9th Doctor - Dalek (ii)

Links and References -
The Doctor tries to set JR up on a date with Lavros, creator of the Dustbins, who blighted the previous five Dustbin TV stories like a dose of cholera.


Untelevised Misadventures -
There are mentions of several missing adventures where Rose seduced two separate pre-pubescent boys to the point they tried to follow her into the TARDIS, as well as facing off against the "Painted Hooker", another Slitheen family, and a conspiracy on Earth where the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise turned out to be an evil alien masterplan.

Stories exactly the same as these can be found in the 9th Doctor BBC Books range The Streetwise Man, The Lobster Inside and Bad Moon Rising, so now you know what to avoid.


K9 Conspiracy –
"So that's your secret. You don't just practice dentistry on this stuff – you scavenge it!"
"Alien junk has been falling to Earth for centuries. All it took was the right mind to use it properly. The advances that I've made from alien technology, you have no idea. Pet Rocks? Ogri. New Coke? Usurians. Broadband? K9."

During this episode, the Geocomtex website lists under its PRODUCTS section K9 Comet Crackers, "a delicious and chunky family snack full of goodness-knows-what".


Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -

The Dustbin now knows everything on the internet. That means it is now familiar with such things as Carry On film trivia, "furry" fandom, and how to train a Japanese rabbit to balance small objects on its head.
Pity it's an uncontrollable death machine.
Bet it would do great on Sale of the Century.


Groovy DVD Extras –
Even MORE shots of the Dustbin being tortured with a black and decker drill as JR screams, "I've got a question for you, Dustbin - Is it safe?! Is it?! IS IT SAFE?!?!"
A cut shot of the Dustbin spotting Lavros' mummified corpse in a display case and sobbing manfully.


Psychotic Nostalgia –
"This new series is brilliant. Unashamedly brilliant. My torture chamber's feng shei is totally sorted out now that I took tips from JR's S & M chamber of pain. This is television that MATTERS!"


Viewer Quotes -

"Robert Shearman's wider career may be continuing an upward trajectory, one that will preclude him from contributing any more to this televised series for some time. For all that, his audio work and this single story marks him out as one of the finest writers in the history of Doctor Who. This is raw and emotional, something that's even got national newspapers talking about metaphor and deeper themes."
– Rob Shearman's agent (2005)


"I preferred Barroom Brawl III. Less Nigel Verkoff in it. And The Presuming Ed. Lot better. No Nigel Verkoff at ALL."
- Andrew Beeblebrox, Nigel Verkoff's flatmate (2005)


"Rob Shearman's script actually makes you feel sorry for the Dustbin, though the incidental music has a lot to do with that. Playing My Friend The Chocolate Cake's 'John Elliot's Nose' over scenes of thousands of guards being slaughtered in cheap negative effects. It would take a very unusual mind to think that up."
- Richard O'Brien (2005)


"Dude, the bit with the Cybermen head in a glass case. True brilliance. A moment in culture with no comparison of any sort. Everything after that was a waste of film, though." – Dave Restal (2005)


"This new Doctor Who is crap. Utter crap. It's just not up to the standard set by Big Finish. Dustbin was not a patch on Dustbin Umpire or D'you Believe This? OK, it was practically the same story with most of the same cast and script, but heck, if we used that as measure of quality, who knows what could happen? The new Doctor Who might not be crap all of a sudden, stuff like that."
- eyeofsauros.com.uk (2005)


"Tonight's episode may not have the zany, off-the-wall buggery associated with the ones written by Russell T. Davies, but Robert Shearman's script - and I can't believe that I'm about to say this - seems strangely original. It concerns the last surviving Dustbin trapped in the grip of an insane dentist. Amid all the excitement, tonight's episode manages to sneak in a message about the redemptive power of human kindness and the way in which victims can turn into oppressors, and also that Billie Piper looks dead hot in a white T-shirt and no knickers. This new Doctor Who is an unqualified triumph."
- The Times, five minutes into watching the episode


"Robert Shearman's script bamboozles expectations, offering a fresh take on the famous metal drama queens, here both more formidable and sympathetic than we've ever seen them in the past. Claustrophobic and suitably melodramatic, this should hopefully show today's kids what was always so wonderful about the iconic image."
- DWM cover review written when they heard Shearman was writing a Dustbin story for the new series (2004)


"For 30 pant shittingly wonderful minutes BBC1's new Doctor Who was the best thing on telly. Ever. The remaining 20 minutes was some crap about an evil rubbish bin and travelling through time and space in a police box. What a heap of shit. Still, Billie's hot." - The Chaser (2005)


"Dustbin?! D'you Believe This with all the interesting bits cut out, more like. Still, if you're gonna rip off someone, always choose someone who won't complain. I learned from that simple mistake."
- Helen Demidemko (2005)


Billie Piper Speaks!
"Throughout the recording of this story, I looked at the Dustbin and thought to myself... What the hell is the big deal about this thing? It's a waste paper bin with a mop on top! WILL YOU LOT GROW UP!!"


Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"The thing about the Dustbins is that you've got this deadly cleaning machine, but inside this tiny, vulnerable, insecure little thing. And who wouldn't want to waste a fucker like that? Anyone?"


Nigella Jay Verkoff Speaks!
"I am delighted to finally take to the screen version of Doctor Who, especially as a character whose sole purpose is to bed Rose. This is fantastic, dude, fan-freaking-tastic! RTD wanted a companion that made Adric look like Colin Firth and, for some reason, the entire production crew turned to me. And what a story to be introduced in! I was amazed at the nude Dustbin scene – especially as it proves I'm better hung than a radioactive mutant. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling confident in my sexual prowess. Mark my words; Adam Mitchell is in this series for the long haul."


Russell T Davies Speaks!
"Rob's script is thrilling, brutal and epic – well, it was the first time I read it, when it was Gobot by Terrance Dicks. Anyway, Dustbins or no Dustbins, this story will prove, once and for all, who the real ultimate enemy of Doctor Who is, beyond any question. That's right. The Moxx of Baloon."


Trivia –
This is, without doubt, the most popular Ninth Doctor story. Which logically explains why my VCR refused to record it. Fuck.


Rumors & Facts -

If you believe executive producer Russell T Davies' pre-publicity material then I, Dustbin in the amazing two-episode finale to the first season of Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor.

If you believe RTD's autobiography Mea Culpa – Where I Went Wrong With Doctor Who, then I, Dustbin is the amazing two-episode premier to the second season of Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor.

If you have even one foot in reality you will believe that I, Dustbin is a 45-minute and the sixth episode in the first and only season of Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor. No doubt, you also think it's amazing. God, you Who fans are sheep! Mindless, useless, stupid sheep!

And I only say that because I think it's amazing too.

I may be alone with my sheep but my sheep are not alone with me.

We sheep are NOT alone!!!

Ahem. OK, facts.

In planning the story arc for the first season of the new Doctor Who series, RTD envisioned a crucial role for the Dustbins in that they would be shown to be crap, useless, and powerless against the might of the Moxx of Baloon.

RTD was then shocked to learn that viewers and fans of Doctor Who in general actually wanted the Dustbins to appear in the new series at some point and not simply be a punching bag for a monster of his own design.

Despite his offer to make every single story revolve around the Moxx of Baloon, it seems that the activities of a blue midget with man-boobs just doesn't compare to Fargo's metal meanies.

RTD was certain that the public were just sheep and simply hadn't yet realized how damn cool the Moxx was.

So, he presented a season outline to the Terry Nation Estate saying that Dustbins would only ever be used as hatstands or condom vending machines in the new series. The name 'Dustbin' would be abandoned, and the Doctor would only refer to them as 'the overrated butt-monkey man-bitches of Fargo'. The suggested Dustbins-destroy-Gallifrey plot was immediately abandoned in favor of a Dustbins-offer-people-Kit-Kats plot instead. The battle-cry 'Exterminate!' would be replaced with 'Poopy-poopy-poo!' and Dustbin modus operandi would involve belching and telling people to pull its plunger. This was to capitalize on the complete failure of Slitheen farting to be embraced by the public.

The Nation Estate did exactly what RTD expected and told Davies to shove his new Doctor Who up his big same-sexual arse.

RTD was delighted and made huge publicity campaigns to show that Dustbins were out and the Moxx of Baloon was in. Then he got a phone call from the Nation Estate saying 'Only kidding.'

Thus, the Dustbins were immediately downgraded to only appear in one episode. The writer assigned the task of reintroducing the Doctor's arch-foes and proving them to be crap was Robert Shearman.

Shearman, still sobbing after the death of his beloved plum pudding, was ordered to give a 'derivative, unoriginal one-parter that makes Dustbins look SO uncool in comparison to the Moxx of Baloon.'

