Scene 70 – Lift
[Eerily similar to the other lift. Except in one piece. The Doctor and Adam enter. Adam places his palm against a reader, the doors shut smoothly. The Beatles’ “Back In The USSR” plays on the lift stereo.]
DOCTOR: Thank God that worked. I was worried you might be illegitimate...
ADAM: Yeah. I get that a lot.
[An awkward pause.]
ADAM: So, since Rose’s probably dead meat, you think you need a new companion?
DOCTOR: Maybe. It all depends. Do they smoke? Have they ever killed a man in cold blood? How would they react if I told them I was the Antichrist? And, turning very briefly to the subject of corporate finance – no, this is important – leveraged buy-outs: do they think it a good thing or a bad thing?
ADAM: ...I always thought they averaged out as a good thing.
DOCTOR: Exactly! You see, everyone just sees the obvious drawbacks and they just turn away without thinking long-term! Do you know how many prospective companions I’ve had to explain that to? Too many, Aaron, that’s how many. Too fucking many.
[Another awkward pause.]
ADAM: You ever heard of Gareth Gates?
DOCTOR: No. Is he something to do with Bill Gates?
ADAM: No idea. I think he’s a singer or something. I just got asked if he would still be famous in nine years’ time and I had no idea who he was now!
DOCTOR: [chuckles] I so relate.
[Another long pause.]
Scene 71 – Exhibit Room
[ET advances on the Dustbin and Rose who back away.]
ROSE: Who the hell is that?
DUSTBIN: How-the-hell-would-I-know? I’ve-been-locked-in-a-cell-for-the-last-fifty-years! Oh-hang-on. I-remember. That-is-ET-Fairfax-the-head-of-Fairfax-Telecommunications-who-I-injected-with-Dustbin-DNA. I-totally-forgot-about-you-for-some-reason...
ROSE: I think he means you.
[ET lurches towards the Dustbin, who backs away.]
DUSTBIN: [frightened] Keep-away-from-me! I’ve-been-roggered-enough-for-one-century!
[A long pause.]
DUSTBIN: No. No-I-think-you’ll-find-you’re-not-a-Dustbin. I-am-a-Dustbin.
ET FAIRFAX: Give-me-orders!
DUSTBIN: Look-you-are-not-a-Dustbin. Sorright?
ET: I-need-orders! You-will-obey-so-I-can-obey!
DUSTBIN: This-is-just-creeping-me-out. [to Rose] Is-this-a-Dustbin?
ROSE: Don’t look at me, skippy, I’m just passing through.
ET: Oh-father! How-I-love-you!
[He embraces the Dustbin and sobs.]
DUSTBIN: I-cannot-be-what-you-are! Get-out-of-my-personal-space! Get-off!
[The Dustbin fires at ET, blasting him across the room. However, the mutant freak will not die.]
ET: I-love-you-Pa! We-can-be-Dustbins-together-forever...
[The Dustbin lets out a frightened noise and fires a volley of shots. Finally, ET Fairfax drops dead. The alien cyborg shakes with rising hysteria.]
DUSTBIN: I-am-not-a-Dustbin! I-am-not-an-animal! I-am-not-a-human-being! I-AM-A-BOILED-EGG-ON-STILTS!
[Suddenly the Dustbin falls to the ground, lifeless and still. A beat. Rose looks at it, hesitating. She edges forward. Closer. Closer. Two close. The “LITTER” sign turns to face her.]
Scene 72 – Office
[Gunther and Sue-Ellen are sitting, rather redundantly, on the desk. Sue-Ellen is playing with the hypodermic full of green blood she picked up in an earlier scene, a moment I couldn’t be arsed to transcribe at the time. Deal with it.]
SUE-ELLEN: [softly] ET Fairfax isn’t coming back, is he?
GUNTHER: I’m sorry, madam. But assuming he isn’t dead already, he is a psychotic mutant hybrid with no memory of his former existence. If he comes back, it’ll only be to stab us to death with his prehensile tongue.
SUE-ELLEN: [shrugs] Oh well, I shall have to look for love elsewhere. Someone else to share my vast fortune.
[Gunther clears his throat.]
GUNTHER: Madam, you know I have always... deeply respected you. Admired you. Treated your Athlete’s Foot...
