Friday, January 1, 2010

9th Doctor - The Parting of the Ways (iii)

-------------Transcriber's Note-------------
This, however, is not the ONLY end to this story. Due to various reasons, the ending of The Parting of the Legs was re-shot a total of twenty-seven times. Due to the time manipulation occurring in the main plot, Russell T Davies insists that all the alternate endings are absolutely canonical. Just not very good...

"The Ending" By A Douglas Adams Impersonator

As the Dustbins close in on the Doctor, he realizes he'll never defuse the Delta Wave in time. The Dustbins open fire on the Doctor, but the possessed Rose arrives in the TARDIS and prevents the energy from killing the Doctor via convincing the death rays that they are really a small Yorkshire terrier called Bobby.

Rose then re-winds time to just before the Dustbins entered and the Doctor finishes wiring up his machine. Lavros II baits the Doctor to become the 'great exterminator', and the Doctor DOES pull the lever.

Except, it wasn't a Delta Wave but simply a neutron flow polarization reverser – the massive transmat grid built into the Game World switches on, picking up every organic life form and placing them one metre to the left.

The beams activate, the Doctor and Rose appear one metre to the left – and so do all the Dustbin mutants, which are ripped from their cases and expire in hideous gore.

Rose asks just why, if the Doctor wasn't building a Delta Wave, was he trying to escape in the TARDIS, and why he sent all the incidental characters to their death? And what about all the hundreds of people who have been encased in concrete or thrown out of tall buildings?

The Doctor says "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs."

Everyone laughs cheesily.

The End.


"The Ending" By The Terry Nation Estate

Captain Jack and his team kill a Dustbin, hide inside it and penetrate the Dustbin saucer and, after countless escapes and recaptures, the Face of Bond overcomes his intense fear of cheese and uses a conveniently discarded high explosive to kill himself, and also defeat the Dustbins – all bar one ship that fly off, the occupants screaming "Next time, Doctor! NEXT TIME!"

The Doctor and Rose debate various love interests and leave in the TARDIS after replacing a vital piece of equipment which went missing.

Everyone laughs cheesily.

The End.


"The Ending" by Camille Coduri's Agent

Jackie decides she's much better for this adventure lark and uses her nail file to open the TARDIS console. The light consumes her and, filled with the energy of a God, travels forward to the Gamestation leaving Mickey and Rose looking like guppies at feeding time.

The possessed Jackie kicks the shit out of Dustbins and rips them apart as the TARDIS destroys every rival Doctor Who iconic image.

Jackie seduces the Doctor in a clear cut-and-paste from Ruse, and this time the Doctor accepts because a Tyler woman glowing bright orange after absorbing the entire vortex is a major turn-on.

One quickie later, the Doctor and Jackie leave in the TARDIS, abandoning Jack on the Game World. Unfortunately, both the Doctor and Jackie are dying from vortex poisoning. Oh, if only they'd used protection! If only!

However, for some bizarre reason the Doctor drops dead and Jackie regenerates into a flaxon-haired space babe with exactly the same face and body, much to the surprise of Mickey and Rose.

Everyone laughs cheesily.

The End.


"The Ending" by A Rabid Eccleston Fan Who Swears Blind He Can Get Chris To Come Back For Another Year

The Doctor ditches Jack and Rose on the Game World to die while he escapes in the TARDIS. Unfortunately, it lands back on the Dustbin Saucer. The Doctor shrugs and says, "OK, Plan A, then!"

On the Game World, Jack and Rose watch in mild surprise as the Dustbin Saucer is utterly destroyed in fantastic CGI manipulation.

Jack soliloquizes about "the Temporal Difference Of Opinion taking its last victims" in a surprising passionate and erudite manner – but it turns out he's simply reading this off the back of a Blue Oyster Cult record that just happened to be lying around.

Everyone laughs cheesily as the credits roll.

Once the credits are finished, everyone wanders off and thus completely misses the re-materialization of the TARDIS.