Shearman's work had largely been for an invisible rabbit called Thumper, although he had made a name for himself writing a number of critically-acclaimed Doctor Who audio plays for Big Finish Productions - and under this name he defrauded millions and ultimately Rob Sherman was arrested and send to Devil's Island.

Rob SHEARMAN, meanwhile, had written The Unholy Error (where the Sixth Doctor and Frobisher bitch at each other in an unreal world), The Crime Of Fright Night (where the Eighth Doctor and Charley bitch at each other in an unreal world), D'you Believe This (where the Sixth Doctor, Evelyn and a Dustbin bitch at each other in an unreal world), Schizo (where the Eighth Doctor and Charley bitch at each other in an unreal world and then get eaten by Richard E Grant) and Headline (where Robert Shearman is attacked by a creature who exists in photographs while in what might be an unreal world).

At first, Shearman refused point blank to submit anything other than The Zeitgeist of Indecision, a speculative work where the Ninth Doctor sat in a bath, contemplating the absurdity of existence and getting his toe stuck in the faucett.

Shearman finally handed over roughly one third of a script for an episode entitled 'Iargo' (some people have suggested it was 'Cargo' but who are you gonna believe? Me or those morons?!). Either way it was automatically renamed "The Amazing New Adventures of Doctor Who: the Last of the Time Lords from The Journeys of Rose Tyler Being a Fantastical Tale of a Young Earth Wanderer and Interplanetary Explorer within The Environs of A Gentleman's TARDIS Part Five: Act One - The Young Miss Tyler Encounters A Rusty Slime-Covered Dustbin That Will Clean And Tidy The Human Race Off The Face Of Cardiff".

The story began with a spacecraft called the 'E.F. Weaver' making an emergency landing on a planet that had been home to a human colony which had been destroyed during the Dustbin Wars fifty years earlier.

While some of the crew are scavenging through the ruins in search of spare parts they come across an almost totally intact Dustbin shell. Realising that they can turn their misfortune into a fortune, the two crew members decide to smuggle it back onto the ship so they can sell it to a collector of Dustbin War, Doctor Who or just general sci-fi memorabilia. As you do.

Meanwhile, the TARDIS materializes in deep space while the Doctor decides to carry out some repairs using 'Warpsmash Mechanics For Total Spastics', a handy DIY guide. The process involves disconnecting a large cable carrying a lethal amount of Artron energy and leaving it around in the vain hope that it might come in handy at some point.

A distress call is picked from the Weaver and the Doctor sets the TARDIS for a short hop... as far away as possible. Unfortunately, due a level of cosmic synchronicity bordering on extremely poor scripting, the time machine appears inside the Weaver seconds after the distress call is sent out.

They have materialized in the cargo hold of the Weaver and are standing over a frazzled corpse of one the crew members stupid enough to smuggle an armored-plated killing machine on board. The Doctor, admitting that he's always loved the smell of fried bipeds in the morning, notes that the corpse has had his insides scrambled by a projected death ray.

Rose points out that it is more likely that he just walked face-first into the dangerous power cable that was dangling in front of the door – surely much more likely?

Just then, the rest of the crew find the Doctor and Rose, accuse them of murder, listen to their pleas of innocence and for some unfathomable reason decide to let these possible murderers investigate.

The Dustbin meanwhile kills another member of the crew who had popped into the airlock for a quick fag by opening said airlock and flushing them into space.

Meanwhile, using freaky-psi-powers like Robson Green in Wire In The Blood, the Doctor is able to reconstruct the crime and determines that the fried crewmember entered the cargo hold and looked up to see a floating alien revived by the dangling power that promptly killed him.

But what could it be? All the Doctor knows is that it was collected from a dead planet in the middle of the Dustbin Wars, murders people in a specific Dustbin sort of way and that some of the latest contraband included an apparently lifeless Dustbin shell.

"Damn it! It could be anything!" the Doctor cries.

The Dustbin is finally discovered doing the washing up as it murders the catering staff and the Doctor zaps the machine with his sonic screwdriver and pronounces it dead.

However, the Distbun mutant has escaped its shell and starts climbing the walls and ceilings and murders some more crew members in rabid bloodlust fever and, after a while it becomes clear to the remaining survivors that they are well and truly stuffed.

The Doctor decides to jettison the cargo deck where the Dustbin mutant is, but the creature simply leaps onto the outer hull and space-walks into the control cabin, where it kills the last non-regular.

The Doctor, whose cunning plans he now admits are being ripped out of Alien wholesale, decides they should blow up the Weaver and everything on it. No sooner does he hit the relevant controls than Rose points out it might be best to evacuate BEFORE the explosion.

