ACT TWO – BARROOM BRAWL III!
The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to remove his ID card and slaps it onto the Brigadier in a deadly electric nipple cripple. The feedback incapacitates the soldier.
The Doctor screams, "You wanted the polarity reversed? Well, you've got it, Alistair! I've shown you a great deal of consideration over the years BUT THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE! FRY, YOU BASTARD! FRYYYY!"
Parte The Third
Elsewhere, Harriet and Rose decide sensibly to bolt for the door as 'M's' charms have no effect on them.
Meanwhile, Mickey bursts into Jackie's flat and saves her by groping the Slitheen and rendering it unconscious with his critical mass of testosterone - pausing only to snap a picture on his cell phone of him groping the Slitheen.
The Doctor bolts out of the briefing room to fetch help, and, with the lure of cheesy nibbles, leads the soldiers back to kill the extremely alien infiltrators.
However, the Slitheen has disguised itself as Prescot once again and – when the Doctor accuses Prescot of being a Pamela Anderson clone in disguise – Benton thinks the Doctor has finally gone crazy.
Upstairs, Harriet realizes that they've left the port in the Cabinet office, but the Slitheen-M is right behind them, so Harriet's mordant alcoholism has to be put on hold.
The Doctor is cornered by UNIT troops in the corridor, Benton all-too-capable of believing the Doctor murdered the other experts with his sonic screwdriver just to look cool. The Brigadier orders them to execute him on the spot; fortunately, they've backed him up against a lift, and the Time Lord pops inside and closes the doors before they can shoot.
"Ah, UNIT stupidity," the Doctor sighs wistfully. "Best in the world."
The Doctor's lift stops briefly on the next floor, but when he sees a Slitheen looming over Harriet and Rose, the Doctor squeals and escapes via the lift up one more floor and then descends via the staircase.
The Brigadier orders Benton to shoot the Doctor on sight while he and Prescot head upstairs – and on the way, the Brig convinces the Slitheen to dispose of her flatulent human disguise so he can revel in her glorious nudity. Lucky bastard.
'Prescot' and the Brigadier join 'M' as she closes in on Harriet and Rose when suddenly the Doctor swings through the window armed with fire extinguishers and is able to drive them back and escape with the humans in one fluid move. Very realistic it is, too.
Harriet leads the Doctor back to the Cabinet office to fetch the port, but the Slitheen are only a few steps behind them, various bits of them bouncing and jiggling in such a way I doubt the CGI technicians have had sex in a very, very long time.
The Doctor holds them off with the bottle of port, threatening to use his sonic screwdriver to increase its flammability. The Brigadier calls his bluff and so the Doctor delivers a brief lecture on the history of the Cabinet offices... up to the installation of invisible magic security bulkheads, which he now activates, sealing the Slitheen out of the room!
Proving their intelligence inversely proportional to their bra size, the Slitheen completely believe him – much to the incredulity of the Brigadier. Angrily, the Brigadier boasts the Slitheen is not the name of the race but their surnames – 'M' and 'Prescott' are just too dumb blond to pronounce their species name and, together with their sisters are here to... do something, but they've actually forgotten.
The Slitheen and the Brigadier wander off to remember what their evil plan actually is, and Rose suddenly realizes out that the invisible force fields have now trapped them inside the cabinet.
The Doctor begins headbutting the wall.
As the rest of the Slitheens arrive at 10 Downing Street for a brain storming session on what the hell they are actually supposed to be doing, Mickey and Jackie flee to his flat. They could have got there in minutes but have taken three hours because Mickey just doesn't trust trash bins any more.
The Slitheen has re-assumed the form of David Beckham and is hunting for them between belches and farts.
In the Cabinet office, the Doctor places the bodies Blair and Kevin in the cupboard while carefully picking their pockets. The Doctor explains, apropos of nothing, that the Slitheen's underwear generate compression fields that enable them to shrink their bodies down to fit inside human skins; the gas is a side effect of their diet of champagne, pizza and bulimia.
It occurs to the Doctor that he knows Harriet Jones' name from somewhere, but he can't recall exactly where, proving that even fictional characters are sometimes unable to make witty retorts and poetic conversation at the drop of a sonic screwdriver.
Rose suggests that they launch a missile at the Slitheen, and Harriet thinks she's spending far too much time with the nutter in the leather jacket who threatens to blow people up with a flask of vintage wine.
"What are you?" Harriet demands. "Pyromaniacs or something?"
Mickey then sends Rose the image of him getting off with a Slitheen with the text message FOUND SOME1 BETTA!
Harriet realizes that they can use the phone to call the Doctor's friends for help. The Doctor reveals all his useful friends are, in fact, dead downstairs. "You don't have any friends who are alive?" asks Harriet disbelievingly. "You need to get out more!"
Rose, however, has friends. Well, her mum and boyfriend, so they'll phone them. The Doctor swallows his pride (and his bile) and asks Mickey for help, giving him the secret password 'k9000' that will enable him to log onto UNIT's secure website and save the day.
As Mickey works, however, Jackie demands to know whether her daughter will remain a virgin while with the Doctor -- and the Doctor is unable to answer her question.
