Thursday, December 3, 2009

8th Doctor - The Last (i)

Serial 8U – The Lust
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Twenty-First Entry in EC Unauthorized Guide O' Jules Verne Porn


Serial 8U – The Lust

Part One – After The Lay Has Lied

The planet Chumran is under siege from their neighboring planet Tranzekshual-Transilvainya, who have released an evil heap of gibbon snot known only as 'the Lust' to destroy their ancient enemies.

Leader of the people of Chumran is the distinctly frigid Excelis, a frumpy woman with a voice like an albatross. She naively assumes her people will have as little libido as she does and thus they will survive the onslaught of the Lust.

"Just where does this woman hide all her sexual frustration?" wonders her make-up assistant, and gets the answer when she rips open his throat and tears out his internal organs.

Excelis decides that she shall retreat to her private concrete-lined bunker and await for the Lust to die out from lack of cooperation with her subjects. Her toadying PR lackies, Lies and Denial, are too terrified to tell her she's just doomed her people to a horrible fate.

"Shit happens," Excelis retorts. "Only the pure shall live!"

"Oh, we are SO completely screwed," mutters Denial. "Literally."

Meanwhile, the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz are awaiting their final Double the Fist challenge from Steve Foxx, who takes the Doctor aside. He reveals if the Doctor does not win the next challenge, then he is going to have to remove Charley and C'Rizz.

The Doctor is overjoyed and tells Foxx so, until he is shown their replacements – Katarina and Adric. The horrified Doctor tries to convince himself that these are nothing more than illusions created by Foxx, but apparently these are the Katarina and Adric from THIS universe. Unfortunately, they have the exact personalities and bodies of the ones the Doctor met in Troy and Alzarius, respectively.

Foxx also advises the Doctor to consider the nature of his friends' faith in him. Their next mission will involve fundamental questions of faith, life, death and TV show tunes.

"The end of one relationship is the beginning of another..."

"You WAIT to end a relationship?" exclaims the Doctor. "What are you? A girl?"

"It would be a mistake to underestimate me, Doctor," Foxx replies.

"Oh, for crying out loud, there you again – mistaking me for someone who gives a damn about you at all! It's bad enough that I'm stuck in this awful 'extreme lifestyle' shit hole without completely gratuitous companion cameos that are calculated to boost sales!"

So offended is Foxx that he transports the team straight to their destination without even telling them where they are or what they're supposed to do.

"We seem to have arrived in one of the most inhospitable places imaginable," the Doctor explains to his companions. "A Jules Verne theme park. How often have I feared ending up in such a place as this? God, even the mascots here are crap."

The planet the theme park is on has been ruined, mummified bodies lie everywhere, stained with mysterious bodily fluids – even plants, animals and cars have suffered similar fates. This is the result of an extremely pornographic war.

To a normal person, the site of such carnage would be literally soul-destroying, but the depression that falls onto Charley and C'Rizz is more put down to the kitch brass rockets and over-priced gift stores of the Jules Verne theme park.

The Doctor tries to revive their optimism and manages not to reveal he only wants to win this challenge so he isn't stuck with Adric and Katarina for the rest of the season.

Unfortunately, a huge hunk of gibbon snot knocks over a wall, knocking the Doctor out and swallowing Charley. C'Rizz takes one look at this and runs for his life, screaming hysterically.

Back in the bunker, Lies and Denial are struggling to put a good spin on the fact there are only a dozen people left alive after the coming of the Lust and rendered the planet uninhabitable.

Excelis is now swigging hootch and watching re-runs of Happy Days, singing Spice Girl songs and no one is prepared to disturb her.

However, they are taken aback when the doorbell to the bunker rings to reveal the Doctor and Charley – the bunker can be accessed from the back of the ticket booth in the theme park.

Lies and Denial quickly realize that Charley was infected with the Lust, a strange goo that possesses and individual and makes them go on a sex rampage, triggering lethally good orgasms before they too finally die. This viscous cycle has wiped out the world population, but they all went out smiling.

