9th Doctor - Rose (ii)

Links and References -
This show is connected to a TV series also entitled Doctor Who, which ran from 1963 to 1989. I know. Weird, huh?


Untelevised Misadventures -
The Ninth Doctor's whistle tour of history includes watching JFK get shot from Deeley Plaza, attending the filming of Titanic and crashing the genuine article in 1912, and getting his own line of Manga comics.

"The assembled hordes of Genghis Khan couldn't get though the TARDIS door and believe me, they've tried! OK, a couple of Mongol foot soldiers DID sort of break in during that stopover in Kiev, but that was different. Dodo left the door open, the silly bitch."


K9 Conspiracy -
In a trend leading up to the series finale, each episode of the series contains references to K9.

In this episode, Clive wears a "K9's Bitches" T-shirt and the Nestle screams the words "K9!" upon seeing the TARDIS in the corner of the warehouse.


Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -

The Doctor complains to Rose about how the bulk of people on Earth simply live their lives eating, sleeping and working, not caring
about anything outside of this simple, Darwinian daily round, or looking for anything different.
At the end of the story, the Doctor offers Rose a choice to come with him, in which the alternative is staying at home, finding a new job in a shop or hospital canteen, taking care of her unintelligent mother and ungrateful boyfriend, and, significantly, she very nearly accepts the second option rather than look for adventure.
The story is thus a wake-up call to people who aren't living up to their full potential, or who are not willing to have their preconceptions shaken up or to look beyond the obvious.
Especially blondes.


Groovy DVD Extras –
A completely new opening sequence to the series...

{To a rhythmic ticking, sub-atomic particles wheel and spin, interlocking with each other and continuing the dance...}
Doctor: (VO) Time. Space. Atoms. Molecules. John Travolta. The very stuff of the universe. Everything fits together so perfectly doesn't it? Like some huge machine beyond understanding. YOUR understanding, of course, not mine. I'm bloody brilliant, I am. You, on the other hand, could look at the workings of the universe for a thousand years and not know anything about it but this: it's dead sexy.
{We pull out seeing the dance repeated with molecules which mesh
and merge as they move...}
Doctor: (VO) You know what the odds are of a particular sun forming in a particular galaxy; and a particular ball of mud with all the right ingredients being caught in its gravity. Of the right amino acids meeting and settling down together in the subarbs of the primordial slime; of millions of years of evolution happening just so and of your parents finding each other out of six billion people on their planet. Are you jammy or what?
{We pull out further and the molecules begin to look like bubbles which then blend together into an image of cogs and gears moving slowly against one another.}
Doctor: (VO) Sexy. Life is sexy. You are sexy. Everyone of you. But not YOU, you ugly bastard, sit back down again!
{Now we pass by the gears and cogs and out of the face of an alarm clock. Which goes off. Loudly. Rose jerks awake, checks the clock and groans. Rose likes like an extra from a zombie movie. She tries to pull on a pair of jeans, but stumbles going tits over arse onto the floor.}
Rose: Shit.
Doctor: (VO) This is Rose Tyler. Maybe it's irrational of me, but she's QUITE my favorite desert topping...



Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I was aghast when I found out all the fans thought the wheelie bin burping was 'funny'! Well, buster, when was the last time YOU swallowed a human being whole and didn't feel a bit gassy afterwards?!"



Viewer Quotes -

"A slick opening episode mixing the best from the opening stories for the first and third Doctors. Eccleston and Piper make great cocktails, but the sudden jarring end as Rose vomits on the TARDIS isn't quite the best cliffhanger moment. The Auton invasion is fantastic until we learn they are only doing this out of 'polymer envy'. A reasonable start."
- Ewen Campion-Clarke's Unnervingly Accurate Predictions (2004)


"The fact that the Doctor was present at the Kennedy assassination made me want to kick my television in. Fictional time travelers have shown up on that fucking grassy knoll so often over the years, there's probably a waiting list for temporal tourists to get in! When will people realize that Kennedy shot himself?!"
- Frustrated Red Dwarf fan (2006)


"I can't believe it! That police box is far too squat to be the TARDIS! And it's a bit taller and thinner. The windows are too brightly lit! That's it! None of this stupid series is canon!"
- Denis Brent (2005)


