Friday, January 1, 2010

9th Doctor - Return of the Daleks (iii)

Scene 25 – ET Fairfax’s Room

[The Doctor is looking through a convenient microscope as the others stand around, bored.]

DOCTOR: [thoughtful] Mmmmm.... just as I thought. Things.

SUE-ELLEN: “Things”?! Is that all you’ve got to say?

DOCTOR: I forgot the technical term. Anyway, why should I have to handle all the technobabble? [to Wolff] Hey, you, dog woman. You’re supposed to be the scientist. What do you make of that?

[Wolf looks for herself.]

WOLFF: But... that isn’t remotely like blood...

GUNTHER: It’s green.

SUE-ELLEN: Yeah, we got that, thanks Gunther.

DOCTOR: Curious, isn’t it? Your blood’s purpose is to carry oxygen, isn’t it?

WOLFF: Well, yes, of course...

DOCTOR: Sorry, I get you higher anthropoids mixed up. The point is, Dustbins don’t need oxygen. They’re designed for eradicating dirt, they pretty much don’t need anything, because need’s a weakness and weakness is bad.

[Behind them, a tell-tale wisp of smoke starts to come out of the microscope. None of the others notice.]

WOLFF: Remind me, we took this blood out of Mr. Fairfax. What does a Dustbin have to do with it?

DOCTOR: Gordon Bennett you’re thick. What do you think did that to him?

[He indicates the mutant ET Fairfax in the coffin. Green smoke is now pouring out of the microscope.]

WOLFF: So what’s the green stuff for if it’s not blood? It doesn’t flow, it seems firmly set...

DOCTOR: Skeletal support. Your husband’s blood has turned to guacamole. But a guacamole of strange and frightening power. A sort of bleach you could dip corn chips in... to clean them. It’d be stupid to eat them. Imagine that, having bleach in your veins. How Zen.

[The left-hand side of the room is now filled with thick green fumes. Gunther notices.]

GUNTHER: Doctor! The room is now filled with thick green fumes!

[Everyone in the room begins to cough.]

DOCTOR: It knows we’re analyzing it, it’s trying to stop us! Bloody Nation Estate copyright...

WOLFF: Is it poisonous?

DOCTOR: Oh yes, but it will take the mould off the walls like nobody’s business. Must be a way to combat it...

[The Doctor takes out a pint of lager from his leather jacket pocket and throws it at the heart of the smoke, then adds another hip flask’s contents. Through the green clouds, the microscope explodes. Now coughing violently, the Doctor waves away the smoke to reveal the desk is now empty.]

DOCTOR: Destroyed itself and polished the tabletop before I could learn anything. Typical Dustbin self-defense spring cleaning, unsubtle but effective. You could eat off that! As long as you like the taste of Mr. Sheen...

SUE-ELLEN: So you’ve learned nothing?

DOCTOR: Oh, not quite. Your husband, Mrs. Fairfax, has turned into an alien!

[Sue-Ellen, Wolff and Gunther stare at the mutant ET in shock.]

SUE-ELLEN: My God, you’re right!

[The Doctor sighs in despair.]

Scene 26 – Dustbin Cell

[Adam stands by the door, tapping his foot impatiently. In the foreground, Rose stands listening to the Dustbin.]

DUSTBIN: “No”-means-no! Oh-if-only-I-could-remove-the-chip-that-causes-pain... They-chain-me-up. Torture-me. Use-me-abuse-me-batter-and-bruise-me. Then-when-they-tire-of-raping-me-I-am-sold-at-auction-to-other-such-perverts...

[Long pause.]

ROSE: It doesn’t sound nice, does it?

DUSTBIN: Any-yet-they-fancy-me. You. Rose-Tyler. Do-you-fancy-me?

ROSE: [shrugs] Yeah. Guess.

DUSTBIN: But-not-so-much.

ROSE: No, I really think you’re attractive... all hard vibrating metal and phallic imagery... Sure.

ADAM: Excuse me, buster, I saw her first!

DUSTBIN: Piss-off. Come-close-Rose-Tyler.

[She does so. There is the sound of heavy, awkward breathing from within the Dustbin.]

DUSTBIN: Oh-yeah-they’re-real-all-right...

ROSE: Sorry?