GUNTHER: I don’t care you’re an amoral psychopath with no grip on reality whatsoever. I love you for who you are.
[Sue-Ellen turns and kisses him passionately.]
SUE-ELLEN: [sighs] No.
GUNTHER: [surprised] No?
GUNTHER: Please. Call me Bruno.
SUE-ELLEN: You just don’t taste the same. I’m going to need the Dustbin after all. Fetch him for me.
GUNTHER: ...and the survey said? “No fucking way!”
SUE-ELLEN: Stop showing independent thought, I’ve warned you about that!
GUNTHER: Madam, that thing will kill me!
SUE-ELLEN: Sssh. There are other ways of talking to the Dustbin...
[She kisses him again then stabs him in the neck with the hypodermic. He convulses in pain.]
SUE-ELLEN: Summon him here.
GUNTHER: [choking] You complete bitch... I can’t believe you just did that...
SUE-ELLEN: I’m a remarkable woman.
GUNTHER: No... you’re... fucking... loony!
[Gunther collapses onto the floor.]
Scene 73 – Exhibit Room
[Rose tries to comfort the Dustbin without actually having sex with it. A cruel and pointless exercise, say I.]
ROSE: And I feel yours... all this stuff about cleaning the place. And sex. But mainly cleaning. It’s like talking to my mum... Hang on, are you sure you’re actually supposed to a bloke?
[The Dustbin stiffens.]
ROSE: Well. Answered that question.
DUSTBIN: I-sense-a-disturbance-in-the-Force. A-new-mind. And-not-as-loopy-as-the-last-too. New-orders. Assist-me-Rose-Tyler. I-need-an-intervention! Help-me-move-on-emotionally!!
[And Rose helps it move on.]
Scene 74 – Dustbin Cell
[A hitherto-unmentioned corner wall silently slides back to reveal the lift. The Doctor sticks his head out and looks around, seeing the wreckage and the lifeless corpse of Simmons. Grinning, the Doctor flips the Vs to him and steps out of the lift. He then spots, floating in the doorway, the floating Dustbin ball. He rolls his eyes. Adam emerges from the lift but the Doctor grabs him and bundles him back into the lift, holding a finger to his lips. He then points at the ball.]
ADAM: [sotto] Holy Dustbin balls! What is it, Doctor?
DOCTOR: [sotto] A holy Dustbin ball – it’s a kind of floating landmine they use, filled with something like the incredibly ferocious offspring of Ajax and napalm. It’s activated by sound. Any sound! It’s a damn lucky thing that it’s so old and knackered it hasn’t already heard us breathing, whispering or even the lift arriving, cause normally that would trigger it right off! But if we get any closer, the chances are, it’ll eventually hear us.
ADAM: [sotto] So you can’t turn it off?
DOCTOR: [sotto] Aaron, if we get too close, even our heartbeats would trigger it. And I’ve got two of those! Life is so bloody unfair sometimes. [sighs] Oh well, less than ten minutes left in the episode, so there’s nothing for it. It can only go for one of us, sorright?
ADAM: [sotto] Sorright.
[Adam slowly turns to face the Doctor, looking at him as if he’s a mad Northern thug in a leather jacket.]
ADAM: [sotto] What?
DOCTOR: [sotto] So you’ll have to make more noise than me.
ADAM: [not so sotto] This isn’t a very popular plan, is it? I mean, out of the two people in the room, at least one of them doesn’t like this plan. [louder] It is not a good plan. It’s a bad plan! Plans like that, frankly, make me physically ill! [clutches stomach] And if you are going to come up with plans as awful as well, you can just... GET OUT!!
[Behind them, the floating ball twitches then hurtles straight towards Adam’s face. He screams and throws his hands up to cover his face. After a few moments, the still-screaming Adam chances a look and sees the ball is frozen in an abrupt halt right in front of him. Behind it is the Doctor, using his sonic screwdriver on the ball. Adam wails.]
DOCTOR: You can stop screaming now, Aaron.
[Adam continues to make hysterical screaming noises, still in shock.]
DOCTOR: No, really. I’m getting flashbacks to Mel. I think this gives it more sound than it can deal with...
[He makes a casual gesture with the screwdriver and the ball is sent hurtling to the other side of the room – specifically into the crotch of Simmons’ corpse. There is a massive explosion.]