"The tone of the story, like Eccleston's Doctor, lurches wildly. Like an inebriated stilt walker without falling completely on flat on its face. His arse, maybe, but never the face. In short? Compared to "An Unruly Child" it was utter CRAP!"
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2005)


"Ultimately, Ruse is a serviceable introduction to the family audiences, hopefully paving the way for deeper, more naughty stories later in the season. The real cause for optimism is Billie Piper – the only woman sexier than India Fisher. Who saw this coming, cause I sure as hell didn't! But I'm afraid that unless Rose bares her tits by episode 2 that the show is not going to make it! As for Rose's mother, well I can't even begin to describe her. There aren't enough negative adjectives in the world to successfully capture the sheer awfulness of her performance. She didn't even strip!!"
– Nigel Verkoff (2005)


"The kids are gonna totally flip over Eccleston. He's going to be an intergalactic pied piper inviting millions of child television viewers to join him on his voyage every week. And when he ditches them next year, there'll be a triple increase in suicide rates. Hahaha."
- Sadistic Sci-Fi Supplement (2004)


"Christopher Eccleston was certainly an odd choice for the role of Doctor Who. We asked his private brain care specialist, Gag Halfrunt, his opinion in the matter – 'Vell, Chris is just zis guy, you know?'"
- Dave Restal trying to be cool (2006)


"A companion so annoying you want to smash their head in with a beer bottle and is only capable of one really irritating facial expression? Check. Irritating and annoying music that drowns out the dialogue and just seems vaguely absurd? Check. A Doctor whose lines seem totally incomprehensible? Check. Reusing old monsters? Check. Incredibly dull action sequences where not much actually happens, but everyone rolls their eyes a lot? Check. A totally crap monster voiced by Nick Briggs? Check. Going out onto the streets and randomly kidnapping passing strangers to be minor characters instead of employing people who can actually act? Check. Not much actual story? Check. Yup, this is Doctor Who all right." – DIY Sheep (2005)


"What crap. Now, if *I* was writing the first episode, it'd be classy. The Doctor (a Peter Cushing lookalike) would saves Omigod from the space-time vortex, and Lavros makes an appearance as a extra during one of the Bastard's 'carnival' scenes and there would be lots of flashback to Head from Ace and Error of the Autons until the Time Lords appoint the Doctor as Savior of the Universe. Also, it turns out that Rose is 'Romana', but with a different spelling. Tell me THAT wouldn't work!"
- Gay Russell (2004)


"A new series of Doctor Who? It's a trap! Christopher Eccleston is not the Doctor – it's Kenneth Brannah, and there has to be at least two seasons featuring Paul McGann! None of this series is canon – it's written by a poofter, set in Wales and features a companion with an IQ higher than a grape! This is nothing but a mass hallucination! And that's correct! WE'RE correct! AGAIN!"
- eyeofsauros.com.uk (2005)


Paul McGann Speaks!
"I think it's high time that Doctor Who be a woman – and that's not just because I didn't want the job myself. There is nothing in the stories to say that the Doctor can't be female, and anyone who says otherwise is a communist sympathizer. For far too long the Doctor has been played as a very heavy, melancholic man with Victorian gravitas and a tendency towards pedophilia. The Ninth Doctor shouldn't be just the usual white male, but a highly intelligent and gorgeous Amazon – Diana Rigg, Rachel Stirling, Maggie Smith, James Nesbitt ANYONE! EXCEPT FUCKING ME!!!!"


Billie Piper Speaks!
"No comment. Now get out of my garbage bin."


Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"I'm very excited – it's one of the proudest moments of my career. I'm a fan of the series and the author. The character is unlike anything I've ever done. I'm fascinated by his origins and I want to honor his beginnings and bring something new. I'm gonna give James Bond some real groove and forget all about Doctor bloody Who."


Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I missed the first episode screening. Ant and Dec was on."


Trivia –
By cutting a scene where the Doctor uses a £10,000 note to light his cigar, RTD was able to save £10,000 and not harm the plot one iota.


Rumors & Facts -

Doctor Who was re-commissioned by the BBC at the behest of BBC1 Controller Lorraine Heggessy. Heggessy, a power-crazed ruthless bitch, had seized control of the corporation in a bloody coup and now planned to replace her sacrificed mercenaries with a fresh army of sci-fi fans – and all was needed was to make a new series of Doctor Who.