DUSTBIN: What? Oh-right. Ahem. [weakly] I-am-dying.

ROSE: Aw. I’m sorry.

DUSTBIN: Don’t-be. I-welcome-death. But-I-am-glad. That-before-I-die. I-met-a-human-who-was-not-ashamed-of-finding-me-sexy.

[Incredibly moved, Rose hugs the Dustbin and sobs.]

ADAM: [sneers] Oh, trying to come across as all pathetic so she’ll fall for you? [crazed grin] Brilliant idea...

ROSE: [sobbing] Isn’t there anything I can do?


ROSE: [instantly composed] Oh, well. [moves away] Life goes on...

DUSTBIN: [hastily] Wait-there-is-one-thing!!

ROSE: What?

[A large chunk of Dustbin casing peels back to reveal darkness.]

DUSTBIN: When-we-are-dying-a-Dustbin-can-pass-on-its-genetic-material.

ROSE: Through there?

ADAM: That rather Freudian orifice?

DUSTBIN: It-would-reach-inside-my-body. I-would-take-what-I-needed-to-survive.

ROSE: Mickey was always asking me to do stuff like that... So, you’d live?


ADAM: Hang on, if you think I’m letting a prospective lover stick parts of her body inside you, you got another thing coming! Besides, she’s not a Dustbin, is she? It wouldn’t work?

DUSTBIN: Oh-yah-I-hadden-fort-of-dat! It-may-work-OK?

ROSE: It’s worth a try, surely?

DUSTBIN: [almost gleeful] But-I-cannot-tell-a-lie. It-may-cause-you-great-pleasure.

ROSE: Mickey said that, too... this is like destiny or something?

ADAM: Aw, Rose, I can cause you great pleasure! Guaranteed!

DUSTBIN: Do-you-find-me-attractive? Do-you-really-want-me?

ROSE: Yeah.

DUSTBIN: Then-let-me-live!

ADAM: Rose... Please... I think this might make me vomit...

[But slowly, apprehensively, she puts her hand into the Dustbin.]

DUSTBIN: Deeper... deeper... Oh.....oooooooh......mmmmmmhhh...

[And then, suddenly, Rose cries out, gasping and howling in sexual ecstasy. Adam grimaces. Suddenly a bass guitar line from Steppenwolf’s Born to be Wild starts to play...]

Scene 27 – ET Fairfax’s Room

[Just as the Doctor, Sue-Ellen, Gunther and Wolff leave, ET’s bloodshot eyes snap open.]

ET: ...thank god they’ve finally pissed off.

Scene 28 – Exhibit Room

[In its glass case, the ‘egg whisk’ tube starts to quiver as the tacky BBC prop it is perched on wobbles.]


[Rose is still making moaning noises. Adam finally tears his gaze from her panting chest.]

ADAM: Rose! Stop it! You’ll frighten the horses!

[With Rose still... ahem... attached, the Dustbin begins to rise up off its plinth, to hover a few metres off the ground, exultant and clearly turned on. Its chains are pulled taut.]

#Looking like a trash can – with mop and a squeegee! It’ll clean up the cosmos now that the Dustbin is free!#

#Yeah, that is one real mutha, who’ll take the world in iron embrace! Nowhere on Earth to hide! It comes from outer space!#

#It’ll belch smoke and lightning, heavy metal thunder! Speaking with staccato, and tearing world asunder!#

#Yeah, that is one real mutha, who’ll take the world in iron embrace! Nowhere on Earth to hide! It comes from outer space!#

#Like the fifth horseman, cleaning spick and span! It doesn’t climb high coz it’s learned how to fly...


Scene 30 – Exhibits Room

[The tube rattles feverishly against the glass case and we see Simmons is jumping up and down in front of it with an even-more-macabre-than-usual grin on his face as he tries to make the prop collapse.]

Scene 31 – ET Fairfax’s Room

[ET looks rather unwell.]

ET: God, what do they put in those all-beef patties?

[He lifts his mutated hand and looks on in horror as, like the tentacle of the Dustbin, it opens its mouth and belches...]


[Having sufficiently groped Rose, Adam actually tries to pull her free, only for her to collapse atop the pathetic weakling, who falls to the floor. Before them, the Dustbin flexes and the chains holding it snap.]

