Friday, January 1, 2010

9th Doctor - Aliens of London (i)

Serial 104 – Alias of London
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Slipstreams

"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."

Serial 104 – Alias of London -

{Previously on Doctor Who - Ruse}
Rose Tyler's boyfriend Mickey Smith has defeated the evil alien menace the Nestle Consciousness by eating it.
As Rose has strong view on pre-marital sex, Mickey decides to marry her in desperation for a shag.
Unfortunately, when Rose asks her life-long neighbor and apparent murder victim the Doctor to marry her to Mickey, he only hears the first part and promptly drags her aboard his dilapidated time machine as his ape-descended concubine.
{And now on Doctor Who – Alias of London}

EXCLUSIVE Extracts From The Fan Novelization Of "Alias of London" By Ewen Campion-Clarke Entitled "Doctor Who And The Dead Ringers Election Special" Which Was Panned By Outpost Gallifrey Users –
"Meanwhile, on the far side of the estate, close to the flat where Jackie Tyler lived, there was a wheezing, groaning sound. A blue police box materialized from nowhere.
A small, very pretty girl with shoulder-length blonde hair in a cool pink hoodie came out of the police box and stood looking cautiously about her. She was followed by a tall man with a buzz-cut hairstyle in a leather jacket looking disturbingly like Christopher Eccleston.
The blue box was in reality a highly unsophisticated space/time craft called the TARDIS.
The girl was called Rose Tyler and the tall man was not a drug pusher, second hand car dealer, council estate pikey or dosser but was really that oh-so mysterious traveler known as the Doctor.
He took one look around and began kicking the TARDIS angrily."

The Doctor is beside himself with fury at the TARDIS.

Out of all the planets in the entire created universe and any point in any of those planets' existence, the TARDIS has chosen to materialize outside Rose's flat mere hours after she left.

Rose returns home to greet her mother, telling the Doctor to get lost – she's not travelling with him again.

The Doctor starts kicking coke cans and swearing in an obscure Martian dialect until a flyer on a nearby telephone pole catches his eye - a missing-persons flyer with Rose's picture on it.

The Time Lord laughs evilly – Rose may be back home, but she's been gone for twelve MONTHS not twelve hours. He pats the TARDIS affectionately and heads for the flat, chuckling.


Parte The First

A boy on the estate, finding that the prick John Smith from number 23 has returned and left his blue box in the courtyard, spray-paints 'K9 RULES!' on the police box and cycles off.

Meanwhile, Jackie has got PC Hollis round to not only take Rose Tyler off the missing-presumed-dead list but also to get the truth out of the creepy neighbor who doesn't age a day and also mysteriously disappeared with Rose in one of those 'window-dummy-rampages' that are so common in Cardiff nowadays.

"As Jackie raged back and forth and Rose covered in her comfy chair, the Doctor took out his five-hundred-year diary and flipped to his roughly sketched bingo game 'Where Have You BEEN, Young Lady?' which he had drawn up over his various encounters with female companion's mothers throughout the ages.
From the Chaplettes to the McShanes to the Pollards, there weren't many accusations that hadn't been thrown at the Doctor. Indeed, on occasion some of them weren't even true.
'The hours I've sat here! Days and weeks and months! All on my own! I thought you were dead!'
Two down, the Doctor thought.
'And where were you? Travelling! What the hell does that mean? 'Travelling'? That's no sort of answer, is it! Your passport is still in the drawer!!'
'I meant to phone,' Rose insisted. 'I really did. I just forgot.'
'FOR A YEAR?!? YOU FORGOT – FOR A YEAR!?!?! And I'm left sitting here!'
Hmmm, already got that one. Jackie was repeating herself.
'I just don't believe you – why won't you tell me where you've been?!'
One more to go, the Doctor thought, as he realized that Jackie had rounded on him now. 'And YOU, Johnny! You walk in here, all charm and smiles and death threats, and she vanishes off the face of the Earth!'
The cliché was all the Doctor needed. 'Bingo!' he cried.
'I bet you're not even a doctor!' Jackie screamed.
'I am a Doctor!' the Time Lord protested. 'A doctor of botany, tai chi and freehand drawing at the Gallifreyan College of the Uncertain Soldier! I took evening classes, you know.'
'Did you pass?' Rose asked.
'That's not the point, I *am* a doctor!'
'Prove it!' Jackie snapped, picking up a beer bottle. 'Stitch this!'
That single action would have won a 'Where Have You BEEN, Young Lady?' game on its own. The Doctor ducked and Jackie fell back into the arms of the fifteen police officers PC Hollis had whistled up.
'Jackie Tyler, I'm arresting you for attempted assault – AND wasting police time,' he said, reciting her rights before the police dragged her out of the room kicking and screaming.
The Doctor slipped three thick, golden octagons into the policeman's pocket. Gold was one of the commonest metals on Psion B, which is why the Doctor had strip-mined it one afternoon with C'Rizz and Charley.
'Thanks for this, Reg,' the Doctor said.
'No problem, Doctor,' PC Hollis replied with a smile."

