Serial 7C/D – Mud Tide
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Selection
Serial 7C/D – Mud Tide -
Millions of years ago at the end of the world, as the Bilurian clans
prepare to party orgiastically one last time. Happening swinger Toothpick is brought before the DJ, and interviewed for public access television about his day job of genetically modified monsters which pervert... well, just about anything. Especially the course of nature.
The penalty for his crime should be death, but as it is such a bitching cool thing to do, the DJ sentences Toothpick to exile on the Earth's surface. Toothpick points out that this sentence is exactly the same as a death sentence, but the DJ is too busy flipping discs to be interested and so his ex-girlfriend Serviette tells him to sling his bloody hook pronto.
Toothpick is tossed out an airlock and the DJ recommends that his GM monsters be left with the happening swinger. The chances of Toothpick using the monsters to gain bloody vengeance on the Bilurian clans are so small they are hardly worth mentioning.
The TARDIS materializes in a park somewhere; the Doctor can't be arsed to tell Evelyn where they are, but he's reading The Enchiladas by Herman Munster, which wouldn't give Evelyn a clue even if she'd ever read it herself.
Emerging from the police box, the Doctor and Evelyn watch some bored locals racing tortoises for their own sadistic amusement. Suddenly, a yobbo arrives and shoots each of the tortoises dead and collects the bodies to be first studied, then turned into soup.
Claiming to be kipper salesmen, the Doctor learns that the yobbo is part of a cross-country tour in a van called the Beaglemobile. The yobbo offers them a lift and introduces himself as Charles Darwin, or Psycho to what few friends he hasn't already shot dead and later justified to the police as forming theories of evolution and natural selection via justifiable homicide.
Elsewhere, in the local fish and chip shop, a customer called Roger is demanding three salad sandwiches and a cup of tea. The proprietor, Larson, pretends not to hear, insisting Roger is raving mad and too terrified to speak coherently.
Despite the pleas of Greta the waitress, Larson chucks out the only paying customer they have had in weeks. Larson however, has a reason for this, as he whispers into a walkie talkie that Roger is now forced to head straight into a trap.
As Roger is dragged into a house by two figures in unconvincing reptile outfits, history professor Evelyn is trying to square how the classical Charles Darwin is in fact a drug-addled punk in the 1980s. The Doctor refuses to explain on the grounds that not only is the reason mind-bogglingly banal, he doubts Evelyn would understand it.
Darwin himself is intrigued at how timid the wildlife is and gleefully guns down native birds and squirrels. Curious as to whether this quality is shared by fish, Darwin decides to open fire on the local aquarium. Unfortunately, there is no local aquarium and the closest thing is Larson's fish and chip shop.
The fish is not recommended, but tortoise is and Larson brags about how they taste better after being dipped in radioactive goo, copious amounts of which are regularly dumped in the canal.
Darwin however, notices a fossil on the wall which suggests mass extinctions thousands of years ago in direct conflict with Biblical teachings. Darwin puts this down to bad continuity and asks for a tortoise pie and a can of Coke.
The Doctor is more interested in a suspicious-looking man in a crap reptile suit running through the streets. Greta the waitress explains that such sights are common of late and the Doctor decides to investigate the area of the convenience store that all of Larson's potential customers ultimately give up and go to.
Approaching the store, two more badly-dressed lizard impersonators attack them. The Doctor's suspicions are confirmed – they have fallen into the hands of the Silly Lurians, fashion-challenged worshippers of the omnisexual Earth Reptiles, or Bilurians to give their popular non-PC name.
The Doctor is delighted at this and hopes a real Bilurian will be around. "They screw anything, anywhere anytime!" the Doctor grins happily as the Silly Lurians drag them down an elevator shaft several hundred feet below sea level.
There they encounter Roger, who is even more annoyed at the lack of tea and sandwiches he asked for. However, it is then that Serviette and Toothpick arrive to chat up the ape primitive who seems to know of their species and their disgusting sexual proclivities.
Toothpick wants to shag the Doctor right away, but Serviette wishes to question him further to find out if any other Bilurian singles' bars are in the area. Toothpick reluctantly agrees to let her do so.
Meanwhile, Darwin ransacks the fish and chip shop, determined to discover the cause for potatoes' fear of Mankind. Root vegetables do not learn from the past, but why do the timid ones dominate when it is always the timid vegetables that cooked and eaten. Surely only the wild and bolder potatoes should survive?