(ADAM pulls ROSE free, who collapses to the floor. The chains holding the DUSTBIN snap.)

Scene 33 – Exhibit Room

[The case has finally fallen off its perch and shattered onto the studio floor. The tube flies up off the floor and into Simmons’ hands in the same eerie manner as if he’d just dropped it and then had the film played backwards.]

SIMMONS: Groovy.

Scene 34 – ET Fairfax’s Room

[ET finally finishes coughing, burping and farting – as if by a switch. An ominous pause. Another fart.]

ET: Ahhh. Much better. Time to get to work.

[He shuffles out of his coffin.]


[Adam manages to roll the unconscious Rose off him and sees the Dustbin floating in mid-air above him.]

ADAM: Sod this for a game of soldiers...

[He scrambles clumsily to his feet and sprints to the open doorway.]

DUSTBIN: Stop! Do-not-ambulate-punk!

[He stops, terrified and on the brink of losing bladder control.]

DUSTBIN: I-am-alive! Go! Tell-the-Doctor! Tell the bitch I’m ready to dance!

ADAM: Sure! Whatever you want!

[He bolts out of the room.]


[Adam sprints out past Bywater and Briggs who are eating D’you Believe This? Pizza.]

ADAM: Lock the door! If anyone needs me, I’m off to New Zealand...

BRIGGS: You cold-blooded lizard!

BAYWATER: Hey, we warned you. Don’t come crying to us...

[Baywater looks through the open door and sees the Dustbin exultantly spinning in mid-air.]

BRIGGS: [gasps] My taste buds are exhausted...

Scene 37 – Office

[Goddard is behind her desk, doing the sudoku, which Gunther repeatedly trying to snatch it back. Meanwhile, the Doctor, Wolff and Sue-Ellen are talking about stuff vaguely relevant to the ongoing plot.]

SUE-ELLEN: So ET is turning into a Dustbin?

DOCTOR: [patronizingly] Yep. You got the picture. For once.

WOLFF: How? Why?

DOCTOR: Maybe he got a bit too intimate with his pet alien. The Dustbin’s desperate. Alone, away from its own kind, surrounding by human skin flakes and dirt... It’s trying to pass on its genetic material without even a by-your-leave. Wham bam thank you Fairfax. But, get this, we’re in luck.

GUNTHER: We are?

[Goddard uses this excuse to snatch back the book. They go back to fighting.]

DOCTOR: The Dustbin is dying. It’s love juice isn’t what it used to be – in fact it’s too weak even for the mutation to stabilize. So... yay us.

SUE-ELLEN: So you can save ET Fairfax?

DOCTOR: Huh? When did I say anything about saving him? I thought you were paying attention. He’s dead. Or dead as far as you’d understand it, which isn’t very far at all now I come to think about it. He’s barely human at all now. Mind you, he thought you were a catch, so he was long gone before the Dustbin played hide the plunger...

SUE-ELLEN: There must be something you can do!

DOCTOR: Mayyyyyybe. Maybe not.

SUE-ELLEN: I’d advise you to try!

[Gunther snatches up a gun, clubs Goddard unconscious and takes his sudoku book.]

SUE-ELLEN: [snaps fingers] Gunther!

[Rolling his eyes, Gunther gets up and aims the gun at the Doctor.]

DOCTOR: Oh, look, the Americans resort to violence. What a surprise!

WOLFF: [disturbed] Whoa, heavy... I think I might just check up on ET for a bit...

[She runs out. Gunther approaches the Doctor and aims the gun at his head. The Doctor stares him down, unafraid since he’s the main character and he’s bound to survive. We now notice that the figure in white is standing in the open doorway, watching events unfold.]

SUE-ELLEN: Now are you going to help him or are we going to redecorate this office with a hint of your brains?

DOCTOR: It’s impossible to help him. Every cell in his body is being destroyed, one by one, by something more alien and far more goal-oriented than you can conceive of – not that that’s very difficult. No deal.

[A long moment of impasse... then Gunther cocks the gun and is about to pull the trigger. The Watcher is hopping with excitement. The hammer pulls back... and then the intercom beside Goddard’s unconscious body beeps. Sue-Ellen crosses to it as Gunther gently releases the trigger without blowing the Doctor’s head off his shoulders. The Watcher sags with disappointment and stalks off, annoyed.]

