9th Doctor - Aliens of London (iii)

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Versus The Space Hookers!
Doctor Who Fondles The Watchmen
You Sexy Thing – FROM ANOTHER WORLD!!!
Single White Female Attorney – Episode # 837: "She's No Slitheen, She's My Step-Mother-In-Law"


Fluffs - Christopher Eccleston seemed a bit gassy in this story.

The Brigadier regularly snaps "I said, "Good day, sir!"" at random points throughout the episode, Nicholas Courtney's attention span apparently ceasing whenever seeing a Slitheen's true form.

"You're a sool, a fad and a cimpleton! In THAT order!"


Goofs –
BBC News 24 seems to have lost the ability to speak anything other than Romanian.

They also claim (as does the Doctor) that Big Ben has been destroyed, when the damage is actually to St Stephen's Tower. Big Ben is the bell, not the tower, but maybe the bell was destroyed. DAMN IT! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE THAT MISTAKE! DAMN THEM ALL TO BURN IN HELL!

Speaking of the clock (NOT THE SMEGGING TOWER, THE CLOCK!) it magically heals itself mere moments after the ship hits it.

The Doctor claims to be 900 years old. That's just a fucking lie.

Why do the Slitheen possess the chairman of the parliamentary commission on the monitoring of sugar standards in exported confectionery and not the Prime Minster? Is Tony Blair that repulsive? Wait, forget I asked that.

The door to the cabinet room goes from having a sign saying CABINET ROOM to IF THIS ROOM'S A ROCKIN', DON'T COME A KNOCKIN' between Harriet
Jones walking in and before the Slitheen and the Brigadier walk in.

Rose and Harriet Jones don't have clearance to go to the alien experts' meeting, but have full reign over the rest of 10 Downing Street and the private quarters of the Prime Minister's daughter. Maybe it's not a goof, but it does look strange.

Why David Beckham? WHY?!

Albion Hospital is not, as the Doctor, the nearest hospital to St. Barnard's Star, as St Thomas Hospital is only a couple of hundred light years away.

The US newsreader refers to England, Britain and the United Kingdom as 'Umma-gumma-land or wherever'. I hate Americans.

The password for UNIT, which also gets you into the Royal Navy systems, is far too insecure. I mean, 'k9000'? That's it?! Are you dicking with me or something? A baboon could trigger world war three if it was that easy!! (Though, as Adam claims to do this in the next episode, it might be intentional rather than a goof)

The CGI images of the Slitheen chasing the Doctor, Rose, and Harriet shows the Slitheen to be faster than the speed of thought, so how come the Slitheen never catch anybody up?

When the reporter's talking about London's streets being deserted, he's reported from the middle of a packed disco called Club Phut.

In one scene, you can see RTD making out with a PA inside the TARDIS prop.

Oh, yeah. The "next week" teaser kind of spoils the point in having a
cliffhanger ending, DON'T YOU THINK? YOU BLOODY MORONS!


Technobbable -
The Doctor threatens to "triplicate the boozability" of some alcohol with his sonic screwdriver. As the Brigadier says, he's making it up but the Doctor prefers to think of it as "wishful thinking".

Doctor: Ricky, if I was to tell you what I was doing to the controls of my, frankly magnificent, time ship would you even begin to understand?
Mickey: Yeah. You're reversing the trajectory of the neutron flow, adjusted the dynomorphic inertia system to generate negative greetathong through bladdamine tubing.
Doctor: Uh... OK. I'll give you that one.


Dialogue Disasters -

Jackie: Will Rose be safe, Doctor? Will she ALWAYS be safe?!
Doctor: Well, no, but if she stays in Cardiff she could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so what exactly is your point?


Doctor: Ere! You taking the mickey, Ricky?


Doctor: You shopped me to the emergency alien hot line? Why?!
Jackie: Well, because you're an alien. And it was an emergency.
Doctor: Fair enough.


Jackie: Has he got a jail-bait DD blonde inside him, then?
Mickey: I wouldn't put it past him.


Prescot: I need to be naked.
Brigadier: Rejoice in it. Your body is magnificent. And I'm not just saying that. Not even the Doctor's bimbos are that sexy.


Sam Carter: Do you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?
Doctor: Some people have no sense of humor.


Jackie: Finally! A dishy young man who travels through time and space in a police box... and he prefers my daughter! Life's a bitch!


Benton: He'll be smashed to Slitheens!