To Be Continued...


"The Ending" by A Completely Different Rabid Eccleston Fan Who Swears Blind He Can Get Chris To Come Back For Another Year

After the end of the televised version, the Tenth Doctor and Rose decide that this isn't really working out. Thus, they send the TARDIS back to 2012 Cardiff the day BEFORE the Ninth Doctor and Rose visited it in "I, Dustbin."

The Doctor throws a handy thermonuclear warhead out the TARDIS doors and they take off. The vault is destroyed along with the last Dustbin and Adam Mitchell, and the last seven episodes never happened.

The Doctor regresses back to his Ninth body in a puff of logic.

Everyone laughs cheesily and then the Dommervoy attack.

To Be Continued And/Or The End Depending On Your Point Of View


"The Ending" By Gay Russell

The Doctor realizes that he has absolutely no idea how to defeat the Dustbins and so flees in the TARDIS with Rose, leaving Jack and the others to their unpleasant fate.

The Doctor sets course for the Last Great Dispute in the Temporal Difference of Opinion and decides to take notes about how his previous self resolved the battle between the Dustbins and the Time Lords.

Unfortunately, the TARDIS is destroyed by friendly fire.

The whole series becomes un-canon and the adventures of the Eighth Doctor as played by Paul McGann continue in Big Finish.

Everyone laughs cheesily and tells RTD to bugger off.

The End.


"The Ending" By Andrew Beeblebrox While Snorting Anthrax.

The entire story turns out to be a big practical joke played by the Beadle-droid and everyone laughs cheesily.

The End.


"The Ending" By Clayton Hickman

With her amazing vortex powers, Rose has stupidly brought the evil game show robots back to life and they immediately advance on the copulating time travelers, who hastily dress and run for it.

Rose drags the Doctor into the TARDIS and takes off as the Time Lord idly pats his pockets for a post-coital cigarette. Unfortunately, due to her terrible driving skills, the TARDIS instantly hurtles into a vortex of time distortion and the room begins to shake and alarms start going off in a suitably doom-laden manner.

The Doctor suddenly starts going on about how relationships grow, change and develop; how it's not Rose, it's him; how a chain of circumstances is fragmenting the law that holds the universe together... in short, Rose is dumped.

Yes, clearly the fact that Rose is infected with vortex energy means that she must be ejected from the TARDIS for the safety of the universe.

"There's no point going on, Rose. I've taught you all you need to know about cross-species sex antics - now you can do it yourself," the Doctor says cheerfully as the doors vibrate and bang apart.

But the unrelenting force doesn't drag Rose out of the TARDIS, but the Doctor that's sucked towards fatal death! Obviously, the Time Lord has got the vortex infection due to their sexual congress!

"Oh, fantastic!" the Doctor bitches as he vanishes from sight.

To Be Continued...


"The Ending" By Gareth Roberts

Rose is infected with vortex energy and that means she must be ejected from the TARDIS for the safety of the universe.

"There's no point going on, Rose. I've taught you all you need to know about cross-species sex antics - now you can do it yourself," the Doctor says cheerfully as the doors vibrate and bang apart.

But the unrelenting force doesn't drag Rose out of the TARDIS, but the Doctor that's sucked towards fatal death! Obviously, the Time Lord has got the vortex infection due to their sexual congress!

"Oh, fantastic!" the Doctor bitches as he vanishes from sight.

Rose flips the Doctor the bird as the doors shut. Suddenly, a spiky-haired Scotsman in a leather enters the console room and announces that he is the Doctor.

"Hello Rose, I'm the fourth Doctor. Let's see the fans try and sort out what's canon now!"

The Doctor quickly changes the topic of why he is completely different and decides to set course for Cardiff to see Rose's mother and refuses point blank the idea that they might not get on or the idea he might sleep with Rose.

This confirms in Rose's mind the idea that this 'Doctor' in fact a rather badly-made replicant on behalf of K9's Kennel Club. She ducks into the corridor and starts warming up the chainsaw...