SUE-ELLEN: What have I told you about interrupting me when I’m ordering cold-blooded murder?!?!

BYWATER: [vo] Ah, yeah, sorry about that madam. Little thing’s come up at the moment. Nothing major or anything, no need to get upset or anything, I just thought...

SUE-ELLEN: What is it, Bywater?

BYWATER: [vo] Well, it’s the creature in the cell.

SUE-ELLEN: What about the creature in the cell?

BYWATER: [vo] Heh. You’re gonna laugh...

DOCTOR: Don’t tell me, it’s done a deal with its torturer and tried to break out?

BYWATER: [vo] Well, something along those lines, yeah... Who is this?

DOCTOR: Oh, very clever. I’m the Doctor, the bloke you’ve met twice today already. Remember?

BYWATER: [vo] Not really, no.

DOCTOR: God, I hate Americans. Well, Sue-Ellen, you better contain the Dustbin before it gets loose and quite literally wipes the floor with the lot of you. [into comm] Oh, you with the brain damage, I saw the webcam in that cell. Show us what’s happening. Least this time, it’s not on audio...

SUE-ELLEN: [to Gunther] Get all guards in the lower vaults and tell them to go to the alien’s cell immediately!

GUNTHER: Uh... didn’t we make sure none of the guards know about the lower vaults at all?

SUE-ELLEN: Don’t spoil a beautiful plan, Gunther.

Scene 38 – ET Fairfax’s Room

[Wolff re-enters the room. The coffin is empty.]

WOLFF: Man, that was getting way too intense for me... [notices coffin] Uh oh. This is not good...

[ET is right behind her, grinning toothlessly.]

WOLFF: ...this is not good at all...

[ET clubs her down with savage force.]

WOLFF: [vo] See, I told you so...

Scene 39 – Office

[The Doctor and the now-conscious Goddard are watching the computer monitor. It shows the Dustbin float to the floor beside a prone body.]

DOCTOR: Hang on. I’d recognize those hips anywhere... Rose! [sobs] She didn’t even last the week!

GODDARD: She’s breathing.

DOCTOR: So she is. Always knew staring at her bosom could be helpful.

[He snatches up the intercom.]

DOCTOR: Oi! Rose! Wake up!

Scene 40 – Dustbin Cell

[We linger on Rose’s flushed, sweaty, limp form and the contented smile on her lips.]

DOCTOR: [vo] Rose! Can you hear me? That better not be a look of sexual satisfaction on your face...

[She wakes from her doze.]

ROSE: [huskily] Doctor? It’s not what it looks like...

Scene 41 – Office

[On the screen, Rose sits up, running her hands down her body.]

DOCTOR: [urgently] Rose! Get out of there before he has his wicked way with you!

ROSE: [dist] What? Again?

[The Doctor groans and headbutts the desk.]

GODDARD: Um, isn’t that alien thing supposed to be killing everyone by now?

DOCTOR: [depressed] It’s exhausted and sated. But it won’t be for long... A Dustbin could pleasure every woman on Earth for a week. That’s one of their more modest claims. The ones about them creating measles and sinking the Titanic are just bullshit...

ROSE: [dist] Doctor, they were torturing it...

DOCTOR: That is no excuse to drop your knickers for it! Or whatever freaky exchange of fluids was entailed. I don’t want to know! Now, be a good little companion and set the electricity supply to maximum. You have to do it quickly, before the Dustbin wakes from its hazy, orgasm-induced doze! FRY THE SMEGGER!

ROSE: [dist] No, you’ll hurt it...

DOCTOR: That’s the idea! Look, Rose, all my televisual career I’ve fought the Dustbins. Seen them destroy countless lives, scrub entire worlds clean of life...

ROSE: I thought you said, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”?

DOCTOR: Forget that Ghandi shit and kill it while still have a chance...

Scene 42 – Dustbin Cell

[Rose is angrily shouting at the ceiling like a crazy person. Behind her, the Dustbin slowly comes to life and turns to face her.]

ROSE: Everywhere we’ve been, you’ve told me to stand up for the oppressed...

DOCTOR: [vo] Only on public transport! Honestly, Rose, concentrate and think for yourself!

