The BBC had been slowly but surely devastating the BBC books range - after first denying it from doing absolutely anything interesting, it wiped out Gallifrey and became obsessed with Sapphire & Steel-type plot twists that required a Grade A certificate in continuity to open the book. Then, they reduced the book production from once a month to one every five seconds on a blue moon in Afghanistan. The evil masterminds then tackled the DWM comic strip – after a teasing glimpse of homosexual naughtiness, it sent the solo eighth Doctor who cared where, facing vague, unmemorable threat after another with no companion or even a clue. With Big Finish, the BBC bastards had a field day. They created ludicrous gaps in the lives of the Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Doctors, giving them all new companions, pointless story arcs and then made every single episode non-linear, forcing you to buy two CDs to understand the content of just one. A Lithuanian prostitute forced Nick Briggs to shatter his Dustbin War Story series in the cradle, and then, a master stroke!

Doctor Who fans regularly bitched about what crap they lumbered with and pretended that, if THEY had been in charge, things would be so much more different. So, Big Finish did just that, and released the Unsoiled range of audio dramas: "Arse Morality", with Geoffrey Bayldon as a Doctor who refused to leave Gallifrey and spent eternity staring at Madonna's backside; "Empathy for the Weevil", with David Warner missing the UNIT era and finding a fetishist cave of dildos being manipulated by the Bastard's beard; "Full Frontally Fucked", with David Collings as a nice, clean-cut Doctor who never told lies or seduced his assistant and was shot dead half way through the first minute, to be recast as Ian Levine in a Blob-style plot as the Doctor Who fan rolled over hapless innocents; "He Dresses In Women's Clothing And Hangs Around In Bars", which was a musical production of the Lumberjack song by Monty Python; "Headline" about a guy who was forced to write endless script for a crap TV show called Doctor Who while being haunted by a creature that existed in photographs and starred Sir Derek Jacobi as Rob Shearman; and "Revile", with Arabella Wier doing sod all but farting for sixty minutes, then having a nap.

The fans realized that, no matter what reality, Doctor Who could never live up to their high expectations and turned desperately to the Eighth Doctor Big Finish stories – only to endure the bowl-shattering insanity of Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass and the fifteen hour weirdness that was Schizo. Then, the BBC sprung its trap.

It keel-hauled Paul Cornell into tapping out a generic Pertwee story called "My Wife Likes Ice Cream", which they then renamed "Project Catflap" and handed the finished product over to Gross. The crucial element that this would be an "all-new" adventure for an "all-new" Doctor. Rather than do something even remotely sensible like handing over the role from Paul McGann to his successor, "Project Catflap" would begin four hundred years into the Ninth Doctor's life and see him resolving unseen and undefined horrors to become truly the Doctor for the last three minutes of the animated series, which would then have absolutely no sequels, prequels or mentions again in any kind. This final nail through the heart of Doctor Who was planned to utterly annihilate the show's fandom – giving them something to pin all their remaining hopes and dreams, failing to live up to it, and then buggering off while the scarf-clad wankers sobbed uncontrollably.

In order to make sure that there was no chance this so-called official incarnation could never make another outing, the BBC cast derranged hermit and violent alcoholic Richard E Grant as the Doctor. An actor of his caliber would never deign to play the role twice and, convinced of being spied on by alien saucer people, refused to let the BBC use his likeness on any book covers or in the DWM comic strip. When given the brief to play a character with a stiff upper lip, a keen sense of humor and a way with ladies of any species, Grant was terrified – his remit was only for bitter, grieving drunks who did sod all while their mates actually went and made something with their lives. He was also going through a strange gothic phase and insisted that the Doctor should be very pale, have large teeth and refer to himself as "The Count Formally Known As Drakhoola". Fearful of casting another deranged sociopath as the Doctor, Grant was pumped full of morphine, strapped to a chair and electrocuted until he had recited the whole script three times over.

For no other reason that to annoy the fans and confuse the public, Cornell decided to pad out an episode by having the Boom-Shaka-Laka breaking into the TARDIS. They would then be repelled by a character that Cornell thought up off the top of his head – the TARDIS Bouncer, played by Peter Davison in a cricket jumper. When Davison announced publicly he would rather lick Greg Dyke's scrotum than appear in Doctor Who again, a hasty re-write was made to ruin the remaining character of the Bastard. Sir Derek Jacobi was cast as he was still under sedation after his Unsoiled play "Headline".

On the priviso the story featured a mass of continuing characters played by such big-star names no one with two brain cells to rub together would even try and make another series, the BBC gave "I Scream, 'Boom-Shaka-Laka'!" the green light. The animation reverted to the original pattern set down by Beth Comes to Rhyme, and had the character's jaws sag open and then close, allowing a bare minimum of dialogue to be played out. Paul Cornell was paid for his trouble by writing a Liberal book of right-on shite which could be sold to gullible anoraks as a novelization of the story, while both Rob Shearman and Gay Russell stretched credulity and their own sanity to breaking point trying to fit 'Shaka-Laka' into continuity. Their end result – that the REG Doctor is the Eighth Doctor and Charley's illegitimate love child being manipulated by Nicholas Briggs – does not warrant further discussion.

"I Scream 'Boom-Shaka-Laka'!" did everything it had to, and wiped out half the fan population in a fortnight. Nobody wanted it, nobody needed it and everybody wished they didn't care so much. Opinion forums that had been stretched to breaking point by blind speculation shut down to lack of use. A few bitching letters were sent to DWM, but they all followed the same pattern. It seemed like the Doctor had finally been forsaken by his fans and was free to escape this earthly realm forever.

And THAT was then they announced they were making a new series...

To close this entry, the Ninth Doctor's excised musical number--

"We're SO screwed, we're SO screwed
We're SO screwed, we're SO screwed, yeah!

Nothing to do
To save my life
Call the wife in
Nothing to say
But what's the date?
Who's invaded?
Nothing to do
For Doctor Who
If you've got nothing to say
Then it's okay

We're SO screwed, we're SO screwed
We're SO screwed, we're SO screwed, yeah!

Coming down to Earth
Don't wanna go
Heading for Rome
I dial the phone
For the Crown
Everybody knows aliens're invading
They're everywhere, they're all-pervading
Everyone is in their thrall
I say, just come one, just come all

After a while
I start to smile
As the Shaka-Laka rule
Then I decide to
Take the fight
Wipe out the sluggy fool
But nothing will change
It's still the same
You don't care what I say
And it ain't okay!

People running round, under a spell
It's about time the sword did fell
Aliens implanted in their skulls
They're going to screw up the air
But I guess that's fair

Somebody needs to save the world
I'm glad that you called
But frankly, I say
I'll call it a day
You'll have to save yourselves

If you can't survive
You won't be revived
You didn't care what I say
It wasn't okay

We're SO screwed, we're SO screwed
We're SO screwed, we're SO screwed, yeah!"

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