Friday, January 1, 2010

9th Doctor - Return of the Daleks (vi)

Scene 82 – Corridor

[One last time! Rose is helping the Dustbin back out of the office.]

DUSTBIN: I-feel-stoned.

ROSE: I know. I feel it too.

DUSTBIN: Why-are-you-helping-me?

ROSE: Because you’re frightened. And I kind of enjoyed that exchange of DNA thing.

[A pause.]

DUSTBIN: Yes. I-am-frightened. I-do-not-want-to-kill-if-you-are-here.

ROSE: Good.

DUSTBIN: Do-not-leave-me. Rose-Tyler. You-make-my-heart-sing. You-make-everything-groovy. Rose-Tyler. I-think... I-love-you. But-I-want-know-for-sure. Hold-me-tight.

[She embraces the Dustbin.]

DUSTBIN: Not-quite-that-tight...

Scene 83 – Office

[Sue-Ellen sits on the floor, looking miserable. The lift opens and the Doctor and Adam emerge.]

DOCTOR: Dr. Who is gonna fix it and Dr. Who will put it right! [checks watch] Ooh, three minutes left.

[Adam notices that Sue-Ellen is barely registering their presence.]

ADAM: Mother, art thou OK?

DOCTOR: Leave her! She’s gotten boring and cliched!

[The Doctor runs out of the office, but Adam is torn. He is distracted as the lift opens again and the Watcher runs out, following the Doctor. Adam stares for a moment.]

ADAM: Today is a very interesting day.

Scene 84 – Corridor

[The Dustbin stops by a patch of wall.]

DUSTBIN: I-can-breach-the-outer-wall-here. We-can-be-in-Brecon-in-five-minutes-to-start-our-new-life!

DOCTOR: [vo] Not if I have anything to do with it!

[They turn to see the Doctor running towards them, packing his BFG.]

ROSE: Doctor! I totally forgot all about you!

DOCTOR: Rose, get back!

[He aims the gun at the Dustbin.]

DOCTOR: This one’s for everyone who has ever suffered tyranny! This one’s for everyone who has ever suffered oppression! This one’s for the gipper! PREPARE TO DIE, DUSTBIN SCUM!

[The Doctor pulls the trigger. A pathetic, thin, pale beam of light emerges from the barrel but splutters out before reaching the Dustbin. A long pause. The Doctor pulls the trigger again and again, but nothing. The Dustbin stares at the Doctor. The Doctor smiles awkwardly, and tries to get the gun working. Finally, he sighs and drops it to the floor.]

DOCTOR: Your move.

DUSTBIN: What-should-I-do-now?

DOCTOR: Oh. You’ll kill me, I expect. Stop me from dirtying the cosmos. Tidy up the corpse. That’s what you do.

ROSE: You’re wrong, Doctor!

DOCTOR: Rose, get off your high horse! I’m nine hundred years older than you, I’ve fought these things longer than you’ve had a Gregorian Calendar and destroyed its world and exterminated every last member of its race! I am allowed to make moral judgements, OK?

DUSTBIN: The-ancient-enemy-of-the-Dustbins-is-to-be-exterminated. So-speaketh-Kaiser-Lavros-2.0.

DOCTOR: Go on then. Finish the job. Make a clean sweep of it.

[The Dustbin looks at Rose.]

DUSTBIN: [agitated] Rose-I-do-not-wish-to-kill. Stop-me! This-is-getting-so-similar-to-“D’you-Believe-This?”-that-it-causes-me-physical-pain! New-material-is-required!

Scene 85 – Office

[Adam stoops beside Sue-Ellen, who doesn’t look at him.]

ADAM: Come on, mum. You’re a single woman now, gotta get back in the saddle and start meeting new people. Don’t worry, I’ll give you dating tips and stuff like that. I’ll be the son you always wanted!

SUE-ELLEN: [gently] Adam?

ADAM: That’s the name you gave me, ma!

SUE-ELLEN: I’ve never loved you. [finally looks at him] Just go away.

ADAM: [deflated] Well, I guess that it’s time I told you... I forged your signature eighteen times and had all your money diverted into an offshore account for my exclusive access and set the IRS on your incredibly insecure assets and capital and by this tomorrow you’ll be a penniless street walker selling yourself for some pieces of banana you can carve into novelty items to sell to gullible tourists. Oh, and by the way, little thing: FUCK YOU, YOU UTTER FUCKING BITCH!

[He shoves the desk over on top of her. Sue-Ellen lets out a muffled squawk as she is flattened. Adam turns and leaves, strangely revitalized by this.]

ADAM: I love closure. Now... the A-Man is in da house! Next stop, Rose Tyler’s underwear!

[He slinks off. Sue-Ellen’s legs kick uselessly from under the overturned desk.]

Scene 86 – Corridor

[Back to the interesting stuff.]

DOCTOR: You had fifty years to pull this stunt and escape. Why Rose?

DUSTBIN: None-of-the-others-were-as-cute-as-her. And-it-amused-me-that-a-friend-of-the-Doctor-should-revive-me.

ROSE: So, it was just revenge?


ROSE: Bastard! To think, I loved you!

DUSTBIN: Yeah-I-get-that-a-lot.

DOCTOR: But you didn’t turn her into a freaky tentacled Rastafarian like the others. What was going on there? Were you trying to pass on your genetic strain or something?

DUSTBIN: Kinda. I-was-dying. Somehow-the-Dustbins-must-survive. The-universe-will-succumb-to-mankind’s-grottyness-otherwise.

DOCTOR: But when Rose revived you, she passed on genetic make-up of her own. She’s mutated you! Hah! Fan-tas-tic! How’s that for karma, huh?