To Be Continued Even More Than That...


"The Ending" By Mad Larry The Pirate Queen

As Lavros II chides the Doctor on his cowardice, a sinister gleam forms in the Doctor's eye as screaming psychotic guitar music plays.

"Are you a killer or a coward?" Lavros II demands.

The Doctor opens his leather jack to reveal he has a mass of nitro-9 strapped to his chest ala a suicide bomber.

"Guess!" the Doctor grins and...


To Be Continued...


"The Ending" by Clive "Hurt Me Baby" Finch

As the Dustbins advance on the Doctor he realizes that they are not, in fact, Distbun mutants but the hideous offspring of ape-like Morons and the Slyther, a 22nd century cyberpunk man-eating girl.

The are not Dustbins, but Slythorons – and gay ones at that.

So delighted at how things are going, the Slythorons start 'plunging' each other through the specially-designed holes in their rears, and these scenes will really push the limits of what we expect to see Dustbins do and say on British TV.

Upon learning this, the Doctor shags the Slythoron and they fuse together to form the Dogron - a single sex mutant who takes a fancy to one of the Dustbins which he calls 'Petal'.

The conclusion of The Parting of the Legs is the destruction of Petal, leaving only Petal's skeleton. Dogron scoops up a rib and runs away as Lavros II announces "and the Dogron's away with the bone".

Everyone laughs cheesily.

The End.


"The Ending" by Jerry Springer

As the Dustbins invade, the Doctor delves into his pocket and finds a stale K9 Kebab with which he destroys the invaders. Jack suddenly announces he is the Bastard's sister and Adam's boyfriend before shooting the Doctor. As he regenerates, the Time Lord becomes a thieving kleptomaniac who nick Rose's purse and shags her mum.

This is ultimately shown to be another episode hosted by Trisha Droid, being shown on a pub television set.

The Eighth Doctor watches it, sipping a pint, and tells C'Rizz on the stool next to him that, "He doesn't look a thing like me."

Everyone laughs cheesily.

The End.


"The Ending" by some chick in That's Life Fast Fictions Monthly

The Ninth Doctor reveals he is, in fact, really the Bastard and the other one is just a decoy. At that moment, the horrible Xerox race descend from the heavens – the entire Temporal Difference of Opinion was staged via a potato and some finger puppets.

Rose returns to reveal she is a Slitheen who looks identical to Billie Piper, employed by none other than Harriet Jones who is the Eighth Doctor in drag. One glass of Downing Street port wine and she regenerates into... Presuming Ed.

Everyone laughs like they're standing in a busy Amsterdam street.

The End.


"The Ending" by Sigourny Weaver

The Doctor activates the Delta Wave in slow motion with loud minor violin chords and Lavros II screams in horror.

And a Dustbin embryo bursting out of his chest!

To Be Continued...


"The Ending" By Flamingo Jones

The Doctor realizes that all he needs to do is reverse the polarity of the neutron flow to destroy the Dustbin fleet. Lavros II realizes this, fouls himself, and escapes in an escape pod.

Jack foreswears the demon drink, drugs and derogatory sexual acts and decides to become a missionary on Earth. Using the missionary position quite a lot, presumably.

Rose decides that this show sucks and demands to be returned home to Mum – her originally leaving was just a cry for help. The Doctor turfs her out, admits to Mickey that he is adopted and his real name is Ricky and leaves to get Adam Rickitts as a companion.

"Mum, I'd like a small port," says Rose.

"Greedy, Rose!" Jackie replies, "Most people would settle for just one sailor."

And everyone laughs cheesily.

The End.


"The Ending" by Monty Python

As the Dustbins crowd around the Doctor, he begins... to SING!

The Dustbins run away very loudly and quickly.

Everyone laughs cheesily.