Evelyn simply shrugs and says, "Don't look at me, Skippy."
The Doctor explains to Greta that every human being retains instincts passed down from their ancestors, and that seeing the Bilurians has triggered memories buried so deeply that Roger hasn't noticed them at all. The Doctor, however, is having more than his memory stirred.
Serviette drags the Doctor to her room and ties him to a chair with leather restraints. In a strange Kenneth Williams voice, the Doctor urges the Bilurians to use him and abuse him "For I am your slave!"
The brutal interrogation that follows merely makes the Doctor smile crookedly, thank Serviette and offer her a cigarette. He is annoyed to discover this is a genuine interrogation and that no kinkyness has actually occurred at all!
Toothpick arrives and decides to attach electrodes to the Doctor's naughty bits as Serviette prepares to dominate the human race in as rough and violent a manner as possible.
Darwin and Evelyn ask Lawson about the Doctor, and he informs them that he has not sold out the town and all his friends to an ancient ungodly race of over-sexed reptiles.
Even Evelyn's decrepit mind suspects something about this statement and they decide to ask at the local convenience store and instead stumble across a sign saying EVIL SILLY LURIAN HEADQUARTERS – NO SMOKING – PLEASE LEAVE YOUR SELF-RESPECT AT THE DOOR.
Toothpick questions the Doctor about the crew of Beaglemobile and which way they swing, thus proving that he knows they might have different orientations – but since all humans are the same to the Bilurians, this implies that someone on the surface has been keeping them updated, and it isn't difficult for the Doctor to work out that this must be Lawson when Toothpick tells him.
Deciding that his masculinity is not threatened by those on the surface, Toothpick wanders off to the bathroom. Serviette arrives and admits she believes Toothpick's story that this is the only Bilurian colony to survive is nothing but a bluff to keep them together.
Toothpick returns from the bathroom and orders the Doctor to be thrown back into the cell with Roger and Gretel, doubting that their combined wit and intellect could trigger an escape attempt. Not as dumb as he looks is old Toothpick.
Roger meanwhile, has been taken away by another Bilurian for unspeakable reasons. The Doctor is more interested in the attack on the Beaglemobile - the Bilurians secretly fancy humanity, and desperation makes them dangerous.
Toothpick orders a Silly Lurian to leave the cell door unlocked and allow the Doctor and Greta to escape, but refuses to discuss this with Serviette. But as the duo reach the surface and the Beaglemobile, a giant crab steps out from behind it and tries to look menacing.
Using the headlights of the Beagle, the Doctor is able to scare off the giant Macra crab for all of thirteen seconds. His next plan is to hurl Greta at the monster and hopes it spares him.
This works and the Doctor winces as the waitress is eaten.
When the Silly Lurians capture Darwin and Evelyn, Toothpick decides to use them to test a brand new pheromone spray Serviette has been preparing by means of little yoghurt pots.
Meanwhile, Darwin uses twisted logic to deduce that Eden is a myth and the animals are all there is. Then he shrugs and wonders how many gunshots a Bilurian could take before dropping dead.
Bloody annoyed, the Doctor returns to the fish and chip shop to register a complaint with Larson. Larson denies categorically that he delivers people to the Bilurians for his own sadistic amusement, but once again makes the mistake of denying this BEFORE he is accused.
The Doctor steals Larson's walkie talkie and the contents of the cash register and wanders off. Having overheard this via some plot contrivance, Toothpick and Serviette step out of the shadows and release their pheromone spray on Larson for being too damn stupid.
The spray overloads Larson's libido and he spontaneously combusts.
Toothpick is surprised. As a sex-spray it's rubbish, but as a weapon of mass destruction he could use to, dare he even to dream... RULE THE WORLD FOREVER?!?!
This pheromone spray could set him up above the Gods!
Returning to the Bilurian base the Doctor discovers the reason why the Bilurians have not totally taken over the whole planet and buggered it into submission by now – Toothpick is preventing this in order to have all the rampant ape totty to himself!
Creeping into a frozen larder full of used prophylactics hung on hooks like slaughtered cattle in a larder, Serviette catches the Doctor and throws him in the cell with Evelyn and Darwin.