This plan for world domination was delayed by two years as a Doctor Who movie had been on the cards with BBC Films, who wanted their own private army of scarf-wearing fanatics.

Chosen at random to be executive producer of the new series of Russell 'Terror of the Bygones' Davies, who had been forced to create new and diverse TV series since fandom disowned him for his 1996 New Adventure Domaged Goods was been panned for being nothing more than excuse to set a story with a Tyler family in a housing estate, trick Chris Cwej into experimenting with bisexuality and the terrible menace of the 'Moxx B'.

Since then RTD had created Queer as Fans (an autobiographical account of RTD's experience with fandom), Bob and Rose (about a gay time traveler who seduces a woman called Rose Tyler), Mine All Mine (about a fan writer who gets to control his favorite TV series) and The Second Coming (where Christopher Eccleston appeared as a godlike figure with worldwide followers who announced his departure from life one week after his first television appearance).

The series was commissioned as eight 45-minute episodes to be produced by John Satan-Turner, but RTD managed to haggle upwards to thirteen produced by Phil Collinson. Then, in a fit of pique, inserted cliffhangers half way through each episode, making every story a two parter. In another bid to gain control of fandom, Heggessy agreed to show the story on Saturday evenings.

RTD ordered a media black out on plot details, mainly because his ideas were regularly being denounced as shite. His opening story for the season, Planet of the Garms introducing the Ninth Doctor (who wore a bee-keepers outfit and was accompanied by a talking cat) was met with a less than enthusiastic receptions by fellow executive producers Mal Young, BBC Controller of Continuing Drama Series, and Julie Gardner, Head of Drama and Sheep for BBC Wales.

RTD, in a flash of originality, scrapped the talking cat idea and replaced it with a blonde teenager answering to the name of Rose Tyler. He also decided to scrap the angle of the Doctor being marooned in contemporary Cardiff and decided to ignore the fact the entire series was set there and hope no one else would notice. An explanation for why the Doctor can't seen to escape Wales is found in the Big Finish story 'Cardiff' starring the Eighth Doctor as played by Paul McGann.

The series was taking shape, with the pink-shirt and chiffon-scarf wearing Doctor and Rose Tyler facing off the Dustbins and their evil overload, a being known only as the Moxx of Baloon. Unfortunately, rights to Dustbins fell through and Sir Derek Jacobi wasn't going to fall for the casting trick again.

By now, the series was focussed on the Ninth Doctor (wearing a 1940s suit and a long coat) teaming up with Rose Tyler, World War 2 fighter pilot who once traveled with the Richard E Grant Doctor in Bessie, which could now travel through time and space. The first story, directed by Graham Harper, would revolve around the Dustbins being killed off by a race of invisible spider beings called the Ak-Ountants that run at the speed of sound. The second involved the Moxx of Baloon, an evil scarecrow eating the flesh of babies; the third was a musical set during the eruption of Pompeii; and the fourth was a Hitchhiker Guide to the Galaxy parody written around the lyrics of a Carpenters song featuring a giant mutant star goat.

It was decided at this point that getting RTD to pen the entire season was not so much a bad idea but preferable to a night of passion with Hannibal Lector.

Thus, Paul Abbot, Charlie Higson, J.K. Rowling and a bunch of sad Doctor Who fans were rounded up by Mal Young with electric cattle prods, but all bar the Who fans managed to escape. Helen Raynor and Elwen Rowlands were brought in under armed guard and ordered to become script editors or die trying.

Luckily, after much soul searching, hostage situations and throwing of darts into resumes, RTD decided to cast Christopher Eccleston as the ninth incarnation of the Doctor. When one of the tabloids claimed they had managed to predict this, RTD took offence and, despite the protestations of the production team decided to suit the entire TV series to suit said rag's predictions.

This lead to the casting of Billie Piper as Rose Tyler and a story about Joan of Arc starring Audrey Tautou and Alfred Molina. The latter story was ultimately abandoned when the scripts and contracts were commandeered by the special effects team.

Fans of India Fisher lead by the Godhead Nigel Verkoff, fought valiantly for her inclusion in the TV show as Charley Pollard, Rose Tyler, or 'heck bloody anyone'... at least until nude photos of Billie became available on the net.