ADAM: [nauseous] I think he would have wanted it this way, Doctor.
[The smoke and dust is clearing to reveal a whole chunk of the set has been destroyed to reveal a flight of wooden stairs leading downwards. The Doctor and Adam cross over to it.]
ADAM: The armory!
DOCTOR: Of course it’s the bleeding armory. Why else did we come here? The point is, the Dustbin knew about it too and left the mine to guard it. So, it must have thought there was something in the armory worth guarding lest us dirty bipeds get our filthy little opposable digits on it.
ADAM: You mean, there could be a convenient anti-Dustbin weapon to hand?
DOCTOR: Let’s hope it was right, Aaron. We’re going to be stretching out the time slot as it is...
[They head down the stairs. In the doorway to the vault, the Watcher steps out of the shadows and assumes a casual pose. Well, as casual as a half-formed wraith of Christmases Future can be casual.]
Scene 75 – Armory
[Eerily similar to the Exhibit Room and the Museum. Except no TARDIS, corpses, and all the glass cases have guns in them from every sci-fi franchise humanly possible. The door opens and the Doctor and Adam enter and walk past the cases hurriedly.]
ADAM: [awed] Incredible... It’s like that bit in Men in Black!
DOCTOR: [looking at cases] Broken. Broken. Hairdryer.
ADAM: Is it?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but it’s still broken.
[They reach the edge of the set and look around.]
DOCTOR: ...Is this it?
ADAM: Erm. Yes. I guess. I mean, hell, this morning I didn’t know any of this existed, so maybe I’m not the best point of contact here. I’d say “talk to my dad”, but he’s currently doing his best Thing From Another World impression on the day staff...
[Bored, the Doctor heads back, looking at the cases on the other side of the room.]
DOCTOR: Broken. Broken...
ADAM: I mean... I’ve never seen anything like this! All my life I’ve made do with rocks and bits of metal, the occasional prostitute... and this was beneath my feet the whole time! It’s an Alladin’s Cave, that’s what it is!
DOCTOR: It’s rubbish, that’s what it is! I’ve seen better equipment picking through space-freighter-boot sales and the BBC props department!
ADAM: There must be something here which can help us! The Dustbin was worried!
DOCTOR: [shrugs] Well, I suppose if I were a bit creative... Stick the power pack of that into the nozzle of that...
ADAM: Right, great...
DOCTOR: And the hairdryer would come in useful, now I come think of it.
ADAM: Would it take long?
DOCTOR: Oh, Aaron, it would take weeks under laboratory conditions.
DOCTOR: Luckily, we’re not under laboratory conditions.
[He smiles, and smashes open a case.]
ADAM: You know, considering how much of what is now legally my property you’ve destroyed today, it’s a good thing I know you’re doing it for the ultimate betterment of mankind and saving my life. Otherwise I’d sue you.
DOCTOR: Shut up, Aaron.
Scene 76 – Outside Office
[Rose is pushing the Dustbin like an uncooperative shopping trolley past a few corpses. The Commander and the Lieutenant turn around the corner, closes in disarray, battered and burnt. Instantly the Dustbin focuses on them and takes aim.]
COMMANDER: Oh, sure, last time I listen to your directions!
LIEUTENANT: Hey, I was giving good directions!
ROSE: Hey you! Out of the way! Dustbin coming through!
[They get out of the way as she pushes past them. The two soldiers exchange looks.]
LIEUTENANT: You see? That’s why I’m in charge. Natural authority. You see?
[The Commander shakes his head and storms off.]
LIEUTENANT: The one thing you never had! Authority! Huh? [pause] Wait for me...
[He runs off after him.]
Scene 77 – Armory
[The Doctor carries an oddly shaped gun, a mismatch of different designs.]
ADAM: Is that it?
DOCTOR: ‘It’? IT?! Aaron, this is Pearson kit-gun plasma-clip laser rifle! Like the one that shot Roj Blake!
ADAM: It doesn’t look very impressive...
DOCTOR: Doesn’t matter what it looks like, so long as it works.
ADAM: And will it?
DOCTOR: [sighs] Probably not. Come on.
[The Doctor heads for the exit. Adam dives in front of him to block his way.]
ADAM: Shouldn’t we test it first?
[The Doctor stares at him.]