Dialogue Triumphs -

Rose: The Doctor's not my boyfriend. He's much more... important than that. It's better than that.
Mickey: Said the exact same thing in The Second Coming. It was crap then and it's crap now!


Mickey: I bet you don't even remember my name!
Doctor: Ricky.
Mickey: It's Mickey.
Doctor: No, Ricky.
Mickey: I think I know my own name!
Doctor: You THINK you know your own name?! Just what are you on? And, more to the point, where can I score some?


Doctor: I sort of employed Rose as my companion.
Mickey: Is this a sexual relationship?
Doctor: I wish.


UnQuotable Quote –

Benton: Argh! Babe's on the loose! Rabid pig! RABID PIG!


Links and References -
The Doctor insists he is far too anarchic, anti-establishment and Northern to have ever worked for UNIT/WANK, despite the endless supply of evidence Mickey has to the contrary.


Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor says that Lloyd George used to drink him under the table. Or was it Boy George groping him under the table? Could be both.

Rose: You're so gay, Doctor!
Doctor: No I'm not! I haven't been for the last three incarnations!



K9 Conspiracy –
That spray-painted punk scrawls the words 'K9 RULES' on the side of the TARDIS. Coincidence? I think not!

A sign held by an individual in the crowd desiring to see the aliens read "WELCOME BACK, K9!"

Kevin's last name is Nein -- K. Nein? Get it? No? No.

One of the less bizarre statements Jon Prescot makes is "We have nothing to fear, Kirsty, except, of course, and I'll repeat that, nothing to fear except canines of course."

Plus the UNIT passwords, natch.


Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -

A spaceship crashes into Big Ben. A huge glorified plane is deliberately piloted into an iconic tall building in a major Western city, and the world immediately goes into mass panic, just as intended. Oh, and the leader of the country is nowhere to be found.
Stop me if you've heard this one before.


Groovy DVD Extras –
A photo gallery of naked Slitheens carrying machine guns. Heheh.


Psychotic Nostalgia –
"It all makes sense! K9 RULES refers to the fact that the Doctor, is, in fact, Rose's mother! And Mickey is Jackie AFTER the sex-change!"


Viewer Quotes -

"A lot of people complained about the farting in this story, but I timed it – don't look at me like that – and it comes to 20 seconds! 20 BLOODY SECONDS! I've produced INDIVIDUAL farts that have lasted longer than that! I once let one rip and ring out for an entire 40 seconds... It was a bad moment to be around me, I admit. I didn't follow the fart through to its natural end, but it followed ME around for a few days, I can tell you!" - Rik "Whiffy" Mayall (2005)


"FECK-IN' GOV-ERN-MENT, THAT IS, AN-DREW!"
"Yeah, well, it IS Prime Minister's Question Time, isn't it?"
"YOU NO-TICE HOW THEY NEV-ER AC-TU-AL-LY AN-SWER THE QUEST-IONS? WARE THEM, AN-DREW, THEY ARE A-LI-EN BE-INGS FROM BE-YOND OUR KEN!!"
"Ken who?"
"THEY CON-SPIRE AG-AINST US, THE WORK-ING MAN!"
"Yeah, Sukatri, but you're not a man and I haven't had a job since, well, I've never had a job, have I?"
"ARE YOU WOR-KING FOR THEM?!"
"Working for who?"
"SEE! YOUR VE-RY CON-FU-SION MARKS YOU OUT AS A GOV-ERN-MENT A-GENT!"
"Sukatri, shut up!"
"NE-VER! WHILE YOU MAY ROT AND BE TA-KEN OVER BY AL-I-EN SLITH-EEN, I, SU-KAT-RI O-DAL-ON, WILL NE-VER SUR-REN-DER! EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE GOV-ERN-MENT! EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE SLITH-EEN! EX-TEEER-MIN-AAAATE!"
*Pow! Bang!*
"Great. Now we need a new TV!"
- Andrew Beeblebrox and his paranoid pet Dustbin Sukatri, after watching the Alias of London DVD (2007)


"Fear not my young padawans. Considering I am a nasty evil snobby intellectual chardonnay-drinking wanker I have no idea why I enjoyed this story so much. It was "brill". I am going to go out and buy myself a pink polar fleecie and a pair of Adidas right now."
- DIY Sheep (2005)


"Damn it, the Slitheen seem to be getting undressed every two seconds in what is certainly just padding that takes away the sense of paranoia and panic that pervaded act one. Fan-TAS-tic, wasn't it?"
- Nigel Verkoff (2005)