In the Doctor's old apartment, where he lay in wait for twenty years in order to try and assassinate Rose, a spiky-haired Scotsman in plaid is making out with a brunette on the sofa when the Doctor and Rose arrive at the front door.

The Scotsman swears and bundles the brunette into a police box parked in the corner. "Why the hell did I ever agree to a time-share... with myself?" he bitches before entering the police box as well.

The Doctor and Rose enter moments after the box has vanished, and Rose ponders how to deal with having unwittingly traumatized her mother. "Maybe I should take her out?" Rose suggests.

The Doctor chuckles and whispers to Rose, "Yeah... make it look like an accident."

"No," says Rose patiently. "I mean: take her out... to dinner."

"Oh," says the Doctor, embarrassed.

There follows a rather awkward silence that only ends when an alien
spacecraft sputters overhead and careens wildly across the skyline, belching smoke.

The Doctor does not recognize the ship but, worryingly, Rose can – it's the alien space ship from Monty Python's Life of Brian which is demolishing Big Ben and crashing into the River Thames.

The United Nation Ice Tea (UNIT) division, a spooky X-Files-style conspiracy army with the real name World Allied Nations Killingforce (WANK), is on maneuvers in Central London. Under the command of Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, the infamous cross-dressing reincarnation of King Arthur, they cordon off the crash site until the pilot of the UFO can be breathalized.

Rose suggests they get passed the gridlocked streets to the crash site by the TARDIS but the Doctor refuses – he doesn't want to attract the wrong sort of attention by materializing the TARDIS near the Brigadier. He also flatly refuses to discus why, or reveal just what SORT of relationship he shares with the insane military officer.

Instead, the Doctor decides to get back into his human habits of ordering pizza and watching TV.

However, the Doctor's enjoyment of taking the piss out of Andrew Marr and Tom Hitchingson as they report the news is curtailed when a bunch of Jackie's friends and neighbors turn up. Having lived on the estate for 20 years, the Doctor has amassed a vast number of residents he owes money and lawnmowers to and the Time Lord finds himself inundated with humans wanting to discuss Rose, UFO crashes and Blue Peter.

When a young boy steals the remote and tries to watch the teletubbies, the Doctor fly-kicks him in the head and leaves his apartment. He goes to Rose's now deserted flat and begins to empty the fridge and watch TV in peace.

UNIT/WANK divers find the driver of the UFO and drag it from the wreck. Appallingly drunk and with a blood-alcohol reading of 5.4, the Brigadier orders this alcoholic alien asshole to be taken to Albion Hospital to be sobered up and given an anal probe by Dr. Sarah Sato, a rather angry ex-abductee.

Together with Sergeant Benton, the Brigadier and Sato lift the sheet covering the body. Benton takes one look at the alien pilot's appearance and runs out of the room, screaming in terror.

The alien is a Time-Bandits-style pig-man in a space suit.

"What's up with Benton?" Sato asks, confused.

"Oh, never mind him, Sato," the Brigadier replies. "He's just going through a bit of a Jewish phase. Beastly luck. Still, best keep the alien out of sight until the expert arrives. And don't let the squaddies hear of this – last time an alien space pig arrived on Earth, it vanished mysteriously and the platoon had free bacon rolls for a month. Liberty hall, Sato! LIBERTY HALL!!"

The Brigadier leaves, doing a chicken impression and Sato boggles.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Tony Blair has vanished since the state of emergency was declared – which explains the unusual efficiency of the government in this state of crisis.

Improving the situation considerably is the fact that, due to the gridlock and the grounding of flights, most of the Cabinet have been stranded outside central London. Thus, John Prescot – flatulent and incomprehensible lard-arse - has unexpectedly become the acting Prime
Minister of the United Kingdom.