As Michael Grade stole the seat of BBC Chairman in a desperate attempt to stop Lorraine Heggessy's plan to take over the planet Earth, RTD sorted through a heap of prospective logos and found one that did not scream the 1960s, Alien, Open University, Light Entertainment or Angel.

It was the Farscape logo. After changing the letters F A R S C A P E to D O C T O R * W H O, RTD took the afternoon off and said that he couldn't be arsed thinking about costume designs and told Eccleston and Piper to wear their casual clothes to work.

A similar method created the theme music for the series. Instead of a conventional title sequence to herald the introduction, it was decided that every episode would begin with Rose attending a Slipknot concert when the band begin firing machine guns into the crowd. Rose runs out in terror as the band play the theme music.

Luckily, such a title sequence was already on the website http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/slipknotmassacre/index.shtml and used on desktops throughout 2001.

After finding a TARDIS prop at the BBC canteen, recording began on the first story of the new series, The Plastic Fantastic Menace. By cut and pasting whole wadges of script from An Unruly Child, Head from Ace and the 1996 telemovie – not to mention the contents of his out tray, RTD was able to script the first episode in under three hours.

However, the script itself went through a number of stages. The first draft had the Eighth Doctor making a bit of a scene when he is caught breaking into the Police Recruitment Week display police box believing it to be the TARDIS – especially as he was hoping to escape in there with the pile of clothes and candy he has just shoplifted.

He bumps into shop assistant Rose Tyler and gets invited to her party along with Clive the loan shark – who is killed in his first scene when his free LeNest mobile box brutally smothers him. This causes a great amount of tasteless jokes at Rose's party, mainly made by the Doctor and Mickey before the former announces that this is a Nestle invasion and head back to loot department stores as window dummies go on the rampage. Rose follows out of a mixture of curiosity, concern and narrative convenience.

The denouement is the Doctor ripping off an Auton's arm and mentally head-butting the Nestle Consciousness by bombarding it with nudie pictures. The day is saved and the Doctor fakes spraining his ankle in order to lure Rose into the TARDIS and kidnap her.

When it became apparent Paul McGann would not be returning for the TV series, the script had to be reformatted for a new Doctor.

The script now began with the Doctor (who we do not see clearly) stealing his new leather bondage outfit from the back of Plastic Fantastic while Rose deals with the abuse of violent junkie Mickey and her sad alcoholic mother, who turned to drink ever since her late husband allowed some passing nutter to use their garage to park a police box.

As Mickey takes a hit of coke and watches a purple meteor storm, the Doctor returns to Jackie's place to reclaim the TARDIS. Rose and Jackie have been called to the hospital (Mickey has had an overdose). The Doctor enters the TARDIS and discovers that he will have to change to unleaded petrol as Gallifrey has been destroyed.

Meanwhile, the Nestle Consciousness turns Mickey into an Auton using the Nestle cocaine he has been snorting and sets the window dummies on a murderous rampage, kill absolutely everyone and rule the galaxy.

This plot was abandoned as being 'a bit of a bummer' and the final draft was used by tearing up pages of the previous two drafts plus a pile of BBC Eighth Doctor Adventures and transcribing the heap that remained on the floor.

In fact, more time was spent discussing the name of the episode than recording it – should the story stay The Plastic Fantastic Menance or perhaps the punchier Auton-omy For The People? The fancy The Polymers of Doom or simply Hard Plastic?

For a while, despite the risk of incurring even MORE wrath from the annoyed fan base, RTD decided to leave every single story untitled. Not only would this give him a longer lunch it would also save costs on title captions.

When it became clear that RTD and only RTD actually knew which story was for each episode, RTD renamed the first story "The Amazing New Adventures of Doctor Who: the Last of the Time Lords from The Journeys of Rose Tyler Being a Fantastical Tale of a Young Earth Wanderer and Interplanetary Explorer within The Environs of A Gentleman's TARDIS Part One: Act One - The Young Miss Tyler is Caught Up in an Exciting Adventure with Marauding Mannequins in a Boutique" and the second "The Amazing New Adventures of Doctor Who: the Last of the Time Lords from The Journeys of Rose Tyler Being a Fantastical Tale of a Young Earth Wanderer and Interplanetary Explorer within The Environs of A Gentleman's TARDIS Part Two: Act One - The Young Miss Tyler Suffers A Case of Mistaken Identity at a Five-Star Space Restaurant."