However, it appears Charley's libido burnt out the Lust before it could consume her. But it has spread her legs so far apart she is now paralyzed from the neck down, and will never walk again.

As this is a dull cliffhanger, the episode ends with a still-panicking C'Rizz tripping in his flight of terror and spraining his ankle.

Part Two – Twilight's Last Creaming

C'Rizz remembers he has an exoskeleton and thus is unharmed, and continue to run for it as other Lust blobs wobble after him unhurriedly. It begins to rain and lizard boy starts to blubber, the wuss. The Lust blobs are embarrassed and wobble off.

Pleased to hear that someone has survived the Lust, Excelis decides to go to the medical unit for a photo-opportunity with Charley, who she assumes to be the most perfect virgin ever.

There she finds the Doctor refusing to accept the fact Charley is paralyzed – after all, he couldn’t have a wheelchair-bound companion as very few places he goes have stairs. He also thinks that being a quadriplegic will merely slow Charley's rampant sex life down rather than stop it.

Hastily changing the subject when it becomes clear that Excelis is psychotically violent when it comes to sex before marriage, the Doctor explains that he and Charley are innocent contestants on Double the Fist and chats idly that they are the twelve best-dressed people in the world – what with the rest having perished in the war.

Up on the surface, C'Rizz composes a poem when he discovers the Lust has not only wiped out all the humans but also all the animals and plant life and dry-humped the planet so much it is on the point on imminent collapse.

He is so pleased at being able to rhyme 'buggery' with 'skullduggery' that he decides to go back to the Doctor and Charley and tell them what a fantastic poet he is. Oh, and maybe mention the planet is about to explode – we'll have to wait and see how the conversation develops.

Back in the bunker, the Doctor repeatedly tries to turn the conversation back to escaping the doomed planet while Charley flirts with the oblivious Excelis. Finally the Doctor gets bored and shakes Excelis violently by the neck and screams at her that the planet is doomed and everyone else is dead and DEAR GOD that dress she's making gives her the hips of an emaciated rhinoceros.

Just then, the internal plumbing explodes as the guarantee is invalidated in the occurrence of Armageddon.

Lies and Denial urge Excelis to evacuate, but she refuses to let him push her into giving an order before she's ready to do so herself. So, the Doctor, the nurse, Charley and the ministers run for it and leave her behind as the bunker flood.

Unfortunately, Excelis manages to follow them to safety.

On the surface, C'Rizz returns to the theme park and starts to fantasize about being in charge. He soon patrols the park like he owns the place, patronizing some customers and kung-fu kicking other customers he doesn't like.

This behavior ultimately saves his life as the Lust blobs refuse to touch him and decide to shag each other to death instead.

As the lift ascends to the surface, the Doctor and Charley (in a special Y-shaped stretcher) make it very loudly clear they think Excelis is completely fucking insane. But Excelis got similar abuse before she got into power – indeed, even in her childhood and mostly from her parents and teachers – and doesn't rise to the bait.

C'Rizz is pontificating and posturing when the party reaches the surface and then suddenly the nurse collapses in a... happy moment that literally blows her mind.

"Whoa," says Charley. "I'll have what SHE's having, please!"

Part Three – All Things Must Shag

The Doctor realizes that one of them must be infected with the Lust, and Charley immediately admits she is. The Doctor correctly guesses Charley is lying in a warped attempt to improve her self-esteem.

Lies immediately accuses Denial and Denial quickly insists it wasn't him. Lies responds by running behind the candy floss stand and hiding. Excelis goes after him to tell him to be a man.

Instead, they find he too is dead, literally blown away.

C'Rizz simply suggests that it must be the Lust blobs at work, despite the fact the last of them died with a post-coital cigarette in its pseudopodia.

The Doctor decides its time to cut their losses and escape the doomed planet Chumran, and Denials reveals that the rocket-ship ride is, in fact, a fully-working space hopper kept for just this sort of emergency and is powered by a nuclear warhead. They'll use that to escape the planet AND Steve Foxx's stupid Double the Fist TV show. Who cares about the TARDIS, anyway?