He seems to be having difficulty handling the pressure, and has started screaming about 'the X-ray storms of Vega' and 'the great Parrot of Hades' in casual conversation, as what sounds like a plate of Mexican re-fried beans navigates its way out of his digestive system.

Junior secretary Kevin tries to brief Prescot, but the acting PM just breaks wind and shouts "Devil storms, Mr. Nein! Get me the emergency protocols to be followed in case of alien incursion, or I'll have that skull off you!"

Together with the equally rotund M of MI5 and Oliver Charles, Transport Liaison, Prescot heads into the Cabinet office to discuss the situation... but once there, Prescot starts using the booklet for a paper plane competition.

Night falls over London, and the Doctor is holding a massive rave party in Jackie's flat. As David Bowie's Starman howls in the background, the Doctor decides things are chaotic enough for him to slip out and escape in the TARDIS. The first official contact with alien life is something the human race can and must be left to handle on its own, cause he sure has hell has wasted enough of his life dealing with the UNOFFICIAL ones.

Giving up on Rose, he tries to leave without being noticed but, damn it, she spots him and demands he not leave without her – she wants him to use his freaky Time Lord powers to rewrite history and allow her to return to her mum before she left and save her from this heartache.

The Doctor promises that he is just going for a walk on the estate. "Cross my heart and hope to die," he says and, to prove it, hands her the key to the TARDIS.

Mollified, she returns to the flat – and the Doctor heads straight to
the TARDIS, laughing at the fact he got a sack-full of fake TARDIS keys off a Draconian during a game of cards.

Mickey Smith emerges from his flat, stoned out of his gourd and butt naked, throwing a bundle of cash at the Lithuanian prostitutes he ordered to celebrate First Contact.

He then catches sight of the TARDIS and, now convinced he is a superhero known only as The Berk, puts on some pants and climbs down the drainpipe to the ground level to confront the Time Lord.

"Mickey/The Berk landed on the balls of his feet and turned around to see the Doctor unlock the door to the TARDIS, whistling along to 'Starman' as he did so.
'Infidel!' Mickey/The Berk yelled. 'Cease and desist!'
The Doctor turned and looked up. Flipping the superhero the bird, he darted inside the TARDIS and slammed the police box door closed.
A wheezing, groaning noise began as the light atop the TARDIS began to flash on and off. The square blue shape of the TARDIS faded away into nothingness before Mickey/The Berk's astonished/super eyes.
The TARDIS had vanished.
The Doctor was off on a new adventure – to get a new companion!
Mickey/The Berk, unable to stop his super-momentum, careened straight through the place the TARDIS has stood and managed to race up the side of the wall and back-flipped neatly onto the ground.
He then collapsed and started vomiting uncontrollably."

Meanwhile, at 10 Downing Street, back-bencher Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North is complaining very noisily she doesn't give a crap if the question of whether or not humanity is alone in the universe has been answered or the Prime Minister is missing – she had an afternoon appointment and she is going to have it.

Kevin refuses to interrupt Prescot's important meeting for her minor concerns and Harriet responds by crushing his testicles and leaving him a sobbing wreck on the floor.

When Prescot, Margaret and Oliver emerge from the Cabinet office, Harriet explains to Prescot that she's come up with a scheme by which cottage hospitals don't have to be excluded from centres of excellence.

"By the triple hound of death, Ms. Jones! Have some damn perspective!" Prescot laughs in her face and walks off with the others.

Harriet, nettled, kicks open the doors to Cabinet office and decides to wreck the room. Man, that chick has issues.

Slightly concussed but far more sober, Mickey (no longer believing himself to have super-powers) drops in on the happening party in the Tylers' flat, and is furious to see Rose sitting with the rest of his neighbors.

Rose apologizes for not visiting him by playing a voicemail recording of her apology to her mother for not visiting her. Unsurprisingly, this is not nearly good enough for Mickey; when she disappeared with no explanation, Mickey was nearly charged with her murder. He's been questioned five times in the past year, and worse, he never even got to de-flower Rose. Heh. He now demands that Rose shag him; she might as well, because the Doctor's gone without her.

Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor struggles to control the flight by whacking the controls with a small sledgehammer in order to make his ship do what he wants. If he ever thinks about the connection between smashing the console with stuffing up the navigation system, he doesn't show it as he hurls abuse at the time machine.

Finally, the TARDIS materializes and the Doctor emerges to find a new companion, one that will respect his authority and put out. However, he has arrived in a storeroom in Albion Hospital as space-pig comes to life and fights its way out of the mortuary, snorting.