ADAM: Or something? Not quite so kamikaze.
DOCTOR: Aaron. Listen. I’m mixing alien technologies that are fundamentally incompatible.
DOCTOR: Powered by an unstable energy cell on its last legs.
DOCTOR: We’ll be lucky if it works once. Even luckier if it doesn’t kill us trying.
ADAM: I’m with you.
DOCTOR: Let’s not push our luck, eh?
[He pushes open the door, and standing right outside is a mutant hybrid monster. His head has turned into a squid-like glob with tentacles stretching from his mutated face. It hisses nastily at the Doctor and Adam.]
DOCTOR: Give me strength...
Scene 78 – Office
[Sue-Ellen sits on the desk, idly doing Goddard’s sudoku book. Suddenly the Dustbin glides in, followed by Rose, who is still pushing it.]
ROSE: Don’t mind us. Just coming through.
SUE-ELLEN: You’re here. I’m so glad.
[She stands up, holding a flintlock pistol.]
ROSE: Oh, please! Have you been paying attention? Bullets won’t hurt him...
SUE-ELLEN: But they’ll hurt you.
ROSE: What have I done?
[Sue-Ellen aims her gun at Rose’s head.]
SUE-ELLEN: Step away from it. I want to talk to my Dustbin.
ROSE: Whatever. [to Dustbin] This bitch is really annoying me, so feel free to zap her.
[Rose moves to the desk and does the sudoku as Sue-Ellen approaches the Dustbin, gun in hand. The alien death machine stares at her impassively. Sue-Ellen giggles.]
DUSTBIN: Stop-that. It’s-irritating.
SUE-ELLEN: You’re magnificent! ET Fairfax was right to love you, I see that now.
[The Dustbin exchanges a worried glance with Rose.]
SUE-ELLEN: I was jealous for a time, just a little...
DUSTBIN: Do-you-have-orders-for-me? You-must-want-something-of-me-what-with-all-the-torture?
SUE-ELLEN: Just one question. That’s all.
DUSTBIN: ...that’s-IT?! A-QUESTION?! You-had-me-the-sex-slave-for-the-most-perverted-human-being-in-history-for-a-QUESTION? Are-you-out-of-your-fucking-mind!?!
DUSTBIN: Oh-sorry. Yes-of-course-you-are...
Scene 79 – Armory
[The mutant advances on the Doctor and Adam, who back away.]
ADAM: How the hell did he manage to get down here after us so quickly?
DOCTOR: No idea. Maybe he used the lift?
ADAM: He can’t have! Look at him, Doctor! His DNA is completely fucked!
DOCTOR: [annoyed] Aaron, if you really want to know – ask him!
MUTANT: [imploring] Look-at-me-for-the-love-of-all-the-saints...
DOCTOR: Yeah, noticed that, thanks. [to Adam] Work your way to the door.
[He gives Adam the gun as the Mutant lurches closer.]
MUTANT: My-master-spoke-to-me. I-had-a-new purpose.
DOCTOR: The Dustbin was in your mind. Do you know where it is now?
MUTANT: Then-it-rejected-me! It-didn’t-want-me! Ungrateful-BASTARD!
DOCTOR: Please, ET, think!
MUTANT: Eh? I’m-not-ET!
DOCTOR: You’re not?! Who the hell are you, thy Hybrid Freak?
MUTANT: It’s-me-Gunther. Madam-Fairfax-injected-me-with-goo!
DOCTOR: [awestruck] ...bitch!
ADAM: No, no, no. Stop. Just. Just stop. Let me get this straight. My mum injected you with Dustbin DNA, turned you into a mutant, and you wandered along, had a chat with the Dustbin, then came all the way down here somehow to follow us... and we didn’t get to see ANY of that on screen? You see the problems I have with this?
DOCTOR: Aaron? If you don’t like this, log onto an opinion forum and complain! Now, back on focus. So, Gunther. Where the hell is the proper Dustbin of the title?
ADAM: It’s nearly at the surface.
DOCTOR: I can’t reverse the mutation, I’m sorry, Gunther. I’m so, so sorry. Well, actually, I’m not.
GUNTHER: I-don’t-want-the-mutation-reversed! I-want-to-be-a-Dustbin!
DOCTOR: Oh, for the love of Led Zeppelin... why, pray tell, do you want to be a Dustbin?