The Doctor suggests a nice round of truth or dare and Serviette admits she let Toothpick back into her apartment at the last moment, saving him from but leaving his GM monsters to die horribly. But, since then Toothpick has been playing increasingly bizarre ways to conquer the world, get revenge and get laid – and not necessarily in that order.
Toothpick uses the pheromone spray to kill everyone in the town and returns to the base, only to discover that "everyone" consisted solely of his Silly Lurian slaves and he'll have to get off his own scaly behind and do work himself from now on.
Toothpick returns to the cell and brags about how damn evil he is, flirting shamelessly with the Doctor, who seems well up for a bit of post-genocide sex.
Leaving the Doctor to "tingle with anticipation", Toothpick and Darwin head off to release the pheromone spray into the atmosphere. Darwin thinks this will help him classify a lot more species and save on bullets, much to Toothpick's mirth.
The game of truth or dare continues and, after slapping Evelyn silly, the Doctor reveals to Serviette Toothpick's betrayal of the entire Bilurian race and their ideals of orgies and peace.
Serviette heads off to give Toothpick a piece of her mind, leaving the Doctor and the battered Evelyn locked in the cell. They overhear a brutal argument between the bitter ex-lovers – and when Serviette compares part of Toothpick's anatomy to a tadpole, the violence begins.
Toothpick, between punches, then orders Darwin to go and kill the captives in the cell, and returns to mud-wrestling with Serviette.
Darwin arrives and the Doctor, taking immense offence that he hasn't even got a shag before the death threats, reverses the polarity of the neutron flow. The entire Bilurian base will now explode towards the end of the final episode.
Toothpick overhears this and the distraction allows Serviette to get the upper hand. The Doctor, Evelyn and Darwin check their watches, find the episode is almost over and run like fuck.
Drowning Serviette in the mud, Toothpick gets to his feet and decides to escape in his convenient emergency space rocket. Unfortunately, the very hungry Macra was inside and leaps on Toothpick, eating him.
The convenience store explodes spectacularly and Darwin decides to continue his road trip in the Beaglemobile, blowing up stores as well as shooting wildlife. The Doctor calls him an absolute wanker and he and Evelyn depart in the TARDIS several hours before Darwin can come up with a clever and witty response.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who And The Mounting Sexual Frustration
Charles Darwin – Orgasms of the Species
Charles M Schultz's Voyage of the Beagle
Serviette changes gender at will. Do all Bilurians have this gift?
Technobabble - "Beware this thing, Evelyn, for this is in truth a sonic emission detector!"
"What does it do?"
"Well, it comes in handy for detecting sonic emissions!"
Links and References –
This story pisses on the corpses of Doctor Mysterio and the Silly Lurians, Comrades of the Deep and The Maid Marian Conspiracy.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor inveigles his way into Cornish society with the subtle name of Thunder-Wing, the Doom Slayer of Fatal SEX!!
He always meant to 'pop back and give Delta Goodrem some immoral support' after her messy split up.
Groovy DVD Extras -
More disturbing scenes of Colin Baker impersonating Kenneth Williams.
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: Why aren't the Bilurians seducing me?
Evelyn: Perhaps you aren't quite so irresistible as you think you are?
Doctor: Mouth closed, Evelyn.
Doctor: So what happened to this Roger?
Darwin: After he saw them he started acting strangely.
Doctor: Not surprised. What crappy outfits!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Toothpick: I have your mind in my grasp!
Serviette: Yeah, well, buster, I have something a little more tangible in MY grasp!
(Serviette grabs Toothpick's crotch and twists it)
Darwin: I believe in Descent through Modification!
Evelyn: I believe in the Tooth Fairy!
Darwin: You mean you're into group sex, lizard?
Toothpick: Yes. You think the name Bilurian would give it away.
The Doctor on sexual politics throughout history:
"Try to see it from my view... All of human life - just a brief candle in the wind. Or was that Elton John?"
Toothpick: Your minds are mine! You CANNOT resist me!
(Serviette knees him in the bollocks)
Toothpick: (gasps) OK, you can do that, though.
Darwin: I wouldn't trust the Doctor if he said the world's oceans were 'a bit on the wet side'. With an outfit like that? The man must be out of his teeny-tiny-little mind!
(Toothpick tests the pheromone spray)
Evelyn: It smells like a physics undergraduate.
Toothpick: Perfect! Complete success!
Viewer Quotes -
"Shame, shame, shame! That's what I felt when I realized I was enjoying the Doctor's bondage scene with Serviette."