The Doctor leaves the storeroom and walks straight into a group of
soldiers on tea break who immediately pick up their guns. The Doctor grins inanely at them and swears very loudly.

Back in 10 Downing Street, Harriet hears voices approaching the Cabinet office and hides in a nearby closet, ready to leap out and attack Prescot first chance she gets.

The Brigadier enters with Prescot, M and Oliver, berating Prescot for his appalling lack of leadership, organization and fashion sense. He then calls him a fat, flatulent bastard and gets Benton to use UNIT's emergency powers to place London after martial law.

Prescot, shocked, insists that they are cool and responsible and stuff like that. If the Brigadier continues to let them control the country they can make it worth his while.

The Brigadier demands to know how they intend to do this – and, as Harriet watches in horror from hiding - Prescot, M and Oliver unzip their foreheads to reveal their true alien forms to the startled Brigadier.

"Jackpot!" the soldier grins...

Parte The Second

Surrounded by troops the Doctor wracks his brain and comes up with the code-command which allows badly-dressed anarchists with police boxes to commandeer any UNIT platoon for his own ends. He then discovers that the space-pig is on the rampage, squealing and honking in terror.

At the Doctor's order, WANK Corporal Palmer, shoots the pig through the eyes. The Time Lord admits to Sato that the creature was just scared but he found the thing pretty creepy.

"Besides," he adds, "I love the smell of bacon in the morning."

Sato explains that while the pig was actually a normal Earth pig, it was augmented by alien technology to make it look and act more alien. Which is insane – unless those who set this up are actually aliens, or at least themselves augmented by aliens. Which they aren't. Are they?

At this point Sato realizes the Doctor left several minutes ago, deciding she was too confusing to be a replacement for Rose.

The Doctor sets the TARDIS for Aldebaran III, but instead manages to return to the Cardiff estate in front of Mickey, Rose and the rather bewildered Jackie. The Time Lord smacks his forehead, remembering the fake TARDIS key he gave Rose also doubles as a tracking device that overrides what little control he has on the time machine.

It looks like he'll have to stay on Earth and sort out this stupid plot-line after all.

The Doctor is even more irritated when Jackie and Mickey walk into the TARDIS behind Rose, and as Mickey angrily accuses the Doctor of ruining his sex life, Jackie stares about in shock and bolts out of the ship to sell her story to the newspapers.

The Doctor decides to call Mickey 'Dickhead' and explains via the TARDIS' half-arsed power-point presentation that the alien ship was launched from Cardiff fifteen minutes before it crash-landed in London and has thus been faked by other aliens.

Rose tries to convince Mickey that she did miss him and she might even be prepared for pre-marital fondling after her adventures with the Doctor. Mickey tells her that he spent the whole year looking for her, and that he never dated anyone else. He saw a heap of prostitutes, but he swears this doesn't count as not only was he thinking of her the whole time he was also playing hard to get.

Meanwhile, Jackie rings the emergency alien hotline number and, after negotiating a deal for a cool 10 grand, blurts out her story, claiming that her daughter is in danger because of an alien called 'the Doctor' who travels in a 'blue box' called the 'TARDIS'. These key words trigger an automated alert – RED ALERT: TIME TRAVELING S.O.B. DETECTED! - which Kevin receives at 10 Downing Street.

Kevin informs Prescot, the Brigadier and M that the automated surveillance software has detected someone the penultimate expert
in extra-terrestrial affairs – the Doctor. The Brigadier claims this is some software glitch and they don't need the Doctor, but the ULTIMATE expert in extra-terrestrial affairs – Patrick Moore.

Refusing to take 'no' for an answer, Kevin presses a red button marked 'Do Not Press' and within seconds police, soldiers and helicopters surround the TARDIS. After about two hours, the Doctor, Rose and Mickey emerge, planning to explore the crash site and nick anything salvageable.

Mickey panics and dives into a garbage bin, but Rose shouts after him that it is an ordinary bin and no plastic monsters can save them now. The Doctor and Rose are not being arrested, but being escorted to 10 Downing Street. However, under express orders from the Brigadier, they are beaten, blindfolded, tied up, beaten again and handcuffed to the back of a taxi cab.

Benton can only say, "Sorry Doc. But he's in a bitch of a mood after the whole Sunnydale incident."