The Doctor agrees and they skip back to the TARDIS, only to be confronted by the fully repaired Dustbin, which promptly guns down the Doctor and Rose in what Shearman hoped would be a good moment for the BBC to abandon the series and let him go home.

Nevertheless, expecting that RTD would not be reasonable enough to release him, Shearman added a final sequence:

The Doctor and Rose awake from the stun blast inside the TARDIS. The Dustbin demands a lift to its home planet Fargo or the blonde bimbo gets it. The Doctor agrees and then cries, 'Behind you!'

While the Dustbin is distracted, the Doctor picks up the abandoned Artron cable, pops a safety cap off the end of it, vaults over the console and fries the Dustbin with it.

Rose tells the Doctor that this so-called Great Space Dustbin isn't a patch on the usual level of menace they have to deal with, ala the Moxx of Baloon.

The script ended with the revelation that a homing beacon has been blu-tacked to a roundel by the Dustbin and neither the Doctor or Rose have noticed. RTD wanted this replaced by a caption saying:

THE DUSTBIN UMPIRE
1963-2005
WHAT A BUNCH OF LOSERS

RTD was still fearful that this story made the Dustbins appear too effective and lethal, and for a brief time suggested that the Dustbin be replaced by a new monster, the Fibreman of Sprong, who would be a sadistic monster that killed for sexual gratification and the conclusion would have the Moxx of Baloon appear in a flash of light and an angelic choir and destroy the Fibreman by spitting on it.

This outline was dubbed Absence of Dustbins, then Lost And Alone In Quarantine On The Edge Of The Forgotten Derelict Of The Dustbins by Shearman, who replaced the Dustbin out of sheer spite. The plot went through two more drafts – Deadly Shadow Of The Stowaway Survivor and Dark Omen Of The Last Remnant of the Dustbins – before anyone noticed.

The Doctor Who production team meanwhile had been looking through Shearman's previous work and discovered he had already written a Dustbin story that showed them at their weakest and most pathetic, a 2003 jubilee story entitled D'You Believe This?

D'you Believe This? featured a lone, damaged Dustbin and an even lonelier, more damaged Tom Baker and RTD originally suggested that Shearman craft a revised version of that adventure as Shearman's work only requires a quick find & replace to change from last year's critically-acclaimed masterpiece to this year's critically acclaimed masterpiece.

Ultimately, however, it was agreed that Shearman would draft a new story while maintaining some of the same key aspects. Basically, only three scenes would remain – the Doctor finding a tortured Dustbin, the Dustbin offering to play cards with the companion, and the Dustbin self-destructing when it realizes how utterly crap it is.

Shearman was asked to revise an adventure from these elements and locate it in Cardiff. Geography was never Shearman's strongpoint and he still believes Cardiff is a small town in Utah.

An early idea that the Dustbin was held at Area 51 was abandoned due to the fact the nearest town was Las Vegas and if the story was to be realistic than the Dustbin would have to glide into the nearest casino and stay with a poker machine until the end of time.

Another suggestion that the Dustbin wiped out an entire Mormon church was simply one of the passing daydreams Christopher Eccleston had – like being Doctor Who.

The story, now entitled Restoration Of The Lonely Metalsaltshakeron of Doom That Fell To Earth Returning To Upgrade For The Endgame, bore closer resemblance to the televised story. Suicidal Nemesis, however, WAS the story just not called I, Dustbin, and also introduced the character of Adam Mitchell, who would join the Doctor and Rose in the TARDIS at the story's end.

Shearman briefly considered making Adam the son of JR Ewing, although this relationship was eventually discarded as Shearman found the character so loathsome he couldn't bring himself to torment JR by relating them by blood.

Cast as new companion Adam Mitchell was Nigella 'Nigel' Jay Verkoff. Verkoff had made his mark on the world after his novel publication 'For The Love Of God, Why??' caused a riot at its first reading due to intense anti-slug content when, a few months previous, it was only thanks to the heroic actions of three teenage slug that the planet was saved from domination by cruel alien overlords.

Since then, Verkoff's half-arsed attempts to trick the Australian Broadcasting Corporation into remaking Doctor Who under the title Doctor Spoon & Chamber (And Not The Other Way Round) lead to him to producing Big Finish audio dramas, Fan & Phantasmagoria and Faith Dealer where he managed to get Tom Baker to return as the Fourth Doctor by the cunning use of a double dare.