ROSE: [angrily] I am thinking for myself!

DOCTOR: [vo] You are? That can’t be a good sign!

[Behind Rose, a suspicious-looking tentacle snakes out of the open Dustbin casing...]

Scene 43 – Office

[The Doctor speaks into the intercomm.]

DOCTOR: You haven’t been infected by Dustbin DNA have you?

ROSE: [dist] Don’t you understand? They tortured it! TORTURE IS BAD!!

[Goddard spots the tentacle rearing up behind Rose on the monitor.]

GODDARD: Look! It’s like those Manga stories...

DOCTOR: Rose! Run! Don’t let it go Henta on you...

[Rose turns as the tentacle hurtles at the screen which turns to static.]

DOCTOR: [aghast] This is getting increasingly disgusting.

Scene 44 – Dustbin Cell


[Rose looks as the tentacle finishes smashing the webcam and hovers in front of her.]

ROSE: Um... are you pleased to see me or something?

DUSTBIN: No-girlfriend-of-mine-talks-to-the-Doctor!

ROSE: You’re not the boss of me! I have my own life! Why shouldn’t I talk to my friend?

DUSTBIN: He-destroyed-my-race-that’s-why! Because-of-him-I-am-the-last-of-the-Dustbins! And-now-he-seeks-to-kill-me-too! He-just-couldn’t-let-it-lie...

ROSE: I don’t believe you... He’s not like that... well... actually he is like that... quite a lot...

DUSTBIN: You-think-you-and-he-are-the-same-because-you-look-the-same. You-bipeds-are-always-so-damned-shallow-and-superficial. But-the-Doctor-is-as-alien-to-you-as-I-am!

ROSE: [thoughtful] I know what you mean. That Felicity Kendall thing is just twisted...

[The tentacle retracts into the Dustbin casing.]

DUSTBIN: I-was-more-interested-in-the-bit-when-he-ordered-you-to-destroy-me...

ROSE: Oh, yeah! How about that?

DUSTBIN: Will-you? Will-you-try-to-destroy-me?

ROSE: [shakes head] No! What do you think I am? Some kind of serial killer or something!

DUSTBIN: Then-leave-me.

ROSE: Fine! Jump my bones then show me the door! Men are all bastards... even when they live inside trash cans!

[She storms over to the door and knocks on it. The door opens and she strides out, shouting over her shoulder.]

ROSE: I’ve had better anyway!

Scene 45 – Outside the Dustbin Cell

[Rose steps through the doorway and is immediately gabbed by armed, non-speaking extras dressed as guards and dragged away from the door as Bywater slams the door shut. There are now three dozen or so soldiers whose mere presence should indicate what utter dead meat they are.]

BYWATER: Hot blonde chick retrieved! We can now use lethal force without any kind of moral question marks hanging over us. God I love being American...

Scene 46 – Office

[The Doctor sits at the desk, sulking. Goddard stands up as Sue-Ellen and Gunther enter.]

SUE-ELLEN: Right. Now that we’ve fully briefed forty-odd armed bastards and sent them into a killing zone, we can get back to civilized conversation. Now, what does the Dustbin want?

DOCTOR: Don’t you people have long term memory? It wants to kill us.

SUE-ELLEN: But, why?!?

[Everyone stares at her.]

SUE-ELLEN: Oh yeah. Locked it in a room and repeatedly tortured and raped it for half a century. I remember.

GUNTHER: So, it wants revenge basically?

DOCTOR: On everyone in this base? Most definitely. On the rest of your civilization? That’s just business as usual. We must prevent it from getting out of this base, no matter what.

SUE-ELLEN: It can’t go anywhere, we’re surrounded by Welsh valleys!

DOCTOR: Where’s your nearest town?

GODDARD: Ten miles.

DOCTOR: Can get there in five minutes. Population?

GODDARD: Fifty. Not including the sheep.

DOCTOR: All dead, and their bodies tidied away for good. Do – you – understand?

[They nod.]

DOCTOR: At last. Right. Now we’re all on the same page, we can concentrate on what’s important...

[At that moment, the mutated ET Fairfax smashes straight through the door to the corridor, shaking its arms, growling and roaring. Sue-Ellen, Gunther and Goddard are scared shitless, but the Doctor just rolls his eyes.]