GUNTHER: You-and-madam-were-always-telling-me-off-for-having-independent-thought. You-were-right! For-a-moment-just-as the-Dustbin’s-mind-touched-mine... I-tasted-something-simple-and-pure-and-disturbingly-salty. I-belonged! I-want-that-salty-taste-back! BRING-IT-BACK!
DOCTOR: Why are you coming to me? Am I some kind of one-man miracle factory or something? Piss off, Gunther!
[Mutant Gunther roars and grabs the Doctor, trying to throttle him. Adam straightens his shades and aims the gun at Gunther, cocking it.]
ADAM: Time for some serious staff overturn!
[He pulls the trigger and a long beam of light skewers Gunther, who roars as half his body turns into bloody gore. The mutant lets go of the Doctor who falls lifeless to the ground. Gunther falls dead beside him. Adam blows imaginary smoke away from the barrel.]
ADAM: Let’s do lunch sometime, mofo...
[Behind him, the Watcher runs down the stairs, stops, sighs, and slowly walks off.]
Scene 80 – Office
[As before. The Dustbin is still swearing its dome off at the stupidity of this story’s premise.]
SUE-ELLEN: I’m sorry if I hurt you.
ROSE: No you’re not.
SUE-ELLEN: All right, I’m not sorry. But it was important, you do see that?
DUSTBIN: Enough! Ask-your-question-you-insane-harlot.
SUE-ELLEN: Did my husband love me?
[A very, very long pause.]
ROSE: You tortured him... for that? Do have any idea of how pathetic that is?
SUE-ELLEN: I’m not talking to you, blondie. [to Dustbin] Did he care for me at all?
SUE-ELLEN: All that time he spent with you... he loved you! Did he love me too? Did he ever love me?
SUE-ELLEN: He must have mentioned me!
DUSTBIN: I’ve-had-enough-of-this-drivel. Rose? We’re-leaving!
SUE-ELLEN: I need him back! Please!
[The Dustbin bitch-slaps her aside with its broom, pushing past her.]
SUE-ELLEN: Do to me what you did to him! Make me a Dustbin too, so we can be together!
DUSTBIN: [not even looking at her] GET-A-LIFE!!
[The Dustbin leaves, followed by Rose. Sue-Ellen begins to cry and sinks to the floor. After a moment or two, Rose sticks her head around the corner.]
ROSE: Oh yeah. He kind of exterminated your husband anyway. Thought you might like to know.
[She leaves again. Sue-Ellen falls over.]
Scene 81 – Armoury
[The Gunther-Mutant’s corpse lies in the corner, having melted into a stomach-churning mass of obsequiousness. Meanwhile, Adam is crouched over the unconscious Doctor, gently slapping his face.]
ADAM: Doctor? Doctor, wake up! Doctor!
[The Doctor’s eyes open and he punches Adam right in the face, knocking him down.]
DOCTOR: Stop slapping me!
[Adam sits up, shades askew and nose bleeding again. Nevertheless, he is relieved.]
ADAM: Apart from the fact you were still breathing, I thought you were dead!
DOCTOR: So did I. [blinks] Weird. I don’t remember fighting that freak to the death before passing out from oxygen starvation...
ADAM: [smug] Yeah. That was me. I fought it off in the nick of time.
DOCTOR: “Nick of time”? I’ve got a respiratory bypass system, mate. That thing would die of old age before he could suffocate me.
ADAM: He choked you unconscious!
DOCTOR: Picky, picky, picky! “Oooh, Aaron, you saved my life, thank you!” Is that what you wanted?
ADAM: [shrugs] More or less.
DOCTOR: How did you nuke the bastard anyway? I...
[And then it dawns on him. He looks at Adam sourly. Adam tries to smile charmingly.]
ADAM: Heh... At least we know it worked.
DOCTOR: I told you, Aaron! I specifically told you! “Power for one shot only!”
ADAM: Yes, you did, I must have ignored you while saving your miserable Northern life!
DOCTOR: Did you hold the trigger down for long?
ADAM: Erm. Not very... just enough to release some sexual frustration...
DOCTOR: Then, looking at you, I think there’s still a chance. Come on!
[And they rush out. A moment later they run back inside, snatch up the gun and run out again.]