Verkoff's casting was revealed in the press on October 7th, then promptly denied three minutes later. It became apparent that neither Verkoff nor Adam was working out and it was considered very disturbing that Verkoff improvised every single line and action on screen but still managed to portray a back-stabbing over-sexed arrogant no-hoping virgin with such gusto.

Immediately work began to ditch Verkoff and Adam and create a brand new male companion who didn't appear at anti-slug rallies and didn't make everyone want to bitch-slap him on sight.

The third production block for the season included Death Day and Shearman's story, which had gone through the titles Mausoleum Piece, Creature Of Lies (referring to the Dustbin's lying text messages) and The Creature Inside (referring to the nudist Dustbin mutant) and was now called simply I, Dustbin.

The director assigned to these episodes was Joe Ahearne. Ahearne had earned directing and scripting credits while killing vampires and dealing with supernatural mysteries armed only with a small army of mercenaries and an anti-tank rocket.

Production on the third block began on October 26th, including filming at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, and ended around the start of December when the crew found the exit and bolted.

Various Christian groups were up in arms when they dreamed about a scene where JR Ewing mentioned bondage, and the Doctor was crucified. The production team calmly responded to this criticism by fire-bombing a church and announced, "There you go, NOW you've got something proper to complain about. Now, shut the fuck up or else."

On the night of broadcast I, Dustbin was not only the top of its time slot for the evening, with an average viewership of 7.83 million viewers and a 42.73% viewer share, but was in fact the most watched British television show on Saturday, day or night!

It WAS beaten at dusk with the test card, admittedly, but apart from that, it kicked some serious arse.

RTD's dreams of Moxx of Baloonimania were slipping through his fingers like grains of over-greased sand. The Dustbins were back, hard and merchandise was already being sold, including the special "I, Dustbin" Self-Pitying Blog.

Since 1980s punk bank The Stranglers were the main inspiration for Shearman's D'You Believe This? it was only fair they be allowed to record a song about I, Dustbin.


"The Valley Of JR"
By The Stranglers with Nicholas Briggs The Paranoid Humanoid

We decided we'd be in the series after all
Despite a million ships lost in the time war
When the final battle began I took my chances
Into the valley and met JR Ewing

I don't remember what it was that Lavros said
But I'm sure we were beaten a thousand times before
When I ended up in Cardiff, I took my chances
I was tortured with a dentist's drill

So put your trust in
Some poor little Dustbin
That sure ain't rustin
I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner
In the valley of JR!

I decided to seduce a blonde called Rose
Cause that would seriously piss the Doctor off
She stroked my dome in a way never done before
So absorbed the internet
After we first met

So put your trust in
Some poor little Dustbin
That sure ain't rustin'
I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner
In the valley of JR!

I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner -

So put your trust in
Some poor little Dustbin
That sure ain't rustin'
I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner
In the valley of JR!

So put your trust in
Some poor little Dustbin
That sure ain't rustin'
I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner
A prisoner in the valley of JR!

In the valley of JR!


---------
Next Time...
---------
"The Fourth Grand Prix Gymkhana. Brands Hatch at its height."
"The jug-fish IS hallibut. And it's not quite dead, but it was coughing up blood last night, so it should be ready to eat."
"Something is not right. Something is quite wrong. Something is not right. And so I sing this song."
"That bloody stop watch is wrong, I tell you, Rose!"
"It's what comes from showing off, Doctor. Your history of grand prix champions is not as good as you thought it was."
"My history of grand prix champions is PERFECT, I tell you!"
"Well, obviously not."
"...I can taste it... and it is disgusting..."
"Some wanker's cut the brake cable!"
"...Someone down there shouldn't be there... At least not without SOME kind of question mark adoring their person!"
"Who are you?"
"I am the Bastard... and you will obey me!"
"What's happening?"
"OK, let's take this in stages then, shall we. I am the Bastard, right? And you will obey me. Clear?"
"The brakes aren't working! But the clutch feels good..."
---------
...The Long Haul...
---------


BONUS! DOCTOR WHO AUDITIONS!

RTD was not so completely deranged when he cast Christopher "This Is Me Swanning Off!" Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor. A dozen other artistes were considered for the role and their audition tapes are transcribed here to show you the alternatives that made Chris Eccleston seem like such a sensible choice.

By now it was clear that Christopher Eccleston needed to be replaced as soon as possible. If a suitable actor could be found in time, the previous four stories could be hastily re-shot, or else the actor would have to take over as the Tenth Doctor in the action-packed finale, The Parting Of The Legs.