"OK, we said there wouldn't be an appearance by Paul McGann for a regeneration scene, Nicholas Courtney would not appear and there would be no historicals or returning monsters, plus the fact we were calling The Restaurant At The End of the World The Restaurant At The End of the Road Next To Apartment Where I'm Sure They're Smoking Whacky-Backy, and caused thirteen deaths when we told people shoving tuna up your arse prevents drowning BUT... RTD is gay. Obviously, we're better, more sophisticated, more charming, more attractive and more reliable. And no sane person will like Alias of London."
- eyeofsauros.com.uk (2005)


"This story is one of the best things, ever. This is quite possibly the best thing that has ever been filmed in the name of family entertainment, and on top of that it had naked chicks, and on top of that it had a proper sense of humanism, and... well, everything, really. How fucking great does 'I, Dustbin' look? Tonight I love the world and everything in it. Hand me my submachine gun, I'm just popping down to the local high school."
- Mad Larry The Pirate King (2005)


"Alias of London was nothing but a string of "fan-TAS-tics" interspersed by countless moments of alien flatulence and half-naked blonde teenagers jiggling up and down in front of military idiots. This is, without doubt, the BEST show on television!!"
- Father James O'Malley (2005)


Billie Piper Speaks!
"I like to think of Russell as an insane wizard, sitting at home all day watching reality TV as he writes scripts. But then, I'm a realist."


Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"My first day of filming Doctor Who, I had to run after a midget in a space suit pretending to be a pig. Would YOU stay in that job?"


Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I was inspired to write Alias of London by the Girls Aloud video of Jump, to accompany Love, Actually. Because the pop video shows girls sneaking into Downing Street and run around, I simply wrote a flimsy excuse for this in a Doctor Who story. Half of Barroom Brawl Three is just that film clip. Oh look! My credibility's throwing itself off the Tower Bridge and into the waters below. Of course, writing a four-parter differs from writing a two-parter, because it takes longer."


Trivia –
After the mysterious deaths of Jim Callahan and Pope Jean Paul II, suddenly, Sir John Mills was found dead moments after the final credits of Barroom Brawl Three were shown. The Who Serial Killer was now confirmed as murdering celebrities at the end of every new Doctor Who story.


Rumors & Facts -

Alias of London (named because although the story is set there, at no point does production leave Wales) is an allegory, believe it or not. But this is not a biting indictment of modern political climates, rather a damning revelation of what happens at BBC Wales when you're not looking.

Look at it! The Slitheen are able to execute their insane plan with ridiculous and plausible ease and can devastate humanity after getting control of just one building.

It's a metaphor for Doctor Who being hijacked by some crazy idiots with nothing more than a modified animal and some disguises to help them - they rely upon our panic. And it works!

However, no one else believes me.

Filled with boring angst replete with Big Character Moments (or, to translate, schmaltzy self-obsessed crap), this story was originally entitled "The Amazing New Adventures of Doctor Who: the Last of the Time Lords from The Journeys of Rose Tyler Being a Fantastical Tale of a Young Earth Wanderer and Interplanetary Explorer within The Environs of A Gentleman's TARDIS Part Four: Act One - The Young Miss Tyler Finds That Time Has Flown By Without Her Having Fun And A Pig Has Crashed A Flying Saucer Into Big Ben Not To Mention The Farting Oh God The Farting".

In order to piss off the fans, Russell T Davies decided that, rather than have sensible names like 'part 1', the episodes would have individual titles with the following combinations being painstakingly laughed at, crumpled up and thrown into the bin:

Unwelcome Hosts / Harsh Lessons
The Spaceship / Conspiracy Theory
Aliens of London / People of London
Treachery / We Shall Be Changed
First Contact / Last Contact

Due to an administrative cock-up, this four-parter story was – despite being the fourth story in the season – was filmed second, and was forced to share the same modern setting as Ruse (as well as recurring guest stars Camille Coduri, Noel Clarke, Nicholas Courtney and John Levene).

The very first scene filmed for the new Doctor Who series was in fact from 10 Downer Street, recorded on July 18th, 2004 and featured the Brigadier seducing Dr Sato with a cocktail olive.

By now it was realized that they would be very lucky to keep Christopher Eccleston for the rest of this series, let alone another. In order to give the Ninth Doctor more screen time, RTD ordered that every 45-minute story be split into two 24-minute episodes and the series be broken into three. The first 'season' would end with Alias of London, the second with Shell Shock, and the third with The Michaelmas Evasion.