RTD claimed that he knew that these titles were far too long and convoluted and that the whole debate had just been a ruse to gain attention. This, the episode was titled Ruse with bitter laughter.

Serious promotional efforts on the part of the BBC began in earnest when the production office realized that the first teaser trailer had been lost on the BBC's Doctor Who website a month earlier, found it and released it.

(Space. The Moon. Slow pan to see the Earth. Caption appears, letter by letter:
"IT'S ALMOST TIME..."
Camera suddenly crash zooms through the clouds, plunging towards Wales
THE DOCTOR (V.O.): I'm the Doctor by the way. What's your name?
ROSE (V.O.): Rose.
THE DOCTOR (V.O.): Nice to meet you, Rose. Run for your life!
ROSE (V.O.): What are you doing with that chainsaw?!
She screams. Theme tune (Pertwee) crashes in, followed by the logo
A darkly-lit street. The TARDIS stands under a street light, wreathed in fog. As we watch, the TARDIS dematerializes. Caption appears, letter by letter:
"...BUT NOT YET. HAHA! SUCKERS!")


Additional teasers followed:


(Shots of the Doctor escaping a horde of rampaging fans ala "A Hard Day's Night" by diving into the ladies toilet. Elsewhere, the Doctor is slowly stripping in the TARDIS.)
DOCTOR: D'you wanna sleep with me? Cause if you do, then I should warn you. You're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past. Aliens from the future. The day the Earth died in a ball of flame. It won't be quiet. It won't be safe. And it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be. The trip of a lifetime!
(We Rose is sitting in the bed before the Doctor, unimpressed.)
ROSE: Whatever. Shall I go on top?
(We see various euphemistic images as Time Lord screws Earth girl – the camera zooming on Wales, close ups of St. Paul's cathedral, a rocket taking off, a horse-drawn carriage going into a tunnel, a missile being fired, a chained-up Dustbin, the Hiroshima blast)
(The Doctor lies asleep in the bed. Rose is reading a book.)
ROSE: "Trip of a lifetime" my arse.


...and...


(The Doctor and Rose stand outside the TARDIS.)
ROSE: I've got a choice. Stay at home with my mum... my boyfriend... my job. Or chuck it all in for danger... and monsters... and life or death. What d'you think?
DOCTOR: (thoughtful) Hmmm. Tricky.
(He suddenly chloroforms Rose unconscious and drags her inside the TARDIS. His insane laughter can be heard as it fades away.)


The level of trust, respect and admiration given to RTD was most potently demonstrated on March 4th when, hours after RTD had written in his DWM column that fans were not, repeat NOT to download previews off the series and spoil the magic, a mysterious figure leaked a copy of Ruse onto the Internet, three weeks before its official premiere.

This figure was ultimately revealed as Stephen Moffat on the piss and the result was an unprecedented storm of press and public attention paid to Doctor Who. This was not GOOD, though. Bob Perkins' review of the internet preview in "Half-cocked Reviews Weekly" -


"'Ruse' is excrement. It feels nothing, nothing like Buffy the Vampire the Slayer, more like a cheap sitcom. The main fault is in the script, which is only about introducing the Doctor and Rose. OK, it does that fantastically, but why aren't the troubles of Northern Ireland mentioned? Hmm? Answer me that!

The episode deals with an tub of chocolate that can control anything in the world that is made of plastic. The Doctor - now looking about 30, with a leather jacket and an amphetamine habit – fights break-dancing shop mannequins attack, moving slower than a grannie in a zimmer frame.

The show is shot on video tape. Yes, video tape. If the BBC felt rebuffed that SciFi in the US passed on the show, maybe they should have spent a bit more money making it look like something that was actually produced by professionals. I'm surprised The Mill even took the job of providing the visual effects let along allow their name to appear in the credits!