- Andrew Marr (2002)
"There is so much to enjoy in this adventure it is hard to see why it is given so much flack. It has an eye-catching cover – the Doctor groping a Bilurian; the presence of Charles Darwin who was apparently just like Sid Vicious only more theological; and of course, the Bilurians, my favorite Doctor Who monsters after the Slitheen. And the Dropdeadgorgeous. And Charley Pollard." - Nigel Verkoff (2006)
"The story seems to be more interested in filling in gaps, and not just plotholes either. If you've ever wondered why the Bilurians didn't wake up, why there are no missing links in the fossil records, or Bilurians in the fossil records for that matter, you need a life."
- Dave Restal (2005)
"The Bilurians are excellently recreated here, whereas Charles Darwin is less excellently recreated - unless this is a 1989 punk who just happens to share the name and occupation of the great naturist. My only gripe is that he does nothing particularly new with the Bilurians; their motives and fetishes are the same as ever. But it's done with such style you almost forget the most admirable bit - the word 'mongoose' is, quite properly, never used." - Andrew Beeblebrox (2000)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"My local shopkeeper is a Bilurian agent. No Silly Lurian will outlive the day of the July stock take sale – so it is written!!"
Colin Baker Speaks!
"I always think it is good manners to do some homework before recording a Big Finish script. I spend a lot of time working on a script while the rest of the hack actors just wing it... Often, it's pointless but it gives me a nice feeling of self-righteousness I find."
Rumors & Facts -
It is undeniable that this story contains Bilurians. However, it is possibly deniable that the story contains a plot.
The Doctor frequently brags about bumping into actual historical figures, but when we actually see them, it's usually something of a disappointment. Especially the depiction of Charles Darwin as a Lancaster yob with a pet name for his double-barreled shotgun.
The sudden way Darwin agrees to destroy humanity for the hell of it, is so quick and wrong in a historical context, as to destroy any credibility of his character – no mean feat that. Darwin always called his ideas theories, not facts – and didn't wander about the place shooting things to prove the Theory of Evolution. He was always wary of the religious teachings of the day, and tried to rationalize them. He never fire-bombed them out of hand as he does here.
Mud Ride's origin began in 2000 when, far too busy keeping Nicholas Briggs under control, Big Finish producer Gay Russell decided to rope in authors to write stories around his obviously magnificent outlines.
The latest unwitting fool was Jonathon Morris – you know, the bloke from Bread – who was ordered to write a Sixth Doctor story pitting the bisexual Time Lord against similarly bisexual Earth Reptiles.
Although not having done much work... at all... Morris pointed out that for maximum story success he'd need to chuck out the Bilurians and have the Doctor face the She Devils with nothing but an open mind and a packet of three in his pocket.
Russell smiled charmingly and revealed he had a loaded gun aimed at Morris' heart. Following this announcement, Morris agreed to happily focus the story towards the Bilurians without further comment.
Morris was determined to not only take on Doctor Who's unique formula of part one "flirtation", part two "threat", part three "foreplay" and part four "breaking up" with lots of libidinous characters, mind-numbingly escapable cliffhangers but to also write something with a point to it, something that would engage people's intelligence and intrigue the listener's brain.
The revelation that Russell had a knife strapped to his thigh ended that particular plan as well.
The original idea was for the Bilurians to send out a space ark to fondle another planet's species altogether, but this meant the Silly Lurians would need to be abandoned and that would be stupid.
Morris suggested a story about a group of time travelers arriving at the height of the Bilurian Empire – only to end it all when they step on a particularly stupid butterfly. This was ruled out because Morris honestly couldn't be arsed stealing Ray Bradbury's The Sound of Thunder any more after he'd used it in his Eighth Doctor Clockfaceaphobia.
Realizing that Bilurian stories had been done in the present and future, he could simply set his story in the past and forget such annoying trifles as plot originality or fiddly stuff like that.
Unfortunately, Morris then realized that he detested historical-based story with a burning passion not seen outside extremist fundamentalist groups. On top of that he had to have a story about horny aliens taking over the world AND keep it true to historical fact!
After another idea of the Bilurians running a brothel in Victorian London, with She Devils earning cash down at the docks of a Cornish fishing village, Morris found an old John Peel comic strip entitled The She Devil Is Deep, set in an out-of-the-way carpark.