"The Doctor hated Jackie. He preferred Rose. His companion. His bird. Jackie had no right to steal Rose away from him – even if she WAS her mother and HAD looked after her every day for the last nineteen years. He needed Rose so much more than these humans could ever understand.
Could he keep her safe? No.
Could he return her to Jackie's waiting arms? Probably not.
Could he promise never to hurt her? He knew he couldn't.
But could he lose her before they had some sex? Never."
David Beckham strips of the skin suit and begins to break down the door to Mickey's flat in the most erotic manner possible. Mickey is certain he can use his mojo to hold off the alien while Jackie flees.
The Slitheen attacks...
Parte The Fourth
The Doctor realizes that the Slitheens (or Raxacoricofallapatorians to give their proper, legal name as entered in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) are vulnerable to chocolate.
Jackie runs to the kitchen and hurls a Mars bar at the approaching Slitheen, which blinks in surprise for a moment and then expands rapidly from the calories before finally exploding, coating Mickey's kitchen with a wet sludge.
Deprived of shagging an alien proves almost too much for Mickey's sanity but, when the Doctor calls him Ricky, he SNAPS.
The Doctor desperately urges Jackie and Mickey to gather all the chocolate they can and attack the seat of English government, but Mickey simply laughs wildly and, using the password, hacks into the Royal Navy and launches a nuclear missile from the nearest offshore submarine, the HMS Deathtrap at 10 Downing Street.
"That'll teach him," Mickey laughs insanely.
Meanwhile, the Brigadier has convinced the Slitheen to nick the plot from Independence Day – they must address the nations of the world, claim that Earth is under attack by hostile alien forces capable of unleashing weapons of mass destruction within 45 seconds and that the only way to save the planet is fire their missiles at Britain.
'Prescot' does so and the UN are more than happy to blow up the UK.
The Doctor, finally understanding the truth, 'opens' the bulkheads to
speak to 'M' for some last minute exposition.
The Slitheen were actually here on a vacation until two of them got appallingly drunk and, after medically operating on a pig, accidentally crashed their ship spectacularly. In a panic, they invaded government and now the Brigadier suggests they can trigger "the biggest barroom brawl in the universe" and reduce Earth "to a couple of cinders, floating around in Spain"!
The Doctor points out this will, sort of, kill them as well and Slitheen realize they better get the hell out of here.
Dawn breaks over London, and while Mickey blocks the counter-defences on the coast, the missile hurtles over the countryside. Benton rushes up to the Prime Minister's office and finds the Brigadier ogling the Slitheen in their glorious nudity.
Benton rolls his eyes and runs out of 10 Downing Street. As no one believes about the alien space babes or the approaching missile, he claims that John Prescot is about to explode and the building is evacuated in under thirty seconds.
Moments later, 10 Downing Street blows up and Mickey lights a cigarette – two years of sexual frustration relieved in this deeply Freudian moment.
In the best tradition of The Blues Brothers, the Doctor, Rose and Harriet emerge, alive and intact from the blazing ruin. When Benton rushes up to investigate, Harriet immediately takes charge, ordering him to contact the UN and inform them that the crisis is over.
The Doctor now knows where he recognized her name - Harriet Jones is going to be a future three-term Prime Minister, the architect of Britain's forthcoming 'Even GREATER Depression', which makes the Stalinist purges look like a busy post office in comparison.
Now in Britain, under the iron chastity belt of Harriet Jones PM, asparagus is compulsory dinner, corsets are be worn at all times, anyone involved in a vet program is to be executed without trial and free liquor to anyone whose initials are H.J.
The Doctor offers Rose the only way out of this madness, neatly glossing over the fact he has caused his reign of terror himself.
Night falls over London, and the Doctor spray-paints "TARDIS YOUNG TEAM DOC + ROSE YA BAS" on the door of the flat where the graffiti-artist lives. He then scribbles "CYBERMEN - PISS IN HERE" above the letterbox and "I TAKE IT UP THE COUNCIL" on the window.
Rose finally finds him and agrees to get the hell out of here. They run back to the TARDIS as Mickey and Jackie find them – the latter very annoyed that after all her lectures Rose is still happy to fly off into the unknown with a strange Northerner in a leather jacket.
Rose defends herself, pointing out she left a note ("DEAR MUM, I'VE GONE. BYE. LOVE, ROSE").
"Mickey sat on the bench with the adult magazine as Rose bid a tearful farewell to her mother, promising to return the moment Harriet Jones was impeached and order restored.
Mickey knew that she's be back, though. She couldn't afford to leave him for more than a few hours. He was irresistible. She'd come crawling back to him any second.
Without another word, the Doctor and Rose ran into the police box, which promptly disappeared with a wheezing, groaning sound.
Mickey was unconcerned. Rose would return any minute, knowing what a mistake she made and how damn cool he was. Besides, the TARDIS was a time machine. She would be back in ten seconds.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
Nope, still nothing.
Oh well, Mickey thought, studying the centre-fold of the adult magazine. They'd probably got caught up in some ludicrously complicated Slitheen plot to take over a solar system of prison planets or something like that. Once they'd sorted that out, Rose would be back to the here and now quick and smart.
Any second now.