Busty streetwise teenage sidekick, maverick leather-wearing Doctor, fast cutting and nonsensical dialog and plot. This steaming turd has "focus group" written all over it. It's only aim is to make the kids sexual deviants

From the cheap opening credit sequence to the hammy and frequently inaudible dialog it feels like a fan-produced parody of the original series, and not worth downloaded off the net for. Cheap production values and muddled, silly plotting give it the feel of a Saturday evening sci-fi kids show.

What do you mean, I've missed the point?

Oh, and just one quick note to the producers: shoot it on FILM you cheap fuckers. Jesus Christ, your show looks like an episode of the god-damned East Enders!"


In order to try and steal some of the comeback vibe for the Christian church, Ruse broadcast on March 26th which prompted Jim Callahan to commit suicide. The end result was ten million viewers tuning in to see a buxom blonde working in a bondage store, thrashing the competition of Ant and Dec discussing economic theory with Tony Blair.

Doctor Who had the highest average audience since 1979's The Creature of Pittsburgh's scenes of alien fellatio changed the television landscape forever. The audience appreciation figure of 76% was the best in the program's history – though whether this is down to the close-up shower scenes with Billie Piper or not is pure conjecture.

In one final bid to secure control of geekdom itself, Lorraine Heggessy managed to order BBC Head of Drama Jane Tranter
commissioned a 60-minute Christmas special and a new 13-part season before she was captured by the men in white coats and driven off in their little yellow van.

Doctor Who's extended and sometimes enjoyable hiatus from television screens had ended not with a whimper, but with a very, very loud bang and lots of post-coital cigarettes.


---------
Next Time...
---------
"This is the year 5 billion. And this is the day - hold on... THIS is the day the Sun expands. Welcome to the end of the world – and the ultimate gastronomic experience!"
"Who the hell are you?"
"Yes I am. The Doctor plus one Rose Tyler. Bring me some Old Janx Spirit please - I want it right here, right now, and in a pint glass. And put some of those dinky little umbrellas in it."
"Representing the Secret Gardens of Cheech And Chong we have... walking humanoid marijuana plants! The Moxx of Baloon! The Face of Bond! The Last Human - Miss Joan Collins!"
"Don't I look gorgeous?"
"Not particularly, no."
"Shut it, pixie!"
"Dear God, what *have* they been putting in the food?"
---------
...The Restaurant At The End of The World...
---------

BONUS! DOCTOR WHO AUDITIONS!

RTD was not so completely deranged when he cast Christopher "This Is Me Swanning Off!" Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor. A dozen other artistes were considered for the role and their audition tapes are transcribed here to show you the alternatives that made Chris Eccleston seem like such a sensible choice.

For the first story, it was initially planned that Paul McGann would continue his televised existence as the Eighth Doctor. It is unknown whether PAUL McGann actually appeared for the recording, as all the McGann brothers are essential interchangeable. Nevertheless, the McGann Doctor's existence was cut short after creative difference between actor and producer, especially when he called Russell T Davies "You filthy despicable back-stabbing arse hole bastard!"


"Doctor Who – Pictures of Plastic Men" Episode 1:

(Blackness. Fade up on a shot of space. The Earth comes into view and we zoom down towards it, down to Wales, to Cardiff and finally to a block of flats. We continue straight through the wall in a neato effect and out of a washing machine.

We now see hot blonde Rose Tyler [Billie Piper] and her less hot mother, Jackie [Camille Coduri], in the kitchen of their apartment as they watch "Single White Female Attorney". When Jackie isn't looking, Rose turns and runs out.)

Rose: Christ, I hate that show.

(Cut to: Rose hurrying down a high street, holding a distinctive orange mobile phone in her hand. She is not the only person with one.)

Rose: Hey, Mickey. Look, I've got to go to work now. What am I wearing? Clothes? Why do you ask? What do you mean? What's "so hard", anyway? Aren't you the least bit curious how come I'm ringing you on a mobile when I don't have one? Well... I do. Honest! They're handing them out everywhere – you out to get off that computer and get out of the house. No, I will not go down on you if you do!

(Rose hangs up. She pauses, noticing a blue police box sitting next to Plastic Fantastic that wasn't there yesterday. She shrugs, smiles, and banishes the thought from her miniscule brain.

Rose enters Plastic Fantastic. A man wearing a leather mask and metal spiked codpieces steps from behind the desk. This is H. P. Lovecraft [Mark Gattiss], owner and main client of the store.)