The End (of Llamas, anyway)


"The Ending" by Mal Young

After leaving the Game World (and everyone on it dead), the Doctor discovers Rose is still infected with a deadly vortex STD and rabbits on about Barcelona for a few minutes until Rose drops dead.

The Doctor checks himself over and is amazingly relieved to discover he is still in perfect health.

He laughs cheesily.

The End.


"The Ending" By Mark Gatiss

As the Dustbins invade the Gamestation, the Doctor sends Jack and Rose into the TARDIS and tells them not – repeat NOT – hit the blue button until he is safely aboard.

As the original, confusion leads to the Doctor being abandoned on the space station as the TARDIS escapes the killing zone.

Rose decides to return home and sell her story to the newspaper and Jack decides to keep the TARDIS and search for what alcoholic mixture wiped two years of his memory and hopefully drink some more.

Mickey and Jackie are glad that the Doctor's dead meat and that Rose is back. After a few false starts, Jack finally works out how to make the TARDIS dematerialize.

Elsewhere, the badly-injured Doctor uses the station's transmat beams to place him on an escape pod just as the Delta Wave is unleashed. The escape pod narrowly escapes the affected area and with the parting shot of "Oh, yeah – I'm your daddy!" the Doctor regenerates using his oddly-buzzing sonic screwdriver and the TARDIS key.

The new Doctor is indescribably pissed off when he discovers that the escape pod's controls are wrecked and the sonic screwdriver battery is flat – he has been left marooned in deep space.

And he STILL hasn't got any sex!!

To Be Continued...


"The Ending" By Cameron J Mason From His Orbiting Space Station

The Doctor activates the Certain Death Wave and nothing happens - in all the wiring up he forgot to plug it in!

He plugs it in, only to realize that he left it switched on!

Everyone drops dead.

A tumbleweed goes by.

Rose arrives in the TARDIS, full of the Time Vortex, and smacks her forehead as she realizes she was just too late.

She then feels compelled to take her clothes off to a Doctor Who-ey version of The Stripper's Song that replaces the opening credits.

The End. Sort of.


"The Ending" By Me When I Was Completely Off My Face

After four minutes and forty five seconds of uninterrupted Slitheen farting, we cut to the Doctor and Jack piloting the police box to the Dustbin saucer. Sudden Jackie and Mickey appear out of nowhere and start swooping around the TARDIS singing Celine Dion songs and then vanish in a puff of smoke.

Emerging from the TARDIS, the Doctor and Jack encounter a giant glass Dustbin containing John Scott Martin butt naked. He reveals the Moxx of Baloon is, in fact, Joan Collins – the love child of Adam and Lynda. Jack suddenly shouts "23-06-801" at the top of his voice.

The JSM Dustbin is also Adam's dog metamorphosed after freakishly blending with the Face of Bond Junior and has allied itself with the Rwandans, the enemies of the Tudors.

Upon realizing that the Slitheen are to be the force BEHIND Lavros II, the Doctor and Jack spent 16 minutes and 5 seconds rolling around naked in a big vat of baked beans pleasuring each-other.

The Dustbin fleet returns to 2006 but find it already invaded by giant kittens. Lavros II falls foul of Hulk Hogan. With the battle joined, the Myrka rises from the sea and kills absolutely everybody involved.

Jackie and Mickey celebrate surviving with a shag before Jackie reveals to Mickey he's got Rose pregnant. As Mickey reels from that, Jackie and the Doctor make out on the TARDIS console.

Suddenly, Charles "Ruler of the Laxity of the Multiverses" Dickens arrives and orders the Doctor to regenerate before he allows Saturday Night Fever to be filmed inside the TARDIS.

But, the Doctor does not so much regenerate but grins, flicks the V sign at the camera and laughs insanely.

The TARDIS materializes on a railway station and, as the Doctor and Rose explore it becomes apparent they are trapped in a painting – which the Eighth Doctor has finished painting for Charley.

Elsewhere, Rose wakes up and finds Patrick Duffy in her shower.

Everyone laughs cheesily.

The End.

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