Dustbin voice artiste and certified psychotic Nicholas Briggs immediately offered his services to RTD and even offered a complete 45-minute episode to introduce him as the Tenth Doctor, set after I, Dustbin entitled The Time Cabbages.


Extract from "Doctor Who – The Time Cabbages" Episode 1:

(Setting: The TARDIS control room. The Ninth Doctor [Christopher Eccleston], Adam [Nigel Verkoff] and Rose [Billie Piper] are present.)

Doctor: (Cheerful) Welcome to the TARDIS, pretty boy!

Adam: TARDIS?

Doctor: Time And Relative Dimension In Space. If you say Dimensions, plural, I will shove your head up your arse and you will spend the rest of your life crawling around on all fours looking for the light switch, pretty boy.

(The Doctor sways unsteadily).

Rose: Hey, are you feeling all right? Your hands are shaking!

(The Doctor collapses to the floor. Rose kneels beside him.)

Rose: Doctor? Doctor? Can you hear me? (To Adam) He's all clammy and his pulse is racing. We can't lose him, Adam! He's the only one who knows where the remote is!

(Adam nods and checks his temperature)

Adam: OK, is there anywhere on board with medical supplies? Has he got a sick bay or something?


(Setting: The TARDIS sick-bay. Rose and Adam dump the Doctor's body onto a bunch. Adam crosses to a computer and switches it on. Adam mucks about with the computer for a moment. A red skull-and-crossbones appears on the screen)

Adam: Hmm. Does he have any next of kin?

(The Doctor begins shivering, mumbling 'Fantastic!' over and over, before suddenly going limp.)

Rose: What are we going to do? With the Doctor dead, we're going to be stuck out here in the middle of Cardiff – forever!

Adam: Oh, well, you've got me to be with from now on.

(Behind them, the Doctor glows orange and regenerates into a far more attractive, sexier, balder man [Nicholas Briggs]. He sits up and goes behind a curtain and gets changed into a blue tuxedo, then picks up a green toothbrush)

Adam: I mean, it's not like you and the Doctor... you know. Nudge-nudge-wink-wink-say-no-more. Is it?

(The Doctor looks up at this.)

Doctor: Never jump to conclusions!

Rose: Who are you? What have you done with the Doctor?

Doctor: Well, now, that's... that's a difficult one. What have *I* done with the Doctor? You see, I am the Doctor.

Adam: But the Doctor's dead!

Doctor: Well, for a dead man, I'm feeling remarkably horny.

Rose: Sounds like the Doctor – BUT IT CAN'T BE!

Doctor: Oh, stop screaming, Rose!

Rose: How do you know my name?

Doctor: Well, Rose, I realize this must be very difficult for you...

Adam: We don't have to listen to you! *You* killed the Doctor!

Doctor: Piss off, pretty boy! I am the Doctor!

Rose: People just don't change!

Doctor: Well I do! I regenerated the cells of my body into a far niftier form. It'll save *time*, *energy* and *screentime* if you just accept that!

Adam: Yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you?!

Doctor: YES I BLOODY WELL WOULD! Rose? What do you think?!

Rose: I'll go along with your story, "Doctor". You look pretty damn hot to me, and since the Doctor's body's gone, I mean... *your* body's gone... well, there's no other explanation, is there? Is there?

Adam: Yeah! Where have you put the body?!

Doctor: I put that horrid leather jacket down the waste disposal – *this* is the body you stupid geek!

Adam: Prove it! I nicked this thing from the museum. If you're the Doctor, you'll know what it is!

(He pulls out a silver globe and throws it at the Doctor)

Doctor: Ooh! It's a... thing! That does that thing!

(He presses it. There is a flash.)

(Setting: the surface of Temperos. The Doctor, Rose and Adam appear in mid air and drop to the ground.)

Doctor: Here we are! An ancient ruin on a dead planet surrounding a dying sun in the far distant future! How cool is that!

Rose: Uh, where's the TARDIS?

Doctor: Where we left it, I guess. Still, who needs that old thing when we've got the Thing That Does That Thing?

Adam: True! You're obviously the Doctor!

(Suddenly, there is a flash and three Dustbins appear.)

Dustbins: WHERE IS THE DOCTOR? WHERE IS THE ENEMY OF THE DUSTBINS?!

Rose: I thought you said they were extinct!

Doctor: Christ, like *you've* never made a mistake in your life?

Dustbins: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

(Roll credits)