Lovecraft: Damn it, Rose! You're thirty seconds late! Be glad that you're not in the sex industry – prostitutes have been shot for less!

Rose: (confused) What are prostitutes?

(Lovecraft sighs, very, VERY depressed)

Lovecraft: You even take the fun out of intellectual sadism, Rose Tyler. Now, be a good girl and clock on... stupid bimbo.

(Rose shrugs and does that. There she bumps into a masculine figure we never see clearly, but is wearing a strapless PVC dress. This is Suz [Mal Young], a butch transsexual.)

Rose: Hey, Suz.

Suz: Hey, Rose. Any sign of Molly, then?

Rose: Na. Two days, gone without a trace. Last time I let her off the safety harness. She's probably in an acid house party in Llanfairfachbiscuit by now...

Lovecraft: Oi! Open mouths are bad in this business! If you've got enough time to be talking than you can go down to the stockroom and pick up a box of till rolls or so help me I'll spank your bottom!

(Rose leaves without comment. Lovecraft lights a cigarette.)

Lovecraft: Oh, that SO worked for me.

(Down in the department store's basement Rose notices a person at the
other end of the corridor doing something to a padlocked door.)

Rose: Ere! Who are you? What you doing down ere?

(The man turns around. It is the Eighth Doctor.)

Doctor: Trying to break into the back room of an adult bookshop, Rose. (grins inanely) It's the story of my life.

Rose: Hey, how d'you know my name?

Doctor: I saw your photo.

Rose: Where?

Doctor: When I was getting pissed at Molly's parents' place. Those poofy bastards couldn't hold their liquor in the sixties, and they can't now.

Rose: Are you a friend of the family?

Doctor: Sort of. More kind of like a stalker they can't lose. Anyway, Molly owes me twenty-three quid from 1987 so if she thinks I'm gonna let her vanish into thin air, she's got another thing coming!

Rose: But the police already searched the store when Molly disappeared. I was on shift at the time – me and that creepy bloke playing with his balls, we saw the whole thing!

Doctor: (ignores her) What's behind this door, anyway?

Rose: It's a storeroom – nothing in there but junk.

Doctor: Oh, pity. Charley'll have to go without those crotchless leather panties, then. Anything else?

Rose: Nah. Molly and Suz sometimes creep down here for a smoke when the weather's too bad to nip out the back, but they don't now cause the management stopped it.

Doctor: Hence the padlock, I assume.

Rose: Wow. You're clever.

Doctor: Anyone's clever compared to you. When did this happen?

Rose: A couple of days ago.

Doctor: And that would have been the day after Molly disappeared.

(The Doctor pulls the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and uses it with a flourish. The padlock undoes itself.)

Rose: How did you do that?

Doctor: (stares at her) Magic, Rose, magic.

Rose: Wow. Magic. (Brightly) The ones upstairs just buzz. I didn't know you could unlock doors with them!

(The Doctor coughs awkwardly and enters the storeroom. The lights are not fully on, but we can make out junk, boxes and a few ashtrays. Rose follows the Doctor into the room.)

Rose: Look, this is a waste of time.

Doctor: Rather like talking to you. Ah-ha!

(He bends forward and snatches up an orange mobile phone from where it was wedged between two boxes. It has a sticker on its back saying PROPERTY OF MOLLY – TOUCH AND DIE)

Rose: Ooh! That's Molly's phone.

Doctor: (sighs) Well done, Rose.

Rose: No wonder she threw it away. Last thing she said to me was that the phone wasn't working. She was going to get another one, you know?

Doctor: What? Just like that?

Rose: Yeah, they're handing them out all over the place...

(The Doctor takes the back off the phone and reacts in surprise.)

Doctor: Rose, does that look right to you?

Rose: How would I know?

Doctor: Good point, airhead.

(The Doctor fiddles about with the phone with the aid of his Sonic Screwdriver for a few seconds after which it starts to emit a high pitched sound.)

Rose: That's the problem she was having with it, though it wasn't that loud... I said...

(The Doctor is staring into the darkness on the far side of the room)

Rose: What is it?

Doctor: (To Himself) Well, THAT was quite amazingly stupid Doctor.

(A trio of Autons march out of the shadows towards our heroes...)

(Roll Credits)