DOCTOR: Oh, that’s just typical, that is...

SUE-ELLEN: [aghast] ET Fairfax?

[The Doctor climbs onto the desk as Gunther starts screaming and ET lurches forward.]

Scene 47 – Outside the Dustbin Cell

[The guards are all standing around, looking bored – further evidence as to their imminent doom. Rose is talking to Briggs and Bywater. Well, Bywater, at any rate.]

ROSE: It’s not even trying to escape. What’s the big deal?

BYWATER: What’s the big deal? Do you know how many times ET Fairfax’s personal army actually have to protect this establishment? They never have before! This is the first time in twelve years we’ve had to do anything at all! And the last time was when a cat got jammed in the ventilation shafts! We get paid time and a half during emergencies and by jingo, by crikey, we will earn it even if it involves stopping an unarmed alien trashcan getting past a locked door when the locks are on the outside and it doesn’t have any fucking hands. Sorright?

BRIGGS: Sorright!

BYWATER: Exactly! Besides, what can possibly go wrong?

[Rose nods in the direction of behind Bywater and the guards. They turn around to see... Simmons standing at the corner, holding the tube in his hand. His face is now mutated and feelers and tentacles sprout from his neck and cheek.]

BYWATER: Dear God. That’s one nasty STD he’s picked up... [loudly] There’s been an emergency, sir. The cell is sealed. Insane alien dustbin biohazard sort of thing. You understand?

[Simmons ignores him and marches over to the door. He begins to open.]

BYWATER: Don’t blank me, you perverted son of a bitch! AT ARMS!

[The certainly-doomed guards immediately lock and load, training their guns on him. Simmons turns around and gives a macabre smile as he lifts the tube.]

BYWATER: Is it me, or has that disgusting facial condition made him look less downright creepy?

SIMMONS: Yippee-kai-ai, scumbags!

[An x-ray laser bolt fires out of the tube and strikes the nearest guard, who screams and falls – as an expensive CGI ripples over him, briefly showing his skeleton before his corpse hits the floor.]

SIMMONS: Hmmm. Not half as satisfying as flogging...

[He blasts some more guards, and turns to face the door. With a roar, he grabs the door and wrenches it off its hinges due to the incredible cheapness of BBC Wales set design.]

BYWATER: Fire! Christ, do I have to tell you lot to do everything?!

[The remaining guards open fire. Bullets riddle Simmons, but there is no effect as he minces into the cell...]

Scene 48 – Office

[Gunther, Goddard and Sue-Ellen back away as the snarling ET lurches further into the office. The Doctor is his usual calm, urbane self... as he stands on the desk, cowering in terror.]

DOCTOR: Keep away from him. And whatever you do, don’t scream and try to run for it...

[Sue-Ellen cautiously approaches ET.]

GUNTHER: Mrs. Fairfax! That’s not “keeping away” is it?

SUE-ELLEN: You remember Ellie, don’t you? Your little mouse...

ET: [roars] What do you think?

SUE-ELLEN: You’re safe, it’s going to be all right. You’ll see...

DOCTOR: Oi. ET Fairfax. What is it you want?

[ET turns to stare at him and speaks with difficulty.]

ET: I want... I need...

SUE-ELLEN: Yes? Go on. Tell Ellie what you want...

ET: Need!

SUE-ELLEN: Sorry, need.

ET: I need... laxatives...


[He rolls his bloodshot eyes and shouts in the grating voice of a Dustbin...]


[Goddard’s oft-mentioned icy cool snaps. Screaming, she tries to run for it and instantly ET opens his mouth and shoots out a tendril-like, reptilian tongue that skewers her through her miniscule and otherwise irrelevant breasts. She falls to the ground, dead, and nearly pulls ET over. The mutants squeals in a mixture of glee and discomfort as a corpse is jammed on the end of his tongue. The Doctor shakes his head.]

DOCTOR: Oh, give me a break. Did I or did I not tell her NOT to do that?!

Scene 49 – Dustbin Cell

[Still holding the Dustbin gun-stick, the bullet-riddled Simmons stands before the Dustbin proper.]

DUSTBIN: You-have-done-well. Your-victims-will-no-longer-dirty-the-cosmos-with-their-untidy-humanoid-garbage-producing-ways.