The Doctor and Denials head off to prepare the good ship Phallic Symbol for launch while C'Rizz stays behind with Charley to recite his poem. When she tells him the poem is crap, he starts making numerous cripple jokes at her expense.

Excelis arrives and believes that an asexual nerd lizard like C'Rizz would have a good chance of being her new valet. Insulted, C'Rizz wanders off to loot the claw machine, and pretends not to hear Charley begging not to be left alone with "the frigid loon".

The planet is starting to come apart at the seams, but the Doctor believes this is, if anything, improving the look of the theme park.

Denials begins to clean out the coin machine and detach the padlocks while the Doctor realizes that only three people are allowed on the ship per ride and, after a few minutes with an abacus realizes that, with five people, two will need to be left to their horrible fiery demise. He cackles insanely until he notices Denial staring at him and retorts "What?!"

C'Rizz has composed an anguished haiku called "All Things Must Shag" and recites it to Charley. He is puzzled by her lack of reaction, and notices she's stripped herself naked again. But he only gets suspicious when he remembers she is permanently paralyzed.

The Doctor pops back to reveal all they have to do is leave Excelis and Denial to die and they're laughing. He then realizes, to his horror, that the Lust has finally killed Charley.

Worse – he might now have to travel with C'Rizz and Adric!!!!

Part Four – The Lust

Shaken by Charley's death and the thought of Adric as a companion, the Doctor wonders who could possibly be infected by the Lust and could have killed her. C'Rizz points out he did leave her alone for a long time with Excelis, but it could just be a coincidence.

C'Rizz has heard dark legends from the Doctor about the horror of Adric and, despite the fact they have a fifty-fifty chance of getting Katarina instead, suggests they abandon Denial and Excelis and take Charley's body with them.

"Think, C'Rizz! What would you want? To be left on this doomed planet to explode? Or to be taken with us as a combined necrophiliac sex doll and draught excluder? Leave her here. Charley Pollard would have wanted it this way."

"No she fucking wouldn't!" C'Rizz points out.

The set... er, PLANET begins to shake itself apart and the Doctor and C'Rizz wail like babies and run for it. They race into the Phallic Symbol to discover Denials has also been rooted to death and, together with Excelis, prepare for blast off.

At the last moment, C'Rizz has a childish complaint about where he sits and goes outside to have a sulk. Although the ground is giving way outside the rocket, the Doctor refuses to take off without him – if he did that, he would definitely end up with Adric as a companion.

C'Rizz finally decides to stop being such a drama queen, dives inside the Phallic Symbol, which immediately takes off. The rocket reaches the upper atmosphere, where Excelis reveals SHE is the one who was the Lust all the time! She was in fact a double agent working for the Tranzekshuals from the very beginning! Chumran is dead, and now, she plans to take the Doctor and C'Rizz.

C'Rizz tries to strangle her, but this auto-erotic-asphyxiation proves to increase Excelis' power and soon the Doctor is forced to watch as his remaining companion suffers death by sex.

C'Rizz dies claiming that he can see a naked Alyson Hannigan looking down on him and damn it she's hot!

Excelis rounds on the Doctor, but the Time Lord has had ample practice resisting Charley's sexual advances which were far more numerous and subtle than Excelis screaming "GIVE IT TO ME!!"

He instead drop-kicks her and throws her out the airlock.

By a miraculous chain of coincidences, Excelis survives the exposure to hard vacuum, the blistering plunge through the atmosphere and the near-fatal 98 million mile fall onto hard ground.

It's Chumran exploding that finally kills her.

Aboard the Phallic Symbol, the Doctor sighs and steals C'Rizz's black leather jacket, which the Time Lord always liked. Just then, Steve Foxx appears inside the TARDIS with Adric and Katarina.

"Well, Doctor, it's a Full Fist for you. You managed to wipe out the remnants of a very pathetic planet of weak dogs AND ditch the two moron companions. Now, Doctor, you not ONLY have won back your lovechild's customized TARDIS, but also two brand new companions!"

"Bollocks to this," the Doctor says, shaking his head and detonating the nuclear warhead in the rocket.

The Phallic Symbol explodes...

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