Thus, Morris decided to set it in the middle of a nondescript town populated by three people that could easily be killed off by part four. As a historical element, Morris added Charles Darwin to the story. He couldn't be bothered researching the character at all and justified the anarchic, cider-swilling, gun-totting scientist in his story by "Well, does anyone actually care? I mean, you never met him – how the hell do you know what he was like? You just read a book with his name on the cover and assumed it was gospel! YOU SICKEN ME!!"
The original climax of the story involved Darwin's biker gang getting completely pissed and thus proving immune to the sultry charms of Serviette the Bilurian and the pet Macra (whose vocal growls were actually Rob Shearamn catchphrases played backwards).
Tragically, recording occurred on April Fool's Day – and countless retakes were needed as actors adlibbed, fluffed, flubbed, spat, sulked, lied and put waste paper bins on their heads.
See for example, this original script...
SCENE 80. OUTSIDE THE CONVENIENCE STORE
We hear her approaching footsteps.
EVELYN: (Muttering under her breath) So this is where all those people have been vanishing to. How terribly common. Now, where is the door? Here! That was easily. Lucky for me that there's no one on guard here. Still, I can't hang around here all -
SILLY LURIAN: Ape primitive! What are you doing here?!
...and compare it to the finished product.
SCENE 80. OUTSIDE THE CONVENIENCE STORE
We hear the sound of distant drums.
EVELYN: Ooh! A shoe emporium! Here it is – it's freaking enormous. Wonder why I missed it before. And look – a door! And it's unlocked. God, this is a piece of piss, isn't it?
SILLY LURIAN: Oh, grandma, what are you up to?
EVELYN: Oh fuck.
This intense sequence in episode four was written...
CHARLES: I doubt that a solitary soul would believe this. Even if I were to publish my ideas about descent with modification, it would bring ruin upon my shoulders. I cannot see a day when men will be prepared to accept that particular heresy.
DOCTOR: One day, they will, Charles. Give it time.
CHARLES: Not whilst there is religion in men's hearts and they are confirmed to prejudice. Not whilst they choose what to believe based on faith rather than facts. We assume that the abundance and grandeur of nature is validation enough of the Lord's existence. But to refuse that firm conviction, to deny God's hand, would bring about such condemnation... I would not dare to voice such an idea.
DOCTOR: One day. Maybe not more many decades, but one day the world will be ready for your ideas. And you will win the argument, Charles. Because rationalism will always succeed over superstition. Enlightenment will always defeat ignorance. All you need do is present the proof of your case and let the clear truth speak.
CHARLES: Perhaps, Doctor. I will mark your words. Perhaps, when I have collected enough evidence, I may be able to convince them.
DOCTOR: That sounds like an excellent plan.
CHARLES: Catholic girls on LSD love nuns who have bad habits!
DOCTOR: Protestant chicks get their kicks from downing groovy tablets!
CHARLES: The apostles were a really hip crew when Jesus was a dealer – they got high on living life while heaven got much nearer. In the garden of Gesthelamine, they took valium and fell asleep. Judas tried to kick the habit, got money for a loud mouth.
DOCTOR: But he wound up – as we found out – all hung up and strung out.
CHARLES: Thomas was a doubter who put his finger in the wounds while Bartolomew watched it all spaced out on mushrooms!
DOCTOR: Most everyone's on a trip these days, me I'm selling nothing. Love's the only drug I'm pushing – so PUSH! PUSH and shove LOVE down your throat! PUSH! PUSH and shove LOVE down your throat! Whooaaahh!!
Jac Raynor considered that this final scene might show the Doctor not taking religion as seriously as he should – however, Colin Baker is a great fan of the Doug Anthony All-Stars and if it went, so did he.
Morris was pleased, believing Mud Ride was a good old-fashioned Doctor Who story with scary relationships, mud-wrestling, loud orgasms and silly exploding turtles. True, there is the curious fact that the Bilurians built an underground base beneath a Cornish corner shop and the fact that there is now at least thirteen separate alien races claiming sole influence on the human race's evolution.
Also, like Paul Carnall's The Reservation of the Scourge, it gives us another catch all excuse to completely discharge our moral responsibilities. It's not our fault we've polluted and ruined the whole planet Earth - we wouldn't have done it if Toothpick the Bilurian hadn't genetically mutated our ancestors!
Well, that's what I tell Greenpeace, anyway.