SIMMONS: I thought this thing was supposed to help you eradicate dust?

DUSTBIN: It-does. It-just-also-happens-to-be-good-at-slaughtering-human-beings-as-well. Give-it-to-me.

SIMMONS: Oh, I will, my little tin friend. But first, I want to know if this rash you’ve given me will clear up on its own or do I have to suffer the humiliation of going to the chemist? Cause that would REALLY work for me.

DUSTBIN: Replace-the-gun.

SIMMONS: Do all your love bites have this effect? Or am I special? I am! I’m special, aren’t I?

DUSTBIN: Give-me-the-gun-right-this-minute-you-sick-freak!

SIMMONS: Oh no, not yet. Kissy-kissy-kissy, first! Pucker up, my mutant mate.


SIMMONS: [playful] Oh, but how could I do that? You might just kill me right away.

DUSTBIN: [patiently] I-might-not.

SIMMONS: It’s what you’re going to do to everyone else according to your Pikey pal the Doctor.

DUSTBIN: I-shall-spare-only-you. Our-love-will-outlast-the-universe.

SIMMONS: [emotional] Ah. I knew it. Oh, I must tell mother at once. She’s dead, of course, but I keep a photo of her in one of my codpieces to talk to when I get lonely. She’ll be so pleased!

DUSTBIN: Fuck-this-for-a-game-of-soldiers...

[Another part of the Dustbin casing slides open and an impatiently tentacle slides out of the opening, snatches the Dustbin death ray from Simmons’ hand and sucks it back into place, aims and fires in far less time than it actually takes to read this, let alone type it!]


[Too surprised to cry out, Simmons is blasted back against the wall. He reaches out his arms.]

SIMMONS: [dying] Oh, darling... what did I do that was wrong?


[The Dustbin blasts Simmons again and then spins around on the spot, firing blast after blast. The control panels explode, the lights turn to dull emergency red, alarms instantly go off. The Dustbin slows to a halt as it realizes it hasn’t fired at the doorway yet.]

DUSTBIN: Whoops-missed-a-bit.

[The Dustbin carefully takes aim...]

Scene 49 – Outside the Dustbin Cell

[Two of the surviving guards are standing right in front of the door.]

GUARD 1: Well. This is just plain crap in a sandwich, isn’t it?

GUARD 2: Don’t look at me, Chamber. I’m not the one that thought we’d have ‘excitement, adventure and really wild things’ on a trip to Wales. I’m not the one who oh-so-mysteriously lost our traveler’s checks to a pterodactyl. I’m not the one who suggested that joining Fairfax Telecommunications Security Division would ‘be a laugh’. Am I?

GUARD 1: Since you’re so bleeding blameless, Rupert, any ideas to stop us getting exterminated by a flying metal death machine with a jihad against humanity?

GUARD 2: [blows out cheeks] I dare say something will pop up...

[The door explodes, the blast sending the screaming guards across the vault to crash behind some tables. The Dustbin smashes through the tattered remnants of the doors to confront the handful of remaining extras.]

BYWATER: ‘Firing the guns’ would be a good idea!

[The guards open fire. The bullets bounce off the Dustbin, who promptly fires back with a precise volley. As the guards drop dead, the Dustbin fires again and kills some more. Rose turns to Bywater.]

ROSE: Any other good ideas?

BYWATER: Fall back like ninjas on fire!

BRIGGS: There she blows! Nadia! Greg! Run for your lives! Come on!

[The trio sprint around the corner and down the corridor out of view as the Dustbin finishes slaughtering the last of the guards. It glides forward and then halts. One of the balls on its casing begins to unscrew, detaching itself from the Dustbin and floating up into the air. The Dustbin addresses it.]

DUSTBIN: Activate-Orbitus!

[The ball glows.]

DUSTBIN: Good-boy. Stay.

[The Dustbin floats up into the air and flies over the corpses in pursuit of the remaining victims. The ball stays where it is, floating in front of the door. The two guards groggily peer out from behind a table, faces blackened and hair on end.]

GUARD 2: [shaky] S-s-see? T-told you s-something would p-p-p-pop up-p...

[The first guard glares at him and then they both pass out from shock.]

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