The Doctor admits to Rose that he's encountered Lethbridge-Stewart a lot, and these days, his arrival tends to be noticed. More specifically, the last time he encountered the Brigadier, events (including a psychotic seal pub, a vampire slayer, a dimensional rift and Charley Pollard) conspired to end their friendship forever.

After fifteen minutes mindless padding of the Doctor and Rose waving at the press and posing for the paparazzi, they enter the seat of government with the visiting experts – Dr. Samantha Carter, Patrick Moore, Graeme Garden, Bernard Quatermass and Team America World Police.

Kevin hands out ID cards to the experts and the Doctor, but not Rose, who doesn't have sufficient security clearance. Harriet offers to take care of Rose while the Doctor is busy, and escorts her out into the
hall – and explains that the government have been infiltrated by the worst possible creatures known to the human mind.

Oh, and she found Tony Blair's corpse in the cupboard.

The Doctor walks into the briefing room, rips up the agenda and immediately picks out the most important point. Before the Brigadier can take this leather-clad thug to task and begin the briefing properly, the Doctor points out that he has a secret and refuses to tell anyone what it is.

It suddenly occurs to Samantha Carter that everyone who could have investigated the crash is currently in this room - the crash isn't just a distraction; it was a trap!

The Doctor retorts that Carter is just trying to divert attention away from him because, he claims, she "fears his beauty". As he speaks, Prescot passes wind loudly, and when the Doctor turns on him for the interruption, the Brigadier snaps and shouts:


Outside, M strolls into the office behind Rose, Harriet and Kevin and admits that she murdered Blair that morning. Why? Does it matter why? M then closes the door, unzips her forehead and removes her skin-suit...

At the exact moment, back at the flat, Jackie is being questioned by this week's celebrity police commissioner David Beckham, who announces that he is there to deal with trouble and kick footballs, and he don't see any footballs around here. He unzips his forehead and removes his skin-suit...

Simultaneously, John Prescot also happens to be unzipping his forehead and removes his skin-suit to reveal his true form...

The aliens' true forms are now revealed; they are the Slitheen! Drop-dead-gorgeous, big-breasted peroxide blonde quantum space babes with green eyes and extremely skimpy space underwear!!

In the council estate, the blonde babe that was Beckham advances on the terrified Jackie.

In the Cabinet office, the blonde babe that was Margaret Blaine grabs Kevin by the throat and smothers him with her bosom as the horrified Harriet and Rose watch.

And in the briefing room, the Brigadier activates the charges in the delegates' ID cards, electrocuting every one of the gathered alien

"Pain rippled through his body like an epileptic belly-dancer, blinding him. He'd always suspected looking at a babe that cute would make him lose his eye sight. Suddenly, his knees collided with the rug, the blunt impact jogging his mind.
It also left him at groin level with the quantum space babe.
Oh God, they'd walked into a trap. Where was Rose? And why wasn't she wearing a skirt that short? WHY?
He knew he'd had a reason for insisting she follow him into the room. Yeah, to show off to that snooty cow Sam Carter in the corner. Frigid whore. Tiny needles of agony rippled through his muscles, reminding him that he'd let ANOTHER alien race destroy a planet he hung around.
Gallifrey... Earth... That left Alpha Centauri next in his address book. Still, that Ossbossian soul-killer was good for loosening lips. And hips. And cleaning drains for some reason.
His fingers were numbed, but they crept inside his pocket. His grasp on the metal cylinder was shaky.
And Rose. Did she keep a metal cylinder like this for use on special occasions? Like Prom Night? Or Armageddon?
His grip on her was shaky, but better than Ricky's.
Screwing his eyes shut, he activated the sonic screwdriver.
It wasn't over.
He had a good six adventures left in him yet.
Didn't he?"

The Brigadier bursts out laughing. "Reverse the polarity on THAT, you wanker!" he shouts at the twitching Doctor.

Next Time...
"Yesterday saw the start of a brave new world -- and today might see it end as Auldous Huxley's lawyers are out for our blood!"
"Oi! You want cheesy nibbles? You got em! They're inside Downer Street! COME ON!"
"Planet Earth is at war, by all the flaming moons of Heretes! Moons of madness! By the beard, gnarled fingers and horny elbow of the Sky Demon, humanity is surely fucked!!!"
"Everybody run! JON PRESCOT'S GONNA BLOW!"
"Who exactly are the Slitheen?"
"They're aliens!"
"Yes, Harriet. I had gathered that. Now shut it!"
"I could save the world – but would Rose respect me in the morning?"
...Alias of London...uh, again...

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