DUSTBIN: No... it-cannot-be...

DOCTOR: Yes! Good plot twist, innit?

DUSTBIN: But... I-was-going-to-settle-down. Go-steady. Raise-whippets.

DOCTOR: There’s no life for you out there in Cardiff. Trust me. There’s no life for anyone.

DUSTBIN: I-must-be-loyal-to-my-race.

DOCTOR: Your race is dead! They’d disown you, you dirty, dirty bastard.

[The Dustbin whimpers in pain.]

ROSE: Doctor, stop, you big bully!

DOCTOR: Don’t worry, Rose, when he’s dead you’ll revert back to your carefree blonde mindset. Where was I? Oh yeah. [relentlessly] What are you? Neither Dustbin nor human, neither fish nor fowl. There’s nothing like you in the universe, is there? All alone, quite alone.

DUSTBIN: [brokenly] Rose. You-have-contaminated-me!

ROSE: I’m sorry. Still, you should have worn protection or something.

DUSTBIN: Oh-don’t-give-me-that-responsibility-crap! Kill-me-now!


DUSTBIN: Seriously. Kill-me-now.

ROSE: I can’t do that!

DUSTBIN: Remove-my-gun-stick.

ROSE: You said you might shoot me, you might not be able to stop yourself...

DUSTBIN: Please!

DOCTOR: Let me do it.

ROSE: No. It has to be me.

DOCTOR: Awww! I hate today! It’s been horrible!

[She gingerly removes the gun and can’t help but show relief when she’s succeeded. She points the gun at the Dustbin, unsure.]

DUSTBIN: Are-you-frightened-Rose-Tyler?

ROSE: More sort of bored.

DUSTBIN: So-am-I. Clean-me! Tidy-me-out-of-existence! End-the-messiness! I-have-only-one-thing-left-I-wish-to-say-and-that-is———

[The gun-stick goes off in Rose’s hand, and the beam strikes the Dustbin, exploding into a massive fireball.]

ROSE: Whoops.

[A long pause as they watch the burning wreckage.]

DOCTOR: Guess that just leaves the Boord as my arch enemy from now on. Fantastic. Just fan-TAS-tic...

[Fade to black.]

Scene 87 – Museum

[The Doctor stands, arms folded, beside the TARDIS. Rose is sitting in a thoughtful but very provocative pose beside it, legs akimbo with a thoughtful expression on her vacuous face. After a pause, the Doctor speaks.]


ROSE: Well, what?

DOCTOR: Er, “I’m sorry” would be in order.

ROSE: Shouldn’t I be saying that?

DOCTOR: That’s what I mean! Honestly, Rose, I’ve been trying to wipe out the metal bastards for centuries! You manage it and you only knew they existed for half an hour! Is that fair? Eh? Is it?

ROSE: Um. No?

DOCTOR: No, it bloody well is not!

[He kicks the TARDIS with enough force to break a toe and falls flat on his arse beside Rose.]

ROSE: Well, I did kind of cause it all in the first place.

DOCTOR: What, are you Lavros in drag or something?

ROSE: No. But, you know, I did revive the Dustbin...

DOCTOR: That’s hardly an excuse! Just cause you did what you had to do when a creature was in pain and only you cared, it doesn’t give you permission to go round committing genocide in a tight white T-shirt and no underwear. [He puts his hand on her shoulder) For what it’s worth, you’re dead hot when you’re wiping out whole species.

ROSE: Why, Doctor... are you trying to seduce me?

DOCTOR: [sighs] She’s slow, but she gets there in the end... [grins] just the way I like them!

[Just as they are about to snog, Adam bursts in.]

ADAM: Get away from her you bitch!

DOCTOR: Oh, that spoiled the mood entirely. Right, that does it. Come on Rose, let’s go!

[They get up and head for the TARDIS.]

ADAM: You’re not leaving already are you Rose,? With that Northern git? There’s so much to do... in special outfits live via webcam!

DOCTOR: Your sex life is your business, Aaron, not ours. Thank Christ.

ROSE: [smiling shyly] Goodbye, Adam. Hope you find out who Gareth Gates is!

ADAM: Rosie... you can’t leave me like this!

DOCTOR: Yes she can, this is her, leaving you, like this!

ADAM: Take me with you.

DOCTOR: No fucking way.

[He goes into the TARDIS, then comes out again when he realizes he has another line.]

DOCTOR: Why do you want to come with us? You’re the heir to millions! Buy a magazine or something!

ADAM: I’m tired of collecting porn mags! I want to see the real thing! Ideally involving Rose, some whipped cream and three watts of direct current...

DOCTOR: It’s a noble dream, Aaron... but sling your bloody hook. There’s no room for three in there and Rose has already agreed to share my narrow and cramped time machine.

ADAM: It’s bigger on the inside than the outside.

DOCTOR: Is it? SHIT! I knew I shouldn’t have corrected that bit my wikipedia entry! But still...

[Eagerly, Adam grabs Rose and bundles her into the TARDIS as the Doctor continues looking around for an excuse.]

DOCTOR: ...what about your adoring family? Oh, yeah. But, uh, your friends? Your pets? Your staggeringly vast collection of internet porn? [sighs] He’s really thought this through. Come to think of it, I don’t want to be here either. I want to get as far away from here as possible. Starting now, in fact!

[He hurries into the TARDIS and closes the doors. It starts to dematerialize.]

DOCTOR: [vo] Aaron? What are you do in here? Oh, bollocks, I knew I forgot something...

[The TARDIS fades away...]


Next Episode – The Companion Who Couldn’t

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