Unfortunately, no one took a blind bit of notice, showed the episodes in their 45-minute format without exception and also, in sheer spite, added 'Next Time...' trailers after every cliffhanger.

The BBC, eh? What a bunch of wankers.

Alias of London had a long-standing effect on all Doctor Who – just not a particularly noticeable one. However, before the first series had finished airing on June 18 2005, it had spawned two sequels, the ninth story Funky Town and the BBC Book The Lobster Offside.

---------
Next Time...
---------
"It's a great big museum!"
"A spam museum. Someone's got a hobby – and very bad breath."
"The cell contains my one living specimen. I call it the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom."
"It must have fallen on its arse, the only survivor of the Temporal Difference of Opinion."
"It's cleaning them! Do something!"
"I swear – no one on this base is safe! Ooh, that rhymes."
"You've got to keep it in that cell."
"It can't get out, that lock's got a million combinations."
"Is the door actually CLOSED though?"
"No. Oh dear. ARRRGH!"
"Unarmed civilians? Open fire!"
"That thing downstairs is going to scrub every last one of us!"
"Nearest town?"
"Cardiff."
"Population"
"Two thousand."
"Not for long."
"If you want orders, follow this one – GO TO YOUR ROOM!"
"Nearly there – unless something unforeseen and tragic happens."
"I'm here about the text message. Is that you, Shane Warne? It's me, the Doctor."
"WHAT?!"
"Impossible! Or, at the very least, damned improbable!"
"I DIDN'T CATCH THAT. ENUNCIATE! EN-UN-CI-ATEEEE!!"
---------
...I, Dustbin...
---------


BONUS! DOCTOR WHO AUDITIONS!

RTD was not so completely deranged when he cast Christopher "This Is Me Swanning Off!" Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor. A dozen other artistes were considered for the role and their audition tapes are transcribed here to show you the alternatives that made Chris Eccleston seem like such a sensible choice.

RTD's first choice for the Ninth Doctor was well-known movie actor and user of only the finest prostitutes, Hugh Grant, who had previously played the Eleventh Doctor in The Curse of Fatal Death before his untimely and very fatal death.

During pre-production on Alias of London, it was decided that Grant should portray the Doctor for the next five years. Grant's Doctor wore the uniform of a WW2 Kamikaze pilot and refused to perform anything other than imitation iambic pentameter.

Half-way through location filming however, Grant had slept with the entire female cast and insulted the caterers. RTD ordered Grant to go to his dressing room and think hard about what he'd done.

Grant was never seen again and Alias of Londons was remounted with the 'talents' of Christopher Eccleston, who by the end of filming had insulted the entire female cast and slept with the caterers.


Extract from "Doctor Who – Lost And Alone In Quarantine On The Edge Of The Forgotten Derelict Of The Dustbins" Episode 2:

(Setting: The confinement cell. The Doctor [Hugh Grant] enters and sees a Dustbin [voice by Nicholas Briggs, body by Barney the Dinosaur] chained to the corner. Cautiously, the Doctor approaches.)

Dustbin: Do you know me?

Doctor: Excellent well; you are an exterminator.

Dustbin: Not I.

Doctor: Then I would you were so honest a being.

Dustbin: Honest?

Doctor: Ay, sir; to be honest, as this universe goes, is to be one man picked out of twenty bajillion.

Dustbin: That is true.

Doctor: For if Lavros breed mutants on a dead world, being a Distbun kissing carrion... Have you an Emperor?

Dustbin: I have.

Doctor: Let him not walk i' the sun: for legs are a blessing: but not as your creator may conceive. Friend, look to 't.

Dustbin: (Aside) How say you by that? Still harping on my creator: yet he knew me not at first; he said I was an exterminator: he is far gone, far gone: and truly in my embryo-hood I suffered much extremity for hate; very near this. I'll speak to him again. What do you read?

Doctor: Words, words, words.

Dustbin: What is the matter?

Doctor: Between who?

Dustbin: I mean, the matter that you read.

Doctor: Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says here that cyborgs have metal arses, that their bumps are rusty, their plungers limp as old weeds, and that they have a powerful lack of wit, together with most weak eyestalks; all which, sir, though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a Macra you could go backward.

Dustbin: (Aside) Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't. I will rise into the air!

Doctor: Into your grave.

Dustbin: That is not into the air... My venerable foe, I will shortly take your life from you.

Doctor: You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will more willingly part withal: except your life, except your life, except your life.

Dustbin: Yeah? Well you've got stupid hair!